Ask Me Help Desk - Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now and have lived together for about 6 months. I'm 21 and he's 22, so at our young age, we shouldn't have any problem wanting to have sex or getting in the mood! Well, at least I don't have that problem. The first 5 months we were together, we couldn't get enough of each other. We were having sex 3 times a day sometimes! But after that it slowed down to about 3-4 times a week. Then 1-2 times a week.

After we moved in together it picked back up a for a little while, but didn't last long. If I ask him why he doesn't want to have sex with me, he'll actually get an attitude with me and get mad. His excuse alllll the time is "a relationship isn't just about sex." I understand that, but for a guy in his early 20s to be saying that raises a red flag.

As of now, it has been 2 months since we've had sex and it has been driving me absolutely crazy!! I'm not the type of person to cheat, but I'm not so sure about him. It's raised some suspicion that he has been cheating on me. He works in a large resort in a kitchen (chef) and some nights he'd come home with glitter on his face and after that started wearing cologne to work. He told me the glitter was mine. I own nothing that has glitter on it.

I know earlier in our relationship he watched porn almost on a regular, but he said he has stopped (ever since I caught him). I can understand not wanting to have sex when you're stressed out, but he has hardly been working. Before, the only time he would have sex with me was when he was buzzed, and now it's not even then! I feel so unattractive nowadays and it's really putting a damper on our relationship. I've tried to talk about this with him several times, but instead of talking like civilized adults, he just starts yelling at me saying he's not in the mood and to stop bugging him about sex. I honestly don't know what to do. I've tried everything from offering to watch porn with him, to wearing sexy outfits/lingerie, flavored lube and massage oils... nothing helps. I ask him to take showers with me... and he actually takes a shower then gets out when he's done!

Another thing I find odd is that he always wants to stick it in my butt. If he's not penetrating that area, then he's trying to stick his finger in it. When we do have sex, more often than not, the only way he gets off is doggie style or if he's masturbating and my is in his face (69). I was just wondering if this is normal

At this point, any help/insight will do...

I know exactly what you're going through. My boyfriend of four years recently did the same thing to me. It was always a new excuse "Im tired", "Im not in the mood", etc. Ultimately I ended up breaking up with him for this and many other reasons. Ultimately he told me that his feelings toward me weren't the same as they used to be and that him not wanting to be around me and not wanting to have sex with me went hand in hand. I know he wasn't cheating on me so I believe him. Honestly sometimes you have to ask yourself what your part in all of this is. Maybe he is cheating on you but maybe not. Try being less available to him and I know this is hard but try not to nag him. Nagging guys makes them frustrated and want to shut down. And definitely stop being needy! The more needy and available you are to a guy the more they get turned off and pull away. And if that doesn't work then hire a private investigator.

Ok...

1. You seem to be intimating that you have suspicions about his sexuality. If he doesn't tell you, you'll NEVER know. Put this out of your head because if you have any chance of a relationship then this isn't going to help... damper.. to say the least!

2. Do you really BELIEVE he's cheating on you? Really now? Cos if you start to think like that there's next to no coming back from it.

3. Sex is not all of a relationship but its an important part and normally a good indicator of a relationship starting to go south. But that is not to say that if sex decreases it's over or he's cheating or any other ultimate reasons. It means that communication has broken down and neither side feels close to the other so neither particularly wants to show the other love FIRSTLY, and after that you have to fill in the blanks that went wrong.

Look deeper into this. Try to see what other things are going on. Why is your relationship stressed?

Explore all the other, more plausible reasons, before jumping to the conclusion that your man is cheating on you... maybe with a man! Lol no really though, give it some thought before you fuel the suspicions and fear more.

Never has the right response, there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed between the two of you. Communication needs to be the best foundation to solve problems. I know he reacts badly when you approach him, but perhaps trying to talk during a peaceful time(after dinner) DO NOT do it right after work or before bed. Guys, myself included, hate trying to solve things right when I am falling asleep.

Try to talk to him, even write him an e-mail if you HAVE to but face to face is what I am suggesting. There is a bigger picture that is stuck behind a smaller frame, address it and you will be happier.

No communications- no relationship. He has issues besides not wanting sex you need to deal with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jbcampor

I know exactly what youre going through. My boyfriend of four years recently did the same thing to me. It was always a new excuse "Im tired", "Im not in the mood", etc. Ultimately I ended up breaking up with him for this and many other reasons. Ultimately he told me that his feelings toward me weren't the same as they used to be and that him not wanting to be around me and not wanting to have sex with me went hand in hand. I know he wasn't cheating on me so i believe him. Honestly sometimes you have to ask yourself what your part in all of this is. Maybe he is cheating on you but maybe not. Try being less available to him and i know this is hard but try not to nag him. Nagging guys makes them frustrated and want to shut down. And definately stop being needy! The more needy and available you are to a guy the more they get turned off and pull away. And if that doesnt work then hire a private investigator.

Thank you for your advice, however I've tried that approach. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, he just gets mad that I'm not paying that much attention to him and does it right back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

No communications- no relationship. He has issues besides not wanting sex you need to deal with.

I try to talk to him about this and other various issues in our relationship and how the scenario plays out is I approach him, normally after we're done eating or just sitting down relaxing, and he just ends up getting frustrated that I even brought it up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by neverme

Ok...

1. You seem to be intimating that you have suspicions about his sexuality. If he doesn't tell you, you'll NEVER know. Put this out of your head because if you have any chance of a relationship then this isn't going to help...damper..to say the least!

2. Do you really BELIEVE he's cheating on you? Really now? Cos if you start to think like that there's next to no coming back from it.

3. Sex is not all of a relationship but its an important part and normally a good indicator of a relationship starting to go south. But that is not to say that if sex decreases it's over or he's cheating or any other ultimate reasons. It means that communication has broken down and neither side feels close to the other so neither particularly wants to show the other love FIRSTLY, and after that you have to fill in the blanks that went wrong.

Look deeper into this. Try to see what other things are going on. Why is your relationship stressed?

Explore all the other, more plausible reasons, before jumping to the conclusion that your man is cheating on you...maybe with a man! lol no really though, give it some thought before you fuel the suspicions and fear more.

To be honest, I have questioned his sexuality but I haven't mentioned outloud. I think if I had, that would probably be the end of our relationship.

Our relationship is stressed because at the moment, I'm the one working 50-60 hrs a week while he works about 4-6 hrs a day about 3-4 times a week. On his days off, all he does is spend his money on beer. I don't care that he drinks, it's just that by him spending all of his very minimal paycheck on beer, it's up to me to pay for groceries, all of our bills, rent, ontop of paying my student loans, gas, and other various bills.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lionhearted

To be honest, I have questioned his sexuality but I havent mentioned outloud. I think if I had, that would probably be the end of our relationship.

Our relationship is stressed because at the moment, I'm the one working 50-60 hrs a week while he works about 4-6 hrs a day about 3-4 times a week. On his days off, all he does is spend his money on beer. I don't care that he drinks, it's just that by him spending all of his very minimal paycheck on beer, it's up to me to pay for groceries, all of our bills, rent, ontop of paying my student loans, gas, and other various bills.

That sounds like it's a problem in and of itself. He probably feels like a bum for not working as hard as you do and getting sauced during normal working hours; it makes him feel like less of a man. But, it's his problem, not yours.

I Agree with snapshot-oi,
The relationship is completely imbalanced- your putting a lot more in than he is and that's need sorting out before you get to a point where he stops appreciating everything you have done- like paying for bills and rent etc.

Sounds like your man needs to get his act into gear and sort himself out, before he can work on the relationship.

To be honest, I have questioned his sexuality but I havent mentioned outloud. I think if I had, that would probably be the end of our relationship.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I was in the same situation many years ago, and I couldn't say it out loud either. As a result of my fears, I stayed in a sexless marriage for 20 years. It didn't get better, it got worse. I always thought that it was my fault... I wasn't pretty enough, my body wasn't good enough. He let me think that and by the time I finally got the words out, he admitted to me that he was gay. I'm not saying that this is definitely the case for you, but I think you should avail yourself of the information on the web and don't be afraid to confront it if you think it is a possibility. Twenty years is a long time. You don't want to look back, like I did, and say I wish I had done this in the beginning, when you still have a chance to grow old with the father of your children. Just my 2 cents...