Ask Me Help Desk - My relationship of 5 years isn't everything I want.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years, we've had a house together for 2 years. Before I could imagine us getting married and feeling happier than ever, but there's been times in the past he's just upped and left me with no explanation, and I've never even got a phone call from him. It happened a couple of times, I don't think he was cheating on me, it was more with the fat he was scared of commitment even though he is 5 years older than me. And to this day I can't forgive him for not being there when I needed him. I feel we are growing apart but I don't want us to, as we are settled in our home.

However, there has always been a guy I've liked since school which was around 6 years ago, I've never been able to look at him as another guy. My stomach does a back flip when I see him. We were going to start a relationship, but he said he wasn't ready at the time which was fair enough. And that's when I got with my boyfriend. This guy has come back on the scene and the chemistry is intense, I know that if I don't do anything about it I will regret it in time. I have not cheated on my boyfriend as I have told the other guy nothing can happen unless I am single. But what if I'm making a huge mistake, I don't feel like I can break my boyfriends heart, he will do anything and everything for me. But then I still feel my boyfriend leaving me down in the past, and not being there when I needed him, that the relationship hasn't been everything I've wanted from the start :( its been my only relationship and I'm 22 yrs old. I haven't a clue what to do as I think you only get one life and its better to regret the things you do not the thing you don't do. I think that my biggest problem is I've only had the one 5 year relationship and its all I've ever known, I've never had my own space going straight from living with my strict parents to living with him, and him wanting to know my every move. I just want to get up and do my own things sometimes without having to make sure if its OK with him.

Any answers are appreciated, my head is really in the shed. Thanks x

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelsea86

in the past hes just uped and left me with no explanation, and i'v never even got a phone call from him. It happened a couple of times,

to this day i can't forgive him for not bein there when i needed him.

I feel we are growin apart but i dont want us to, as we are settled in our home.

However....

You accepted the behaviour earlier in your relationship and subconsciously said that they were OK. Whether you meant to or not this is true. If you accept unacceptable behaviour it is what you will get.

You say you can never forgive him? Then leave. You might break his heart, you don't think that if he read this post it wouldn't break his heart? To think that you had had doubts in the relationship from the start.

Settled? You're 22, you shouldn't be settled in my mind. But you're not anyway if you were you wouldn't be on here saying 'my relationship of 5 years isn't everything I want'. Come on look at the facts here.

This man deserves to be happy, and so do you. Leave. BUT DO NOT do it to be with this other guy. You will regret it. This I guarantee you. Leave, have some time to yourself. Do it so that a)that you can live your life as a 22 year old and b) give yourself some emotion time to heal. You do need that. It doesn't work to get involved with someone straight after a relationship. There are umpteen reasons, for one, transference. You will naturally and again, subconsciously, transfer feelings from your other relationship onto the new one.

We all have baggage but in order to drop some of this and work through the issues that arise within yourself after a relationship then you need time alone, don't just dump them on this new guy.

Ok, I'm aware I kind of went on a bit of a rant there, but I cannot stress enough the importance of some time alone. You will end up being the one who is most hurt if you don't.

You remember me my girlfriend. Maybe this is the phase she got through before breaking up with me. She dumped me for another guy who was her classmate in high school. OK. Let me tell you something girl. There is nothing more offending for your boyfriend if you dump him for another guy.it could be any reason but not this one.if your relationship is lasting 5 years it means that you love your boyfriend. Its just a phase you are going through. Remember all the beautiful moments that you passed with your boyfriend. Remember every single time you said him "i love you". Don't try to remember just the bad moments.they won't make you feel better. I'm pretty sure he cares for you and loves you so much. Why would you break his heart? Do you think the other guy will be better? Believe me. Never. He won't love you so much because he will always think that one day you will dump him just like you dumped your boyfriend. Give time to yourself. Talk to your boyfriend for anything that makes you doubt at him. Believe me girl he really loves you but sometimes boys are not good in showing their feelings to their girlfriends.

Right now your not happy in this relationship but now you have this other guy that is sparking your interest so that would cause you to have less interest in your current relationship.

Well sometimes people grow apart and if the relationship is unfixable than you should leave sooner than later.

Relationship require work and it takes two people for it to work. You and your boyfriend are lacking the main component that makes a relationship lasts and that's communication. Nobody is expressing their feelings, thoughts, concerns, and fears. Your boyfriends runs away whenever he gets the urge instead of being a man and talk but meanwhile you accept it and it's a continious cycle between the two of you.

Right now you need to be the woman and own up to your feelings to him. Get it off your chest because your feel better. And if you leave than leave but made sure it is without the influence of someone else because the grass isn't always greener on the other side, they have weeds too.

Best of luck!

You really need to be by yourself for a while, and the last thing you should do is hop from one guy to another looking for love and happiness.

That's something you get on your own by loving yourself enough to be happy with who you are, without a relationship.

Thanks for all the comments. Im not saying id finish with my boyfriend and go with the other guy straight away. Just that when I think about it, I feel that in time, I'm going to regret never having that time on my own, and I know my boyfriend loves me with all his heart, and I do love him, but then why do I feel like this? And he is quite an open person since having the house together (as he has no where to disappear to) I just wish id had time to myself before meeting him as I met him just before I turned 17, and living with my strict mother I was never allowed to do what I wanted, then being with him, I feel I have to check my plans are OK with him first before confirming them. I've never been able to just look after myself and not worry about anyone else. Also my mother never wanted us to be together, and I feel like I rebelled, and that if she had allowed us to just get on with it, maybe we wouldn't still be together?!

Argh! Frustrated. The way I'm seeing it is, you only get one life, regret the things you do, and not the things you don't do. Is there any truth in

"in the end we only regret the chances we didnt take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make"

Some very honest discussion with your partner can get you that freedom, not to go buck wild, but to explore yourself.

Have that open honest dialog, as one thing that's important to all of us, is having a life we enjoy, and doing what makes us happy with ourselves. That gives us something to share with our partners.

You made one impulsive decision already, don't make another without some careful thinking, and honest communications. Look at the facts of reality, not just feelings.

You can support yourself can't you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Some very honest discussion with your partner can get you that freedom, not to go buck wild, but to explore yourself.

Have that open honest dialog, as one thing thats important to all of us, is having a life we enjoy, and doing what makes us happy with ourselves. That gives us something to share with our partners.

You made one impulsive decision already, don't make another without some careful thinking, and honest communications. Look at the facts of reality, not just feelings.

You can support yourself can't you??

What impulsive decision have I made? :S I really want to settle down properly and look forward to getting married etc, but I just feel I am missing the one thing of never being out there on my own, experiencing the world so to speak, I have always been protected, and I know some people don't have anyone, and I honestly feel lucky in that respect, however I feel that when I am older I am going to look back and regret not having time for me, being single. My boyfriend had his time before meeting me, and all my friends have been there and are ready to settle down.

Maybe its just a phase and will pass?

By supporting myself, you mean, financially, so I can go and start fresh? I would have to go back to living with my mother and we did not get along then, although we get along great now, living together again will be a nightmare.