Ask Me Help Desk - Added an easy one to the relationship 'list'...

To make a relationship work properly, healhty, lovingly, joyous - and make it through the hard times/up and downs... you must have...

Respect, Trust, Balance, Compromise, Communication!!

Communication is new to the list, but of course, you must have it!!

Communicatin is KING - YOU MUST BE WILLING TO TALK ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING THAT BOTHERS YOU!!

YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING - NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS. YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO OPEN UP AND TALK.

And I know this is very hard for most guys... most guys - once you do it - you feel better.

How do you go about talking to someone who is not receptive to this kind of communication?

It takes time... anyone like that won't all of a sudden do it.

You have to keep stessing YOU NEED IT!! It's a must if you are to continue to be happy together.

It's a need... you need MORE!

It is especially essential I think through the tough times. My relationship with my first love had many tough times involving tragedies in her life and I think it was our ability to talk about it and her feelings that helped her be a pretty healthy and happy person today (at least I think - I don't talk to her anymore as we aren't together).
But what a great addition to the list.
It is great to have this place to come and get an opinon about ones relationship, but so often the questions that are asked to us should be aimed at one's partner!
That is where the true answer will lie!

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

How do you go about talking to someone who is not receptive to this kind of communication?

THIS IS FOR REALLY WELL ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS ONLY:
I would ask them what is preventing them from talking? If they answer "nothing", I would make my doubts of how unlikely that is known as gently and respectfully as I know how and then suggest that they look deeper and get more realistic about opening up or plan on experiencing the negative consequences of a relationship that lacks communication, one of which may be the demise of it.

After I let that part of it sink in a little, I would ask point blank what can I do to make talking openly with me possible? If they again answered nothing, I would leave it at that and begin to make private plans to cope with the relationship ending.

I left someone who was exactly like this, the only other man I loved besides who I am with now. I learned later he had much to hide and it would have never worked with us in the long run which, I would guess to this day, he somehow knew. But it was excruciating leaving him not knowing at the time why he just slowly shut down around me. His silence was the answer to my question "should I stay?"

It's a way of talking truth and acknowledging that all things come with a certain consequence either desired or not, and letting each person be responsible for their part without laying blame or making anyone's choice inherently wrong.

FOR THE BEGINNNING RELATIONSHIP:
After being assured that this isn't a case of an introvert being too quiet for an extrovert, I would playfully encourage them to play back. If after some time they didn't or demonstrated that they just couldn't, I would move on. Communication is named the single most cherished attribute when I have asked long term couples what they still liked about each other so I took it seriously and found someone who could talk!

J9, I agree with Val... it does take time and patience to learn to communicate with someone on an intimate level... but starting asking some questions... letting them answer without a judgemental response, and letting them feel how good it can be to have someone who just listens sometimes... some people may like it but feel too close and will push away... and they are the ones that won't let you be fully intimate with... and they are not ready for a healthy relationship anyway... but helping to open up can work... but not always... be gentle and a role model... say what you need and hopefully they will be able to model back...

Good point but one must also be careful not to wear one's heart out on their sleeve too early on in a relationship. The general consensus in this forum is that things should start light-heartedly and fun ; nothing too serious too soon. Just don't forget that when stressing the need for communication as pushing for too much too soon could become a red flag indicating excessive desperation or neediness.

I'd spread the love... but can't... OUTSTANDING POINT!!

I think wearing your heart on your sleeve at anytime is a big mistake. Women RUN... they can't handle that pressure.

Sometimes I have found it better to just jump up and do something without talking it over first.

My wife is not into taking a chance so normally she always says no.

But if I just go do it she normally says I made the right decsion.

It is just like my most recent purchase. I found a 78 1/2 ton pickup 4X4.
I wrote a check for 300.00 dollars. She didn't like my decsion to do this with out talking to her. Then I made one phone call and sold it for a 1000.00.
Then she saw why I did it. Then she was happy.

I think this is TOTALLY the key to a LASTING relationship!. COMMUNICATION!! Cat, I will rep you when I can! This is MAJOR in a relationship with anyone!! In ALL aspects of relationships... PERIOD!! It really should be #1! Communication is SUCH A HARD PART of a LASTING relationship... being able to tell someone EXACTLY how you feel at ANY given point, WOW!! If I would have HAD/DONE that in my past relationships, I think things would have been 1000 times better!! Communication is KEY ina ANY relationship you have, regardless of it's a "romantic" one or not!! Cat... GREAT POINT ON THIS ONE BUDDY!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by educatedhorse_2005

Sometimes I have found it better to just jump up and do something without talking it over first.

My wife is not into taking a chance so normally she always says no.

But if I just go do it she normally says I made the right decsion.

It is just like my most recent purchase. I found a 78 1/2 ton pickup 4X4.
I wrote a check for 300.00 dollars. She didn't like my decsion to do this with out talking to her. Then I made one phone call and sold it for a 1000.00.
Then she saw why I did it. then she was happy.

BAD MOVE... IMO!! Finance problems are a HUGE factor in divorce! Unless you have the money to play with this kind of stuff... I WOULD NOT do it again. Im kind of on a rant tonight, but I would say that's a LUCKY experience, and I would NOT recommend it to ANYONE on this site! ALL aspects of a relationship NEED to be talked about in a TRUSTING relationship. I wouldn't let this go to your head IF I were you, but IM not... :cool: