Yesterday, I had my 14 year old terrier mix put to sleep. It was the hardest decision of my life. She fought a brave fight, but she stopped eating and -- over the last few weeks -- would vomit anything she ate. In the last week, she couldn't even keep water down for more than three hours.

At age 14, I didn't do endless tests, but thought loving support at home would help her snap out of it. Blood tests in December showed nothing out of the ordinary.I even built a ramp so she could have the dignity of going outside. She was getting weaker and weaker, yet I thought a miracle would happen.

She was 55 pounds in July. When I took her to the vet yesterday, she was only 35 pounds, down from 46 pounds in mid-December. The vet did a few x-rays hoping to find an obvious reason for Pepper's problem. Nothing was definative, but the vet told me she would not get any better. His recommendation was to put her to sleep. (Another vet concurred a few days earlier.) It was so hard since that morning, she had tried to run after a squirrel when we went out. She even wagged her tail slowly when coming back from the short "chase." But she came in and could not go any farther from the back door than about 3 feet before lying down. She had just drank a few licks of water, but vomited about 10 minutes later.

I cradled her in my arms as she was put to death. I am so sad and am not sure if I did the right thing since she didn't seem to be hurting. In the last few days she would tremble, even when covered with a little blanket, so I know she wasn't cold.

I am so conflicted about what I did. After 14 years of faithful companionship, I feel like I killed her before doing anything more for her. Yet, my research into what could be wrong was renal failure (although blood tests in December showed nothing in the way of kidney problems.)

I guess I am seeking advice on
1) Was there anything else I could do to help my little friend?
2) What could have likely been the problem?
3) Did I do what was right before my dog deteriorated any further. I feel such guilt and anguish and cannot seem to focus on anything but second guessing myself.

Thanks to anyone who can offer helpful thoughts as I wrestle with this guilt.

Can anyone please shed some light on this matter?

You did what you thought was the right thing to do - only you knew your dog well enough to know this is what you had to do.
Do not feel guilty - you stopped him suffering and this is what any responsible loving pet owner should have done.

Thinking of you x

Do not feel guilt over this, never!

We as human beings have the compassion, the caring and the love not to put our fur babies through the pain of dying. Imagine if we could do the same for humans?

Your sweet girl was ready to go, she would have suffered, had no quality of life, you did the very best for her and if she could, she'd thank you.

This is the hardest thing we have to do, but it's in our hands and when it's done out of love then it's never the wrong decision.

She's in a better place, one where she can chase all the squirrels she wants and never get tired. I truly believe that.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Don't feel guilty for giving her the best gift of all, peace. She knew she was loved, and she wouldn't want you to be sad. I'm sure if her soul could speak to you she would tell you that herself. She had a good long life, and you did the best thing for her.

Your Pets In Heaven

To have loved and then said farewell, is better than to have never loved at all.
For all of the times that you have stooped and touched my head, fed me my favorite treat and returned the love that I so unconditionally gave to you.
For the care that you gave to me so unselfishly.
For all of these things I am grateful and thankful.

I ask that you not grieve for the loss, but rejoice in the fact that we lived, loved and touched each others lives. My life was fuller because you were there, not as a master/owner, but as my FRIEND.

Today I am as I was in my youth. The grass is always green, butterflies flit among the flowers and the Sun shines gently down upon all of God's creatures.
I can run, jump, play and do all of the things that I did in my youth. There is no sickness, no aching joints and no regrets and no aging.

We await the arrival of our lifelong companions and know that togetherness is forever.
You live in our hearts as we do in yours. Companions such as you are so rare and unique.
Don't hold the love that you have within yourself. Give it to another like me and then I will live forever. For love never really dies, and you are loved and missed as surely as we are.

Thank you for your kind words. I am so distraught at making the wrong decision. I am thinking I would have regretted bringing her home to die slowly just as much. There is no win-win here. Perhaps its just that I am so sad from her absence that I cannot find the source of this overwhelming feeling I have of loss... of wondering if I could have or should have done even more. These comments are helpful, although I really would like a few pros to weigh in and give me their guess at what was wrong with her, although I know I will never really know for sure.

If I brought her home, she would have been so pitiful and my wife would have been impacted the most since I work outside of the home and she is the one left here to clean up after our dog and would be the one left outside in 10-degree cold to help Pepper outside and keep her from lying in the snow when her back legs give out (as they often would do).

I have never felt this overwhelming sadness since 27 years ago when the doctors told me of my daughter's lifelong disability a few hours after her birth. I am not one to be like this and am usually a tough guy. (night club bouncer/Special Forces training/protector) Of late I have become a babbling baby whose tears cannot stop flowing.

In my search for peace, which will take so long to find, I have penned this phrase: "Do not hold back the flood of tears for a friend too soon gone. A tear is a drop of love."

If that's true, then I surely loved Pepper.

Thanks again for all your kind thoughts.

I am so very very sorry for your loss of your dear Pepper. It's a horrible thing to have to go through isn't it. I can't even begin to guess what may have been wrong with her. I'm sorry, I know you are looking for answers to ease your mind, and to reassure you that you did the right thing. One never knows, and second guesses having made that decision.

But one thing I am sure of, is that Pepper obviously had a wonderful life with the people she loved so dearly, and you were there with her right to the very end. You can take some solice in that. She had a good life, and you did what your head knew you needed to do for her. Your heart on the other hand, just isn't catching up to your head yet.

I know it may sound a bit cliché, but she is in a better place. She can once again romp through the fields like she did when she was a pup. She can give that squirrel a good run for his money. She doesn't have to see mommy and daddy's sad faces while they are trying so hard to help her. She knew you were. She didn't want you to be sad. She wants you to be happy like you were when things were good. She remembers everything you did for her. She remember riding in the truck, getting up in the morning and wagging her tail to say good morning. She knows all those things. She doesn't want you to feel guilty for trying to make the best decision for her. She knows you only did what you had to do for her. It was ALL for her, and she knew that!

So please don't second guess yourself, or feel guilty. You only did what you knew to do, and it was probably for the best. The quality of her life was not what it was, but the quantity of it was the time she spent with you.

I loved your phrase, and it is so very true. Don't ever be afraid, or feel like you are a baby because the tearing are pouring out because you've lost someone so special to you. They are our fur babes, and they brighten our lives more than we can ever thank them for!

God Bless!

"I'M STILL HERE"

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep
I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here"
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you as you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired, as you sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew..
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
And say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand side by side,
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see
Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.

(Author Unknown)

Thank you Starbuck8 for the beautiful poem. Thanks to all of you as I wrestle with so many emotions... so many doubts. The sadness is overwhelming.

Dean, I'm going to tell you a story.

When I was 11 years old I got the one thing I had wished for forever, a puppy. He was a silver poodle and yes, we named him "Silver".

Silver was my sidekick, my buddy, my best friend. As the years flew by I became a teen, started going out with friends, would get home later and later, but Silver was always there waiting for me.

Then I got married, moved into my own house, got a dog of my very own and Silver stayed with my parents. I would have taken him with me but by the time I moved out he was blind and deaf, he knew my parents home, how to navigate it, to uproot him would have been unkind.

I became pregnant and I was so excited, but Silver had been going downhill for a long time. His eyes had actually liquified and drained from his eyesockets, he couldn't walk very well, he only had one tooth left but he hung on, day after day.

When I was 6 months pregnant my mom called and said that they had decided to put Silver to sleep, I cried so hard, how could they? When I went to their house I saw, for the first time, how depleted he was, how he was just a shell of the dog he used to be, he was 18 years old and living in pain every day. I agreed that they had made the right decision.

My mom held Silver while they injected him, he died in her arms, I couldn't do it, I just couldn't.

My only regret to this day is that we let him suffer for so long. Why? He had no hope of getting better, no hope of recovery, no hope of a pain free happy existence. Did we fail him?

Why am I telling you this? Well, you made that difficult decision, because you love Pepper, didn't want to see her suffer, to live in agony because she knew that you needed her. That's why they hang on so long, because they don't want to hurt us. But, you did the brave thing, the hardest thing, you gave her peace and you stood by her side until the end.

Not many people are that loyal to the most loyal creatures in our lives.

You won't ever forget Pepper, you're not meant to, but one day, one day soon, you'll think of her and smile instead of cry. I promise you that.

I wish I could tell you what was wrong with her, but I'm sure it was just a mixture of old age, arthritis, possibly a stroke. Knowing the cause doesn't ease the pain, and really, there was nothing you could do but what you did.

Let yourself cry, but also let yourself smile, that's what Pepper would want, right? :)

Thanks Altenweg for the heartfelt response. I believe I am beginning to accept the matter. Still sad and second guessing... still wondering why I didn't see the condition earlier. By the time she stopped taking her favorite treats, the matter was too late. By then she had started to lose weight. We just thought it was age and she was just being very selective... we did take her to the doctor after a few weeks of her not eating. Then he asked if she was vomiting. At that time, she only had diarrhea, but always could wait to get outside. A week later, she began the vomiting, so much so that eventuall, she couldn't even keep water down.

Nevertheless, I have begun to emerge from the overwhelming sadness and guilt. I can somewhat maintain my emotions. Going to work today was helpful. I had a few moments of emotion, but I was controlled more so than this weekend. Face it, I was a basket case.

Having great co-workers helped. Having fantastic friends whom I have never met here on these type of forums has helped too.

Thanks to you and each response. You folks will never know how just communicating here has helped me.

As a professional writer, I hope to set into words my emotions and thoughts so that others can be better prepared when they must face the issue of helping their little friend into heaven

I got to run for now, but hope to return later in the week.

THANKS AGAIN SO MUCH TO EVERYONE!

Sorry for what you're going through but allways remember that wagging tail the love you received and NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER think you did the wrong thing just think how great it would be if us humans could have it so when we are suffering someone could do us the favor of stopping the suffering its better to stop the pain and not be greedy (I know about the greedy thing because sorry to say but I was greedy at one time with my blonde lab OZZY GOD I MISS HIM)but remember your pet allways loved you SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS

It is said that time heals all pain. After 17 days, time has not done its job. I have grown to accept the situation, but have difficult moments, as each of us in the forum experiences. I have found some peace in carrying with me the glass Touchstone into which some of Pepper's ashes have been hand blown. When I picked up the keepsake with the ashes of my Little Friend, my wife and I decided to place her ashes into a manufactured rock that can be kept outside, where Pepper loved to roam. It meant not bringing her home for another week as the engraving is completed, but we felt it would be a better tribute to Pepper than in just tossing her ashes along the fence where she chased squirrels. As we age and move from this home, Pepper will come with us.

I still see her everywhere. I hear her. I feel her loving licks and can feel her neck as I hug her. Each time I walk into the bedroom, I cannot help but walk to the bedside and reach down to gently touch the place she always laid. There is a small tear in the bedspread where she apparently got her collar caught a few months ago. I can't help but touch it and smile. And, yes, I still feel a tear drop onto her spot as I remember the great dog that was such a friend.

I want to say thanks to each person who has replied to my posts... and to each who has read the journal of my thoughts. I will visit here daily. While I will not reply to every post, I will quietly share in the sorrow each has experienced. And I will remember how it feels to say good-bye to a beautiful friend in her final moments. For those researching this forum before making the decision, my thoughts and prayers will be with you. No matter what you decide to do in the end, you will likely question yourself as to whether it was the right move. There is no clear choice in my opinion. Just lingering doubt about the path chosen.

For me, the experience of holding my beloved Pepper as she was helped to her eternal peace was the second most difficult day of my life. (It was surpassed only by the day of my daughter's birth when I was told of her serious, lifelong handicapping condition. That was 27 years ago.)

I will forever know the pain and torment that remain after making a difficult decision to end the suffering of my beautiful, loving dog. I still am not convinced I did the right thing... but making her suffer would not have been right either. Just when WOULD be the right time? And after 17 days, she likely would be in much pain, if not already gone while enduring without food or water for so long. And with thunderstorms predicted for today, I could not even imagine how scared she would have been, all while being so very sick in her final days if still here. She was so terrified of thunder.

If we get the thunderstorms as predicted, I can take comfort in knowing she is no longer afraid. I will feel her brush against my legs as she seeks shelter under my desk... and will smile as my heart breaks.

May peace be with each of us and with the outcomes of the decisions we must make.

Sincerely,
Dean

"Do not hold back the flood of tears for a friend too soon gone. Each tear is a drop of love."

Hello deano2222,
I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through... I am hoping however that you will be able to give me some advice! I had to put my 16 y/o daschund to sleep on Sunday.. It has been 4 days, but the minute I get home from work, I completely break down! I have not been able to put away her things, her toys, food and water bowls, treats... I know deep down that she wasn't "herself" anymore.. She was irritable, blind, had arthritis spent most of her day just sleeping... On Sunday morning though, she either had a stroke or something bad happened to her left hind leg... I will never forget the "scream" she had and then seeing her trying to drag herself back into the bedroom by scooting her rear.. Her left arm was weak and kept giving out... I knew the time was coming, but I still wasn't ready, but I had no choice... She had chronic liver problems and her vet felt anesthesia for surgery wasn't worth the risk... I know deep down that I did the right thing, but I still find myself struggling with the question of "did I give up on her too soon, did I do enough, does she know how much I love her and does she know I did this out of love". This was the hardest decision I have ever made and I could've never imagined a sadness like this... I think about her all the time... Nights are the worse... I still haven't been able to sleep through the night... Does it get easier? If so, when? I feel so empty..

Dena,

I am so sad for your loss. It's been nearly three weeks since I had to give Pepper the peace she needed and I still miss her so much. In many ways, I wish she had an episode like your little baby had so I could be more confident that I did right, but she seemed so normal in the final hour before I had the doctor give her eternal rest. I am fairly sure he was right in his direction and that she was not going to get any better... that her quality of life was rapidly declining and that her body was shutting down. But I feel so guilty about it all.

I wish I could tell you the sadness will go away, but -- at least for me -- it hasn't. I have begun to accept it, but feel incredible guilt that I should have done more... or at least brought her home for a few more days. Each night I lay in bed thinking about her and whether I did the right thing at the right time.

Some of the advice I have received here has been of great help. Yes, what I did -- and what you did -- was out of love, but I just hope that Pepper didn't think I just gave up on her and put her out of MY misery. THAT wasn't the case for either of us. What we did was surely out of the endless love we had and our desire not to let our friend suffer. I am beginning to focus on the good times and remember the happier days... one day -- soon hopefull -- you will too.

I too see her everywhere, hear her, feel her brush against me. At work at my desk I have a poster of her with a beautiful picture of her paw prints in freshly fallen snow taken a few days before I took her to the vet for the last time. It isn't really easier, but I can at least control my emotions a bit more... and I can smile with my memories of her in better times rather than focus on the final few days that bring a flood of tears to me.

Based on what you have said, I believe you did the right thing. It sounds like your little Furbaby was very very sick. And with the obvious pain she displayed, she was needing relief... and you provided her that final gift.

I am sure you will never forget her or the pain you now are experiencing. The sadness is evidence of your incredible love. If you did NOT feel that sadness, then it would not be a good sign of who you are... or who I am with my sadness. So then, I believe sadness is a good sign that our love was real... that it was pure... and it was forever.

I am so sad for you and your torment. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers... and the thoughts and prayers of the many good people who read these posts, but cannot reply with the right words. I hope that will help you in this difficult time. Your little baby would want you to be strong and honor her with the memories of the great times you had with her. Wow, 16 years. What a great 16 years it must have been!

Peace be with you my new friend! And peace be with your Little Friend too.

Dean

Hi Deano and Dena, and everyone else that is still grieving the loss of their sweet family member.

Can I make a suggestion? I know how much you loved your dogs, just as I do mine. Perhaps it would help with you grief, if you would get involved in helping in some way with other dogs.

Maybe you could start a memorial in your dogs name, and use any donations to help other dogs in need of care.

What I have done in my local area, is simply start a group on Facebook with a friend. We've asked for donations, no matter how big or small. We've started asking for ONE DOLLAR from anyone that cared to give. We are helping people in our small area get their pets spayed or neutered, and are talking about expanding it to raise funds for sick dogs and cats, who's owners just can't afford the vet bills.

Right now this is still a very small group, that is actually connected to another group... a little hard to explain... but we have raised enough money in a few months, to get 10 dogs, and 6 cats altered. I know that doesn't sound huge, but if you do the numbers, it sure adds up when you think of all of the pets that may have had litters.

I'm not good at math. But, if all were bred even once, and then their puppies and kitties were bred, and so on down the line, that one dog or cat that wasn't altered, turns into hundreds of thousands. Which is why there are a million dogs (just dogs) are euthanized every single year, in just the U.S. alone!

So my point is, wouldn't it be a great "tribute" and loving memory to Pepper, and to your dog Dena, (if I missed her name I'm very sorry) if you could do something similar and special in their names to honour them?

It may not take away the pain, but you will know the they were here with you for a reason, and I'm sure if you could ask them, they would lovingly approve.

Once again, my sincere condolences. I've been through this, and know how horribly hard it is.

My baby was 16 years old, when she started struggling to breathe. A year before she got ill and I ran her through ALL the test you can think of. That time she had eaten a piece of hanger which had been caught in her system. Her recovery was just AWFUL.. I wouldn't have put her through another surgery.

I held my baby when they put her to sleep, and I felt the same guilt as you... she was still acting like a puppy in so many ways, but she simply was struggling to breathe.

You did what you had to.. don't beat yourself up.. it only we could have the dignity to NOT suffer