Hi, to everyone here, I have read some the posts and answers and this site is great! Well, my post tonight is regarding my marriage.My husband and I have been married for 6 years with 3 children 14-5-2.Though we live a comfortable lifestyle, my marriage is not a good one... my husband is not home an awful lot and has a very active social life indeed... he often comes and goes as he pleases, and EVERY Friday evening until 1 or to a.m he plays cards with about 15 other people, excluding the children and myself of course.When he is home, he is usually sleeping, and then he will get up, get ready and go out. He does not participate in anything family-oriented (except grocery shopping) and all of the child-rearing duties are strictly my responsibility.When I bring up anything related to these problems or suggest that we go to counselling of some sort he freaks out tells me where to go and says that these are MY problems and to ***k off, I can tell you it doesn't feel very good and all of the lying, staying out late and getting mad at me constantly is starting to really stress me out.I have always considered myself a strong person and a positive role model for my children , but by me being here I think I am failing them in that respect.I don't have a driver's license and gave up my career to stay home with my children, so I don't get out a whole lot, and the only money I have is from my family allowance, 400.00 a month.My husband has his own business and today when his bank statements were on the hall table I had a look.I nearly fell over seeing how much was in those two accounts.I desperately want to start on my own but he threatens that he will not give me a penny and will take my children away from me.My parents house is full up as my sister and her children are living there, so going there is not an option... I just would like to know if, at 35, would I be making the right decision for myself and my children and also, are the problems all in my head as my husband so often tells me? Any advice would be well appreciated, thank you for your time!

How do you manage to get to a doctor's appointment? If that path is possible, then it may be possible for you to see a marriage counselor in the same way. You go first, then see what happens. Who knows, maybe he'll change his mind and come along? Maybe he won't. But at least you'll be getting some help.

If your husband won't permit even that, then you're really being held hostage, it is abuse and you may need to call a domestic violence shelter to find out what options are available to a woman with three kids and no resources. Those are usually listed inside the front cover of the phone book in the US.

I hope that helps.

You are being ruled, controlled and bullied by a very uncaring man. You can either demand your due justice or leave. Since he controls the money I doubt if he will do anything on his own. How do your children feel? Is there any physical abuse as well? You need to talk to someone about your rights and options. If you can't leave he should.

I would start by understanding that he does not decide if you get the children or not and if you get any money or not.

Depending on the state you live in 1/2 of his business is yours and you have a right to be involved in that business.

I would make him understand that ifyou do leave you will leave with 1/2 of the money and he will be paying a big part of his money to child support.

Next get a drivers licence, and get involved in the family business if you want to. Or get an outside job of your own. Next sit him down and TELL him what he is going to start doing. If the locks are changed one night when he comes home at 2 am he may start getting an idea.

He is walking over you because you let him,

So start standing up for yourself,

What type of business do you and your husband have ?

Next arrange to start getting out, and why not show up where he is playing cards with the kids and say we are here to play also.
Or get a sitter and you show up.

Sometimes men need a good knock over the head to get the idea. He is basically acting like a selfish child, and needs to be kicked into understanding.

It sounds as though you have lost your identy and dependence. Why do you not have a drivers license? That would be on the list of "to do's". No, this is not a normal marriage and No, it is not all in your head as your husband says. I have heard so many women in the past say their husbands told them they could not get the children or any money. Is he going to raise them, he does not want them now and as for the money, he has to pay through the courts.
I would seek help getting your confidence and if you are going to leave him, see a lawyer first and get some good advice. I would not tell your husband you are planning to leave him until you have gotten some financial advice from a lawyer. If he is hiding money from you now, he will certainly hide it if he thinks he is going to have to share it. You need to take copies of his bank statements and any other financial documents.

I went to court for a woman who worked for me. Her husband knew the court system well. He made $185,000 a year but had nothing except their assests she could see, home, car, boat etc. He said he lost it all gambling. Nothing she could do. Beware and be wise.

Your ending your relationship is only something you can answer.. theres a lot to factor in... the kids being the biggest. Yes its true you should honer you marriage but its not always healthy.. think of what the kids are missing out on not to mention yourself. Now I don't pretend to have all the answers about love and marriage. But I can tell you its never right if both parties aren't happy. What you do about it is the big question. I don't know how strong of a person or great of an actress you are, do you see yourself pretending to be someing your not, so that your kids can enjoy a "better life" and if so for how long? And are you willing to be unhappy for this? My thought are hell pay child support! And you and the kids will be better for it,happier at least.

At one level I'm tempted to advise you to "leave well enough alone". By your own admission you live a comfortable lifestyle and your husband has built up quite a nest egg. What are your alternatives if you do leave? Costly court battles over the kids, fighting to get alimony and child support out of him (which would never be enough for you to live on exclusively), living in a tiny efficiency apartment in a seedy neighborhood. Your husband, on the other hand, would have nothing to lose and will just keep on playing cards on Friday nights. I honestly think that by leaving you'd be "cutting off your nose to spite your face", as they say. It sounds as if your husband is the type who thinks that breadwinning is his job and raising the kids is yours. Furthermore, he probably thinks that when his job is done, his time is his to do with as he pleases. It may sound like outdated thinking I know but how was it in his family of origin? I'm willing to bet that his mother raised the kids and his father put the food on the table, period. I also bet that when his father wasn't earning the living he was playing cards or otherwise doing his own thing. I'm not sure what it'll take if anything to change this and it may be something that unfortunately you'll just have to live with or leave and resign yourself to living many years as a pauper with limited contact with your children.

There is a book called "the strength of a praying wife"... It is not purely about religeon but is a good book for someone is your situation. It has been said in other posts: The first thing that you have to accept is that this is a situation that you have helped cultivate over the past 6years. You have allowed it. This is the first step of starting to look at yourself instead of it is always about him. If you are to start ruling yourself, please start by accepting that you allowed yourself in this situation. The next thing I would like to mention is that I know of a man who was in such a situation but grew out of it. The wife chose to completely ignore him and one day after preparing he just did not feel like going for the card game and stayed home. That was the beginning of his change and now he is home more than the wife. This was after 7 year of marriage and the pair is now best of friends. It is as if they never really knew each other for those 7 years. The man got to learn about some home stuff he never knew. He got to know his kids better... I am not promising that he will change but it should be a fact that there are certain lifestyles that are passing clouds. Jus have that in mind. Lastly: Divorse always has to be a lst resort. If I may: You do not sound like you can particularly live by yourself right now even if you get half of his business. You may end up with someone even more abusive. Get some marriage counselling in any which way you can. Exhaust all other avenue before making a decision to leave. In my opinion, it is not that time yet and there is much that you can do and much that can happen. You must be having Internet time to post this. Why not look for online investments or jobs...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bronica

Your ending your relationship is only something you can answer..theres a lot to factor in...the kids being the biggest. yes its true you should honer you marriage but its not always healthy..think of what the kids are missing out on not to mention yourself. Now i dont pretend to have all the answers about love and marriage. but i can tell you its never right if both parties arent happy. What you do about it is the big question. I dont know how strong of a person or great of an actress you are, do you see yourself pretending to be someing your not, so that your kids can enjoy a "better life" and if so for how long? And are you willing to be unhappy for this? my thought are hell pay child support! and you and the kids will be better for it,happier at least.

---

*******bronica is that you?**********

Hi there, although I do not know you, I can't help but think that we have similar lives. My partner is like yours also, which is stresful, frustrating and not to mention annoying. Though I agree with the first comment, you really need to get your license. That should be a priority. And yes, sort out some legal advice for you will need it. Don't feel as though you are a nobody without him, because his emotional abuse is actually making you weak. Would you rather be happy and liberal, or depressed and caged? You are a good mother and a strong woman and do not let him tell you otherwise! You can do this!