Hi everyone

I really don't know what to do so if anyone can help or offer reassurance I would be so grateful

I am a mum of 14 month old daughter, our only child, and she has had a really bad temper since she was about 6 or 7 months old, though in the last few months its become extreme. She has a normal tantrums in the day though when it comes around to going to bed all hell breaks loose. Unless I lay down with her - downstairs on the sofa as it doesn't work in her bed, she won't go to slepp or stay asleep if we do manage to get her off to sleep.

She thrusts her body around really hard, bangs her head on cot edge or wall or us, hits us and herself, screams at the top of her lungs until her voice is hoarse, pulls her hair, bites... you name it it is there.

I have been in tears recently for a number of reason - no sleep for months as she is up all night long unless in our bed in which case we can't sleep ourselves then, also I am worried that there is something wrong with her as everyone keeps saying they have never seen a baby of this age like it, Im scared of her hurting herself - she managed to throw herself from the cot the other night so we have put a bed guard up and made it into a bed - as it's a cot bed its very low down though still this hasn't helped.

I've tried cuddling her in bed, offering her water and juice, holding her hand sitting in her room, getting her to sleep on the floor on a mattress as health visitor suggested, leaving her to cry though all these make it worse.

Any suggestions/help or reassurance?

The answer, which I don't think you're going to like, is to leave her alone. By continually bringing her into your bed, or laying down with her when she's screaming, has only taught her one thing over and over again: that everntually she'll get what she wants.

Very typical I am afraid - Gone are the days of simply eating and sleeping. She now has a distinct way of expressing herself. The range of her emotions is seemingly endless. Keep a close eye on her and you'll witness excitement and confusion when she first encounters a new toy, pride as she shows you how to slide that little yellow star into the proper hole and even anger when she's not given the object she wants. It's this last emotion that can cause some embarrassing and, yes, loud moments in your life. Welcome to the age of the temper tantrum. If your child becomes this angry, experts advise adopting a matter-of-fact attitude about the tantrum (assuming of course that the child is not in physical danger). As difficult as it may be, do not give in to these outbursts.

Let your child know that you understand her anger but will not acknowledge how she is expressing it. You should see the tantrum subside as she realizes the behavior will not get a rise out of you. As she grows older, talk to her about why her behavior is not acceptable. This is best done after the tantrum has subsided and things have settled down again.

Most of all, remember that this is but one emotion she'll express. Once it quiets down again you can continue to enjoy the moments of excitement and affection that are soon to follow.

I know it is very hard, I have been there ,but the best way to deal with it is to ignore it the best you can.

Thank you both for quick replies

We have tried going out of the room and letting her scream though that's when she started banging her head on the cot bars and then throwing herself out of the cot - after that it scares me so much to leave her in case she really hurts hurself

It is reasurring that Im not alone though it is so difficult. My main worry is that she will hurt herself.

Trust me she will not hurt herself to that extent - it looks much worse than it is and the noise she makes - makes it seem so much worse.

When she behaves in this way the moment you go running to her gives her what she wants- she needs to learn that she can not behave this way and you are the one who needs to be the teacher here.She learns by you !

I know you are both right - its just implementing it which is the hard thing. I am terrified of her really hurting herself. With her being only 14 months old Im scared that she is too young to understand what is really going to hurt her.

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Originally Posted by Elfbwillow

I know you are both right - its just implementing it which is the hard thing. I am terrified of her really hurting herself. With her being only 14 months old Im scared that she is too young to understand what is really going to hurt her.

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I know it's hard, but think of it this way: when she was a baby and you took her in to get her immunization shots, what did she do when she got poked with the needle? She cried, and she cried because it hurt. She knows what pain is, and she's certainly not going to inflict it on herself. She might to some extent, but she'll stop before she really hurts herself because she doesn't like pain.

Have you discussed this with your pediatrician? Could there be a phobia of some sort?

I would definitely recommend a visit with her doctor at this point, there could be a number of causes for this.

She has become so used to be being settled with you that of course she is going to scream blue murder - how dare you not snuggle her too sleep ! She is demanding you do what she wants - you are gluten for punishment if you do not sort this out now.

Try and tire your little one as much as you can throughout the day - great age to mix at playgroups.

Do you and your partner argue over this at all ? If so your little mite will use it to her advantage and play up more to the softer one !

You need to establsih a bed time routine and stick to it !

Bath time - Pjs on - Bed Time story ( no exciting games ) - Supper/ Bottle - BED - SLEEP !

Now easier said than done and this will not happen over night or even in a week but stick to it and it will get better -

Separation tantrums seem very genuine to you. The child acts terrified of being left alone, screams, clings, and in this case acts violent when you're gone. Sneaking away is a quick fix that backfires later, because it scares children to realize their parents can just disappear or are willing to leave them--so they become more clingy. When parents handle separation lovingly and helpfully, children work through the separation issues quicker and are more secure in the long-run. If this is the case in your situation, you will usually see the tantrums surface as you are saying your final "goodnight" and attempting to leave or after you've left and your little one is by herself.

If you always rush into soothe a child, the child doesn't learn how to soothe herself. Teach your little mite how to comfort herself. Your goal is not to have your daughter "fall asleep," but rather to have your little one in bed soothing herself, relaxing and eventually falling asleep. Allow her to choose a comfort object, do quiet movements (rocking) or make self-calming sounds (singing) to help herself relax. If "lights off" increases your daughters anxiety, use a soothing musical infant light. Use a regular nightlight if sounds keep her awake.

Reassure her that she is safe, you are nearby and you will check on hier. Say something like, "It is time for you to go to bed. Mommy and daddy will be in their bed soon." No need for a long diatribe or pleading with her to stay in bed, which can turn into a power struggle. Trust me I have done it for hours !

If your little one starts to cry after you leave, do not "rescue" her immediately or she'll learn to expect it. Also don't let her "cry it out" indefinitely. Children can get worked up so quickly, it can set you back to square-one. Instead, use the following process.
Wait a short time, like three minutes, then come back to check on her. Soothe her in quiet ways but do not pick her up. Do not increase the time between your checks until she handles three minutes well. Then increase the wait to five minutes. When she handles five minutes, increase to ten, and so on. The next night, try starting at the time limit your little one handled the night before. The key to the success of this approach is that children know they can rely on parents coming back and the time limit does not become unreasonable.

I hope this will help you as I know all too wll how hard this can be !

While I agree with everything everyone has said here, there still may be a medical problem that has caused this. Ear infections are notorious for causing this kind of behavior, among a few other things.

Explore a medical opinion as well as all the wonderful advice above.

I agree with the seeking medical advice also - of course the above would not work if little one is in pain or uncomftable in any way.

Maybe best if you were to get that ruled out - even just for your own piece of mind.

I had a wonderful health visitor - well still have as I still ask he for the odd advice when needed - they are a god send too.

We have asked the health visitor and she suggested mattress on the floor and leave her to cry either on that or in the cot though neither worked. They basically said that the temper didn't exist as 1 year olds don't have bad tempers though I know different! Ill book an appointment with the doctor tomorrow - she has had all her check ups and the last one being only a week ago (heart and hip and chest) which everything was fine. What other medical causes? Something really bad? That's something Im worried about.



Myself and my husband don't tend to argue in front of our daughter though I must admit there have been a few times where we have started too what with lack of sleep, though in the main do try not to. I usually take our daughter to toddler groups about three mornings a week and try to get her outside when its not too cold or wet. The other day we went to a farm parm and she ran around with her cousin resulting in her actually falling aslee in her bed without temper... for two hours then woke up and tempers started again.

She has a bed time routine with sitting with us looiking at books or jigsaws or something quiet whilst cbeebies is on then she actually says 'teeth' after that so she knows the routine - we take her to do her teeth, then try to cuddle with her to read a book in her bed though tempers usually start then. She has a bath every other night usually though bathtimes she gets very excited so it doesn't seem to make a difference to her sleep time.

We have always made sure that she knows if we are going on the fe occasions I have left her with my mum or sister and usually she will cry and scream though not for long - as soon as they have her amused she is OK they tell me.


I will try that though I don't know whether it will work well with her temper tantrums being so bad?

You are helping so much - everyone is who has replied and thank you to everyone. mum2five - it is so reassuring to talk to someone who knows exactly how I feel thank you so much.

Anyone who tells you that 1 year old don't have tempers has obviously never been a parent.

If you've already had her checked over by her pediatrician, I saw you have nothing more to worry about. It's just a kid doing what she does best: getting what she wants out of life, which is her mommy. What she doesn't understand is that her mommy & daddy need each other, too. So let her scream & cry; once she learns that you won't react to it, the temper tantrums will become far & few between.

DO NOT STRESS !
No by going to the doctors hun I meant ear infection - tooht ache etc nothing bad - by my own personal experience your little one is just playing up ! It was just a precautionary measure.

Look hun honest it seems like no light at the end of the tunnel I know - I have spent hours sat outside bedroom doors - singing daft songs till Ihave fallen asleep next to a cot - basically banged my own head on a wall.
Lack of sleep is the most horrid thing and you end up being short tempered and shouting and it is a nasty circle.

Honest it does get better. You sound like a fantastic mummy and yor little girl loves you to bits - but mummy and daddy need some time too - so try little steps to sort out this problem. What works for one does not work for another - Kids do not come with a manual - you will get past this phase I promise you x
Then go threw it all again if you add to your family!

Don't worry, she won't hurt herself. I remember when I was young, I use to just sit their and cry, throw things and try to rip off my hair in order to get something. But I couldn't do it, the pain will be greater at that age then the wants. Don't worry, she won't hurt herself.

Im getting tears in my eyes with thanks to all your support and advice - it feels good to be able to talk about this to people who know what I'm going through. Thank you all so much especially mum2five - hopefully light will be at the end of the tunnel eventually

Kids will be kids x They make us laugh and make us cry x
It helps to talk to others - makes you feel less like an alien x

Do you know for a fact that there is no medical reason for this? If you do then ask the doctor for sleeping pills for her, and try them for a couple of nights. Other than that, she is trying to be the boss and apparently is succeeding at it.

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Originally Posted by 450donn

ask the doctor for sleeping pills for her,

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Sleeping pills for a 14 month old? :eek:

I really don't think that's a good idea.

It's most likely that she has learned how to efficiently control mommy and daddy into doing what she wants. It's time for tough love.

But remember, this too shall pass.

I agree with J_9:

Sleeping pills do not seem to work with kids! Unless they are super strong dose!

But in that case, its not good for early brain development. Whatever you do, stay away from as much drug as possible. A child is better living a drug-free life, anything natural is better then man made. Maybe vitamins is okay, allergy is a exception, you can't do anything about a runny nose...