I met a guy online about four months ago. We've gone from "seeing" each other, to "dating", and then "boyfriend/girlfriend" status. We both agreed that we were probably moving too fast, and decided to slow things down. I told him that I would go at whatever pace he was comfortable with - he sets the pace, I will follow. One month into our relationship, he invites me to spend Christmas at his parents' place. I was fine with it, but felt it was sort of strange seeing as how he wanted to "slow things down". A little after that, he told me he was thinking about me possible moving in with him. (We live 90 minutes apart - I visit him every week on my days off.) I told him that I would need some time to think about it, as I don't think I'm ready for that. I weighed the pros and cons of moving in with him, and decided that if he's ready for that, then I could be too - we get along so well. I was at his place the other day, and told him OK - I'll move in with him, but not for a few months. I asked him if he was ready for this - he said he thinks so. When I got home, I had an email from him saying that it probably wasn't a good idea and that we need to slow things down - and space our visits out more. I know he's not seeing anybody else, so I'm not afraid of that. (I trust him to tell me if he was.) He has not had a girlfriend or dated anyone in a very long time - not that he couldn't find anyone, he just didn't have the desire to because he was focusing on his profession at the time. So I feel extremely honored that he's chosen me to spend his time with. My issue is this - I have started to fall for him, and I feel stronger for him than he feels for me. I need to give him space, I know. How do I know how much space to give him? I try not to text/email him unless he texts/emails me first. I'm afraid I'll give him too much space, and he'll not want to see me anymore because we don't see enough of each other. Then I'm afraid of not giving him enough space, and either smothering him or annoying him right out of my life. I'm so confused, and I'm torturing myself so bad. My head is spinning and my heart won't dislodge from my throat. How do I give him space without torturing myself? He says that if we're meant to be in this long term - we need a solid base. What do I need to do for that? (Thank goodness for Excedrine - chocolate seems to be helping a little too!)

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Originally Posted by missconfused30

So I feel extremely honored that he's chosen me to spend his time with.

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This is where you went wrong first. A relationship is not an honour bestowed upon a person!! It's a partnership that BOTH people have to work at. You can't do the work of two people in a relationship, no matter how hard you seem to try.

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Originally Posted by missconfused30

I told him that I would go at whatever pace he was comfortable with - he sets the pace, I will follow.

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Don't begin a relationship as a doormat. You need to think of what pace you want to have this going at.

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Originally Posted by missconfused30

One month into our relationship, he invites me to spend Christmas at his parents' place. I was fine with it, but felt it was sort of strange seeing as how he wanted to "slow things down". A little after that, he told me he was thinking about me possible moving in with him.

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WHAT?? Even if he hadn't said that he wanted to slow things down this would be weird??

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Originally Posted by missconfused30

decided that if he's ready for that, then I could be too

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Seriously? Are you in this at all or are you just there to be whatever he decides to throw at you?

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Originally Posted by missconfused30

When I got home, I had an email from him saying that it probably wasn't a good idea and that we need to slow things down - and space our visits out more.

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That's an insult to you and your relationship, to tell you something like this over an email?

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Originally Posted by missconfused30

My issue is this - I have started to fall for him, and I feel stronger for him than he feels for me. I need to give him space, I know. How do I know how much space to give him? I try not to text/email him unless he texts/emails me first. I'm afraid I'll give him too much space, and he'll not want to see me anymore because we don't see enough of each other. Then I'm afraid of not giving him enough space, and either smothering him or annoying him right out of my life. I'm so confused, and I'm torturing myself so bad. My head is spinning and my heart won't dislodge from my throat. How do I give him space without torturing myself? He says that if we're meant to be in this long term - we need a solid base. What do I need to do for that? (Thank goodness for Excedrine - chocolate seems to be helping a little too!)

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Lady? Grow some self respect! If you don't respect yourself no one else will respect you.

YOU are worth being in a relationship with!!

He's not doing you a favour!

If you continue like this you will lose this guy, and all of your dignity!!

Stop it, stop it right now!

Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself your great. That your beautiful and interesting and that any person would be lucky to have you in their life. THEN START TO BELIEVE IT!

As for building a solid base but at the same time give and receive space.

1. the two of you need to have a talk, face to face about it.

2. he wants you to slow down and even out the space between your visits. He does seem to want to build something solid with you and that takes time, and seeing as he hasn't been in a relationship for a few years, he prob just want to do this properly.

3.come up with a suggestion That you are comfortable with, so maybe for starters you can start visiting every two weeks or every third, and then you can go from having a plan to letting it flow naturally.

4. Both of you need to be active in the decision making surrounding this!

Personally, I'm seeing a guy who lives 90 minutes from where I live as well, and we just let it flow kind of, we have an agreement that if he's in my town he calls me if he has time to see me and if I go to the town he lives (he lives in my home town and I'm there a lot, b/C my parents, brother grandma, friends etc live there so it makes sense anyway.)

Although you guys are in a relationship now, and not dating anymore, you can still make this work, in a way that works for the both of you! and you don't need to get a feeling of being tortured at all... because you just need to keep doing the things you do when your in the place you live.

Of course I don't know you and I don't know what yourself respect and self esteem lvls are at, but in any case it might be good for you to start thinking that i am a greta woman, I am worth being in a relationship with.

and also you need to relax, B/C usually things work themselves out. So Just try not to worry so much, he obviously likes you, and he even wanted you to meet his family over the holidays, people don't usually want to introduce someone they aren't serious about. I know I wouldn't. Not in a holidays setting at least. So you just need to hold on to the confidence you have surrounding him!

Hope this helped a little. ;)

neverme - your post was almost word for word what my friend told me the other day, except she told me to not just look in the mirror, but write on it "HE is worth ME" so I have to see it every day. Thank you for not sugar-coating anything.

roxypox - yes, your post helped a lot, and a lot of what you said also sounded like what my friend told me the other day

I'm not originally from the area I live in, I don't have many people I hang out with, so I am trying to find ways to distract myself from constantly checking my phone for texts or racing home after work to check my email to see if he's contacted me. I know I should be patient, but it's really hard. I am leaving him be right now - and no matter how hard the temptation is, I'm not going to text/email him until he does first.

I know I need to work on me - and I should use this time away from him to do that. I need to work on my self-confidence. I know that if he chooses to not see me anymore, he'd be missing out on something wonderful. But I know I need to grow a backbone and stop giving in to things so easily. I'm handing over too much of myself and am constantly making myself 2nd place. When he starts rushing things unintentionally, I need to stop him so that it puts us back where we need to be.

As far as my self-esteem - that's a little wacky I think. I DO believe I am a wonderful person. I have a great personality, a sense of humor, I'm kind, caring, and usually tastefully sarcastic. I treat people with respect, dignity, and have found that I get it back in return. I am surrounded by people I love who love me. I find that the more confident I am in myself, and the more I love myself, the more people around me love me and I in turn love them more. HAHA.. does that make sense? (it does to me.. lol) Kind of like a cycle of the non-vicious type. I know that anyone who chooses to be in my life (love, friends, or other) is lucky to have me in theirs - and I am lucky to have them as well.

But I can't shake this feeling like I've swallowed rocks and that my brain is trying to force its way out of my eye sockets. LOL I want to text/email him to let him know I'm thinking about him - and say hi. But I know I shouldn't. Why do I do this to myself? We women are strange creatures. (You men are too!) I need more hobbies I think.

I'm glad it was helpful!

LOL and yes. Maybe you need more hobbies ;) Personally I'm the type of person who has tons of hobbies... (right now I have 12 different projects going on, its almost crazy. I'm making a series of drawings form my parents bedroom, I'm reading two different books, I'm knitting a blanket for one of my best friends baby etc... ;) ) I kind of like the variation, mostly because I get easily bored :p

How long has it been since you talked to him/hear from him etc.

What you could do though is try to ease up a bit, and not create a trap for yourself (emotionally, I kind of feel that's what you've done here.) Like he is the center of every though, so a hobby or two wouldn't be a bad idea. And you could also send him a text once or twice a week and say; hey have a good day, and one before the weekend; have a good weekend etc. (lol that's what I do, that way you show you care that his day is good, and that you think about him with out 'being there' like all the time.) I find it to be a nice balance! ;)

Because, like you said in the original post, you don't want him to think that you don't care either.

So do you have any interests that you like or want to pursue?

Lol yeah we are wired creatures, men too. :P I know full and well that I'm difficult, and hard to understand at times lol, by guys aren't that much better. c'est la vie uh ;)

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Originally Posted by roxypox

how long has it been since you talked to him/hear from him etc.?

so do you have any interests that you like or want to pursue?

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I haven't heard from him since his email at about 7am last Friday - so it hasn't really been that long.. two days is all, but it feels like forever! Haha.. I need patience.

I have recently started painting.. something I've always wanted to do that he encouraged me to try. And I love it. I'm exploring the many possible mediums that I can play with. I also crochet, photoshop, calligraphy, and am wanting to try my hand at photography.

Thank you so much - I'm noticing that I'm starting to feel better and some of this anxiety is starting to clear - but it's still kind of there. I still feel like I want to throw my hands up in the air and scream. I'm sure it'll pass.. I just need PATIENCE!

No problem ;) glad I can be of some help!

Lol yeah, patience is nice, needed and very hard, I have problems with it at times myself.

Friday, well that's not too long... okay, so if you wait for him this time, to mail/txt you, or you could send him a text on Tuesday or wendsday morning wishing him a good day ;) that's a good time (to wait I mean)

Good, I'm glad you like it! ;) you sound like a very creative person. I'm that as well. I love creating and exploring and within painting you have a lot of different things you could work with! What type of pain do you use? Acryl, oil, watercolors?

I draw mostly, I have some awesome markers from Korea, so great :p

I love photoshop! Man its so awesome!

If you want to learn different techniques within painting there are probably some classes you can take in your area, prob some that have like weekend classes as well, that way you can also meet people who enjoy the same thing as you do, meet new people and be even better at something you like ;) distraction and activities being the main key.

Do and act how you feel. If he can't move along with you, you need to find somebody who will. He seems very indecisive. He may just need to be alone. Sending you all these mixed signals is not cool. Yous shouldn't have to worry about whether you should call your boyfriend or not.

Ok.. he called me and left a message while I was at work, saying to text or call him later. So I texted him back with "Hi - I'm done at 11, will be home by midnight" Not with the "i've missed you so much, i've been dying to hear your voice" like I wanted to. I got home, TRIED not to wait for him to call me, he texted me at like 1230 with "going to bed, will talk tomorrow :) "... "tomorrow" was yesterday, and I broke down and emailed him today with "hi, how was your day, call me later if you want".. trying not to wait.. trying to find other things to do.. why do I have to be such a girl? Haha. Heh. Hm. :|

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Originally Posted by missconfused30

Ok.. he called me and left a message while I was at work, saying to text or call him later. so I texted him back with "Hi - I'm done at 11, will be home by midnight" Not with the "i've missed you so much, i've been dying to hear your voice" like I wanted to. I got home, TRIED not to wait for him to call me, he texted me at like 1230 with "going to bed, will talk tomorrow :) "..... "tomorrow" was yesterday, and i broke down and emailed him today with "hi, how was your day, call me later if you want".. trying not to wait.. trying to find other things to do.. why do i have to be such a girl? haha. heh. hm. :|

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Your acting desperate. Get a life like him and leave him alone. He doesn't care about you. Your acting like a fan and he's a celebrity.

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Originally Posted by chrissymarie

he doesn't care about you.

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Yeah - you're probably right. Thank you for trying to help.

“A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run. Sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet.” ~ Helen Rowland

chrissymarie... I wish I could take credit for it but I can't .I think its kind of funny and does have an element of truth :)
Glad you liked it!

Personally, I'm not so sure, about him not caring, but I do think there is a lot of truth to the quote posted by artlady.

But yeah, you need to activate your life in the town you live in and try to relax more on the whole thing. I think its important to take into account that he hasn't been in a relationship for years, and to be in one might actually be kind of scary for him. I know a couple of guys (and gals) like that. Who are freaked out just by the thought. Mostly because of past experiences, how long since the last relationship, current age, etc.

After re-reading your original post, if I let my imagination run, It sort of seems like he's using you for the status and not the relationship. I mean he invites you to his parents place for Christmas which is sort of a big deal but this could just be a show to make his parents happy he's seeing someone. He may just be dating you to say he's dating someone. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship and telling my significant other to slow down by not calling me, emailing and texting me. That just doesn't make sense. That's why I think he doesn't care about you. I think you should look deeper into your relationship and try to put some little details together.

He may be seeing someone else he's not so proud to bring around his family and has you as his "public" girlfriend.

Or he may just be forcing himself into a relationship even though he's not ready.

Never be so quick to believe what someone tell you because some people are full of bs. You don't know for sure if he has or was ever dating someone else because your not around him 24/7. The same thing he was and is feeding you he could've been saying that to another chick.

Don't be so trusting of a person nor open your heart to them. Step back and view the person actions than words because anyone can talk the talk but can they back up what their saying?

This guy might just be online wasting people time because he has nothing better to do or because he's a player. So watch yourself.

I highly doubt he's seeing anyone else. If I find out different, well then I'll deal with it. And he didn't say I COULDN'T text/call/email him.. I just wasn't sure if I should. He didn't actually say "I need space".. just "we need to slow this down so we can have a solid base". I was not sure what "slow it down" meant. It's been a VERY long time since I've "dated" anyone as well... so I'm feeling new to all this.
He called last Wednesday, we talked for about a half hour, and I feel MUCH MUCH better now. (Kinda like I got my fix for a while.. haha)

roxy = 6 years since he's dated, 10 years since he's had a "girlfriend".. he'll be 33 on the 25th. (I'm 30.) I was in a long term relationship (about 9 years) that ended last summer (peacful breakup - we're better as friends) so I haven't "dated" in over 10 or 11 years.

I thank you so much for everyone's input and insight - this has helped me a lot. I feel like a high school girl who's got a crush on the weird but hot quiet guy in art class.. LOL

Personally I'm all for the whole be a little guarded thing, but I do think that you are the best to evaluate the whole situation. LOL and I think its great that you wrote a clarification.

I'm glad you got to talk to him and that it calmed you down a little. ;)

When you haven't dated for a while I totally understand that it might be rather scary if one feels that its going a little fast.

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Originally Posted by artlady

“A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run. Sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet.” ~ Helen Rowland

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True! But it apparently cuts both ways.

I just read an article on speed dating. One study seemed to show that when men approach women who are sitting, women are choosier than men. But when they reverse the process and the women get up and move around the room, approaching men who are sitting, the women become less particular and the men become more so.

On average, said the article, women are choosier than men, expressing an interest in every third man, compared to men who show an interest in every other woman they meet. (These numbers sound way too high to me!)