I don't know what do I really feel.
She loves me a lot. I used to have no fear in loving her. Just one day I started disliking her physical looks. I used to be angry for some things that she did, but I suppressed that. I think it came back to me, cause now every little thing can make me mad. From that day I started to worry do I really love her or not. I don't know has me seeing her became a habit so I can't distinguish what is real. And I cried thousands of times for ever thinking that. But those thouths came back every day. I started to question myself "do i really love her or am i just carried away". I got this stomack twitchings every day. During that I think it's over with her. And when it stops I weep and repent for ever thinking that. I started thinking only about sex every day. Before my depression attacks I used to feel the love, and I rarely masturbated. Now I do it like 3 times a day. I became obsessed with hot dressed women on the street. They catch my mind and in that momment I start thinking "am i missing something", "should i try other women". Btw. This is my first girlfriend. Sometimes during the day I feel love fore her, but sometimes I feel like it's over. Sometimes I like the way she look sometimes I don't. I'm attracted to all the women on the planet. I like my girl cause we have billion of thing in common, and we are very free when together. When I start worrying about should I try other, in that momment I can't enjoy her company. I fear that if I break up I will find myself alone and a strager in other people worlds and that then I couldn't get her back, cause you never miss it 'till it's gone away. I just don't know how I feel. I fear that I was opsessed being with her cause she is my first and now the "carried away" thing has faded and the truth reveals it's self. I have low self-esteem and am undecieded and envious a lot. I think those are the main causes for me ruining myself. I don't know which way to go.
I hope anyone has the time to read this. Plus this are not all the fact probably. It's all that I can remember at this momment.