I asked my friend this question once, but I would like to see other people's opinion.

A lot of times I see guys buying flowers, dinner, and a movie ticket for him and his date. It seems like he's doing most of the work in the relationship; paying for everything. Occasionally the girl helps out and pays for the dinner and the movie tickets. Other times, maybe the girl just pays for herself.

My question is:
1) What do guys get in return? (If you're not a girl who pays half of the time by either paying for just yourself or both of you guys every other date).

Somehow, my friend answered "the girl, nothing more, nothing less." She basically said that the girl doesn't have to do anything and the guy should just be satisfied like that.

Hi, teastalk!

I think that relationships on an intimate level take a lot of work on the part of both the man and the woman. Things are not the way that they used to be a long time ago...

Perhaps two people really love each other and want a relationship to continue to flourish. However, in order to do that both the man and woman need to maintain an open communication with each other as to wants, needs and what they are willing to do to maintain the relationship.

One of those matters would be concerning money.

Until women were able to work to make a gainful wage for themselves, it made sense for the man to pay for things. However, with both men and women working now, that's not necessarily the case.

If a couple wants to have some fun together that might cost some money, then they need to mutually decide who is going to pay for it. One of them might be making a lot more money than the other one. One of them might decide that paying for the particular time together is some sort of gift.

If it's feasible, logical, agreeable and reasonable, then it's okay.

It's nice to keep up doing some of the traditions of the past concerning dating. However, we do need to live with the realities of the way that things are now.

If both people only contribute 50% in maintaining a relationship, then that can be construed to be going half-way. I think that both persons need to be contributing 100% in order to make a relationship work.

It's not so much important as what a person "gets" as what they are willing to "give". By giving, a person will, in most cases be blessed with receiving something that they will be able to value that might not be something that is tangible at all. But, might be more important in the long-term scheme of things.

Keeping up the traditions of the past is one thing, but living with the realities of the present, is another thing altogether.

I know that I didn't directly answer your question. However, I felt that something deeper might be needed here.

Just my thoughts...

Thanks!

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What do guys get out of a relationship?

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Good company, and conversation, and someone who is fun to be with, and share a great time with.

Not all guys have to pay for everything, Look up the 'five love languages' on the net. Most people tend to offer others what the desire the most themselves. Gifts, affection, affermation, etc.

Clough - that's really good! I think you got to the heart of the matter that I was trying to discuss, but failed to write down explicitly.

My money example was just a small piece of the picture.

I really wanted to know what guys desire in a relationship and I think Big T hit the mark on it.

When the woman is bearing children, you'll see how much work she does.

To be blunt, courtship is a period when a man proves himself able to feed a family. I tend to alternate buying dinner when I date, or pay for half, but the fact is that most women still make less money than most men, and there is certainly an argument for the man doing more than half of the buying. This is especially true if he is pushing for more expensive activities than the woman could afford by herself.

In nature, females assess the quality of a mate according to his health and--if he helps raise the babies--his ability to provide and protect. Females choose the best quality mate they can find. When you are courting a woman, you are proving your ability to provide for her and offspring when she is limited by pregnancy and lactation. I know that doesn't sound very romantic, but that's what it comes down to. If you want kids in the future, that's the deal. If she works at a paying job, then the guy needs to help keep house and raise the kids more than he would otherwise. If not, something will break down, often the marriage.

Whooooaaa. I read some answers before reading your friends answer that you posted on your thread. I'm a female and although I haven't been on a date in some time, when I have gone, I always at least offered to pay half. Sometimes before the date I'll even try to make it a point to agree to go dutch. My experience? The man gets offended. Very offended. This is only in my experience. I just don't agree that the guy should do everything and just be satisfied that he "gets the girl". Maybe I'm reading too much into it? Some men (and women) still go by the old book and some don't. Like Clough says, things definitely are not the same as they were many moons ago. Also, and I may be called a prude or something of the sort but I don't give anything in return if my dinner is paid in full. The only thing the man gets is a kiss on the cheek goodnight and take it from there afterwards. I guess I'm still old fashioned in that respect. I'm not saying a woman is a hussy if she chooses to have relations on a first date. I just couldn't and wouldn't. If I went off track or misconstrued anything Teas, my apologies and good luck with the ladies!

In my experience, when I have offered to pay the tab on a date, or even go dutch, the man has gotten very offended! What he gets in return is respect, if his motives are worthy of it!

I'm sorry, but many men will assume that since they've picked up the tab for the night, that the girl owes him something comparable to the tally of the tab. These are usually the men that absolutely "insist" on paying because they feel it's their "duty!" Some do it out of respect and chivalry, and taking their place as the provider, but some men these days do it in order to get a little "somethin somethin." Although, the old school ways probably weren't that different. It was just expected to be the provider.

But truth be told, I much prefer the old school ways. Not because I wouldn't want to pay, but because of the concept of chivalry, which seems to have died, in this day in time.

Call me old, but when I ask a female out, I pay. ( even for the babysitter ) Hanging out as friends is a bit different, but a date is from the heart, for a good time, and nothing else is expected. Not even a good night kiss.

I'm not very traditional, lol, and I like casual hangouts much more then to go on 'proper' dates, and as for costs when it comes to hanging out its not that visible, because I might bring a movie, the guy makes dinner, or I bring food, and he has the whatever... I think I've been on two dates, with this guy before the holidays and for him it seemed quite natural to just pick up the check, and for me it was quite natural to pay for myself :P LOL I let him pay though because I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to offend him.

as for what a guy gets out of it, well I think they get a lot of the same things as gals do, companionship's, fun, good times...

ASking: I really love your post, so good! I was just visiting my grandma like an hour a go, and she was telling me about her marriage to my grandpa and I told her that I would prob look for a whole other type of guy... like I'm in college and I'd prob end up as a more current/modern Norwegian woman who works and stuff... and some of the qualities I look for in a guy is someone who can take care of themselves and when I think of my x bfs and the guy I'm seeing now that's exactly the type of guys they are, they can cook their own meals, and they take care of themselves,

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Originally Posted by roxypox

some of the qualities I look for in a guy is someone who can take care of themselves and when I think of my x bfs and the guy I'm seeing now thats exactly the type of guys they are, they can cook their own meals, and they take care of themselves,

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Thanks for the praise, Roxypox! I think you are right to hold out for a guy who can take care of himself. I tell my two teenage sons, you need to know how to keep house and cook. Otherwise, you end up getting married just to have someone take care of you, and the educated, independent women are less likely to want to marry you. I have a friend whose kids are older and she made her two boys and girl all learn how to take care of themselves. It cuts both ways too. In the old days, lots of women couldn't operate out in the world--get a good job, take care of finances, take care of a car.

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Originally Posted by teastalk

Somehow, my friend answered "the girl, nothing more, nothing less." She basically said that the girl doesn't have to do anything and the guy should just be satisfied like that.

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Your friend is correct. He gets the opportunity to spend time with her and court her. If he wants to reproduce, he needs to persuade a woman that he is a good mate. In biological terms, he wants to "monopolize her reproductive potential."

That said, a lot of traditions are based on women not having any income of their own.

I haven't thought this through, but just off the top of my head, here's how I see it.

If both people are pretty poor, then they both need to keep things simple. I personally don't think the guy should have to pretend he's wealthy and go into debt to make an impression. That said, he should be putting himself out in some way. Maybe helping her with something--IF she accepts the offer. Guys shouldn't do things without asking for someone they just met.

If the guy is making decent money and she isn't, I think he should pay more.

If they are both making good money, then it's silly to do this charade of pretending he has money and she doesn't. If a guy gets offended when a woman who is not actually poor tries to pay for dinner, I personally think that's a bad sign. He either thinks he's paying for some service or he will be threatened by a woman who can actually earn a reasonable income. (If she's actually poor and he wants her to feel taken care of, he can insist, but it should not be from a position of being "offended.") If they are both good earners (and I don't mean rich), the biological onus is still on him to demonstrate that he's a good mate. In that case, he needs to show that he's helpful and capable of being a good partner. Can he cook? Repair a car? Or does he have other talents that would be useful in a partnership? Is he available, generous with his time, Whatever it is, he needs to display that. Just my two cents.

I'm an equal opportunity date - I have no problem asking some to a concert or play and buying the tickets. When I first met my husband and was really struggling financially we went out for dinner and I "invited" him to a coffee/dessert place afterward, at my expense, and he said that had never happened to him before.

But, yes, men sometimes get offended and see a woman's offer to pay as somewhat of a slap - either they aren't macho, women don't "think" they can afford the date, whatever else crosses their minds.

And about 7 years ago I actually had a man explain the three date rule to me - three dates and you're expected to have sex with him. I couldn't believe my ears and he was serious. (I'm sure he's out of the ICU by now - )