First time poster and am in position where I need to reach out and get advice so that I can search deep inside myself for a proper perspective or simply acknowledge that we have changed so much that we simply can't restore what was lost.

Overview

I am 47 - she's 23. We have had an open relationship and she has favored women for some time. During the summer she became feeling not just insecure about herself but also our relationship. Her tendencies leaned to being dominant - and in this process had been unfaithful by performing oral sex on a stranger with the idea she would receive a gift. This never happened. When I found out I was extremely upset and sadly I hit her during the time that she was attempting suicide. In anger I take responsibility for being betrayed and lashed out. I currently am in anger management classes for outbursts.

Since then one woman that we had within 3somes and I travelled to Montreal where I had an affair with her. During this time my wife commented that at home she too had a male friend over and did some physical act on him.

Since then she had become very close with one of her submissive men, claiming that she see's him as a pet - loves him and considers anything physical not in the terms of an affair but that he is merely a tool to be used. He has a girlfriend and is into foot worship though she does not know about his physical relationship with my wife.

Current

I feel great shame for what I have done last year and to this date my wife has returned to that moment as the time that she lost love and the feeling of being my wife. Throughout the fall she has continually met with her submissive all the time ignoring my pleas to end the relationship as it affects my feelings and hurts deeply. One such occasion I had become upset to the point that she called the police and I was charged.

For 3 months I have been staying at my fathers house, although she kept seeing him she finally ended the relationship with her submissive hoping that this action would show me her desire to work on the marriage. Yet during this time, she does not wish for me to return home fearing my "controlling" attitude.

Currently she wants to rebuild our relationship by working on being friends - she wears the wedding rings stating that she promises not to mess around and her intention is to make it work... but needs to rebuild trust, love and remove fear that I will try and control her lifestyle by going out and having male submissives as this now is her new lifestyle as a FemDom. She has had abuse when younger by two men, but feel she hasn't resolved it. Myself I accept full responsibility for not taking a time out - but I felt that this relationship she has was unhealthy to our marriage as she has had him perform oral sex and foot worship on her along with things she has done on him, without my mentioning how uncomfortable I am with it.

I now have had a huge problem kissing her or anything sexual - the home we have is tainted - and we do have 2 children in our 7 years together (ages roughly 2yr's and 8mo). I am not sure how to overcome that feeling.

Some of my questions after all that is this - how can I being a friendship back with my wife where we can regain the deep bond we once had?

How can I regain the trust I originally broke in the first place?

How can I regain trust in her as well? We are prepared to both earn trust by having open communications with opposite sex read by partner at any time.

How can I assure her that I am not controlling but instead showing that the things she is doing is hurting me - or am I to lock it up inside?

When I return she insists that I should sleep in the other room and that she still wants other men around - am I fooling myself?

Thank you

TheLegacy

No one around?

I am going to try to not be as harsh as I think this may sound:

1. Your marriage is a sham, you can not love one person while sleeping with other people. The belief that sharing your body physically with others while someone claims your heart does not make for a healthy marriage.

2. You will probably never get over the regret and shame you feel as a result of having an affair with anyone.

3. While you have stated that you are attending anger management, you appear to have some deeper problems then anger itself. I would recommend individual counseling and if you are going to work out the situation with your wife, you are going to need marital counseling as well.

4. This marriage seems beyond repair, as it takes two VERY forgiving parties to forgive everything that has transpired between the two of you. In fact I don't know that it's possible to forgive everything that has happened and neither of you will forget.

5. You didn't mention this as a problem, but there is a huge age difference in your marriage. You are behaving like an irresponsible adult and you are married to one, her age makes it a bit more understandable, but still not acceptable behaviors for PARENTS!

6. You need to do something, something more conservative, you are raising two children in a VERY dysfunctional home and you need to reevaluate what it is you want your children to learn, how you want your children to grow and behave. You have impressionable minds watching you and you aren't setting a good example for their future.

Thank you for your comments. I know that you are attempting to offer advice to help.

She is wanting a temporary separation - is this a good idea as well?

I think at this point all you can do is one step at a time.

You have some issues that you need to work on and she has her own issues.

Maybe space will give you the perspective you need to figure out how to turn this damaged relationship into a healthy one, but it will require both of your work in the end and faithfulness.

Good luck and God bless.