MY husband and I have been together for about three years. Every time we have access to a computer with internet, I'll find him up late at night watching porn. Even after we have had sex. I've tried to talk to him about it several times, telling him how it makes me feel like I am not enough and that I would share the experience with him. But he says that it's embarrassing to him and doesn't want to open up. I really don't know what to do about it anymore. He claims it's an addiction, but we've went months with out internet and there isn't a problem. I don't know how to make him see that I would do anything for him and I want to be a involved with him on every level. I've tried roleplaying, dressing sexy, and I've even looked at what he's looking at on the net and tried that, but he doesn't seem to get turned on at all when I do anything. And when we have sex it's the same every time, even though we have tried new things before? How can I get him to see me as he does the girls on the net?

Many men have addictions to porn. This isn't unusual. He CAN go for times without it, like druggies and alcoholics can. He needs treatment. If he doesn't want to get it, then you need to think about how big this is to you. It's likely he will never stop unless You cut the internet off for good.

1. Get rid of the internet in your house.

2. Make an appointment for a couples counselor, and tell him that his attendance at the appointment is required for your continued presence in the marriage.

PS--NO ONE can compete with perfect, airbrushed, and cosmetically enhanced people. If it's really an "addiction" then he needs to go see his doctor about it.

Girl, time for a big wake-up call.

As you said above, "I don't know how to make him see that I would do anything for him and I want to be a involved with him on every level".

You come across as a huge victim in the making. Someone who is easily manipulated because she is terrified of taking a stance in life. A total people pleaser. Also, too intrusive.

I think you would do well with some therapy to build up your self-confidence and lessen your willingness to sell yourself off for the first man who comes along.

Life is Short-chose the road to Happiness, not misery. :)

Has anyone even considered that this is his "Me" time... everyone has to have something or they feel smothered.

And its always a bad idea if you compare yourself to anyone else... nuch less a nameless face of someone neither of you will ever meet.

Not saying he doesn't have any issues of his own (he likely does)... Guys need their "Me" time, be it porn, football or Nascar if you put yourself between him and it then problems will insue.

I really doubt you'll ever be able to make him see you as he does the girl on the internet because you aren't a girl on the internet and he already knows you. Me being and exotic dancer/ model and all I have a lot of experience trying to understand the sexuality of men. When they go to the strip club most of the men don't go to find a girlfriend or a potential date for the evening. They go for the fantasy and the no strings attached thrill. This may be the same thing with your husband. He probably really enjoys the fantasy part of the porn on the internet and the fact that he doesn't know these girls and theirs so many varieties. That's something I don't believe you'll ever be able to do for him. Porn can become an addiction and like any other addiction it needs to be treated. Professional counseling is neede to fix your situation.

Hi dear,
Am sure if you try this medication it will work for this situation in particular and for some others in general.
1.write down exactly what you want to see changed in your husband
2.Set up a regular time daily
3.Read out to yourself what you have written down
4.be expectant and believe that you will soon see exactly what you have been saying:cool:

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Originally Posted by taiwo amao

Hi dear,
Am sure if you try this medication it will work for this situation in particular and for some others in general.
1.write down exactly what you want to see changed in your husband
2.Set up a regular time daily
3.Read out to yourself what you have written down
4.be expectant and believe that you will soon see exactly what you have been saying:cool:

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People that demand changes should themselves be prepared to change into what their partner wants as well.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Has anyone even considered that this is his "Me" time......everyone has to have something or they feel smothered.

And its always a bad idea if you compair yourself to anyone else.....nuch less a nameless face of someone neither of you will ever meet.

Not saying he doesn't have any issues of his own (he likely does) ....Guys need their "Me" time, be it porn, football or Nascar if you put yourself between him and it then problems will insue.

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So are you saying that it has nothing to do with his sexual desire towards me, even though he has become less adventurous in our sex life. I don't want him to quit watching porn, I just would like to have the same attention from him that the computer gets. Like I said before, he even does it after we have sex, and he seems to get into to it more then he does when we have sex. From your perspective, what does that mean? Is he not willing to be excited with me but can be excited by the net?

That's why I think its unrelated. It not a "this instead of that" thing.

A common problem many couples married or not fall into is "routine". Its easy to do... and it does get dull and boring if you both don't work on keeping things exciting and fresh. And yes you both have to have an interest in doing this, and it requires being proactive... its not a passive process.

Back before porn was essentially free it was a costly endeavour. Some guys aren't that into sports... and even then scheduales may not be convenient.. its like a free hobby, that keeps him home near you ( from a guys perspective).

As far as what he is willing to do or not with you is something you have to explore together. We can't say because everyone is different, Some people just aren't as adventurous as others. Watching something and doing something aren't the same.

But rule #1. Is don't compare yourself to others... everyone is different, guys for the most part don't do this, I don't understand why women do it to themselves. If he is with you its because you have impressed upon him... you made it past the window shopping phase.

For example yeah there are things I find highly exciting on the net... but I never compare that to my wife , ever. Now we do find things either of us like and you know the saying... "We'll try almost anything once....twice if we like it." But do so within your personal limits... and he , his. Use what you find interesting in common as a pool to vary fun time.

But always remember... everyone is unique... comparing yourself to others is really like comparing apples to oranges.

Put a porn blocker on your computer at home, thus no porn

Taking away the problem doesn't make it go away.

I think couples counseling is in order here.

Oh my god. It's very related. AND how stupid to say men need porn for their alone time. That's just ridiculous. If alone time is watching a bunch people doing each other you need some counseling yourself, Smoothy.

He's got an addiction to porn just like smoking, drugs or gambling. The porn addiction rate has gone nuts since the internet began. It's not good for mental health or relationships so your guy should either stop it and come back to the real world or you should get out. It won't get better, he'll only slp deeper into this need to watch pornography. Porn isn't "real" He looks at that kind of sex as what he wants and desires yet he can't have sex with a real live woman. He's textbook. Internet porn has ruined millions of relationships. So either leave or deal.. I'd leave.

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Originally Posted by Labello

Oh my god. It's very related. AND how stupid to say men need porn for their alone time. That's just rediculous. If alone time is watching a bunch people doing each other you need some counseling yourself, Smoothy.

He's got an addiction to porn just like smoking, drugs or gambling. The porn addiction rate has gone nuts since the internet began. It's not good for mental health or relationships so your guy should either stop it and come back to the real world or you should get out. It won't get better, he'll only slp deeper into this need to watch pornography. Porn isn't "real" He looks at that kind of sex as what he wants and desires yet he can't have sex with a real live woman. He's textbook. Internet porn has ruined millions of relationships. So either leave or deal..I'd leave.

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I understand that porn can ruin a relationship but really I don't think it's as bad as you're saying.

How one person wants to stimulate themselves doesn't have to be how the next one does.

Porn can be healthy. It doesn't have to be bad for mental health or relationships. It can just be something one chooses to watch.

We all have our fantasies. Just because he uses visual aids rather than another kind i.e. mental stimulation, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong.

(Please don't misunderstand, I do understand that there is a problem here for the OP, I just don't think porn deserves a universal battering.)

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Originally Posted by Labello

Oh my god. It's very related. AND how stupid to say men need porn for their alone time. That's just rediculous. If alone time is watching a bunch people doing each other you need some counseling yourself, Smoothy.

He's got an addiction to porn just like smoking, drugs or gambling. The porn addiction rate has gone nuts since the internet began. It's not good for mental health or relationships so your guy should either stop it and come back to the real world or you should get out. It won't get better, he'll only slp deeper into this need to watch pornography. Porn isn't "real" He looks at that kind of sex as what he wants and desires yet he can't have sex with a real live woman. He's textbook. Internet porn has ruined millions of relationships. So either leave or deal..I'd leave.

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Betcha internet gaming has ruined MORE relationships than porn has.

Seriously--the PROBLEM is that there is lack of equal participation in the relationship. Whether he's distracted by drinking, porn, gambling, football, coin collecting, his mother, or weight lifting--he's not giving to the relationship.

Taking away the internet will make him face the problem because he will NOT be able to get his "fix", and will need to repair his relationship to go forward in life.

I stand by my first answer: Get rid of the internet and get counseling.

Or you can just leave and find someone else that won't neglect your needs.

But you need to choose one, and move forward, and NOT whine about what happens once you make your choice.

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Originally Posted by Labello

Oh my god. It's very related. AND how stupid to say men need porn for their alone time. That's just rediculous. If alone time is watching a bunch people doing each other you need some counseling yourself, Smoothy.

He's got an addiction to porn just like smoking, drugs or gambling. The porn addiction rate has gone nuts since the internet began. It's not good for mental health or relationships so your guy should either stop it and come back to the real world or you should get out. It won't get better, he'll only slp deeper into this need to watch pornography. Porn isn't "real" He looks at that kind of sex as what he wants and desires yet he can't have sex with a real live woman. He's textbook. Internet porn has ruined millions of relationships. So either leave or deal..I'd leave.

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I'm not the one here with a messed up relationship... am I?

Stick your head in the sand like an Ostrich... or you can wake up and realize that the universe doesn't revolve around you. And based on your comments it is pretty apparent you believe only you are right and everyone else is screwed up.

I've been married for 17 going on 18 years... I have sex every day with my wife... I watch porn when I feel like it... my wife has no problems and we are basically pretty happy. Can you make that claim?

Sorry if this seems a bit brash, but I think its time you got a bit more introspective and less accusitory. Perhaps you might see the source of your problem if you did. Here's a hint if you didn't "get it" yet. The problem is your attitude. Not what you claim he's doing.