Ask Me Help Desk - The Good: I'm back out dating! The Bad: I'm back out dating.

Well to start I've recently been testing the waters following a break of a 4 year relationship 2 months ago (one of those where she wanted to marry me, I had the ring and we split things). So I've recovered I'm out meeting people, I feel ready and now I'm dating.

Now I know dating is pretty common, some are good at it, some aren't but I totally forgot about what was involved. I've been "out of the game" for 4 years and am like a JV player trying out for the majors. I'm a confident guy naturally, but this is a stress...

Playing hard to get or just not interested? A friend of mine set me up with this girl and immediately we hit it off. I had her over with a group of friends to watch basketball games and asked her to dinner. We exchanged "flirty" emails and I felt pretty good. We went out with another couple who are our friends, had a GREAT night (shared food, talked A lot, had a few drinks, etc). I took her home, she invited me in for a few minutes (I should have made a move to kiss her earlier, again I'm rusty) but on the way out we had a few nice intimate moments kissing. She told me to call her, etc. The next day I didn't want to seem desperate so I avoided getting in touch with her but knew I'd see her again Sunday at a cookout (plus she was with getitng things ready for her girlfriends birthday). So Sunday rolls around and I call her to ask if she wants to ride together, she declined as she had other errands to run before going out and we later met at the Cookout. No harm no foul.

Things were a little "odd" here in that the people at the cookout were her friend's exboyfriend's friends (that make sense). It was kind of weird though because she seemde a bit "distant" and shut down for some reason. I'd walk by her and she'd give me a "hey you" smile, or look every now and then but wasn't wanting to engage in conversation or anything with me, yet the exboyfriend of her friend she had no problem talking to (who later "jokingly" grilled me about the relationship her and I had). So I just did my thing, tried to talk to her every now and then but was keeping my distance. So she gets ready to leave and I offer to walk her out and she smiles and says "sure!" We talk for a minute, I get the door and give hera little kiss. She reciprocated but seemed quick like "what if somebody is watching" or whatever. It was just a really weird day after the night we'd had before...

So the next day I give her a call and end up leaving a VM about how I had a good time and to see if she wanted to take my dogs to go for a swim the next day (nice weather and she really liked my dogs). She didn't end up texting me until late the next day saying that she had "just then got my message, was sorry for not getting back to me and asked me if I ended up taking them." When I got out of the gym I texted her back that I had and asked her if she had a good day. She hasn't responded. What is odd is that she has responded to group emails about doing other things but can't shoot a quick text back.

To make matters a bit more "odd" she recently became friends (and may potentially be the roommate next year) of my exgirlfriend's best friend in medical school. Great.

So opinions? Is she just playing hard to get, shy (she is usually quiet but speaks when she wants), or really just not interested? I'm not desperate and don't have a problem finding other girls and getting dates, but I'm pretty interested in this girl and A) HATE games (they're immature) and B) am no good at them (probably why I hate them... ). I've pretty much resigned myself to not make any more effort unless she shows some but again I've been out of the game FOREVER...

Maybe you are moving too fast.If you don't like games then tell her your getting mixed messages.
In the future give her a little more time to prepare for an outing,like 2 days ahead of time.

As an aside,you say you don't like games but even though you wanted to call her after your first meeting you didn't because you didn't want to seem desperate. Maybe she was anticipating your call and was disappointed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

As an aside,you say you don't like games but even though you wanted to call her after your first meeting you didn't because you didn't want to seem desperate. Maybe she was anticipating your call and was disappointed.

And beyond being disappointed interrupted that you weren't as interested as you seemed on the date.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

Maybe you are moving too fast.If you don't like games then tell her your getting mixed messages.
In the future give her a little more time to prepare for an outing,like 2 days ahead of time.

As an aside,you say you don't like games but even though you wanted to call her after your first meeting you didn't because you didn't want to seem desperate. Maybe she was anticipating your call and was disappointed.

Thanks for the reply.

Honestly I don't feel like we're moving too terribly fast but could be wrong. Like I said we really hit it off and the intimate moments have been just as much her as they have been me, it is the whole aftermath that has me confused.

As far as asking her to do stuff I usually try to give as much time as possible but this last one was kind of spur of the moment. The weather was nice (73*) when it is normally 50* and thought a trail walk and a bite outside would be a nice alternative to the dinner and a movie deal. Too soon, maybe but if I'm interested and an opportunity presents itself that may be fun I'm not going to ignore it.

Yep you are probably right, I do look like somewhat of a hippocrit after not calling her. At the same time though (again I'm rusty) I knew I'd see her Sunday after Friday's dinner and told her I'd call her about riding together, so it wasn't like I left her in the blue. Again that is my view of it though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

and beyond being disappointed interrupted that you weren't as interested as you seemed on the date.

Understandable. I don't want to straight up ask her if she is cool with me but that might give her a chance to let me know what she thinks?

I think the biggest thing when you are dating is you don't know who/how often she is dating as well. You don't know her social life so you are forced to make assumptions about her schedule and lack of attention to you.

Call her about a date in the near future and if that doesn't pan out, continue dating. Chemistry is key but there are plenty of single people out there, just keep looking, don't get too hung up on the first date you have had in four plus years.

You are only two months out of your previous relationship, you still need to be developing yourself again. What you enjoy about your life by yourself. Remember that a good tool for when you most like will be ready for the next attempt at a healthy relationship is two months single for every year in the relationship. Take your time, you are still a young single. :D

Good luck to you.

I might also suggest that you ask her out on a date date,you know movie, dinner, that sort of thing.She might just get the impression you just want to hang out and not really do much.That's kind of a drag. Be up front and ask what is happening,it's the only way to know for sure.Guessing just causes confusion.

Good Luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I think the biggest thing when you are dating is you don't know who/how often she is dating as well. You don't know her social life so you are forced to make assumptions about her schedule and lack of attention to you.

Call her about a date in the near future and if that doesn't pan out, continue dating. Chemistry is key but there are plenty of single people out there, just keep looking, don't get too hung up on the first date you have had in four plus years.

You are only two months out of your previous relationship, you still need to be developing yourself again. What you enjoy about your life by yourself. Remember that a good tool for when you most like will be ready for the next attempt at a healthy relationship is two months single for every year in the relationship. Take your time, you are still a young single. :D

Good luck to you.

Thanks again for the quick reply! I'm set on sitting on this for a while (might see her tonight as her friends might meet up with mine, not sure though) and just see what happens.

Being just out of 2 months isn't a long time but I'm already feeling pretty good about things it general. Looking back at my past relationship at the positives, not resenting things. Now I'm 24, have an excellent education, incredible job, workout 5 days a week, have been told I'm attractive, own my own house, drive a nice car and have surrounded myself with great friends and family.

Also I'm not getting too hung up on just this date, I actually met somebody else Saturday night. She ended up coming back home with me and we had a great night (not a one night stand, I'm not that guy at ALL and nothing past 2nd) but enjoyed the night, had a good morning and have another date Thursday night.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

I might also suggest that you ask her out on a date date,ya know movie, dinner, that sort of thing.She might just get the impression you just want to hang out and not really do much.That's kind of a drag. Be up front and ask what is happening,its the only way to know for sure.Guessing just causes confusion.

Good Luck!

You're right. I really think if we can get some more one on one time it would help. The other times we have been together have been when others were there. We've only had time by ourselves when I've driven her home and when she invited me in.

I'm a pretty straight up guy so we'll see what happens!

Thank you both again for your comments!

I would just hang out and don't rush things. Be friends with her and see where it goes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

I might also suggest that you ask her out on a date date,ya know movie, dinner, that sort of thing.She might just get the impression you just want to hang out and not really do much.That's kind of a drag. Be up front and ask what is happening,its the only way to know for sure.Guessing just causes confusion.

Good Luck!

I had the same thought. She might have been slightly offended that you didn't call back right away after her kissing you and all your invitations are last minute and things you are doing anyway.

Take a chance and invite her to do something more formal with just you that you are not going to do unless she comes too. And ask in advance. If you ask for a Friday night and she's busy, check back with another date. If she still says no, ask her if you should keep trying. Be more direct and more polite than you have been so far.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SAB123

I would just hang out and don't rush things. Be friends with her and see where it goes.

Agreed. I will simply see what happens. Since we have many of the same friends that will happen regardless.

Quote:

Originally Posted by asking

I had the same thought. She might have been slightly offended that you didn't call back right away after her kissing you and all your invitations are last minute and things you are doing anyway.

Take a chance and invite her to do something more formal with just you that you are not going to do unless she comes too. And ask in advance. If you ask for a Friday night and she's busy, check back with another date. If she still says no, ask her if you should keep trying. Be more direct and more polite than you have been so far.

I understand. I've never meant to be "rude" or not very polite (I've always been the guy who is almost too polite) but probably have slipped a little. We both have kind of hacked around this so I will just see what plays out.

ArtLady: thanks for the comment! I never tried to sound "last minute" but it was something that I just thought of would be fun and really it was kind of out of the blue. I felt I phrased it in a "I'd really like it if you could come" way, not "if you want to tag along" way. Giving a bit more heads up time definitely seems like the best way to go about things now. Still training myself to be in "dating" mode not "just call up the g/f to do whatever" mode...

Quote:

Originally Posted by BimmerGuy

Agreed. I will simply see what happens. Since we have many of the same friends that will happen regardless.

I understand. I've never meant to be "rude" or not very polite (I've always been the guy who is almost too polite) but probably have slipped a little. We both have kind of hacked around this so I will just see what plays out.

ArtLady: thanks for the comment! I never tried to sound "last minute" but it was something that I just thought of would be fun and really it was kind of out of the blue. I felt I phrased it in a "I'd really like it if you could come" way, not "if you want to tag along" way. Giving a bit more heads up time definitely seems like the best way to go about things now. Still training myself to be in "dating" mode not "just call up the g/f to do whatever" mode...

I know.. but I was just playing the evils advocate here thinking what she could be thinking.Its all good.. I can tell you're a nice guy!
We need updates on the date... ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

I know..but I was just playing the evils advocate here thinking what she could be thinking.Its all good..I can tell your a nice guy!
We need updates on the date ...;)

Artlady thanks again for posting! Sometimes the devil's advocate perspective is needed to help see things a little differently so thank you for that! I'm not sure what is going on with that one girl as it went from great to literally nothing. I will be seeing her Wednesday night as there is a group event planned so that will be interesting. Just going to play it off and not worry about it. She is a cool girl so friends or more is fine. Plenty of other fish in the sea right :D

On the bright side the other date I had with a different person went great! I picked her up, met one of her roommates (joked with her while waiting and I think made a good impression; roommates and friend's are 60% of it all right? ) and then took her to dinner. We went to nice place locally that she hadn't been to and had some great food and great conversation! Later I threw some ideas out there (movie, go play darts or watch a movie at my place) and we ended up back at my house. Note here that neither one of use were expecting anything, it was just much more chill and easy for us (plus we both had been out the night before and were kind of tired). Came back, had some wine and watched a movie. She laid against me, we talked and overall had a really easy time hanging out. We did the whole kiss thing but nothing ridiculous or "well we're here so this is what we do." Later I dropped her off at home, kissed on the way out and she told me to "call her soon about next time." So there you have it...