Ask Me Help Desk - Drastically different levels of desire

Perhaps someone else know what I'm feeling here…
What do you do when you and your spouse have drastically different levels of sexual desire?

In recent years, my wife has developed a very “take it or leave it” kind of attitude towards sex. Weeks go by where she has just no interest. She’s more interested in other things or says she “just doesn’t think of it”.

When it finally happens – it’s a big clap of thunder, a gushing river, a dizzying flight, a noisy explosion – and we are both very happy. We talk about how great it was for days afterwards… But then we’re back to the “no interest” attitude for a month or two.

We have lots of flirting and teasing in our relationship, and we’re affectionate otherwise with each other. I’ve tried getting her sexy lingerie, getting me sexy clothing, sexy calendars, toys, baby oil… I’ve tried to get her to talk about her fantasies or imagine things I might dream about. It's like she "talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk".

We’ve talked about this many, many, many times… She knows how dejected I feel when she doesn’t want to “do anything”… night after night after night... week after week after week.

It simply seems that she doesn’t “need it” as much as I do… So we don’t do anything… and it’s making me a frustrated husband!

I think a lot of relationships go through times like this. Could she be under more stress than usual? How old is she? There are a lot of changes that take place as we age. There are many reasons for a libido to decrease, hormones, poor self-confidence, stress, fatigue, even pressure, maybe there is even a medical explanation. I think once you have ruled some of these things out, it would be time to worry. These things are fixable.

I know for myself I am just too busy to really think about sex (I know, sad isn't it-LOL). But sometimes it is the last think on my mind. The mere fact that my husband enjoys it is enough for me to do it. He has learned that there has to be a lot of foreplay for me to continue. We have fun throughout the day, teasing and such, and most importantly, he always makes sure I get "mine" too. We both are happy at the end of the night.

I hope some of this has helped you. Just be patient, I'm sure it will pass. If I were you I might, ever so delicately, suggest she see a doctor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aqua@home

I think a lot of relationships go through times like this. Could she be under more stress than usual? How old is she? There are a lot of changes that take place as we age. There are many reasons for a libido to decrease, hormones, poor self-confidence, stress, fatigue, even pressure, maybe there is even a medical explanation. I think once you have ruled some of these things out, it would be time to worry. These things are fixable.

I know for myself I am just too busy to really think about sex (I know, sad isn't it-LOL). But sometimes it is the last think on my mind. The mere fact that my husband enjoys it is enough for me to do it. He has learned that there has to be a lot of foreplay for me to continue. We have fun throughout the day, teasing and such, and most importantly, he always makes sure I get "mine" too. We both are happy at the end of the night.

I hope some of this has helped you. Just be patient, I'm sure it will pass. If I were you I might, ever so delicately, suggest she see a doctor.

Word up on this post!

Glad I'm not the only one who goes through this. The fact is as we age we change in many ways including... our virility. When my wife, who is looking over my shoulder, is "not in the mood" I respect that and have so far been able to move to other aspect of daily life and have learned not to be frustrated, WHY, Its not a long wait. In addition our mutual sexuality is expressed in many ways not just jumping bones. She is 50 and I'm 52 so after 32 years we know each other very well and this has led to some very creative ways to keep the frustration level down. Just for example watching our favorite T.V. shows (in the bedroom ,den, living room)can lead to hours of pleasure... just because... we can't keep our hands... off each other. Be creative ,inventive, and imaginative.. never frustrated. Good luck your on your own:)

This happened in our house too and while I have learned to translate my suddenly lower libido into more sex in different languages for him (it can't be just about affection all the time, I realise)---he has learned to be irresistibly seductive in an entirely new framework (which has called for some amazing reinventing of Don Juan on his part). It is an "us" challenge rather than all one spouse's and that seems to be the key to making a meet-in-the-middle kind of post-50 magic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

This happened in our house too and while I have learned to translate my suddenly lower libido into more sex in different languages for him (it can't be just about affection all the time, I realise)---he has learned to be irresistably seductive in an entirely new framework (which has called for some amazing reinventing of Don Juan on his part). It is an "us" challenge rather than all one spouse's and that seems to be the key to making a meet-in-the-middle kind of post-50 magic.

Its called being willing to get each others rocks off! There I said it!
OR... Old folks can rock the van too.
Or...

You all always give me perspective... :)

Thank You!

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

You all always give me perspective... :)

Thank You!

It happens to the best of us phillysteakandcheese, you are definitley not alone.

I drive my hubby insane sometimes... he just doesn't know what to expect :D

I would just like to point out that it might be something as simple as birth control. If that is in use. I know that in my very early twenties when I was on the depo shot I had noooo desire and would go months without sex at the other extreme it could be menopause too...

Myth is right actually.. Birth control does that, did it to me too...

You've probably hit it on the head in that she doesn't need it as much as you do. Other than the frequency of sex it sounds like your marriage is on pretty good footing. You say that you've talked about it enough times so she knows how you feel and what your needs are ; it's not as though a lack of communication can be blamed. It sounds like you have two options: either settle for getting it when you can, though not as often as you'd like or end the marriage and find someone who'll be willing to do it with you more often. Personally I'd opt for the former but that has to be your decision.

I am afraid your wife has gotten the horrible syndrom that so many wife's get. I don't know of any cure as of yet but I have found the cause it is called Wedding Cake, So you single guys out there if you do marry do not let her e eat any wedding cake.