I'm 23, and fairly recently was broken up with by someone who I could have seen myself marrying some day. She however, is 20, and is in a transition stage in her life as she has put it before. She quit college to find herself and ended up re-finding me. We had a failed relationship a year before we got back together due to long distance issues, and I we fell back in love with each other this summer when we had a coincidental meeting. She's pretty much everything I've decided I want in a girl, and this is not based on blind love.

I am not over this completely, but I am not going crazy because of it. The breakup was about 4 weeks ago and while we have remained friends over Facebook, neither one of us has made an attempt to contact another. So the standard Facebook stalking has ensued, and I know it's not healthy for me but I'd like to have a way to contact her for this last thing, as I will not be calling her and pouring my soul into a pointless conversation again.

The thing was that we had a great relationship, but out of the blue she said she wasn't happy and that her self-esteem was shattered, that she hadn't been happy for months. I knew our relationship wasn't what it used to be, but I never thought she would just break up with me like that. We went a week without talking, I wasn't really sure if I was still in a relationship at that point(she never actually said we were done, just that it was getting late and she had to go, nice eh?). The next day according to the infamous Facebook relationship status, we were no longer in a relationship. Always great. A week later after reading a journal post by me venting with what I felt, she sends me a really pissed off message and I finally get her to call me. Today, I found out she's in a relationship already, about 4 weeks after, and that she could have gotten involved less than a week after we broke up.

The reason, at least the only thing I can account for the breakup, was because our sex life had dwindled. Maybe 3-4 times the last stretch I saw her during the holidays(we would have about 3 week breaks between visiting each other). She had confronted me before saying that sometimes she felt like I didn't love her as much as she loved me, and I would try my best to reassure her that I did, and that she was perfect the way she was, but secretly I wasn't happy either. I loved her so much that I didn't want to hurt her feelings by criticizing her "bed manner". It was somewhat scary at times. Honestly, it was like being with an entirely different person, she even looked different, and it freaked me out. That mixed with some other things just ruined my sex drive for her. I thought it wouldn't affect the relationship too much, that it was something I could work through, but yea... it definitely affected the relationship more than I knew because I made her pretty much feel worthless when all I wanted was for her to be happy.

The entire breakup went on without me telling her why she probably felt worthless, and now that I know I can't hurt her, I want to decide if I should tell her why we broke up, and apologize for not being more open. I think it would make me feel better to get it off my chest, and at this point I think it would give here some closure as well... not that she needs it really... plus, I honestly don't want her to remember me as someone who just didn't care, I'd like to leave open the chance of getting back together some time down the road.

So, should I write her, or should I just leave it the way it is...

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

To be honest... This website is great and all but after reading your problem you should do what you feel like doing... if you want to get it off your chest, then you have no choice but to do that. I mean, you might be able to brainstorm with other advice people give to you but really, ALL OF US know that we ALL do what we want to do... even if it's wrong... because if we do something we don't want to do it won't feel right and that won't make anything better about the way you feel... so if you think you should tell her then tell her... so speak up or forever hold your peace.


Goodluck.

You should write it in a letter - clear, lucid, succint. That's the way I would approach it if I needed to get this off my chest to help me move on.

In fact with my ex, I gave her a letter explaining my feelings, how she had made me feel and why I couldn't deal with it anymore (read my thread and you'll understand more). Letter was perfect, no way to misinterpret my words or forget them they are there for whenever she wants to read them.

At the same time do not make it excruciatingly long, make it nice something good to remember you by but at the samme time letting her know what went wrong and what she MEANT to you.

This should by now means be a means for trying to get her back. Your only way of doing this is letting her go, living you life and become a better person so with the next girl you open up more and don't keep your feelings bottled up - for me, its ALWAYS better out than in regardless of how hurtful the answer I give or get is.

How's this sound, I've sent it already, so I hope it's OK.

"Hey,

I will be blunt.
I'm sorry about making you feel unwanted, less loved, and lowering your self esteme. The truth is there was a reason for it. During our relationship, I had things I wanted to talk about but never did, because I loved you so much and didn't want to hurt your feelings and never seamed to find the right moment. I was afraid it would hurt us. Everything seamed so perfect, that I didn't want to ruin it. There were times when you questioned me, and all I could think about was how much I loved you, and how it didn't seam right to tell you, that it would make me an , and I smiled, and told you there wasn't a problem when there clearly was. You recognized it more than me. But love is communication. And I am such an avid believer in that, I became a hypocrit of my own ethics. Toward the end, I was really looking for that moment to talk, but it never came. I thought that we were doing ok, when I look back at it all I can remember are good things, incredibly happy memories, but that's from my prospective, not yours, and I recognize that.

In the last few months of our relationship, our sex life dwindled down to a pathetic level, we were having sex infrequintly, enough to hurt you, and that was entirely my fault. And the truth is that I find you incredibly sexy, but you scarred me sometimes, and it was enough for me to want you less subconsciously. I still loved you, more than I have loved anyone. But sometimes I would look up, and I wouldn't even recognize you. It was like I was having sex with entirely different person, you even looked different. It was so intense. And it scarred me, and made me parranoid. I never really was comforble enough to talk about sex with you, and it frustrated me, and I think you took that as me not caring, or even not wanting you. I thought that it was something I could work through by myself, but it affected our relationship more than I ever knew it could. In the end, I think that's where all the worrying and hurt feelings came from. I think it may be what it all stemmed from.

I want to appologize from the bottom of my heart for making you feel the way you did. The reason I'm telling you this now is because I think that we're at a point where I can't hurt you even if I wanted to. When we were in our week transition, I had planned to talk to you about it when you called. But when we finally talked, you sounded so hurt, and you told me how your self esteme was basically shot to , and I didn't want to risk the chance of breaking you. I'd rather you not be with me then break you. I won't pull that card. I want to tell you about this, because I never got the chance to, and because I think it might answer some questions for you. I think it was something we could have easily worked through, it was purely my problem, and I want to reassure you that it had no seriousness behind it, that is was made serious by lack of communication. It was just something that was in the back of my head, eating away at me, that could have been solved by one conversation.

I just don't want you to think of me as just another boy who didn't get you, who didn't give a , because I cared for you so much. I'm just stupid.

Anyways, that's what I wanted to say.

I hope you are doing well.

You don't have to write me back if you don't want, I would completely understand, this is a bit out of the blue.

I still miss you, and I hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for.

- Brian"

And your letter ( I still miss) gives her some false hope of getting back together ?

Or are you trying to get back with here,

Well, I do miss her, but I doubt we're getting back together. I just wanted to let her know I cared, and still do.

When you guys were having sex and you looked up at her and saw a "totally different person,"You were actually looking right at her. She scared you, with her passion? Then you were too scared to talk to her about it and/or thought you could work it out on your own.

Deal with this issue, it's yours, before you get into another relationship. Why did she seem so different while you were having sex? Why did the difference you saw scare you? Why did you back away from telling her? Loving her required your honesty, not the fantasy that things would work out perfectly, while focusing on how much you loved her.

Hey, you wrote a good letter! I hope she finds peace reading it. Now, let it be. Work on you 'cause you're worth it.

I agree it was very good, if I was her I'd write back, but just for the record, it's seemed lol...

Well, she took it pretty much exactly the wrong way. Anyway, thanks a lot for the advice, I guess not everyone thinks logically.

She's an idiot period.