Hello all,

I am experiencing a situation which makes me very frustrated.
I have hanged out with this guy that I really like. We have a lot in common, profession, values, character traits and we really have fun talking to each other, plus the chemistry is really amazing. At first it seemed like he wanted to date, but after I asked him he said he would rather just hang out. This was puzzling, because he is not a player, but then I found out that he had a painful break up about 2-3 months ago. Now, the thing is I would let it all go and find someone else, but I really like him, and feel that maybe things could work if I give it some time so he can get over his break up.
But the problem is I am afraid to hang out with him again (although I really want), cos if he starts kissing me, which he managed to do twice quite passionately without my consent, I'm not sure how well I would handle him not calling back for a week, since we're not really dating. All right, I am a little tied up, but kissing for me is part of dating process usually. But I don't want to lose him by being to rigid either...
So,
Should I just stop seeing him at all until he decides he's ready to date?
Should I mention - its no kissing or no hanging out?
or give up my personal interests which are too old fashioned for these days?

or something else?

thanks,

I would go along with the flow esp if you like him.
His break up has probably a lot to do with why he is acting that way, you can give him some time and see how it goes!
You never know these kisses may lead to a relationship!
But just always keep a broad mind.

Just hang out with him. At lot of people these days don't like the word date. Hanging out is dating.

I dated a girl once soon after a big, big breakup.

I liked her well enough, but I was not ready for a new relationship. I went back and forth between wanting to be with somebody and wanting not to get close. I didn't intend for it to be a rebound relationship, but that what it was. In the end, by the time I broke it off, id alienated a person I had liked and I confused myself even more.

So... he might not be trying to drive you mad or hurt you... but you are not comfortable with this relationship in its state. I'm guessing he's going to be a little selfish right now.

So its really up to you and how much work you want to do. Id normally say you should just write him off until he decides you are worth the work and the pursuit. But I also have seen first had that persistence can pay off...

When I started dating my wife I was ready to leave town and start a new career and id just had another relationship blowout. She knew me well enough from work, and she sensed that it was worth the work to wait a bit to see if id come around. I made her a little nuts for a time (like 6 months of dating/not dating), but eventually came to my senses. Married 6 years now. But it was some work and frustration for both of us. I really wasn't mentally ready for a relationship, but I also knew I liked her large.

You just have to decide whether you are willing to go through some noise, and be willing to have it fall apart, knowing that from the start that it might. And if it does, you cannot say you were surprised.

Being a friend is not a bad way to begin a relationship!. you might simply tell him you'd like to see him but you're not certain he's ready for an intimate relationship, but a friendship is fine... or you can simply move on.

I'm a fan of giving a person a chance to mend their ways. Tell him what you want. There's no substitute for direct, real communication. So lay it out and see what happens if you want. You really have nothing to lose here. If he doesn't agree, you won't waste your time. If he mends his ways, you've saved time.

If all of this sounds like too much work, then walk away knowing you were aware enough on the front side to know what you want and need. A lot of people are not so aware.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Hanging out is dating.

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no. not always!

And semantics doesn't solve her problems.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Marbleeyes

cos if he starts kissing me, which he managed to do twice quite passionately without my consent, I'm not sure how well I would handle him not calling back

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I am a little concerned about this statement mostly because it sounded like he may do physical things to you without your consent and that needs to stop if it is actually occurring. Also kissing is viewed as light weight enough these days (no matter how passionately its done) that nobody is going to feel obligated to "call back".

Soooo maybe you would be better off controlling what YOU get yourself involved with... just a thought?

I agree with Val and Wildcat you are dating and you do have a right not to be kissed so why did you let him? Twice? Don't be available to hang out so much and slow this train down.

I think in this case you have to do what feels right for you. You've pretty much spelled out all of your own options in this situation. Go with your gut instinct and proceed accordingly. Bear in mind that he had, as you put it, a "painful breakup" 2-3 months ago. That said, he may not be ready for anything serious or even semi-serious for a while. Also you'd be wise not to push him in that direction as you don't want to end up being just a rebound relationship. Set your boundaries with him according to what you're comfortable with and what you feel is acceptable to you.

Perhaps you should share your concerns with him. Ask him what the kissing was about, if he meant it, if not... he may just be using you. It's a possibility.

Not knowing where you stand isn't doing you any favours.

I understand, you want to know what the deal is, but your also afraid to ask in case the answer is not the answer you want to hear.

But it will be better for you, and it will put your mind at ease, if you know where he's going with all the kissing.

Best of luck