Ask Me Help Desk - What do I do?

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. In the last year he's treated me really badly. Has no respect for me. And when I tell him he doesn't he gets mad and says that he's right and I'm wrong. I usually don't have low self esteem but he makes me feel worthless. I never felt that way until recently. When we told me himself that he thought I was. Basically a few months ago a co worker of his told me he was sleeping with another co worker. When I confronted him about it he said he didn't but I looked at his phone records and he's always talking and texting her. Should I believe him when he says they're just friends or should I believe my gut? Also he claims she's never been to our house, but the other night she knocked on our door. How would she know where we live if she had never been there. He's always saying that I need to prove myself to him by doing sexual things with other men. I don't want too and I don't so what do I do? Why do I let him treat me this way? I think he's cheating but since I told him my feelings he said I screwed up and need to prove myself to him. I'm not the liar, I'm not the cheater, I'm not the one being accused of cheating because of slight evidence. Just tonight he broke up with me because I told him he was disrespecting me and I don't need to prove myself he either loves me or he doesn't love me for who I am and that's that. HE claims he loves me but how can you love someone you disrespect so much. He said he's discusted in me because of who I am. BUt I do nothing but cater to him for the last 3 years. I do everything for him. I cook I clean I do his laundry, I give him sex. I do so much more. I work and pay my bills. He made me move back home with my parents before new years because I didn't have a job and he said I would find a job that way. Since then he's been telling me to have sex with other guys and tell him about it. Because doing so will prove I love him and I'm willing to do anything for him. I don't need to prove myself. Please help I need to know what to do. He's been acting weird since September.

Hi, starlitesummer!

It sounds to me, like this is a guy that can't face the fact that he needs to tell you the truth about his feelings. It also sounds to me like he is someone who wants to move on with his life, but can't bring closure to the past. I think that he is a coward who can't face telling you how he really feels.

I've been there, done that in a number of relationships that I've had where I have been on the negative receiving end. I just had to let them go...

If he's really interested in you, then he would be demonstrating that to you, rather than putting some sort of unreasonable and unrealistic conditions on you in order to have a relationship with him. You having sex with other guys and then him requiring you to tell him about it? That's almost certainly an excuse to get you to do things so that he can continue to blame you.

You need to prove yourself to him? From what you've already described, it would seem, that even if you did need to do that, then just standing by him and supporting him for the past 3&1/2 years should be all the "proof" that he needs!

My suggestion would be to lose this guy and get together with someone else who'll be more compatible with you so that you won't have so much heartache.

Just my take on things...

Hopefully, others will also be along to address your question.

Thanks!

OK trust your gut this guy has some really serious issues. I would just step away, far far away forever!

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Originally Posted by starlitesummer

I do everything for him. I cook I clean I do his laundry, i give him sex. i do so much more. i work and pay my bills. he made me move back home with my parents before new years because I didn't have a job and he said I would find a job that way. since then he's been telling me to have sex with other guys and tell him about it. because doing so will prove I love him and i'm willing to do anything for him. I don't need to prove myself. please help i need to know what to do. he's been acting weird since september.

All right, this is entirely to weird and unhealthy. Get out of this NOW. He wants you to have sex with other guys to prove you love him? That is inexcusable, and frankly, I don't even have the words to describe how disgusting that is. Your boyfriend, or ex, or whatever he likes to think of himself as, is a walking contradiction of love.

Get the hek out of there! He is emotionally abusing you, and you cannot change this type of behavior, as it only leads to bigger, and more painful, problems! Good luck.

Step 1: LEAVE HIS A$$!

It's easy for a person to disrespect a person who has no respect for themselves.

Seriously you need to grow a pair and RUN!

Run away from this absolute load of s***!

This man does not love or respect you. His treatment of you is disgusting. He emotionally abuses you.

RUN!!

Thanks guys I really appreciate the support and help. I guess sometimes it takes hearing things from other people to get a perspective of what your really in. sounds like I'm in deep waters right now and need to remove myself from the situation

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Originally Posted by starlitesummer

Thanks guys I really appreciate the support and help. I guess sometimes it takes hearing things from other people to get a perspective of what your really in. sounds like i'm in deep waters right now and need to remove myself from the situation

This is our way of throwing you a raft and pulling you out of this mess! Latch on, and let's roll... :)

Yea... um... you need to cut him looses ASAP

He's making a mockery of you; especially with that whole sleeping with other guys to prove your love for him mess...

He's playing you

You better run as fast as you can. This man has serious issues. Don't you have more respect for yourself than that?

I do not want to sound harsh but it sounds like he is almost pimping you out wanting you do to things with other guys and tell him about it - This guy either see's this as a turn on our he is pimping you.

I know from what your saying in your post that right now you feel low and are finding things tough. I think you have thrown yourself a life line at present by dumping this guy.

You may not want to hear this but your boyfriend (ex) has real issues and you are best off out of it. If you are living under his roof then maybe you could go stop with family or friends like you have before, if it is your house kick his you the kerb.

No one has any right to this anyone or treat another person bad. You need to get that get up and go back into your life and stand up for yourself.

If you do nothing else in your whole life fine - but right now you need to get out of this relationship !

Hey Starlite summer,

This guy has no respect or care for you

He is totally selfish and his morals are v wrong

He is a cheater and he is placing guilt on you instead of himself

I find it rather distrubing that he wants you to sleep with other guys to prove you love him. Sorry this is SICK.

From what you have said in your post- I think you know this is not a healthy normal relationship.

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

There are many males in this world who will love you for who you are. This person is def not the one.

As all the others have said this guy is a complete jerk and not worthy of your attention or Love.

I think you may have dodged a bullet by being rid of this one , don't go back.

You all have been really helpful I appreciate it. I'm not living with him right now I'm at home with my parents. We talked to day and things seem hopeful but I think your advice is more logical. So I'm not holding my breath about getting back with him or taking him back or any of that. Friends maybe, maybe something later. But probably not

Make him disappear from your life as he will never be a good friend, sorry! Don't waste your time thinking he will.

Why would you stay in a relationship with someone who treats you bad? Don't you think more of yourself that that? Sorry, but it's dysfunctional! Way too many red flags, and its only going to escalate.

Hey Guy's I thought I would give an Update. I talked to one of his co-workers today, and she told me that the girl he's been sleeping with told her like two weeks ago they're still going at it. He's clearly playing the both of us. He came over this weekend and we had a great weekend but what's fishy is.When my boyfriend was on the road coming to visit me (we're in different states now)he called her and talked to her for 10 minutes. Probably telling her she can't see him this weekend blah blah blah whatever.Then I went to a funeral for a good childhood friend who Overdosed, anyway while I was gone, he called the girl he's been cheating on my with and talked to her for 15 minutes. I was only at this funeral for one hour. That's wrong. Well I know he's talking to her on his way home because I told him I got a phone call from a female someone looking for him. He got all defensive. Anyway, so my question is, why would he spend all this money on me to have a fun weekend (I didn't give him sex) and still have sex with her and cheat. I don't mind giving him sex if things were good, if I was in a good relationship but right now we're rocky. I'm not sure what's going on. I told you guys my original synopsis, and then there's this one. So I know what you guys think. He has since dropped the sex with other guys bit. However it took some time. I don't know what he's trying to do. But He is always blaming me for accusing him of things I'm not, it's just normal questions and comments, and he takes them like I'm accusing. Only someone guilty of something would get mad and defensive over something like that correct? I know I should just cut my losses and move on. But I really want to get solid evidence of their affairs and slap him with it. The girl he's cheating on me with say's she's really into him and really likes him and stuff and is content with their relationship. But that's a total disrespect for me. What should I do considering he works with her. To basically tell her to back the off and leave my man alone she can't have him without causing my boyfriend/ex to lose him job? Realistically if it comes down to it I don't care. I do care for him but I don't see a relationship lasting with him but I won't be the only one hurt her. I won't I feel he should be hurt and she should. Not me. He's in the military and I could go to him command and get him for fratinization. But we're not married and we probably won't ever be. Am I wasting my time and efforts or is it worth it to not be the only one hurt in this situation. I feel if I let this go and I leave him behind he's won. And I can't have that. I have more pride than to let him get away with cheating. Let me know. I'm so confused I'm sure this post doesn't even really make any sense. But I really need some ideas and guidance that's why I'm writing here. Thanks guys!

I don't see this as a matter of letting him get away with cheating or not. Don't stoop to that level! By letting this bother you as much as it already has, you're letting him win.

Have enough pride in yourself NOT to retaliate and try to do something to get him into trouble. The best kind of "revenge" you can get is by dumping him and moving on with your life. Initiate No Contact and concentrate on making your life better - you've let him affect yours long enough.

You'll soon find your life is better without all this drama and eventually you'll find someone better who will treat you right.

I don't understand what you are doing to yourself? Get out of this right now. No more playing around and trying to slap him with the evidence of cheating. To continue to put yourself through something like this is absolutely ridiculous!

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but I really need some ideas and guidance that's why I'm writing here. Thanks guys!

Dump him, and stop wasting your time.