How can we restore the loving relationship of old?
Hello, all you experts out there: My problem is not your standard relationship problem. My problem began three years ago when I had a stroke, I was 70 years old at the time, but in perfect physical shape{ my wife said later that I had had the body of a 20 year old man: skiing, windsurfing, mountain climbing}, my stroke happened when I was in bed at the local hospital, to which had gone(my wife drove me) because I had had two TIA's {mini- stroke, which goes away by itself and causes no damage}, I was playing tennis during the first TIA ( which caused only temporary partial lack of control of my left arm), but I was still able to run and jump and 20 minutes later , my arm control was OK again . I went to the hospital emergency room , where the doctor examined me and concluded that the problems that had had earlier were indeed temporary, and that I was perfectly OK at that time, and that my strength in all limbs was well above normal. But knowing that TIA's are often followed by "real" strokes, He recommended that I be admitted " for observation" further, to hedge his bet about my being perfectly normal, he asked the staff neurologist to reexamine me in the morning, The standard test for hand strength is for the examiner to extend 3 fingers and say:' squeeze my fingers as hard as you can". That's what the ER doctor ( a somewhat younger man than I) did, So being thus challenged by the younger man, I gave him a good hard squeeze{probably hurting his fingers]. But the Neurologist who examined me in the morning is an old woman, who gave me the same three finger test, but I don't hurt old women ( my mother would roll over in her grave) As she walked away I heard the old woman( who is also Hungarian, mutter "Veek", and although I didn't know it at the time, apparently she had concluded that my previous TIA's had been a real stroke. And left instructions for the nurses that if I were to show stroke symptoms later, I should not be given clot dissolving medication; and sure enough, several days later , while still in the hospital, my nurse saw my stroke happening, and said to another nurse [ as she related to my wife a few hours later]:" oh look, that man is having a stroke:", now most people don't know much about strokes, but everybody knows that if stroke symptoms appear, decisive intervention must be undertaken immediately, but the neurologist's order's from a few days earlier precluded giving me any clot dissolving medication, so no action was taken, d except to schedule a CT scan, which showed a clot in my right middle cerebral artery , which was cutting off blood to a large part of the right side of my brain! The effect of the clot was to paralyze the left side of my body, can't walk nor move my left arm/hand. . I then was shuttled around among rehab places for a few months. One of those places held lectures for the families of stroke" survivors" in which they told of the kinds of personality chances to expect after a stroke, My wife attended, at my suggestion, figuring that more information is better than less. When I finally returned home ( after 2 months in hospitals) I had learned to get into and out of my wheelchair, but could not dress/undress not go onto of off a toilet without grab-bars( which the hospitals have, but my house did not. So when I arrived home, I was a huge burden on my wife, who in addition to her already heavy household workload now had to take over all the jobs that I previously did: all house and yard hmaintenance. Including plumbing , electrical, pool hmaintanance. Before my stroke she had begun a very promising career as a quilting teacher and fabric artist, for which she had won several awards and was gaining recognition throughout New England We were both extremely proud of her accomplishments. But now, she had no time for her quilting and was concerned about traveling far, in case I needed help, it was very selfless of her, but we both have taken our marriage vows seriously{ "in sickness and in health"}. etc. As the years have gone by I have tried as much as possible to unburden her: I have learned how to dress and undress myself and have written step-by step pprocedures for putting on shirt, pants, socks, etc, in short, complete dressing instructions for persons with only one working arm/hand. Which I have sent to all the occupational therapists that I have met, in the hope that they will use them to teach other patients with similar disabilities to dress themselves and avoid putting such a crushing load on their care-giver I also set and clear the table for all meals, and have even cleaned the toilet several times { it's really hard to do from a wheelchair I also have vacuum-cleaned the parts of the house that are within my access limits. further, recently I have been able to make our queen-sized bed. But, since I have returned home, our married life has been completely devoid of affection. My wife says that I am rude( bad table manners) and disagreeable and she behaves as if I were a unruely little kid, who needs to be disciplined , ( not physical discipline, of course, just constant reprimands concerning the smallest of departures from what she thinks I should do or say.; a zero tolerance policy toward me. She sums up all the changes that she thinks she sees in in me in the phrase :" you're not the man I married", which is certainly true He was young, (21 years old) fit, with the best years of his life ahead of him ( and indeed, he did well)! So to put this is the formof a question, How canI get her affection back? Since there is no "submit buttin, I will have to clivk:" submit new question" but I just entered my question, and won't have another until I read your answers!
