Ask Me Help Desk - Is it me? Or her?

Hi,

I'm a 20 year old guy that grew up rough. Abuse of the physical kind (not sexual), and verbal. I figure this may be a helpful bit of information. Maybe. Either way I have been dating the girl of my dreams for 10 months now. We had a crush on each other since 7th grade but things never really worked out until the end of my first year in college. She is a year younger than me at age 19. Now. I am heading in a good direction with going to school, working in sales, and have a pretty straight forward way of life. We have been living together since August and now it being near February I'm running in to a problem. She has been depressed for a few months now and I can never seem to get her out of the house to do anything. She was the popular girl in high school but since she is going to a smaller college, she has lost touch with her friends and honestly currently has none. Her mother and father are divorced and she doesn't like her Dad's new girlfriend of the past year and some months. We usually have a pretty young and vibrant physical relationship as well which has dropped to slim if not non existent. I feel as if I'm going through marriage at age 20. Considering some people do, I'm not ready for the fun to slow down quite yet. I mean, I'M 20! She will not open up to me, we have no fun together anymore, and honestly I feel like breaking up with her. With financials these days as a broke college kid and not to mention I would have a rougher than most time with the post relationship jealousy, I can't bring myself to do it. I love the girl, and she means the world to me, but even as I'm doing everything right in my life I can't seem to be happy. My emotions reflect hers and she's never happy. So, naturally, I'm not happy either. I try to find time to get her flowers, take her to eat (almost forcibly), and text her sweet nothings constantly. It's not all peachy as we have our arguments too. The thing is I can't enjoy being with my friends, going to the pool hall, golfing, dance clubs, ANYTHING. Heck, I can't have fun just driving by myself because my thoughts are plagued with her. Please, someone. I can't live like this any more but I just refuse to give up. I'm not referring to suicide, but rather leaving her. Which would be a heart breaker and a half. Help. Thank you for reading, and sorry for the length. I just desperately need your help!

I know I'm a girl here (well, I guess woman is the word - :)-- in my early 30's, married, grew up in a home probably a lot like yours. First, you will at some point need counseling of SOME sort (you WILL yell at your spouse, and children, and verbally abuse them - just the way it is so get help early on how to deal). OK now on to her -- you obviously love her and care for her (you're so awesome), and, being a little moody myself sometimes, it does sound like it's more than moody; she sounds depressed and she really needs to talk to someome - seriously. Don't leave her just yet (she very well may be pushed into a deeper hole and you don't want guilt on your conscience)-- try to get her to call someone if she won't open up to you (counselor, religious help, depression help hotline if money is an issue -close friend - school counselor - may be the best way right now); if she REFUSES to call someone and does not get better, take the lead and call someone for her. Really. (maybe school counselor - all colleges will have something for students somewhere for free). The relationship may very well be over, or end because of it, but you will have done all you can. And yes, you do need to follow through as much as possible. Good luck, I wish you all the best! (BTW - childhood issues don't usually show up until your late 20's or after when you ARE married and start having a family and so on--after you deal with this, think about it, either before you enter a new relationship, or take this one further). :)

Sorry I forgot something - talk to her seriously and soon (as within a couple of days). If her mood doesn't seem to be improving at all (she won't just wake up and be happy go lucky all of a sudden, it will take time) after a few days, that's when you start calling in the resources you've been looking at starting tomorrow if she won't call anyone. Start calling around, doing 'net searches etc now. Again, all my best! (let me know how goes it?)

I had a similar relationship. Turns out she was bi-polar. I'm just saying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by samijo12

First, you will at some point need counseling of SOME sort (you WILL yell at your spouse, and children, and verbally abuse them - just the way it is so get help early on how to deal).

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! That is not necessarily true. Just because someone comes up in that type of environment doesn't mean they will be the same way. In fact, it sounds like the OP has his life together in that respect.

And have you, MarkwithaK, grown up in that kind of environment and have experince as such? Statistics show otherwise, and I'm just saying due to experience also. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by samijo12

And have you, MarkwithaK, grown up in that kind of environment and have experince as such? Statistics show otherwise, and I'm just saying due to experience also. :)

Yes. Yes I have for your information. This is off topic but you simply do not know this person and are not qualified to make such a broad statement like that.

I am "qualified" and my degree says so (I don't need any more clients so I didn't want to go there)- maybe a little broad for this person, but qualified nonetheless. And, you may or may not know where I'm coming from --you may be the 1.3% that are totally, completely normal, with NO ill effects from your childhood affecting your current marriage/long term relationship and relationship with your children (if you are in said relationship & have children at home 24/7). Maybe I overgeneralized, but the stats show I'm most likely right. If I'm wrong - OK I'm wrong, and I'll admit it; however, most abused people do not even begin to see how their childhood affects their husbands/wives and children until they are in their late 20's to very early 30's. I just want him to be OK and to feel like he's done all he can for her because he obviously cares deeply for the girl. Sorry Skinsfan--I'm finished! :)

I think samijo is right about the abuse. It would be very unusual if skinsfan didn't have pretty serious issues with verbal abuse and control. It may be a contributing factor to his girlfriend's depression. He may not even be aware of things he's saying to her that hurt. Just a possibility, but not one to be ignored.

I agree, the girlfriend needs some counseling/help. But skinsfan does too. I don't agree that this will not surface until his late 20s. It's probably already going on. Even if he's completely transcended the problem, just living with a depressed person is very difficult. However, if she was not depressed before they got together and there's been no major change in her life, I would look at her isolation and her relationship with skinsfan as likely sources. She sounds clinically depressed.

I consider myself an introvert. I don't really take out my anger anymore like I used to. It used to be yelling, but I've moved to walking away, breathing and thinking before saying or doing something I would come to regret. Now I'm working on dealing with the problem as it comes and learning how to break it down and moving the emotion to the side before I react. I do think counseling help as I went to some in High School. Otherwise a lot is left to the individual to not place blame on themselves. There is truth to both your arguments with counseling being a great alternative than introversion, but at some point you have to conquer the demons on your own. Otherwise I feel you could easily just rely on medication and lifetimes worth of counseling. Thank you guys so much for your help.

And to add to that. I believe that most people my age and my situation growing up feel much older than the skin they occupy. I do think a major rift regardless of her high maturity level at her age, is that I have a much, MUCH, higher maturity level than most people would consider adults. I also have an above average IQ so I guess the curse there is that sometimes things that just sound stupid to me, kind of push my buttons, ha.

Your first step is getting her to seek a doctor. Your not one, so get one.

Hi skinsfan! You are probably what a few of us call an "old soul" ;)-- and sadly, sometimes people your age just don't get it (meaining they don't understand your situation and where you are coming from) and you have to let them go. I actually do not generally provide medical intervention unless and when absolutely necessary; most people (and I know you are one of them) can work things out on their own but it does take an enormous amount of work (many people are not ready to do that until they are a little older - that's not a bad thing). Some just want to escape with anti-depressants and sleeping pills and not deal. It's also not good to keep things bottled up (I personally recommend boxing - it's a great physical release). Finding a good relationship for those of us that have some 'kiddie baggage' is pretty difficult, and sometimes your partner (well, a lot of times) your partner has similar baggage (that's why it works when it really works because they get it); however they have to be willing to work on losing some suitcases-even if it's a small purse or wallet to start with. You sound really put together, and very serious. Try to take things in stride, and enjoy doing things you love, or, pick up a new hobby or try out something new; live a little. Your girlfriend may or may not be your soul mate; if she's not, you want to be the best you can be when she finally finds you. One last one clients hear ALL THE TIME (b/c it's true): things that are hard are generally worth it, and if it's the easy way is it for you? And, they always see Robert Frosts poem "The Road Not Taken" on my bookshelf, it's an oldie but goodie. May your journey be all that you want it to be, and I hope you truly enjoy it, old soul.