Ask Me Help Desk - How to minimize breakup hurt

I could really use some advice. I have been “dating” someone in the Navy for the last eight months. It's been long distance all along since he's stationed in another state and left just a few months after we ended up together. Out of the last eight months, we've spent a little less than a month together. He's been deployed in Afghanistan since for about four months and will be coming back to the states in another two months.

I thought I was in love with him but it was all kind of a rush before he left. We've been friends since I was 14. We discussed finding a place together once he gets out of the Navy sometime this summer.

A few days ago my best friend confessed that he has been in love with me for the last three years. I didn't react the way I would expect someone already in love to react. Shouldn't I just be flattered but uninterested? But instead, I was very confused because I could actually see myself with him long term in a way that I can't imagine with my boyfriend. That's not normal and now I feel horribly guilty. I told my friend that I'm confused and couldn't possibly make any decisions about a possibility of a future with him while I'm still involved with someone else.

However, it's clear to me that I can't keep up a relationship with someone that I can't see a future with. That's not fair to him at the very least. Regardless of whether I end up with my friend, (that doesn't matter right now and I couldn't even begin to consider that at this point) I can't keep my relationship going if I would entertain ideas of being with someone else.

My boyfriend calls frequently, almost daily, to speak with me from his base. I don't want to add stress to him while he's deployed. And I know that I'm going to break his heart. I don't want to do that while he's deployed. But I don't think I can fake it over the phone for the next few months until we can see each other in person. Not to mention the hundreds of dollars I was planning on spending on a plane ticket to be there when he gets back to the US. So now I'm unsure of how to proceed. Thoughts, input, personal experience? I really appreciate it. I want to cause him as little pain as possible but don't know how long I can draw this out.

* EDIT - I should have specified this before, but the friend is out of state and I wouldn't start something with him right now anyway. Too many complications. And I wouldn't want it to be a rebound thing. *

Is it possible that the reason you feel these feelings towards your friend and not your boyfriend is because your friend is physically present while you're boyfriend is far away?

I think every long distance relationship end up encountering this obstacle at some point. Long distance relationship are VERY hard.

Personally, I don't believe in breaking up over phone or letters, but I also don't believe in putting it off when it's what your mind has decided to do.

I think that you should limit your time with the friends, exhibit some self-control, and speak to your boyfriend, tell him that a friend as expressed interest and that it's a very confusing time for you.

Jumping out of your current relationship and into a new one isn't a good choice.

I guess I would maybe take some time out for yourself, tell your boyfriend what has happened. But, tell him you do care about him as a person and need some time to think. I would stay in contact with him, but maybe not speak with him daily. Really figure out what you want, what's influencing you to lean certain ways, etc. And PLEASE don't play games with people's hearts.

So, here's my idea of what I believe should happen. I think you should be honest with the boyfriend about your feelings, what has happened, being confused etc. Tell him you need a break but would like to keep up contact with him. Do not date anyone else in this time and assure the boyfriend that you will not do this. And, take the time to thinkg about yourself and what you want and need.

If your looking else where then let the guy go. I don't think you are ready for a L.D.R
There hard even at the best of times.

Noodels made a great poing about the reason why you are probable attracted to this other guy. Is because he is there...

It's a sad fact but we are all very visual people.
And as I stated the idea of a boyfriend far off. Is very different than having someone close to home.

I hope you make your mind up.
And think long and hard about this.

Regards

That was excellent advice. But the friend isn't here. He's out of state right now as well. And will be even longer than my boyfriend will be gone.

So this isn't entirely about the friend. I wouldn't jump into a relationship with him right away. His confession just happened to be the catalyst for all of this.

I think that's really good for you then. Both guys are out of the picture and you have time to focus on yourself. Be honest with your boyfriend about what's going on and that you need a break to think. Take some time to yourself, at this point don't worry so much about hurting him but about what you need and want, if after a couple weeks you are 100% for sure that you don't want the navy guy then just be as honest with him as you can, and don't give him anything that could give him false hope. Be sensitive, but firm and clear in what you are saying to him.

Good luck, sorry you're at such a confusing point in your life, they do tend to be bummers.

Thanks Noodles. I appreciate your input. It is so confusing.

How do you go from being absolutely sure that you're in love with them to not being able to see a future with them overnight? I never would have believed I was capable of such fickleness.

You know, I had something similar, I broke it off with the guy and later realized it was the biggest mistake of my life.

I learned a lot, through a psychology class and through reading a lot, about relationships. The biggest lesson for me is that relationships go in cycles. You aren't always going to be "in love". I mean, sure you'll always care for and love this person, but you won't always experience that 'passionate' love. And the key is, that when you're not in the passionate part of the cycle, that this person is still your best friend.

So that's where I'm coming from where I suggest taking the time to think.

Thanks. I've decided to not decide. At least not for now. I am very confused and I wouldn't want to regret either my behavior or my choice. So I'm going to take the next two months and not actively try to make a decision. I'll figure things out from there.

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Wow, you have some issues already and being fresh from a divorce and with an infant child, a relationship would be really hard right now. I think you should be honest with yourself and him, and focus on your own life right now, and don't deal with a long distance relationship, or any other for now.

Your plate is quit full enough, especially given your past choices.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Wow, you have some issues already and being fresh from a divorce and with an infant child, a relationship would be really hard right now. I think you should be honest with yourself and him, and focus on your own life right now, and don't deal with a long distance relationship, or any other for now.

Your plate is quit full enough, especially given your past choices.

The divorce has been a never ending thing. But that's been all paperwork. I left my husband in November of 2007. And our son is now a toddler.

I did not seek out a romantic entanglement after I left my husband. In fact I took the first six months completely on my own (very little contact even with friends, just family) to try to figure out what was left of who I am after my 13 month marriage. And then with the person I started seeing at the start of this summer, it kind of happened out of the blue, I still wasn't looking for anything. The only reason I considered pursuing anything with him was that I cared a lot about him and it was going to be long distance for a while so I would have all the space I needed and he agreed to take it slowly. But I guess it has just been too much.

So I certainly see your point, and I agree that it's all far too complicated. But the tone was a bit condescending. There's a bit more to all my back history than is implied in the titles of my past threads.

Remember why you left or are leaving them.

I figured it was more to the story, there always is, but it wasn't a put down so forgive my bedside manners.

I just think you should not rush into anything, nor have very high unrealistic expectations. We all make mistakes and it hurts, so why do things we know can hurt us?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I figured it was more to the story, there always is, but it wasn't a put down so forgive my bedside manners.

I just think you should not rush into anything, nor have very high unrealistic expectations. We all make mistakes and it hurts, so why do things we know can hurt us??

Thanks. I appreciate the clarification. Slight over-sensitivity on my part, the part about choices grazed a nerve. I've had a lot of judgements passed on me by people who only saw what was transpiring on the surface so it's a sore spot.

I definitely agree with not rushing into anything. And after reflecting on this whole mess far too much, I think part of the issue is all the pressure from the men in my life. I think I need to just be left alone again for a while. I wasn't in a rush for another romance and I'm still not. I was far too young to settle down the first time and I'm not too much older (although just a tiny bit wiser and a lot less naive) now.

Thanks again.