I have two sons, they are both in their early twenties. They start jobs and they work for a little while then they quit. I am 45 years old and they have lived with me pretty much the whole time-but I really want them to be on their own-and I especially want them to keep working. THey live with me right now and have both just quit another job.

How do I either get them to keep working or get them out to fend for themselves. if they have no money?

I just want to either live on my own, so that I have no surprises at the end of the month, or I want to have them stay working solid and pay their own way.

Hi, relic, you are making it far to easy for them. In their 20s yet. My son graduated, stayed a bit and then found his own place in Toronto, he was 24 at the time.

They won't do it voluntarily, relic, until you start giving ultimatums.

So... you probably do their laundry, they have a hot meal when they come in the door, now matter how late. Nice beds to crawl into. Okay, think about it !

Two words: tough love.

Kick them out and stop supporting them. They are adults and time for adult responsibilities.

Don't pay a single bill for them, and if they want to live with you they pay rent, or you evict them.

A few weeks of sleeping in their car or at a shelter may be a good wake up call.

Sit down with them and tell them exactly what you have said here. Give them a time limit. Are either of them in school or are they both just working? That may be a deciding factor for some as well.
If you enjoy their company, and don't mind them living with you, set up a budget for them with costs for rent, food, etc. what chores they will do and so on.

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relic agrees: Thanks, I would love to kick them out-but no $ cause they don't work for more than 3 months at a time-then they quit/start etc-never level out.

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And that is exactly the problem. Because you Won't kick them out, they will continue to act like children. Too bad for them that they quit. If it means sleeping in a car or not being able to afford decent food they will learn the lesson that needs learning.

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Originally Posted by ;

relic disagrees: Actually, they have done their laundry since 12-they also cook etc.-I don't cater to them, but I do care if they are safe, fed, etc. Basic human needs. Easier said than done-but now I must do.

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Making it easy for them can have little to nothing at all to do with the chores and responsibilities that you have given them growing up.

You do apparently cater to them in the way that they know that you will always pick up their broken pieces and they do not have to worry about taking care of these things on their own.

You have to be firm and direct in order for them to accept their own responsibility and you are not being a good parent by not doing just that, because you are enabling them to not be self-dependant. Tough love, doesn't mean that you don't care about your children and their well being. It means just the opposite that you care enough that your children grow into self sufficient adults.

Think of it this way, relic. If something happened to you (heaven forbid) would they simply curl up and die? Probably not. They would figure out how to fend for themselves.

Why buy the cow when the milk is free is the motto I think of when reading your post. Why should they keep a job when they have a place to live and food to eat? I worked a crap job for 4 years because I developed this nasty habit of eating and having a warm place to sleep.

This is the solution my sister came up with. Her 19 year old was told to either A. become a full time student or B. find a full time job. When he decided being a full time video game player was more interesting she packed up his clothes and drove him to the recruiter's station. She told him he had worn out his welcome but the US Army would give him 3 hots and cot.

He looks real nice in his uniform, too.

It isn't going to be easy and they are going to whine and complain but you have to decide if you want to be the mother of adult men or mommy to 2 perpetual little boys.

Hi, relic, you have been given a lot of good suggestions, here, you are a mom, and I know that, so am I. We are bouncing back and forth here so something has to be resolved sooner or later. Procrastination is not a good sign in decision making. It means no decision will be made.

Steve mentioned 'tough love'. I go along with that. I have used that (not with my son) but with other family members when nothing else worked. They realized I loved them (some unconditionally) and finally we all got what we wanted.

Nothing can be resolved until you actually sit down with your sons and talk it out, tell them what you want and say this is how it is going to be; tell them you want a life. If they love you too, then they will understand and get on with it.

They aren't losing you and you aren't losing them; family units stay together no matter where each one happens to be. Love goes on. And unfortunately it won't until you all sit down together, show your love for each other and you tell them how its going to be.

Relic,

I'm a 29-year-old male who just moved out of my parents house when I got married 2 years ago. However, I was in college and then started my career. The last 2 years that I was at home I was completing grad school, saving for an engagement ring, and a down payment on a house. My parents never charged rent because I was always working towards a clear and realistic goal. Not to mention I was good at house renovations :)

I guess my biggest question is are your boys in college? If not, tough love all the way. Don't kick them out tomorrow, but set up some ground rules. No work or school... no warm bed. Don't give them any spending money, Don't buy them videogames or let them use your car. Set a timetable and stick to it. Otherwise they'll be slackers for many, many years to come. The goal is that once they're out of the house... they stay out.

They are so comfortable with there set up! Why work if you have someone paying the bills. No different than the people that receive government checks for disabilities. They can work some but if they make too much money their checks get reduced so they quit or get fired. Stand your ground and MAKE them independent... or register them as a democrat! Good luck!

Relic--when reading the answers, you can reply to your own question with more information for other posters by clicking on the box that says "Answer this Question" at the bottom of the page.

That way you can give more information about your situation without starting a new question or just giving ratings out.

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

relic disagrees: I am an awesome parent-kids always paid their/chores etc.-I want to know what how to encourage/help them to find a job they enjoy, as they get paid much less now, as they used to work for my oilfield comp-sold it-so how keep motivated with crappy pay

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I don't think that anyone posting believes anything accept that you are a good parent, but you are not listening to the advice either.

You need to establish rules and boundaries and work on tough love. If you want to encourage them to find jobs that they love, have them visit their local community college and do some career assessments. Have them enroll in college, if they aren't ready to enter the working world, furthering their education can be beneficial in more ways than one. It will also help them with working in crappy pay - deadend jobs, by giving them the education to work in fields that they desire, with the pay they desire as well.

Mostly establish a timeline, if they are not willing to attend school. Give them time to build some cash base so that they aren't being dumped on the streets, but work on getting them out of the house. It is for their benefit and your own that you establish boundaries.

In this day and age, it isn't unusual for adult children to live at home, or for adult children to return home because of the job market. Opportunities are not available as they once were. Entire families are losing their homes and jobs, and it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

Every night on the news we see people in lineups for jobs at fast food joints; teachers, auto workers, executives. All are desperate to find jobs to keep their homes and feed their families.

That being said, it is a highly competitive work place if you do find a job. There is always somebody quicker, smarter, better skilled, and willing to work for less, just to remain employed.

Under different circumstances, I'd say the tough love thing is probably a good idea. Where there are jobs that pay enough to support a person, and the economy is booming, and there is a future with choices available, it is a logical soloution. But, it is different in today's world.

I would check out all available options, and I agree that some expectations have to be set. Maybe not quitting one job until another one is established. Re-training, upgrading the education, taking on a trade, employment assessment, etc.

It is so easy to get into a rut and be discouraged. All I can say is, if it were my kids, I'd get as much information as I could together, and sit them down, and say, "pick one", and start from there. It may just be a visit to the local job bank, but it's a start in the right direction. A lot of community courses are offered free, and that is worth checking out as well. Same with online information on putting a resume together, how to be prepared for an interview, all that stuff.

I wish you luck, and I agree that under the circumstances, I'd be helping too, and being more patient than if the real world wasn't as lousy as it is right now.

Some kids never learn to swim or they learn later in life. The kids that to learn to swim at early ages have no choice when they are thrown in the deep water by their parents. Tough for a parent to do this and watch this, but look at the out come.

You mean ear infections, trauma and future visits to the shrink? LOL- KIDDING!! Couldn't resist. :D

You are right. They will adapt to reasonable challenges.

As adults, to expect anything less, is not allowing them to grow up in many ways.