Confused and in pain about a complex relationship I've started.
Hello,
My name is Lucy and I'm 25.
I'm going through some dark days . In Fall 2007, I developed this relationship with a wonderful man while I was in the U.K. He and I had such great chemistry instantaneously after our first date. He was the second man that I ever slept with in my life, and he woke up something in me that I never knew I ever had (we had a bdsm relationship, I always had a penchant for it, but he was the one that brought it out of me properly). He also brought back something I thought I lost forever, that was the ability to be overwhelmingly happy. I thought I had been too jaded for this for a long time (even if I'm still young). Anyhow, I had to go back to the states and this was when my luck turned sour. We were still talking.I wanted to see him desperately, but my financial situation was out of control. One obstacle after another a problem came up. He offered to pay for my tickets a few time to go see him. But I couldn't because I knew he was scrapping by himself. So I refused it over and over. He confessed that he loves me as did in the following 3 weeks. However, I could not promise when I could go see him again no matter how hard I tried saving up money. We both tried to be realistic about the situation, I told him that he shouldn't wait for me, and that he should pursue other people. He dated a couple of girls , but would always come back talking to me. I was okay with that, a little sad that he may move on.
Then the hard times really came around. I lost my job, had to worry about rent, and paying off my freelance taxes. We started to argue more and more, and the distance between us became a too much to bare for him. Then we got in a big fight. He didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. I finally caught up with him, desperate to know what was going on as I was already emotional from arguing. He told me he was going to see a friend for a week, and then talk to me after wards. 2 weeks passed, no word from him. I wrote him a letter and he replied that his heart was torn and he has been seeing someone else now. I went bat crazy, we talked and he didn't went to see his friend, he went to see this girl he had met at the bar when we argued. He then went to Austria to spend 5 days with her. She told him she loved him, and he thinks he loved her too. But she lives in Austria, so another long distance relationship for him. When he told me all that, it just broke my heart, because he also said he still loves me too. This leaves me very confused.
I was so upset that he didn't tell me. It came out of no where. I understand he shouldn't wait for me forever, but we had an agreement to keep each other posted if feelings for someone else should arise. I feel that this did not give me any closure at all. Especially if he still claims to have feelings for me. I feel so resentful!
To this day we still talk. He is the one that messages me, however I am the one that makes myself available to him. He still dangles hope in front of me. He says he wishes he can tear himself in half so he can be with the two of us (this made me livid). I still love him a lot. And this situation sometimes drives me crazy. He says he has to be faithful to his current girlfriend, yet he's still talking to me. He wants his cake, and ice cream, and cherry pie! And he wants to eat it all! Admittly he even said he was selfish but he can't help it!
Under normal circumstance, I would have just walked away from the situation. But I did not get closure, and I still pine for him. IN march, I am going back to the u.k to look for grad schools and to settle the score with him (he has offered his place for me to stay. ). I don't know if it's a good idea, but I know if I don't do it, I will drive myself crazy for not doing it, as I was being pragmatic before , trying to take care of my here and couldn't visit him and that bit me in the .
I want closure, I don't want to resent him anymore, because the circumstances were kind of out of our hands, I don't want him to hate/resent me. I still love him a lot, but I feel there is so much dirty water now. It makes me worried if we did had another chance, would we still have the same feelings? I don't know if I'm ready to be friends as of all my thoughts are consistently about him, and that maybe unhealthy, and the fact that we still talk to each other maybe a bit unhealthy too.
I find myself becoming the crazy I want my ex back girl! Im jealous of his new girlfriend, I check his Facebook quite often. Which I've never done before or thought I would do.
I'm really confused right now on how to deal with it. I was not ready for the betrayal. I wish he would have just told me. It's consuming me. At this point, I don't know if we should stay in touch after I see him. I just wish we would have both stopped at the wonderful feelings and just stayed cool. It is unfortunate for both of us. He's not exactly the here. We were both s. Half of me is hoping that he still wants a relationship with me and half that I will be able to move on and find someone that was just as wonderful as he was in the beginning.
Please, anyone, dispense your opinions and sage advice. What would you do in a situation like this?
Complicated relationship.
Threads merged
Hello,
I have a couple of questions that I'd like you all to shed some light on.
So here is the background story. In 2007 I met this really wonderful person in London and we really hit it off and dated for 4 months. Then I had to leave for the states. We continued talking almost everyday for the whole of 2008. He confessed that he loved me 3 months after I left. That changed the dynamic of our relationship. Because now, we had an anchor to our attachment.
Time transpired, I wanted to go visit, but as you know financial crisis went crazy in 2008 for everyone. I got laid off, I couldn't afford a plane ticket, etc. We started arguing more , I was having difficult times and so was he. We didn't talk for 2 weeks, and all of a sudden he got a new girlfriend who is also long distance, but in the EU (mind you, we never really defined our relationship when I left. We kind of just kept it open. He however did not sleep with anyone for nearly a year.)I was heart broken because I liked him so much and now he liked someone else, and compared her to the same spark that we had. It hurt so damn much when he told me that. Why didn't I walk away then?
What he did seems so spiteful because it happened after we had a rough argument. He did not stop talking to me all that time. Which really confused me. He said he loved her, but they only seen each other a total of 11 days through out the 5 months they've dated. They knew very little of each other and he continued talking to me. I don't know how he fathoms that as love. I say infatuation. If he really wanted to make it work with that girl. He would have cut me out. Why didn't he?
Anyhow. I booked a plane ticket to go see post-graduate schools in the U.K and I was going to stay at his flat.He agreed to it. So I arrived and was really happy to see him, he was happy to see me too. I missed him soooo MUCH! But it was very different. I felt that he was rationing his affection and love and I was still very hurt. We got take out food and watched a movie at his flat. We slept together in his bed.
The next day I asked, what does your girlfriend think of all this? And he goes, she's out of the picture. I didn't even know she broke up with him! I was happy, but really confused. She was my rebound. Now, I'm her rebound. With each turn of events. New questions arises, dynamics change. I hate myself for over-analyzing the situation. I really dislike this girl, and when I was at his flat, I threw all her stuff that she left away (he didn't even notice), it stank of euro trashy floral! I saw pictures of her on his camera and it was very painful to see them, because the way the pictures were taken, he really liked her and found her very desirable. I was so saad and jealous.
Anyhow, what threw me for another loop was. He took me to his mothers! He said he had to do laundry and it wasn't like we were getting married or anything. But it was weird! She had made a wonderful dinner. It felt like Thanksgiving. I noticed that she wrote my name down on her calender in the kitchen.
I felt very special but still very wary. She also knew a lot about me and asked me a lot of questions and he told me that she told him that I was very lovely while I wasn't in the room. He got all affectionate with me after wards, like holding hands and such. WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
Anyhow, to this day we are still talking and we're at the same place we were before. It's still open since I can't just immediately go to grad school there. I'm not happy with that. I wish he'd just want to be with me. But he says whatever happens, happens. He also wants me to have a chance to be happy too.
He told me if I find someone I like I should go for it (easier said than done). He's being pragmatic about the distance we still have, however. I wish he'd be more proactive about being with me. Instead of dangling hope. I understand that I have a choice. However, given my tenacious (stupid) nature, I don't want to walk away less I give it all I got. At least I knew I tried.
There is an air of seriousness now. It used to be just about fun and affection. I really missed those days and yearn for them. But I'm still nursing a heart that now has trust issues. He is in a situation where he can't give me reassurance, which blows! Why am I so smitten by someone who can't even meet me half way? In his mind. He is trying, by talking to me most days. I asked him why can't he cut it off? He says, he can't bring himself to do it and that he is selfish.
He is a really nice person, and he treated me very nice while I was over there looking at schools. I still like him a lot. This situation is so unfair for the both of us. I wish I can let all these bad feelings go and start a new with him, or be able to move on with out feelings remorse.Anyways, we did have a heart to heart talk. He said of course he would try, but only if I were to be there. But he also realizes that it's not a promise that it would work. I am fine with that, as long as I knew I tried.
I know he cares about me, I guess I am someone important in his life because he talks to his mother a lot about me. She knew a lot about me. However, he does point out that distance is a key issue here. Also, that he is getting older, he is 36, and he is sick of coming home to an empty bed and not having someone to go out with when he see his friends and their wives.He just wants someone to love and take care of him. I suppose I understand his plight, He does not want to wait around, however he does not have to string me around either. It's partially my fault. I'm too damn tenacious for my own good. It doesn't look good when a girl does it.
Why is he giving me mixed signals?
What the hell is he doing and thinking?
Can I get over the hurt and the implication of emotional baggage?
What can I do to make this work? How can I ask him to help me heal?
Why am I so damn smitten when I know that I should treat myself better? Is this normal to have still have fond feelings for a person even if they did you wrong?
Why is he so confused?
Am I kidding myself?
I want to be happy again. How do I achieve this?