Ask Me Help Desk - Heading toward cheating or not?

I will try not to make this too long of a story, so I will just give the basic details. I am 28 (she is 27) and have been married for almost 2 years. We have a good relationship, as she is the opposite personality of mine for the most part and we rarely fight (and when we do it is over something small and stupid). I only had 1 major relationship in my past and that ended with the typical "she was cheating and I was to nieve to know it and I got burned", so obviously I had a few trust issues after that period of my life. However, in my wife I found someone like me that actually thinks about how actions will affect others (for the most part) and who is literally scared to do anything that would hurt another person. I can read people really well after getting to know them, so I had her figured out really well.

If you discount the potential "road to cheating" situation, everything in our relationship has been great and even though we both want kids, we both decided to put it off for a couple years to spend as much time with each other doing fun things and just hanging out together.
Well I found out about a month or two after our honeymoon she was going to meet a friend out at a club, but it turns out it was to have her and her friend meet her ex-boyfriend (they only dated for a month or 2). The reason I know is because one night around the same time she was writing a long email on our laptop on the couch, and when I went to get up and get something to drink, she stopped and minimized her screen and looked at me as if to make sure I was not trying to see what she was doing... You had to be there, but Hello talk about suspicious. Anyway, since we share everything (including knowing each others email passwords), I was easily able to read the email and found out that she was meeting him at the club, but he stiffed her just like he did in the past. I did not confront her then because I was shocked and hurt and I did not want her to not trust me because I read her email. Since he stiffed her, communication stopped except for a friendly email from time to time between the 2.

Recently (within the past month or so) he has been text messaging and calling her... (I pay the bills, including the cell bill which we share and there was his number on it a few times). She actually brought it up to me that he had emailed and called and texted a few times. I tried to stay as non-jealous as I could, but I warned her that despite her saying that they are just friends, that he is a guy and I guarantee that he wants more than friends (sorry guys, but most of us are immoral that way). I even tried to guilt her by saying, "hey, we are both adults and partners, I don't own you so you can do what you want, but how would you feel if I was communicating with and maybe meeting for lunch with an ex?" She still proclaimed they were just friends and she would never cheat, so I said OK, but to be careful because I know 100% what he wants.

Well, after hearing her cell phone go off the other day from receiving a text message, I read it after she did and it turns out the met for lunch 1 week ago. The logical part of me is still thinking "well lunch is just lunch" and I am positive nothing happened beyond that because none of the messages said anything except "it was nice seeing you again and thanks for buying lunch". However, he wanted to meet again for lunch or dinner today (thursday), but she would "let him know" if she could make it. One lunch to catch up with a friend is fine, but what does a second potential meeting 1 week later mean? As far as she knows I only know that he texted her a few times and called a few times... not that they met or that she was meeting him 2 years ago.
Could this truly be "just friends" meeting and her "showing off what he missed out on 5 years ago"(her phrase, not mine)... OR should I take the next step and confront her, possibly causing a trust rift because I have been "snooping" over what could potentially be nothing?

Sorry for the length, but I cannot talk to any friends or family because they all know her and I would not want to have them think any less of her for maybe no reason.
Any advice would be welcome.
Thank you

My last marriage ended because of cheating. I think women are sneakier than men. She probably knows you have read her email and text messages. She would not leave behind and evidence saying anything more than friendly coversation. All the good stuff gets deleted. She leaves behind certain stuff for you to read to ease your mind. Women are cats men are dogs. Cats cover up there crap dogs don't.

If it were all that innocent and she truly cared about your feelings, she would invite you to one of their lunches. Ask he if you can go along on her next "lunch date" and see what her reaction is.

Get this aired out with her asap, before it grows any further! Go into the conversation with a few realizations please:
1.You both owe each other complete frankness in this.
2. You both love each other sooooooooo NOBODY should be making the other one feel weird in this-- so its on the both of you to talk it out until there isn't any wierdness, okay?
3. If, for some reason, you cannot manage 2 -- get help of some kind because doubt like the sort I saw in your post is like a cancer that if even a tiny piece of it is left, can grow and ruin things that are very hard to repair.
4. And if you do manage to talk it out, consider this a good wake up call and set up some mutually agreed upon guidelines to avoid freaking each other out over a simple flirt in the future. Its your marriage after all.

Im sorry for what I said it wasn't really advice, it was more like putting negative thoughts in your head. I think she should love you enough to understand were your coming from and stop talking to him. If not, oh well that's life, the more you try to control it the more it gets out of control. So my advice is if you love her just give her a 100% of your trust. Be a good man to her and if she does something to betray the trust karma will take care of it. Just be the best person you can be and you will be rewarded.

Thank you for all the advice. I know that talking is always the best thing to do in situations like this, it is not always the easiest though. It seems to me that my decision is either confront her and let her know 100% how I feel and what I know or let it go and put it in her hands and hope that it is nothing more than them being "friends". Well, I think that when our cell phone bill comes in, which will show the 25 or so Text messages sent back and forth I will use that as my "hey, I know you told me that he has emailed and texted and called a few times, but what is going on here" approach. I think being proactive is the best thing to do here because I think about this situation all the time and it is causing a lot of stress for me.

Thank you for your advice.

I'm as open-minded and secure in my relationship as anyone. One lunch with an ex is cool no problem. Texting is no problem. 25? Another lunch? Let your wife know how you feel as soon as possible, nice but honest. If it starts an argument so what you need to air this out and set the rules for this now!

OK, I'm very rarely this blunt but it's time for you to BE A MAN and grow a pair! She is your wife so yes, in a sense you DO OWN HER! She does not contact this ex at all, period. He has disappeared from the face of this earth as far as she's concerned, from now until the day she dies. She does not text him, she does not phone him, she does not e-mail him, NOTHING! IF necessary, take her cell phone away from her and take the computer away from her. If she doesn't like it, then you pack your bags and go, then call the craftiest divorce lawyer in your state. She is walking all over you and CANNOT be permitted to do this. She is, in effect, CHEATING on you, if not literally then in spirit. Going to a club without you, a month after your honeymoon? Come on, now! She obviously isn't going to give you the respect you need and deserve unless you demand it of her. If she still doesn't budge then you're better off without her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by !#)^

I think women are sneakier than men.

Quote:

s_cianci agrees: At the risk of stereotyping, this tend to be true quite often.

I have found this as not the case for the smart, well educated, self sufficient, interesting women who outgrew such tactics back in high school... of which I have known many. If you aren't finding women like this, then what's up with that?

Forgive me Bailey-- I didn't mean to highjack your thread, and I won't do it again.

Had to spread more love Mom, but I applaud you on this one.

Most of the smart, well educated, self sufficient interesting women that I know have no reason being sneaky. The only ones I know who are sneaky have over-controlling husbands.

Hands it back to Bailey, sorry I just had to comment.

Next time you read one of his text send him one back and invite him over for dinner and forget to tell your wife.
So when he shows up then you will really now what is up.
Men can be sneaky to.

I have no problems with my wife going out to lunches with ex because I have no doubts that is all that is going on.
If there where doubts this is what I would do.

I think you have every right to ask her what is going on. A marriage is built on trust and honesty. She did not tell you about the club or lunch, she lied to you. That is wrong. If she is going to lie to you this early in the marriage, you had better get some things straight. I would very calmly ask her if she enjoyed lunch with him the other day and if she plans on doing it again. If she lies to you, calmly tell her you know she did. If she tries to turn the table around and go after you for reading her text messages, don't allow it. Because she will, she will get mad at you and try to make this about you invading her privacy on her phone. I do not believe in snooping, but if you have a gut feeling something is up, you just got to find out some how. When someone won't let you look at a computer screen, you pretty much know there is a reason.
I doubt anything has happened, but if it goes on like this something probably will. It is not right none the less. If it is perfectly innocent and she has nothing to hide, why is she hiding it from you? Ask her that. Be calm but be firm and don't allow her to make this about you. Good luck

"Hey Dear I'm not comfortable with you having anything to do with your ex."

truth + truth = trust

To me, the fact that she tried to hide the message on the lap-top would not be a good sign right from the get go. Maybe she truly was just trying not to hurt your feelings, but if she truly cared about your feelings, she would not be e-mailing him, or meeting him period. C'mon, he's an ex. If she says he just wants to meet as friends, then she should have no problem with you joining the coversation.

My ex wife of 5 years had a e-mail relationship going before we split up with an old flame. This guy somehow contacted her from across the country from Arizona.
Fortunately for me, the ex was hooked up to MSN IM & I could get into her hotmail account without her knowledge because she had the box checked to remember the password or something like that. Anyway, she saved all the e-mails from him, but I did not know what she typed back to him. But I got the general idea of what was going on. When I figured this out, my heart just sank. The feeling is un-describable. The person you have trusted & been committed to, is being sneaky & taking you for a fool. The funny thing with my ex, this guy she left me for was a total loser & it only lasted about a year.
He moved here & they lived together, blah, blah. The worst part, we have a child together & he has had to adjust to blended families. Sorry to be so frank, but In my opinion, you've got to tell her what your concerns are & that she should respect your concerns. And, be true to yourself, no one likes to walked on & in my opinion if she is pulling this kind of stuff, she's walking on you dude. Best of luck to you.

Update::confused:
It has been a year since my original post and there have been some minor developments. I did talk to my wife about how I felt and she assured me that she would never cheat even though she might meet for lunch and did admit talking and emailing from time to time. I explained to her that I don’t want to be a mistrusting husband but that because of my last relationship blowing up, it is very hard for me to be 100% trusting. I was happy to hear her explanation and I was almost instantly calmed and felt great going forward.

I would notice from time to time in the past year that there would be a phone call or two and a few texts every few months…which I was fine with because that is harmless in my mind. However within the past few weeks there have been some interesting developments. I got free tickets to a baseball game and she would go (she hates baseball but likes the food and people watching) as she normally does. Well at the game everything was normal until she started texting a lot, which I noticed but I did not think abnormal because she often text messages her girl friends. Then she wanted to go “check out the club area” later in the game (our seats were in the club section that has access to a small bar, pool tables, and other amenities). I was fine with that and she came back after 15-20 minutes…ok no problem. Well after thinking about the events of the night, something did not seem right so I checked her cell for who she is texting. It turns out that her ex (from the original post) was at the game and they had been texting to find out where each other were sitting. That is not that bad in itself, but when she “checked out the club area” she was actually going to meet him somewhere in the stadium but I don’t know if they actually met because the texting stopped after “I will try to meet you in 15 minutes”. Well I was very upset after reading those texts and knowing what was actually happening during the game but I did not confront her because we were literally going on vacation 3 days later and I did not want to cause a huge fight before the vacation. Then, as I was packing for vacation I saw her diary (which she keeps in my pants drawer which I find kind of odd) and while I did not read her diary because that (like these posts on this forum) is her way to get things out, but I did read the piece of paper sticking out of the front cover. It was an undated poem from here ex that states how he missed out on a great girl because he messed things up and that he wished he could have 1 more chance and so on…talk about a downer for me right before vacation.

Anyway, I have not talked about any of this with my wife yet because I am very conflicted as to whether this is harmless or serious?? I know that I should talk to her and bring up that I know about all these events, but if I do that then that could cause a trust rift between us for possibly no serious reason (assuming it is just harmless communication).
I am very confused about all of this because our relationship is really strong…we both willingly spend almost all of our time together, we rarely fight and we are trying to have our first child. In my mind I have boiled it down to her not wanting to 100% cut off communication with her ex because it is a nice feeling to have someone like you and say nice things about you, even though she would (hopefully) never do anything. Does that make sense to think that way?
Thank you for any help!

I have learned its best to not jump to conclusions and confronting people is a good way to alienate some one close. But you can wait for an oppurtunity to ask her if she has heard from the ex, lately, without accusing or being nosey, just in conversation. Personally I've learned that my wife can be trusted anywhere, anytime, and with anyone (except Payton Manning) so I don't give things like this a second thought. I might have gave her that note and said what this, but it wouldn't anger me.

Talaniman,
I pretty much agree with what you say about not jumping to conclusions, but facts are facts and him writing a love poem, meeting her (I think) at a ballgame, texting her and calling her... all without me involved at all, are not goeed and healthy actions... Especially when we spend so much time and do almost everything together. You would think she would either be 100% open and say "I am going to meet him for a few minutes at the game to say hi" or "I am meeting him for lunch", or invite me along for things like that so that she can show me that I have 100% nothing to worry about.
What do you think?

Quote:

meeting her (I think) at a

Hard to know what to say with facts you are not sure of. But ask yourself what is wrong with this strong relationship that keeps you from expressing your feelings and concerns?? Fear of her getting mad and not trusting her?? Find a way to express your true feeling within this relationship. Talk and listen.

"Meeting her (I think)" meant that she 100% left to go and meet him, but I did not actually see them meet... the intent is the fact in that particular case... all of the other instances are 100% fact.
My fear is that she will not trust me because I "snooped" in her email/phone... and if there is truly "nothing to worry about" (her exact words) then I will have caused a trust rift over nothing. I know talk and listen are the best way to get through things like this, but it is easier said than done.
Thank you.