Suggestions needed, how to deal with .
Hello, I am 47 years old and has always been very active physically. I had never said I can't do something and always got the job done whatever it was. In 2006 I had an L-4,L-5,S1 spinal fusion. It was considered to be failed and I have some nerve damage as a result.
I also have severe IBS and severe Gerd that I have had surgery for that just redirected the issues and have made the IBS worse.
Since I was fired from my job after the injury that left me with the disability with my back, and a disability settlement afterward that has turned into a slap in the face for what has resulted I am now for the first time in my life trying to find a direction.
Living in Wisconsin with miserable cold sometimes I find myself in so much pain that I can hardly walk. My legs, back, hips and buttocks lock up and I can barely move. The pain is so great it sometimes brings tears to my eyes.
Normally I was always able to endure pain and not overcome. But now I am in pain more often than not. I do not and will not take pain killers unless it is so bad that I am vomiting which has been happening fairly often now but I still stay away from pain killers generally.
I have a limited ( GED ) education and lived my life performing manual labor.
Now I am limited to a 15 pound lifting capacity, resting between 5 minutes of walking and/ or standing as well as limited as to how far I can feel comfortable away from a bathroom. Just being in an area now that has no nearby bathroom makes me nervous which causes an episode. I am terrified to do anything like going out in a boat and it has been years since I have done so. I attempt to do things beyond my limitations and at the time it is difficult but I succeed. Afterward I am in so much pain I would just rather die. I get very irritable, and cannot think straight at all. I cannot take pain killers because I do not want to become addicted, and I do not want to be under the influence if I need to drive or operate anything. I have been trying to get a towing business started but it is slow going. One day I had several calls and actually felt good about how things are going. Then about an hour after I sat down to rest I could barely stand or walk. The pain was unbearable but I have a wife and two small children. I need to do what I can to support them even with a limited education but finding a job is tough. Even if I found a good job I am terrified of what will happen. I will eventually be asked to do something I know I shouldn't but I can't say no. I will not keep a job by saying no. I cannot shovel snow but most jobs in my type of work require it. I am afraid that if I do something to please the boss I will hurt myself worse, and not be able to function at home or possibly be in too much pain to make it to work the next day. I have been staying at home mostly except when I get a towing call. I take my kids to school and pick them up. I do what I can around the house, but I always have the ability to rest when I need to. There are times I need to stop and lay flat. If I lay there a while I can keep going a bit longer. Still in pain but at least I can usually finish what I am doing.
Please explain to me where I fit in, and what I can do as far as helping to support my family. I apply for employment but I do not get as much as an interview. I do not even know how I would handle an interview at this point. I cannot lie, but if I tell the truth what chance do I have ? If I lie I am setting myself up for failure and humiliation.
My wife knows I hurt but I really don't think she understands how bad. I try not to show when I am hurting because I want to be who I was and not who I am. I do not ant people to see me in pain or unable to do things. Things have really gotten worse here and I am not sure what to do.
Please, does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do ? I am becoming desperate to find a direction.
Thank you