Ask Me Help Desk - Baby drama with my husband's ex wife

Ok,

I am looking to find some help, comforting words and some sanity for all of this drama I am encountering with my Husband's ex wife.

Background:
My husband had been married to his ex wife for almost 9 years they had split in June of 2007 due to her cheating ways with a man that she used to work with. This was the 3rd or 4Th time that she was caught cheating by my husband and the 3rd time that he had left her due to the cheating. My husband's ex wife had been cheating with this other man for around 4 of 5 years before they finally split. During their marriage they had a wonderful daughter who is 6 almost 7 now.

My husband's ex wife has been living with the man she cheated on my husband with basically since he moved out of the house where they lived while married. Now they are engaged and getting married in March or April?

My husband and his ex wife had been separated in June 2007, we met in August 2007 and haven't left each others side yet. We got married in September of 2008. However there has been no honeymoon, mostly drama.

I have a child from another marriage that ended similar to his, I was also the one being cheated on as well. However my ex is not around and I have no idea where he is. So I have no drama on my end.

However with his daughter, I have stepped in a became her stepmother and she is always treated as my own. I enjoy her being around, and my daughter loves her as well. We have a happy family. His ex wife has even stated that she couldn't ask for a better stepmother for her daughter.

However that is where the excitement ends, I cannot stand her. I cringe at the thought of getting an email, text or call from her. I never hesitate to talk to her about when she lies, tries to say she didn't cheat on my husband and when she tells her daughter bad things about us.

Problems:

Here are the problems that I or we are encountering,

My husband's ex wife attempts to make all the rules, and even change the rules as we go. (even though we have a court ordered agreement).

She had told her daughter that she could not sit with us during a break she received during a soccer game (breaks are always a full quarter, around 15 mins), she has also told her daughter that my husband pawns her off on his mother (which yes, we have taken her daughter to see his mother for 2 weekends out of the whole time him and I have been together).

She constantly argues with us about the daycare bill, which according to our records our half is paid ahead an extra month. She also expects us to pay for full days, that she takes her to daycare when he is off and there is no school.

She emails me at work frequently about this or that, looking for information about our business (ie my family like, with my husband), talking to me about her daughter and things we do or things my husband needs to do.

In the past she would call and text him everyday, ask him to come fix things around their old house (where she still lives), he would have to drop his daughter off at the her house.

Now it is a little better, but over the past weekend his Ex wife had dropped off his daughter at the daycare (since school was out all day) on Monday (which was our day) we had spoken to her the night before stating that we would be more than happy to watch her anytime during the week when she was out of school for snow or etc...
She did not even let us know that her daughter was taken to daycare and that school was out until after 2:30 pm. Her only comment about it was, that she was busy, wasn't thinking clearly and forgot. (which I don't believe for a second)

Lately the tension between her and us is so high, I can't even make it though the day without a headache... I am to the point that I am second guessing my relationship with my husband and am wondering if her drama will ever stop.

There is and has been more drama, but this is the hot spots right now.

Any ideas would help.

She is in your business way too much for comfort so you need to set some ground rules and stick to them.

Deal with her only when your husband cannot and only in matters related to the child.
That is the only thing you all should be sharing,that and nothing more.
Its better to be rude than second guess your marriage.
She may be intentionally trying to sabotage that as well.

You married the man and the daughter,not the ex.

Be firm and get her out of the picture.

Good luck,it sounds like your going to need it!

We have told her over and over that "its none of your business or it doesnt concern you". Doesn't seem to matter, she will still ask questions about what he claimed that he paid her on his taxes, about his new job and how much we paid for our new house and car!

I don't think that she gets the idea to let go.

I have felt all along (even though she is supposted to be happy with the guy she engaged to) that she has either been trying to break my Husband and I up or to get him back.

However she states that she "got what she wanted out of this deal", but I am not so sure that she is ready to let go of what her and my husband had.

I am wrong in my thinking?

Clearly, she is not letting go.Some people are so immature that they can't stand the idea of their ex being happy with anyone else and that may be her motivation for all this drama.

I would just continue to blow her off and tell he in no uncertain terms until she gets it to backs off. If you have to be nasty then get nasty.I know I would be fuming and there is no way this nosy drama queen would be bugging me.

I know you want to keep the peace but she is backing you into a corner. I say let hubby deal with her and let her know you think she is being rude and invasive.Its the truth,hopefully if won't affect your relationship with your new daughter.

Good Luck!

Leave her completely alone, and let your husband deal with her, and just play invisible. Your letting her get in your head, and that's something you can control.

It's a skill worth knowing, being unavailable for BS!

If your husband logs in any violation to the court order, he can make a strong case, but you need to be out of it.

Don't worry I am the 1st one who always lets her know she is wrong about whatever she is doing. I never can seem to keep my mouth shut or my comments to myself about or towards her. (except when her daughter is around).

My biggest issue with my husband talking with her, is that he cannot ever tell her no...
He also has an issue with listening and doing what she says over what I say. His ex could tell him the same thing I told him an hour, min or days ago and he won't even question what she says. Now if its me, he needs reasons and questions everything.

It seems as if he is still attached to her and I get to pay for her cheating ways.

Any ideas of that?

He is probably listening to her because she is a big mouth and he has no choice or it is just a pattern he has developed over the years to keep the peace and he knows no other way.It up to you to teach him!

Quote:

Originally Posted by hott24girl

Don't worry I am the 1st one who always lets her know she is wrong about whatever she is doing. I never can seem to keep my mouth shut or my comments to myself about or towards her. (except when her daughter is around)

I would say this is part of the problem, and not part of the solution. With all due respect, to continue to spar with her, puts your husband in the middle.

I totally agree that you need to tell her she needs to discuss anything concerning their shared business, together. Repeat and Repeat until she gets the message that you aren't going to play the game anymore.

Concentrate on the little girl. I can see from what you've written that you really care for her, and have accepted her into your life. I really admire you for that.

Put the ex squarely in line, and then let her go. When you cross paths, be your usual polite self, but don't get suckered into playing her games.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hott24girl

My biggest issue with my husband talking with her, is that he cannot ever tell her no...
He also has an issue with listening and doing what she says over what I say. His ex could tell him the same thing I told him an hour, min or days ago and he wont even question what she says. Now if its me, he needs reasons and questions everything.

It seems as if he is still attached to her and I get to pay for her cheating ways.

That sounds like it's exactly that. He's still attached to her. Keep in mind that he hadn't been gone for long when you two got together. There are still going to be feelings there. But now that you've married him, you're kind of stuck with that until he decides that he's done with her drama.

She knows that she can still control him. He isn't stopping her. And as frustrating as that must be, there isn't much you can do but stay out of their twisted relationship. Pretend she doesn't exist as much as possible.

Good for you for keeping the children out of this. That's the honorable and responsible thing to do. Cut off contact with her whenever that's possible. Any discussion between you and the ex wife should be kept to the child only. If she tries to discuss something else, change the subject back to the child or excuse yourself from the conversation as gracefully as possible.

Keep your head up and above the mud she's flinging. Focus on your husband and your respective children. Let him deal with her drama and stay the woman that he loves to come home to and you won't have to worry about the ex.