I have been divorced now for over 5 years. To give a little history, the marriage ended because my ex husband was cheating on me. I also realized through our separation how controlling and mentally abusive he was to me. I actually had to get a protection from abuse order to get him to leave me alone. This lasted about 2 years. Our two children live with me. He keeps them overnight every OTHER Friday and drops them off on Saturday. He also visits for two hours with them on Wednesdays. This schedule was his choice.

The problem I am having now is he is constantly running me down in front of the kids. He has a long list of complaints against me, such as:
- I won't let him claim the kids on his income taxes
- He tells the kids I should buy them more because he pays child support and I make more money then him
- I am a rotten mom because I missed a couple of my sons basketball games (I work 12 hour night shifts)
- I never feed them right (although they are within normal weight ranges for age and height)
- I go out and drink every weekend (not true! I am usually working!)

Those are just a few examples. He always wants to run me in the dirt, yet he takes no initiative to do more with his kids. I recently needed a sitter for five days to go on my honeymoon and he refused to keep them. I really don't care what he thinks of me, but I am sick of him saying stuff to the kids. Just yesterday my ex got pissed off because I asked him to drop the kids off at my mothers house, which is closer to him anyway. He got really nasty stating that this would be doing me a "favor." He knew it was my birthday though and me and my husband went out to dinner. I don't know if he is jealous. I just don't understand why he has to act like that. He has been remarried now for over two years. Time to let go! When my kids got home my son told me he was in a pissy mood and stated to him that "your mom needs to grow up." He was also telling my son (He is 11) that there is no way that I have student loans because I did not have a job for the 3.5 years I spent putting myself through school. Well, that tells you how intelligent he is. Does anyone out there know of a college that you can attend for free? I must have missed something. More importantly, why tell this to the kids? They are 7 and 11.

He also badgers our 11 year old for information about me and my husband. If our son tells him things are good, he will keep bedgering until he gets something out of him.

The courts don't care. We have in our costody agreement that he is not supposed to make dispareging remarks in front of the kids, but this does not stop him. I don't want to take all costody away because I feel it will hurt the kids. He is just not a reasonable man to deal with. I won't even take his phone calls anymore. I either text him or call him when I know he is at work and leave a message. Any one have advice? I feel bad for the kids because they are always in the middle and I know it affects my son the most.

The ex has seen a flaw in the situation and has driven a Mack truck through it. He's only going to get worse with time. I don't understand why you don't just curtail this man's visitation altogether if he can't keep to the court's order of nondisparaging remarks. Apparently the man is selfish and wishes to harm his son by poisoning his mind against his mother. Do you really need that just to placate the ex? Consult with your attorney about severely curtailing his visitation time now before too much mental damage has been done. An 11 year old is extremely maleable and it will take many years to undo this man's emotional damage on your son. Ask yourself this question. Do you want to pay now (to an attorney) to have this "fixed" or do you want to pay later to have the son "fixed" from all the damage inflicted to him by the ex. You'll have to make that decision sooner or later. He can't keep it up. Once the child reaches teenage the damage will be worse and much harder to reverse if it ever can. He's setting up the child to be disruptive, rebellious, disrespectful, and probably a life of drugs as well as those things go hand and hand with drug use. Please talk this over with your present husband and your attorney as soon as possible.

When I was little and my parents split,my Mother was very degrading verbally about my father.I resented it and I am sure your kids do as well.

He has no right to involve the kids in his immature nonsense. He is jealous because you have moved on with your life.

He is being unfair to them and you but his priority should be them.It is a form of emotional abuse designed to make him feel better about himself.Still not an excuse.

Is there any chance that mediation would work? Maybe if an objective party explained to him that he is harming his children ,he would stop.

There is always the option of supervised visitation if his behavior does not change.

Bottom line,he is trying to hurt you but ultimately he is jeopardizing his relationship with his kids.

I am sure they are not happy to hear bad remarks about their Mom.It will come to bite him in the butt one day,as the children get older.

Maybe the kids themselves could explain that they do not like it.

This is wrong on so many levels,I hope you get a handle on it soon.What a horrible role model he is displaying to his children.

Thank you for your responses. We have been through mediation twice now. The problem is that he had the mediator eating out of his hands. I almost think the mediator was intimidated by him! My ex is a con artist. In front of other people he acts like Mr. wonderful, but it is just a big show to protect his image. He makes things up just to make himself more convincing. I'm not perfect by any means, but my kids have always come first which is more than I can say for him.

I have been thinking about hiring a laywer. The first time around I did not have one. The only thing that I am worried about is that the system does not seem to care unless the abuse is physical or worse. Mental abuse is not taken seriously, which is wrong. I believe the most they will do is slap his hands and tell him to stop. This is what pretty much happened before. He will be good for a while and then go back to his old ways.

I have also been pondering about trying to get his visitation taken away. I am not sure how it works, but it does seem important to our son to have some sort of relationship with him. The supervised visits may be the way to go. Boy that would send him through the roof! But then again someone needs to put him in his place.

This advice is from a BIG outsider as I am not divorced and I do not come from a divorced family. But I have known my share of friends from divorced families and have many nieces and nephews in similar situations.

You probably can not change him and if you make a big deal about this, you are right, he may not get more than a slap on the wrist. However, if you pursue it, he will have to fight it and it may cost hime some money. If the judge eats from his hand, it may cost you some money.

I think a better alternative is to ignore the comments for if they do not hurt you, then he has lost all his power. Tell your children, "oh well, sometimes he does not understand or have all the facts" and give them phrases to empower themselves... ones they believe and will stand behind... "That is between you and Mom", "Nothing different than what is going on here Dad", or teach them to answer a question with a question (you may regreet this later)

When asked... what is going on at Mom's house, "what do you mean" you know between mom and husband "No, what do you mean?" are they fighting "Do all married people fight?" what do they fight about "What do you and your new wife fight about?" and so on.

I think you have a legitimate complaint. I think he is wrong. But just as he has no control in your life, you have no control over his behaviour and I would just work to undo damage done by it without creating new damage.

Good Luck...

OK, I might be a bit biased here but your situation sounds a bit askew. Your tone sounds quite a bit like my own ex-wifes tone. No, you are not her, but she claims much the same things you are saying. I can tell you comments such as this are her way of trying to get others to 'be on her side' because SHE is actually the one incapable of 'moving on'. 'controlling'. 'mentally abusive'. I heard these words too from a wife who cheated on ME in an attempt to (and continue to years later) justify her statements and actions of abandoing myself and my child while she pursued her 'own lifes interests'. I'm sorry, but there's a bit too much attempt at 'sympathy' from you in your tone, so I wonder who is attempting to control who. In short, I think you're looking for others to feel sorry for you rather than real advice. For example, just because a meadiator sides with someone other than yourself, that doesn't mean they had to do something underhanded to make it happen. Is it possible you've been in the wrong? Third parties are brought in for a reason. Did you accept their advice? It doesn't sound like it.

Look, you've been divorced for 5 years but still complain about this guy and supposedly worry about his opinion as if you were married. If you are telling the truth, why are you even caring about his comments after so long? When I have my 13 yr old son, I care more about US than his mother and her new husbands ramblings. If he is doing this, you need to acknowledge that he's a bad person to yourself, smile (or even joke with your kid) about the comments made, and move onto other topics. Isn't that why you got a divorce? To not have to deal with that anymore? So why is it still happening? You have majority time with your kid and I doubt that his comments could hold much merit and change your child's opinion (unless they are true)

However, I will say I hear these exact type of supposed 'interferences' YOU mention coming from my ex, her husband, and her friends (on their myspace pages. 35yr olds ranting on myspace, I might ad. Get lives already.) about me 'telling' him things. Once again, I laugh them off because there statements are hardly true, and my son knows it too. I have little clue where they come from, other than being spiteful retaliations from them not getting their way or anger at hearing I am happy with my new love and my son feels more welcome here. It bothers them to be so unimportant to our interactions.

So I ask you then, who's the one still dragging the child into things... them or me? And if I acknowlege their comments, who THEN is still dragging my son into it... them or ME?

If you're in the right, then you have nothing to worry about with your kid. 'the people who complain the loudest are usually the ones who have the most to hide'.

Which one are you truly? Are you sure its not YOU who hasn't let go? Are you sure it isn't YOU who is still dragging your kid into it by letting them see his comments have an effect on you still? Grow a spine. Quite blaming your ex 'controlling' for your inability to deal with him being an . And take control of your kids well being YOURSELF.

My issue is that when the kids visit with him he is not spending quality time with them. He is too worried about what I am doing. He will find something to complain about. Last Wendsday on his whole two hour visit he called me 6 times to argue about who was going to get the kids home. Even though I have always dropped them off, and he has brought them home, he needed something to carry on about. We live two miles apart. I took the first phone call and told him that I had to go into work so I could not pick them up. I told him my husband would be home and waiting for them. He proceeded to call my home phone and cell phone 5 more times, which I did not answer because I will not argue with him. He left nasty messages on the answering machine about how he is sick of doing me favors and was going to take me back to court because I am unfit. This is only one example. He always finds something to complain about, it doesn't matter how petty.

So to answer your question, I am definitely over him. Have been for a long time. I don't care what he says about me and who he says it to... as long as it isn't the kids. You are right, I know the stuff he is saying isn't true, but I don't feel definitely the kids visit with him he needs to be calling me 50 times to fight with me. He should be enjoying his limited time he has with the kids.

I do believe as the kids grow older they will see right through him. My son already does. My son will tell me things because he knows it is not right the way he is acting. I don't pry info out of them. He brings this stuff up on his own. Just like if he doesn't agree with my rules, he goes to his dad. The difference is my ex will not work with me, only against me.

Trust me.. I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I just want some advice because I have a feeling he is going to drag me to court. Also thought maybe there would be people in the samer situation. So thanks for your input, but this is nothing like your case. I have my kids 95% of the time and would never abandon them.

Get yourself a tape recorder and start recording every conversation with him. Every time he opens his mouth and starts putting you down, make careful notes of dates and times. Then take it to the courts and see what his response is.

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Originally Posted by 450donn

get yourself a tape recorder and start recording every conversation with him. Every time he opens his mouth and starts putting you down, make careful notes of dates and times. Then take it to the courts and see what his response is.

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If you are suggesting recording telephone conversations this advice could get the OP arrested, fined and possibly jailed, depending on the State.

Dangerous legal advice.

First I was not suggesting telephone conversations, I was suggesting face to face conversations. Second if you tell him up front that this conversation is tape recorded is it still illegal?

It is sad when kids are caught in the middle of dad's behaviour.

A very good friend of mine is in nearly the same boat. Her kids are with him every other weekend, and they come home stressed and upset about comments their father makes. I have been there when they've returned, and the difference between when they left, and how they are when they return, is striking.

The resentment on my friends side is obvious. He is behind to the tune of thousands for child support, and all efforts to get money have failed. (he is self employed).

While I understand her resentment, and her struggle on her own to keep her head above water with the kids, I do notice that she is far too interested in what he says to the kids and when they do say what he said, she counters with something sarcastic. Even though it may be true, the adult's problems with each other are involving the kids, which puts them in the middle, and eats away at their realtionships with each other, all the way around.

For instance, her older girl said one day that she needed $60.00 for a school trip, and my friend said, you'll have to get the money from your father, he owes me money, and because of that, I have none. Her response to her mother was, well he said he pays you child support and that is what the money is for-school related costs. So, while I was sitting there, a simple question of $60.00 for a school trip turned into her daughter having an argument about her mother's interpretation of child support, from information she got from her father.

I have said that the kids should have NO questions asked of them when they are with him, and that anytihng that comes out, that has nothing to do with them, should be directed to the source, i.e. money problems. Simply saying, "I'll check it out", or "I'll see what I can do" is enough. Or if the money isn't there, "Sorry, I dont' have the money for you" and leave it at that.

To the OP, all I'm saying is that there has to be a better way to protect the kids from being in the middle of the problems your ex is causing you.

I would be inclined to attempt mediation with a different mediator, and although I don't recommend recording conversations, I would keep a diary with all relative examples of what you are concerned about, and present that. It is easy to get side tracked and off base without something written down that you want to address.

One thing in your favour is that your ex is willing to attend mediation, so I would go that route again. If things get worse in the future you have obviously tried your best to address his behaviour in all the appropriate ways.

Good luck- not an easy position to be in.

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Originally Posted by penny69

My issue is that when the kids visit with him he is not spending quality time with them. He is too worried about what I am doing. He will find something to complain about. Last Wendsday on his whole two hour visit he called me 6 times to argue about who was going to get the kids home. Even though I have always dropped them off, and he has brought them home, he needed something to carry on about. We live two miles apart. I took the first phone call and told him that I had to go into work so I could not pick them up. I told him my husband would be home and waiting for them. He proceeded to call my home phone and cell phone 5 more times, which I did not answer because I will not argue with him. He left nasty messages on the answering machine about how he is sick of doing me favors and was going to take me back to court because I am unfit. This is only one example. He always finds something to complain about, it doesn't matter how petty.

So to answer your question, I am definitely over him. Have been for a long time. I don't care what he says about me and who he says it to....as long as it isn't the kids. You are right, I know the stuff he is saying isn't true, but I don't feel definitely the kids visit with him he needs to be calling me 50 times to fight with me. He should be enjoying his limited time he has with the kids.

I do believe as the kids grow older they will see right through him. My son already does. My son will tell me things because he knows it is not right the way he is acting. I don't pry info out of them. He brings this stuff up on his own. Just like if he doesn't agree with my rules, he goes to his dad. The difference is my ex will not work with me, only against me.

Trust me.. I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I just want some advice because I have a feeling he is going to drag me to court. Also thought maybe there would be people in the samer situation. So thanks for your input, but this is nothing like your case. I have my kids 95% of the time and would never abandon them.

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If he was unable to bring the children home, were you unable to assist with making arrangements. I am the primary driver for joint custody with my ex, but there have been a few times where I can not make the drop off or return and I would expect that my ex would work with me to find another arrangement if I am unable.

Maybe the fact that you just threw it back at him when he called for assistance did upset him. Wasn't there a way to make a different arrangement and he could pick up and drop off the next visit. If it is two miles and no big deal, why are you unwilling as well?

You will not be able to control the things that he says about you in front of your children and it's horrible that he is using them for a tool. You should sit your children down and let them know that this is not about them at all. That if they feel uncomfortable answering questions or stopping there father's berade of questions that they should tell him to phone you, the same applies to you. You have an awful lot of details for not doing your own investigation, In my opinion. If he makes poor comments about you in front of them, they know the truth and it will only show his character, if they are untrue assessments. Your children will know the difference, if not or they feel insecure about something allow them to know they are welcome to address you about it.

All you can do is mend your home and be the better party (speaking from A lot of experience). You will not change the situation at his home but the effect will only effect him when the children grow up. If you have moved on and past this, just keep watering your own lawn and don't fret so much what is going on in his. Just make sure that your children are secure at home and comfortable approaching you, if they are uncomfortable with anything.

Print and have the children give the attached ti him.

George,

Thanks for that. I've already copied it in an email to send out. :)

Well done.