When I was 16, and still a virgin, my then boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend who was not a virgin. My friend lost her virginity when she was 9 years old. After I found out they had sex, I broke up with my boyfriend and immediately ended the relationship with my friend as well. That was 20 years ago.

The problem is my old friend has not and will not stop trying to make contact with me. Her most recent contact has been through Classmates.com. I have told her very politely via Classmates, and through mutual friends, that I do not desire a relationship of any kind with her, and that I would like her to stop messaging me. The content of her last letter said she just wanted to be friends and that she missed my friendship, however, we live in different states and we haven't had any kind of friendship since we were teens. I am not desperate, and I have plenty of DECENT friends where I live. Personally I don’t think SHE could ever change enough to warrant a second chance in my life.

My question is do any of you think, or believe, that it is possible for people to change? Some of our mutual friends say she has changed, but a leper doesn’t change his spots. Therefore, I believe there is always the possibility that she is still the same ugly person she was 20 years ago. Do any of you think I am being unfair by refusing contact with her? I have tried politely to tell her to refrain from contact, and since she has not, do any of you think I should report her to Classmates?

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Yes, people can change. At that age, there are so many things going on in your life and so many new life experiences that moral/unmoral, right/wrong, ethical/unethical, none of it is really clicking. By no means am I the same person I was at age 16, as compared to now.

I am not trying to make excuses for her, but I am sure she regrets this, and mistakes happen. There is a difference between making a huge mistake, and purposely trying to hurt someone you love, as I doubt that was her intention. Life is too short to hold grudges, especially at that age.

Thank you for your reply.

I totally understand what you are saying. I by no means am the same person I was at age 16 either. However, when it comes down to values, “core values,” mine have not changed an iota since I was 16. As a matter of fact, I knew the difference between moral/unmoral, right/wrong, ethical/unethical when I was 10.

I would need a really good reason to even consider a new relationship with her, as I said I am not desperate for friends... but she obviously is. Mistakes do happen every day, but please know that what she did was no mistake… it was absolutely her intention to hurt me all along. I'm sorry that I couldn't go into all the details, but if she told me today that she wanted to be friends again and the only reason she could give me as to what happened, is that she made a mistake… I wouldn't even consider letting her back into my life. I need a better reason than that.

Well, now that the details are clear, then I most likely wouldn't want to have anything to do with her either... good riddance!

I am a believer in character, and that doesn't really change over time. So, it is up to you, and I wish you luck.

20 years is a long time, perhaps hear her out and see what she has to say about the situation then make your decision. Some people are completely different at 16 than they are at 36, I know I am different than I was when I was 16 and I'm 22. Heck, from last year I had told myself I would never date someone with kids, I'm engaged to a beautiful lady with 2 kids from another marriage. People are constantly changing, as well as their morals.

I agree that morals can change, but your “values” almost always stay the same. She apparently did not “value” our friendship back then, and to me, values are inherent. You either value the relationships in your life or you don't.

Have you ever heard the saying, "screw me once shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me?" Well, I guess I just don't want my life to become an adage. I've been happily married for 10 years, and I have a really good looking, successful husband... and I would like to keep it this way. With that said, I guess I am just not willing to take the chance that she hasn't changed.

This doesn't feel like a grudge either, it's more like a feeling of uneasiness. I can't really seem to explain the feeling with just one word.

My take on this is somewhat different. Here is a person who was sexually active at nine and I ask myself why? I have to think she was promiscuous because of some type of abuse or some type of really gross neglect.

Next, I ask myself why this person is not moving on? The only answer could be she is mentally not very well equipped. As far as her integrity goes, I bet that has changes A lot. As far as core moral values, I bet she struggles everyday with what is right and wrong desparatly trying to make the right choice.

If she were a bad person, she would be taking it out on you, but she is reaching out to you. Would you two agree? Probably not. Should you accept the olive branch? I migh but I would be very guarded. Should she be pitied? Yes. She is a deeply hurt and damaged person.

Not to be rude or strike out, but if I were you, I might look in the mirror and question my own core values if forgiveness is not in them. Now I am not saying you should be her best friend. But I would be kind to her and acknowledge her efforts in this endeavor.

Well to begin with, Classmates.com is a proven scam, so cancel your account right away. Plus, if you do so she'll leave you alone; two birds one stone. Use a free service like Facebook.com.

Yeah 20 years is a long time and she probably did change. Give her a chance and see what she has to say, what do you have to lose? You must at least be curious to see what she's like.

I was in this Same situation. I cut both people from my life and never looked back. If they couldn't respect you enough to be loyal way back then, then they have no right to want to be in your life now.

It does not matter what we think, this is a condition of your fear of your ex friends betrayl, and your difficulty decideing weather or not it is right or wrong to push her away.

Question, if she lost her virginity at the age of 9, how did it happen? I susspect foul play in there some where in her up bringing. Perhaps you can find out later, or simply accept that that too is a possibility, and so her idea of being with some one is warped, and now may be better, or corrected.

"There are no rights or wrongs, only possibilities." - Me HAha, yes, I do think what she did was wrong, but why'd she do it, and more importantly does she even know? Just because you think something is wrong doesn't mean others doo.

For example, Some where in Africa I believe, women get cuts on their bodies to show maturity, and women hood. Here in North america, we frown upon that. So who is right, who is wrong. I'll tell you who, "No bodies right if every bodies wrong." -Buffalo springfield, for what it's worth.

You have to decide is it going to really damage you that much to talk to her on line. Maybe you'll find closure, or anger, or fear. Who can tell? Not me. Best to keep to your own cousel on this one sista.

Peace be with you.

Those of you who picked up on the fact that something must have happened in her childhood which caused her to behave that way are 100% correct. She and her siblings were severely neglected. My friends and I felt sorry for her initially, but after a while it started to become clear that she enjoyed negative attention. She refused to attend school and dropped out when she was 14, she never knew her father, and her mother was a known prostitute.

As a result, I was able to forgive her, and I did so 20 years ago. However forgiveness is a moot subject at this point in time. My main question really was not about forgiveness, or letting this woman back into my life, but rather how do I get this woman to let go? How do I get rid of her once and for all? I have tried being polite, but I am wondering whether it is time to go a different route. Frankly, enough is enough with the stalking. As I said, I am not desperate for friends and I have already informed this woman to refrain from contact. She is acting like a jilted lover. I was simply questioning what others thought about how I go about ending this once and for all.

When being polite isn't working, sometimes you just have to be blunt and precise. "Look, I appreciate your concern with my life, but I have no, nor will I ever have, any desire to talk to you again. Leave me alone. "

Carry on... :cool:

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Originally Posted by sw38sp

I was simply questioning what others thought about how I go about ending this once and for all.

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Then tell her to f**ck-off, and if you need to, involve the cops... it's common sense, use your head.

I don't see why you needed anyone's opinion on this.

I have to say that I feel sorry for her still today. Of course with those sorts of issues she was acting out for negative attention, she was still a child and attention is attention for a child. If they can only get the attention by acting negatively they will behave that way.

There is no doubt that you appear to be someone that she admired and respected in a life that was filled with disappointment. I am sure she continues to reach out because you were her lifeline and she knows what she did to hurt you. Making amends or hearing that you have forgiven her would probably mean the world to her.

Who knows if she has changed her ways, as she apparently had no moral compass to guide her and parents that were not directing her in a positive manner either.

Your intentions are your intentions and you have a right to them. Express to her that you have let the past go but that the friendship she is seeking is not something that you wish to offer her. Send the email and let it go. Find out if there is a way to block certain people from your emailing your account and let it go.

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Originally Posted by sw38sp

Those of you who picked up on the fact that something must have happened in her childhood which caused her to behave that way are 100% correct. She and her siblings were severely neglected. My friends and I felt sorry for her initially, but after a while it started to become clear that she enjoyed negative attention. She refused to attend school and dropped out when she was 14, she never knew her father, and her mother was a known prostitute.

As a result, I was able to forgive her, and I did so 20 years ago. However forgiveness is a moot subject at this point in time. My main question really was not about forgiveness, or letting this woman back into my life, but rather how do I get this woman to let go? How do I get rid of her once and for all? I have tried being polite, but I am wondering whether it is time to go a different route. Frankly, enough is enough with the stalking. As I said, I am not desperate for friends and I have already informed this woman to refrain from contact. She is acting like a jilted lover. I was simply questioning what others thought about how I go about ending this once and for all.

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Ah, yes, understandable. There is little if anything you can do to help her let go. I imagine she is rather desperate and lost. Her need for negative attention is like a dog that comes for a "treat" but gets hit by the owner instead. Most dogs might run away or attack the owner, but if the owner issolates the puppy at a an early age, then the dog will accept the hitting and abuse. It may cower and hid but it will still be there, hoping for something good.

See, she was neglected, so the only real attention she probably got was bad. And people need to feel significant, even if it means suffering for it. That's why some women will stay with abusive partners. Sad eh? Now that is just what I gather from various psychological readings, and expierences. I'm not a Dr. or Psychologist/ Psychiatrist, so don't hold me up to that.

Try being ploite, in a more up front manner. Let them know you don't want to be their friend, because what ever reason you feel fits. Then tell them Good bye and to take care of themselves.

Or not, just and idea.

Peace and kindness be with you.

20 years is a very long time, yes.

Are you over it, no.

I know it may not plague your existence like it did at one time, but what is the point in holding all of this obvious anger with you. It's baggage so drop it, it only weighs us down.

So advice, I would say talk to her. Have it out. Roar, shout and scream or politely tell her your side. Get it out of your system. You say you have enough decent friends, well I'm sure you do but it's not like musical chairs if one's in another's not out! Maybe she will be the horrible person you think she is or maybe she'll be able to bring something to your life. You never know.

I definitely think people can change. Not their core values once they're established and you believe you are good enough to live to these standards. But maybe at 16 she wasn't as lucky to have her head screwed on as tight as you. Maybe it took her a while to reach what you had then. Any way you look at it, she saw something in you at 16 that has made her want to try for this long. Maybe it was the courage to stand up for what you believe in, or the wisdom to know the difference between right and wrong. Maybe she wants to show you, she got a little bit of that a long time later.

If you can't talk to her, write her a short note letting her know you forgive her so she can forgive herself and move on. Then tell her that you don't want any further contact.

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Originally Posted by Nestorian

"an eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind, so who's to draw the line?"- unknown though i can see your point Slap, I can see hers too.

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My original post was answered her question "can people really change?", and in my experience they do. But, it turns out she has no desire to mend anything with the other woman and just wants advice on how to keep her away, which, like I said, is common sense. I think it's a life skill to tell someone to f-off when need be.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

My original post was answered her question "can people really change?", and in my experience they do. But, it turns out she has no desire to mend anything with the other woman and just wants advice on how to keep her away, which, like I said, is common sense. I think it's a life skill to tell someone to f-off when need be.

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Perhaps... I wasn't disagreeing with you, I was agreeing by giving a word of caution when using such tactics.

Peace be with you.

I agree that people do change a great deal in that amount of time. Although as your saying I also believe that I have the same core values now that I did when I was 16. The only difference is that I made a lot more mistakes when I was 16 than I do now. Due to life experience. I personally wouldn't give her the time of day, but that's just me.

Ignore her until she get the hint.