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-   -   My sister and her downward slide in life (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=308871)

  • Jan 26, 2009, 11:42 AM
    esimp
    My sister and her downward slide in life
    Hello. I have a sister who is 36 years old, college educated, attractive, has a good job and who (at the outset) was headed in the right direction in the game of life. Unfortunately she got involved with an individual some time ago, and is currently living with this person who is, in no uncertain terms, a complete loser. Throughout the time span of this “union”, which has unfortunately been in place for going on 10 years now, I’ve watched helplessly as this individual has by sheer force of will brought my sister down to his despicable level of maturity and responsibility. He’s a thirty-something year old high school drop out and has no desire to finish his education at this level or any other. He’s an alcoholic and has lost his driving privileges due to driving while under the influence. He’s been briefly imprisoned for not paying back-illegal parking fines. He’s been strongly suspected of having relationships with other women on more than one occasion. He’s unable and unwilling to hold down a steady job, either by termination or by willful resignation. Consequently, since he and my sister share an apartment together, she’s dependent on his half of the living expenses…which, of course, he is unable/unwilling to provide on a consistent basis. In the midst of all of this strife, 4 years ago my sister became pregnant from this individual and had a son. While everyone in our family believed that this pregnancy wasn’t for the best given the set of circumstances in which the child would be born into, we’ve managed somehow to make the best of things for the baby once he arrived. The love and care as well as financial support by my parents, along with the aid of my two other sisters and myself, have provided the baby with the support that he surely would have lacked had we abandoned my sister and her “partner”, and left them to their own devices. Heck, I shudder to think where the baby would be emotionally if it were left up to only my sister and his father. Even the birth of a son has done nothing to help stimulate any growth or maturity within my sister’s “partner”, nor stop the downward slide of my sister herself. He continues to go unemployed for long periods, contributing to their living expenses and to the welfare of his son only if and when it suits him. There are 2 times that I know of for sure where they were all threatened with eviction from their apartment, and 2 times when my sister’s car was repossessed due to lack of payment. There are also the times when their electricity was turned off – during the winter – and it was the BABY, not my sister, who had to beg this individual to help them get their electricity and heat turned back on. And then there are also the incidents when their son’s daycare was threatened to end because the father wouldn’t pay his share of the tuition. It just goes on, and on, and on…for every instance where this “individual” has refused to step up, be a man, and take care of the responsibilities that he along with my sister helped create, someone from my family has had to step in and take care of things – emotionally as well as financially. My parents have had to keep my sister and her son from being evicted numerous times - and at great financial strain on their part. They’ve dedicated themselves in making sure that the child doesn’t fall through the cracks of this situation, by providing daycare whenever and wherever needed – even at great personal sacrifice. They’re for all intents and purposes surrogate parents. And since they’re both in their 60’s now, I’m sure parenting was the last thing they expected to be doing at this point in their lives. As you can imagine they hate her boyfriend, as do I and the rest of our family. We see him for what he is – a no good bum. Incidentally, he knows that we see him for what he is, and does all that he can to stay as far away from the rest of the family as possible. He tries to keep my sister away from us as well, fearing that we’ll eventually pull her out from under his spell. And while all of this is happening, what is my sister doing to help herself and her child break away from this predicament you ask? Oh, well she’s decided to get pregnant again…with his SECOND CHILD!! Yes, his second child! Despite all of this; despite all of the heartbreak he’s caused her, despite all of our efforts to show her that she can do better, despite all of the incidents that clearly show this individual to be as irresponsible as a thirty-something year old man can possibly be, she goes ahead and does this. I can’t even begin to understand why my sister would be so selfish as to put yet another innocent child in the midst of this predicament. My family was breathing a sigh of relief that so far we’ve managed to keep her first child on the right track despite all of the challenges he faced. Now, with the first child still not quite out of the woods yet, it seems like we’re going to have to do it all over again. I’m trying to find answers to the actions of my sister. Having one child under these conditions may or may not be considered a “slip”. Having a second child under these conditions is just plain inexcusable. All of the situations with regards to her boyfriend I’ve described above still exist; nothing has changed for the better…and I’m of the belief that it never will. As bad as it sounds, I’m at the point of leaving my sister to her own devices, and letting her suffer the consequences of her actions. She’s almost a 40 year old woman so I assume she knows exactly what she’s doing. But, having said that, I don’t want the innocent children to suffer because of the irresponsibility and down-right foolishness of their parents. Any advice, words of wisdom, or insight on this situation would be most welcome by me and my family.

    Thank you.
  • Jan 31, 2009, 11:31 PM
    SaraKammeraad

    Honestly there is nothing that you can do. The only advaice that I might have is to try to gain guardianship, not custody. Talk to her about this as an option explain to her that it would elp her and her boyfriend out for the child to be in guardianship with someone else right now and that it would help them beable to get completely on there feet, use the excuse that he'll have time to look for a job without having to find someone to watch the child. I am currently in the position that your sister is in. I understnd the anger and frustration, but try to see it from her point of view, he may be trying to do right but you don't get to that all of that. That might be why she's holding on.
  • Jan 31, 2009, 11:45 PM
    asking

    Your sister is out of her mind to even consider another child with this man. He is completely exploiting her and your family. I am hoping she is not pregnant yet. Tell her that inasmuch your family are the de facto co-parents of any children she has, you strongly object. Tell her she is incapable of caring for one child, let alone two. You are not obligated to raise one child after another for this man-child. Think how many they could on having. You have enable this so far (though I understand why).

    It is typical for abusive individuals to put other people in this situation--where, to set a limit with the abuser, you must hurt a third party, often a pet, a child or a valued friend. They pit people against one another. It's painful, but the only thing you can do to break out of the cycle is to let them hurt someone else and make it clear that it is they who are doing it, not you. I really wish you would entreat your sister to reconsider, find out what her motivation is, really listen to her. See if you can't get her out of this horrible relationship. Not by coercion, but by getting her to talk about it until she understands better what she's doing to herself, to her family, to her child(ren).
  • Feb 3, 2009, 04:22 PM
    frangipanis
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by asking View Post
    Your sister is out of her mind to even consider another child with this man. He is completely exploiting her and your family. I am hoping she is not pregnant yet. Tell her that inasmuch your family are the de facto co-parents of any children she has, you strongly object. Tell her she is incapable of caring for one child, let alone two. You are not obligated to raise one child after another for this man-child. Think how many they could on having. You have enable this so far (though I understand why).

    It is typical for abusive individuals to put other people in this situation--where, to set a limit with the abuser, you must hurt a third party, often a pet, a child or a valued friend. They pit people against one another. It's painful, but the only thing you can do to break out of the cycle is to go ahead and let them hurt someone else and make it clear that it is they who are doing it, not you. I really wish you would entreat your sister to reconsider, find out what her motivation is, really listen to her. See if you can't get her out of this horrible relationship. Not by coercion, but by getting her to talk about it until she understands better what she's doing to herself, to her family, to her child(ren).

    Insightful answer.

    Your family is being emotionally blackmailed by your sister and her husband. Having another child keeps you all on a hook and the money rolling in. You may have to tell her that you are willing to cut ties with her, including financial support, if she knowingly makes a reckless decision that your entire family is going to pay for.

    You might want to speak with a lawyer to ask what rights your family might have in terms of access to her child in case there is a complete breakdown in communication with your sister, and ways you might be able to protect him if at any time you believe he could be at risk of being seriously neglected by her and her husband.
  • Feb 5, 2009, 08:51 AM
    Ren6
    Frangipanis is so right. Your sister reminds me of my niece, only older. At the end of the day, you can't control what your sister does. She's making one awful choice after another, and you and your family are cleaning up after her.

    Let them fall. Cut off all financial help. You're helping her alcoholic partner to keep up his lifestyle. He has zero reasons to stop drinking if he can live in comfort at your expense! Also, I would take up Frangipani's suggestion of seeking guardianship of the baby (babies?) should anything happen. Family stuff is hard, but the more you finance their lifestyle, the less they have reason to behave responsibly.

    Take care...
  • Feb 6, 2009, 02:47 PM
    twinkiedooter

    It seems that your family is more interested in the welfare and wellbeing of the sister's child than she is.

    If she's been with this loser for 10 years, she could have left a long time ago. Sometimes women LIKE to play mama to losers. Ever think of that angle? Sometimes the more intelligent the woman is, the more they just have to play mama to a loser like that guy so they can feel worthy to themselves for helping someone.

    What would happen if no one in your family came by and cleaned up after her financially? Well, I guess she'd just have to figure out something wouldn't she? Also, if she hasn't gotten married to this guy in 10 years, I don't forsee her ever getting married to him. He's got better than have his cake and eat it too, he's got the whole family catering to him! Great! He's quite a conniver to be sure.

    Her having another baby at age 36 is about the dumbest thing she can do right now. I would suggest abortion but I know a lot of people would start yelling at me here about that topic, so I won't mention that avenue.

    Basically the old saying of You've made your bed, now lay down in it, is most appropriate here. If there is no electric, a place to live, food, day care, etc. What is she going to do? She just might, might grow up! Yep. Grow up with a capital G. So far the family has happily helped her in her chosen life style. They have aided and abetted her lifestyle with cash and their time. What has she given back in return? You never mentioned her giving anything back. She probably doesn't even say thank you (I'll bet). And her boyfriend probably complains that the family doesn't give enough cash, time, etc. (I'll bet).

    It sounds like those two people need to grow up and face reality. It's either now or sometime in the future. Which will it be for them? May I suggest that you call a family meeting and have everyone put their two cents into the pot and figure out just what the family is going to do about her and her boyfriend and the unfortunate children. And then stick to the decision. All of you. Sometimes tough love is the best and only way to deal with people like them.

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