I have been divorced for 2 years 2 months. I share joint custody with my ex with me having residential custody of our two children, ages 13 and 8. I have found out that my ex has been subjecting the children to undue questioning tactics, forcing them to say things that are not true.

For instance, he has accused me of leaving the children all alone on a specific date. I have NEVER left the children unattended. I received an email from him two weeks ago, accusing that I left them alone on such and such date all afternoon and into the evening. That day, the children were home from school due to severe weather concerns (it really was not that bad, at least I don't think). At any rate, the kids and I were together the entire day. I decided to take them out for a late lunch, and then spent the entire day and most of the evening running errands. So, of course my car was not in my parking lot all afternoon and evening. When the children were with him over that weekend, my daughter said that he questioned them for 3 DAYS STRAIGHT on what we were doing that day and would not let up until they finally said that yes, Dad, Mom left us all alone. They feel horrible because they of course know that what they said was a lie, but he would not listen to them when they tried to tell him that they were with me all day and night and that I have NEVER left them home alone.

My ex has threatened to take me to court and said that he will use what the children told him against me in order for custody to be taken away from me. I know that I should not worry because he cannot prove that his accusations are true, other than to say that the kids told him this. The kids are scared that everyone will believe him and not them or me.

I am not doing anything wrong. I always have sitters for my kids if I am going away, but my kids have told their dad so many untrue things because he will not let up until they tell him exactly what he wants to hear, even if it is all untrue. The kids feel so bad. I try to reassure them that everything will be okay and that the truth will come out. However, what happens if it does not? Has anyone else been in this situation? I have talked to the people who I have used in the past to stay with my children and they have assured me that they will stand behind me. Any other suggestions to help my situation?

I am taking the kids to their therapist this evening and I told them to tell the therapist what is going on so that she can help them work everything out. My ex is a police officer, so not only is he their dad, but he is an intimidating bully, who is using interrogation tactics and wearing down practices to get the kids to say anything that he wants them to say.

If it counts for anything 13 and 8 is definitely old enough to stay home by themselves! 13 is also an age where the child can decide where they want to live (atleast that's what I've been told). I used to babysit my younger sister when I was 13!
Assure your kids that they are safe and that everything is going to be okay. Don't tell them how much you hate there father but tell them that sometimes parents disagree, your 13 year old will probably be the most understanding. If you really fear that there father is being emotionally draining on your children talk to the kids and ask them if they still want to visit there father as often as they do. (Don't force an answer) if they say yes then drop it, they love their father even if he is an idiot. If they say no then perhaps you should consider getting sole custody and have him visit them with your discresion.
I know it's hard and everything but you have to look at it from the point of your ex too. He used to be able to spend all the time he wanted with the kids and now he can't. Perhaps you should talk to him (civily) and ask him if there's anything that you can do to make the kids happier that involves him. Tell him your sorry how everything turned out and that you just want the kids to be happy, and explain what they told you asking if there's something wrong.

It's kind of a complex thing and there are so many decisions that have to be made on everyone's behalf. In the end I'm sure you'll make the right one.

Like I said, I have never left them alone unattended. So, that is not the issue. Even though I have not done anything wrong, I went on the state website where I live and found out that in the state of Illinois, a child under the age of 14 cannot be left alone unsupervised for an unreasonable amount of time. Like I said, I have never done this, but I wanted to check regardless - just in case.

Unfortunately, the kids are scared of their dad. They have whined to me every time that their dad is here to pick them up and I have told them that he is their dad and they need to spend time with him. However, they are ALWAYS subjected to this kind of treatment and it breaks my heart. I don't think that it is right for me to ask them if they want to go to their dad's, as I think that is very manipulative, or at least would be viewed as being manipulative.

I wish there was something that I could do to help them more. I wish I had a magic wand to make this all go away. In the 3 years that my kids have been in therapy, I have been the only one to take them, except for the 2 appointments that my ex took them after the divorce. So, the therapist has a bad taste in her mouth about him, which is good for me. In our divorce decree, it states that we can use the therapist in a court proceeding, so at least I have that going for me. The therapist called me the other day to inform me that my ex called her to complain about me and that he may be interested in coming into an appointment. I don't know if he will be there tonight. A part of me hopes that he will be. The kids literally shut down whenever he is near them, especially if I am near them. I don't know if it is out of fear or what it is. Yesterday at my daughter's orchestra concert, my daughter said that she went to see her dad first because he had flowers for her. I just told her that she has every right to approach either parent when she feels like it because it is not a competition and I told her that I was in no way surprised or upset with her about this. It is almost as though they think that they have to pick sides. I wish that my kids could just live in peace without living in fear that their dad is going to take them away from me. My son told me the other day that he overheard his dad say that he was going to be taking me to court because he could not take it anymore. My son is afraid that they will believe him and not them or me. That is what I am scared about.

So if they did stay, at that age, they are old enough to be by thierselves for periods.

And I would like to see the link to that "law" since except for some CPS rules I am not aware of any real laws on this.

But what we are saying is tell him to stick it, that if he wants to file go ahead, you can't stop him from filing anyway.

So take him back to court for his alienation of you and let the kids testify against him, take away his visits to make them supervised.

Your only choice is to file in court against him, or just ( not in front of the kids) tell him off

Fr. Chuck, just FYI, here is the statement about the Illinois law.

Illinois law defines a neglected minor, in part, as "any minor under the age of 14 years whose parent or other person responsible for the minor's welfare leaves the minor without supervision for an unreasonable period of time without regard for the mental or physical health, safety or welfare of that minor."
Juvenile Court Act, 705 ILCS 405/2-3(1)(d)

Also, here is the link that this thing came from: About.com: http://ccrs.hcd.uiuc.edu/parents/homealone.htm

Click on that link and then go to the right side where it says Quick Links to... and click on Legal Age for Self Care. Again, I haven't done it, so I have nothing to worry about. However, I know that my ex is trying to say that I am guilty of doing this. My ex is saying that he has proof that this has happened and he has told the kids that he has proof, but he won't disclose what it is. I simply told them, FIRST, it has never happened so how can he have proof about something that has never happened. SECOND, if I did anything that was against the law, I would be in jail right now. Since I am not, then he has no proof that I have done ANYTHING wrong.

I would like to tell him off, but I think that is wasted energy. I just want to ignore him. However, I still want to protect myself in the best way possible.

Had the therapy appointment with the kids' therapist last night. She said that my ex went behind my back, scheduled an appointment with her to tell her that he had reason to believe that I had left the children alone. She said that she knew that it was an attempt for him to try and get me in trouble and that there was little credability in it. She said that she could base her opinion on that because of the fact that he did not ONCE talk about the children, how they were doing, what they were doing when they were with him (even though she specifically asked him). She said that the appointment was 30 minutes long and she could not get ANYTHING out of him except for his complaining about what he thought I was doing. She further said that she told him that she did not think that was going on because the children never mentioned anything. She also told me that she asked him for proof of this, and he could not give her any. Again, this is proof that he has no basis, and he is a police officer who would have an ability to show evidence if it were there. I just find the entire thing to be truly funny, although frustrating.

After she was done speaking with me, the kids went in individually to talk with her. At the end, when I went back in to set the next appointment/pay, etc. she told me that she asked the kids specific questions about this subject. She told me that both of them confirmed that they felt that their father was "making them lie" to "get mom in trouble". She specifically asked them if I had ever left them alone, and of course both of them said no.

Just wanted to let you all know. I know we will be okay.

Maybe I should keep this thread going so that others can post their frustrations about their similar situations. Maybe we can help each other work through these issues so that our exes don't have the power over us that they so much need.

How about it?