I wasn't sure where to put this, but since it at least partly deals with sexuality, I figure it's best place is here. Lately, I've been feeling so not myself. I guess it's been gradually happening over the last few months but over the past month it has gotten worse. My husband works far away from home and is gone for 3 weeks at a time, then home for a week. When he's home, I've been finding that I've been getting really sensitive to how he spends his time. Like if he spends too much time on the internet, or too much time watching TV, or if he falls asleep on the couch, I get really hurt. When we are together, I want him to be sweet and romantic, but sometimes he's just a joker and tickles, or jokes around and such, and I'll get bothered by that because it isn't what I'm wanting from him. Since we've been together, I was never the one who initiated sex. If I got it, great, if I didn't, that was perfectly fine with me too. But this last little while, when we're together, it's all I can think about. It's not just about needing sex--it's about being with HIM and as close to him as I can possibly be. He doesn't quite get that. He figures I've just reached my sexual prime. While being horny (sorry, I lacked a better word) all the time (and yes, I mean ALL the time) is a part of it, it's more emotional I think. And my emotions are completely out of whack. For an example, I watched the movie Marley and Me. I laughed through the first half and cried like a baby through the entire second half. It wasn't just the movie. I can react the same way to a commercial on TV. It's not unusual for me to tear up at a sad movie, but not to outright cry like I did. And I've been doing this with everything. I'm not sad or depressed. My moods are the same as they always were. I'm just a lot more emotional. I get annoyed at my husband because he doesn't seem to understand what it is that I need from him. We are that couple who is madly in love with each other. And what I want is to ACT that way too.

So my questions are:

I'm turning 34 next week. Is it an age thing? Is this normal?
Is it just that I'm reaching my sexual prime? Would that make my emotions go out of whack too?
How do I convey to my husband what I want and need from him without making him feel like he's not good enough or like I'm blaming him for something?
Is this how it's going to be for me from now on?

If anyone can make any sense of this for me, I would really appreciate the help!

Hi,

You have the signs of depression... the crying too frequently... lack of ability to control your emotions, it sounds almost like you are mourning the loss of your innocence and having to face real life with a man... the wanting your husband to be frequently "sweet and romantic" when he is home for a week.. wanting to control him.

I think you would feel better if you talk this out with a professional... great progress can be made toward bringing back happy feelings toward your life and your husband. :)

Very best wishes,

I agree with what Choux stated abouve plus I want to add you are coming into your sexual prime as well... your long periods alone is not helping this and in fact is causing it, at best its making it worse because you want what time and attention he can offer as he is away so frequently for so long.

I agree as well. See your doctor. Depression (the disease) has NOTHING to do with being sad. You have classic signs of it--believe me, you will find it MUCH easier to deal with your life and your emotions once you start treatment.

You would also benefit from going to counseling, not only to deal with your depression, but to deal with the communication issues in your marriage. You have a lot of high expectations for a man that has been away for a long time, and then comes home and can't read your mind.

I've been through depression before. I'm positive that's not what's going on with me now. And just to be sure, I went through a few websites that list signs and I don't have any of them. I don't cry over nothing ever. If anything, my life is better now than it's ever been and I've been very content and happy. My only issue is with my husband. Over the years that we've been together, we've been through a lot, and even when things got as bad as they could get, we stuck together. We even hated each other at times. I think that's why we're so in love now. But I think part of the problem is we don't know exactly how to react to each other. Like he'll be gone for a few weeks and come home, and we don't greet each other with a kiss and a hug. It's not that we don't love each other or even that we don't want to. It's just that after so many years little contact due to the problems we were going through, it feels awkward now. It's almost like neither of us is sure if the other wants it. And it's the same with spending time together. Through the years he spent more nights on the couch (his choice) than in bed with me. While he sleeps with me all the time when he's home now, it's like that same awkward feeling is there when I suggest going to bed. I'm definitely not looking to control him or monopolize his time as I know it's important for him to have time to himself even when he's home--especially when he's home, and I encourage him to!

My emotions could also be due to PMS, but if I'm still like this in a couple of weeks time, I will definitely see the doctor, as I know depression often does go undiagnosed. But at this point in time I don't think that's it. The more I type here, the more I'm thinking it's just that I need to learn to ignore the awkward feelings I get with my husband and just learn to tell and show him how I feel. I spend a lot of time alone, and don't often have people to talk to about these things, so that's probably part of it too. Unfortunately, my "best friend" is quite caught up in herself and is always "too busy" to get together, so I don't get the opportunity to get things off my chest or get the advice of a good friend. So I guess it all contributes in some way.

So maybe now I'll ask for a bit of different advice. I'm a shy person, and as I've said, I've never been one to initiate sex. I've never been able to tell him what I want really. So how can I learn to do this now? What can I do that will make a difference? One thing that I have been doing that he tells me he enjoys is sending him a daily email just saying I love him and miss him. What else can I do? Maybe if I figure out how to relate to him, I'll realize that's all the problem was.

I'm still a little concerned about my sex drive changing to dramatically. Even if we had sex a couple of times through the day, I would still want it. Is that normal?

The problem with depression is the person suffering from it sometimes is the last person to recognise they have a problem.

Yes, and the other problem with it is people are too quick to put such a label. Not everything needs medication. Sometimes all a person needs is a bit of understanding and advice. Thanks anyway.

Sometimes that advice needs to come from a professional, though.

We don't know your medical history, we don't know ALL of what is going on in your life, and we certainly don't know the history of your relationship with your husband.

I suffered from depression, was the last person to realize it, and had MANY of the symptoms you do. Whether it is depression, it's NOT normal to cry at the drop of a hat. Emotions out of whack are usually a symptom of something bigger.

It certainly would not HURT you to talk to your doctor about it.

You seem very defensive about depression--is there something in your past that has made you so? I know that my husband made it out to be a MUCH more horrible thing than it was when I was diagnosed. He didn't understand that it had nothing to do with being sad or not content with my life, that it had to do with my BODY not working correctly. Is there something like this there in your life too?

Whether it is depression, you have SERIOUS communication issues in your marriage. You could talk to a marriage counselor yourself, or pick up a book on communicating in a marriage, and talk about THAT with your husband via emails and such as well.

Your husband can't read your mind and know what you need from him instinctively, just as you can't read HIS mind and know what HE needs. You need to TALK to each other about it.

Why not tell him in one of your emails all the things you MISS--like cuddling and kissing and hugging when you first see each other. Maybe say something like, "I can't wait to see you again--I've missed you so much that the first thing that's going to happen when I see you again is that I'm going to kiss your socks off!"

It would be a start, anyway.

Oh my god... it's called being a woman. NOT being depressed haha! We all go through this! I am about the same age and me and my circle or friends talk about this often because we ALL go through it at some time or another. Just tell your husband how you feel... be blunt... tell him he makes you hot and you want him haha! You said in the past that you didn't care whether you got sex... well let me clue you in on something... he is trained! If he is used to you not really caring it can diminish his sex drive too... BUT... you said you were the couple that is madly in love soooo if he is spending a lot of time doing other things besides being with you something could be up. You might want to seek counseling. Buttttttt I would say that you definitely just need to be more aggressive!

And I must say... hormones CAN make you cry at the drop of a hat! Think about when you are on your period... I don't know about you but myself and many others are a MESS! I will bawl at a commercial like it's nobodys business!

I'm not defensive about depression, and I apologize if I came across that way. I do, however, think it's a dangerous thing for people to diagnose a complete stranger on the basis of a couple of paragraphs. Many doctors these days are so busy that often prescriptions are written too quickly instead of investigating what really might be wrong. I would hate to think anyone would walk into a doctor's office, suggest they are depressed, and get a prescription for something they didn't need in the first place. It is definitely something to be taken seriously. I have been through depression in the past. I also have a friend who has been on medication for years. I have researched it, and I do believe it runs in my family. I am familiar enough with it to know that it's not what my problem is right now. And I thank Kelly for hearing me say that and seeing past it to offer suggestions as to what might be happening to me. I can tell you, it's a HUGE relief to know I'm not the only one. I don't cry at the drop of a hat... I have always shown emotion to things that were sad, such as a movie, or even as a reaction to other people's emotions. Just lately, instead of just tearing up, I really cried. Part of it might have been that I knew how the movie was supposed to end, and it was making me sad because I was enjoying the movie so much and didn't want it to have a sad ending. Part of it might have been PMS. Part of it might have been just that I needed to cry. Crying is good for the soul!

I'm also going to point out that I in no way have SERIOUS communication issues with my husband. I have communication issues when it comes to discussing sex because I tend to be shy and easily embarrassed. We can talk about anything and everything else in the world, and we do. We talk on the phone every day for at least an hour, usually more when he has the time (he works long days) and when he's home, we talk about a lot of things. We rarely argue simply because we tend to talk things out before they get to that point. We recognize that we don't always have to agree with each other--we are one couple but have two different minds.

While we might not kiss right away when he first comes home, he goes to bed with me that night and will hold me and cuddle me and it's all very nice. I guess what I'm looking for is a little bit more passion, and I'm sure he'd be willing to give it, but I don't know how to say it to him. And this new wanting is very new to me, it came on quite suddenly (which is why I asked about sexual prime) being someone who didn't necessarily care if we had sex or not in the past.

Kelly, again, thank you. What you said makes a lot of sense, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. I don't worry about his internet time or anything like someone else being in the picture. That is one place where we have been able to have many frank discussions and we both feel very strongly against cheating (his ex cheated on him numerous times). And the poor man doesn't have time with working long days. He's exhausted when he first comes home. He spends the better part of a couple of days sleeping.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining about him either, because I'm not. It took me a long time to realize it, but I know now that he's an amazing man and I'm so lucky to have him in my life. I'd truly be lost without him. I find myself loving him more everyday, and as our son grows older, and the daily responsibilities lessen (like I no longer work), I'm sure these are things that contribute to me wanting to have more of him. Writing it out and playing it through my mind has helped a lot. I have lots of friends, but not close friends. We all need a little "girlfriend time" now and then to make sense of our feelings, and I'm not getting that, so I had nobody to say this is normal or that is normal.

I think Kelly hit that nail on the head with me needing to be more aggressive, and I'm going to try. In fact, yesterday I sent him an email with 10 things I wanted from him when he got home. The first on the list was a passionate kiss when he arrives. I asked him to also send me a list of 10 things he wants from me. It's still awkward, but a little easier to do it through email. This is where I was originally asking for suggestions--ways to approach him to let him know how I feel without him feeling that he's done something wrong, because it's not him-it's me. And I never knew anything about sexual prime until my husband mentioned it, so I didn't know what to expect. To go from wanting little to nothing to wanting everything all the time is a drastic change, especially so quickly. I needed to know if that's normal. I was seriously worried that something could be medically wrong with me (not depression, but... I don't know, infections, or something to make me feel, and here's that word again, horny all the time. And you can bet if I find it difficult to talk to my husband about sex, talking to a doctor would be near impossible! Lol

My original post was probably poorly worded, but like I said, typing it all out and going over it in my mind, it's making more and more sense to me.

So, back to the suggestions about how to approach my husband... anyone got any? And anyone care to share how they felt and what it was like for them when they reached their sexual prime? I did some looking up on the internet, but didn't find very good information.

You may not be intending it but you are in fact being very defensive about depression...

I'm not defensive about depression, and I apologize if I came across that way. I do, however, think it's a dangerous thing for people to diagnose a complete stranger on the basis of a couple of paragraphs. Many doctors these days are so busy that often prescriptions are written too quickly instead of investigating what really might be wrong. I would hate to think anyone would walk into a doctor's office, suggest they are depressed, and get a prescription for something they didn't need in the first place. It is definately something to be taken seriously. I have been through depression in the past. I also have a friend who has been on medication for years. I have researched it, and I do believe it runs in my family. I am familiar enough with it to know that it's not what my problem is right now. And I thank Kelly for hearing me say that and seeing past it to offer suggestions as to what might be happening to me. I can tell you, it's a HUGE relief to know I'm not the only one. I don't cry at the drop of a hat... I have always shown emotion to things that were sad, such as a movie, or even as a reaction to other people's emotions. Just lately, instead of just tearing up, I really cried. Part of it might have been that I knew how the movie was supposed to end, and it was making me sad because I was enjoying the movie so much and didn't want it to have a sad ending. Part of it might have been PMS. Part of it might have been just that I needed to cry. Crying is good for the soul!

What is dangerous is not heeding the warning signs of a problem that many times goes untreated because people are unwilling to admit they have a problem. While I have no statistics to prove it (but they might exist) Treatible cases of depression that have not been treated has caused untold misery for people and more than a few divorces....

A dotor isn't going to treat you for depression if youdon't have it, THEY are going to diagnose and only treat you depending on what they find, or not....there is no one drug and no one doseage for that problem...its a process to find out whats right for any one person. And yes I know people who more than once had to have medications and doseages changed because they weren't working right before they actually committed suicide. Yeah thats a more severe form but you only do yourself a disservice if you choose to ignore it.


How do you approach your husband? Rule number #1 is he isn't a machine..likely tired from the travel, and while he does appreciate seeing his family don't just dump everything at his feet all at once.

You want a passionate kiss, well give him one...why do you have to wait for him to initiate it...you want sex...why wait for him to initiate it...you are married, I know I'm not the only guy who doesn't have a problem with my wife telling me she wants it when the urge hits.