Hey Guys,
My girlfriend (22 / virgin), has pain when I try to finger her. She said it feels like she's bursting. This might be normal for a virgin, except she said this feeling began already when I just barely touched her: When she complained about this bursting-pain, I penetrated only her labia, but not her actual vagina (so I was probably in about 1 cm.). I pushed a little further but it was just too much for her, so that we had to stop it.

Is it normal that virgins are so extremely sensitive down there? It might play a role that she has never even masturbated before, and we have a very high level of trust, so I would assume that she told me the truth about that. Also, I think I felt her hymen.

IF this is normal, what I assume, how can I make it go away? Of course I want her to feel pleasure, and eventually have sex with her, but I wonder how that would work out, considering how sensitive she is. Isn't fingering the right way to get it started? Or is it better do deflorate her first and kind accept that its painful but get it over with quickly?

Thanks for some help.

Esus.

HOw about starting with kissing? Some petting, maybe?

She needs to see a gynecologist to rule out medical issues, and she needs to learn to please herself--because if she can't please herself, there's no WAY you're going to be able to figure it out.

Umm.. of course we kiss and caress, and we take much, much time for that (hours over hours). I've also brought her orgasms before.

But when it comes to her vaginal canal, it just seems like a no-go area.

Probably going to a gynecologist would be a good idea. Except she said she is too shy for asking about this.. I'm trying to talk her into it.

If she is even THINKING of having sex, she should be on birth control, and talking to your gynecologist about your sexual issues could save your LIFE.

Ask her if it's worth dying because she's shy.

She NEEDS to believe that her gynecologist has seen and heard it all--and that if she doesn't talk to her about it, she could be risking a healthy sex life and a healthy understanding of her own body.

It can not be much fun if having pain during foreplay/sex. After all, this is meant to be an enjoyable and happy experience. If you get pain, it isn't.

The trouble will often resolve if the man takes more time with love play so that the woman's vagina relaxes and her natural lubricant flows, and if the couple use one of the sex lubricants.

Perhaps suggest she plays around alone until she feels more comftable.

It's important to realise that there is usually some emotional element in this problem?

If you experience pain during foreplay/sex, it's almost certain to be distressing for you and her. This distress may well make her tighten up down below. And this tightening up will very likely make the pain worse next time.

Vaginismus can cause both deep and superficial pain and is a common cause of pain during sex. It's a spasm of the vaginal muscles, caused mainly by fear of being hurt.
Some women with vaginismus have never been able to have full sex or even use tampons.

Some reasons this happens -
* a restrictive upbringing, in which the woman was brought up to view sex as nasty or dirty
*a background where rape or childhood sexual abuse has taken place. Experiences like these understandably make women fearful of sex and of being hurt.
*painful vaginal infections.
*unease with their partner – perhaps at an unconscious level.

Vaginal infection ?
These are very common. The one that huge numbers of women get is thrush.

But if the pain keeps on happening, she shouldn't feel you have to put up with it. Get something done to improve things and visit the GP o rue out mediclal issies.

Hope this helps a little

I agree, there seems to be a medical component to this. I know something about Gynocologist visits by women, and if there is any pain down there it's not considered normal, please get yourself examined. Your tissues (even for virgin) are designed to stretch somewhat and aren't as sensitive to the touch as is being reported. Also young girls using tampons for the first time don't seem to be experiencing as much pain as you are either, and the smallest of tampons don't cause pain to a simple touch of the labia or the entrance to the vagina; possibily when being pressed through the hymen, but not when it comes to simple pressure.

Go see a Gynocologist. Not for the ability to have sex, but to make sure you are healthy. Untreated women's medical issues could lead to infertility in the future and you don't want to compromise your ability to have children or take care of something that could become much more serious and threaten your life.

I agree that Something IS going on, and it's bad... either she has had something VERY traumatic happen or she has a physical issue. If she will not go to her GYN, then, you will never have a relationship...Something IS wrong...

I don't think she is ready for sexual intercourse.

When a girl loses her virginity, it is painful. A man has to *force* his penis into her vagina to break the hymen... a girl may cry. That is just the way it is.

It only happens once, and it is never painful again unless a man abuses a women with too violent stroking, too long stroking...

Forget about the fingering. A young girl will not find that pleasant, but may hesitate to say to.

So, frankly, I think she is not ready for intercourse with you.

Best wishes, :)

Fingering... Approach the vaginal opening with your tongue after she has already had an orgasm. Fingers have both bones in them and calluses on them. Ouch! The skin of the labia, especially inner, smaller labia can be extremely delicate and sensitive.

I wouldn't worry about it, she's never had sex before so she doesn't know what to expect. One of my exes, who wasn't a virgin, complained of the same thing. It turned out she was just nervous, and when we got beyond that the sex was great.

Every girl goes through it, she doesn't need to see a gyno. In fact, suggesting that to her is a terrible idea because that will make her feel like crap, then you'll have other problems on your hands.

All that medical and psychological garbage that people posted really is none of your business--of course you should know, but I mean to say that you're not a doctor, so don't even go there with her, you'll just start a fight--so you really don't need to worry yourself with any of that if, in fact, it is the case.

I don't have any advice in which you haven't thought of yourself, just keep your fingernails trimmed, file the sharp edges and keep your hands soft with lotion. She will notice. Also, be genuinely sensitive to her needs (and this is probably the only thing you have to do), she has to be comfortable in a sexual environment to like it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I wouldn't worry about it, she's never had sex before so she doesn't know what to expect. One of my exes, who wasn't a virgin, complained of the same thing. It turned out she was just nervous, and when we got beyond that the sex was great.

Every girl goes through it, she doesn't need to see a gyno. In fact, suggesting that to her is a terrible idea because that will make her feel like crap, then you'll have other problems on your hands.

All that medical and psychological garbage that people posted really is none of your business--of course you should know, but I mean to say that you're not a doctor, so don't even go there with her, you'll just start a fight--so you really don't need to worry yourself with any of that if, in fact, it is the case.

I don't have any advice in which you haven't thought of yourself, just keep your fingernails trimmed, file the sharp edges and keep your hands soft with lotion. She will notice. Also, be genuinely sensitive to her needs (and this is probably the only thing you have to do), she has to be comfortable in a sexual environment to like it.

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Very irresponsible post. If you read the following article, her problems started with a urinary tract infection.

Fiance of Brazilian model: 'Where there is a heartbeat, there's hope' - CNN.com

Are you a doctor, do you know all Gynocological pain and what it can or cannot lead to? The fact is, you don't. So to suggest that someone doesn't get pain checked out by a TRUE expert is the height of irresponsibility.

You are welcome to make other suggestions, but advising someone to NOT see a doctor when it is a suggested option is dangerous.

UPDATE
She was at the gyn, and talked to her about it (she had to go there anyway, and this topic came up automatically when the doc tried to insert something small.. ), but apparently her doc said it's normal and she'll get used to it. Except everything I know about her doc does not make me want to trust her.
She did have a traumatic (non-sexual) experience during her childhood and her upbringing was *very* conservative concerning sex, partnership etc. so the psychological factor surely could play a role. If there's one thing I hate, then it's when overly restrictive/conservative social norms f**k with the head of people. And especially my girlfriend ARGH.

But since the doc said it's normal.. this leaves me only to make sure that..
- she's relaxed
- I take my time
- maybe use lube
- what simoneaugie wrote (more posts like this would be helpful now!)

.. and hope that she'll enjoy it eventually. Phew, what a task. I'm usually already somebody who tries to take care of the things above to make sure my girl enjoys it, so I hope I can still raise the bar.

Or do I just have to take her virginity first and then hope she'll enjoy it afterwards?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by simoneaugie

Fingering...Approach the vaginal opening with your tongue after she has already had an orgasm. Fingers have both bones in them and calluses on them. Ouch! The skin of the labia, especially inner, smaller labia can be extremely delicate and sensitive.

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Esus.

To me it sounds as if she is "scared" to relax and encounter the experience. I think she probably views sex as a dirty or nasty thing. Try some oral moves with her because the toungue is very soft and creates a sensation that is very powerful. It might also help if you try masterbating for her so she will become more comfortable with the idea of masterbating. Just let her know that having sex is a very natural part of life. If she still lives at home, she may be worried that her parents will find out or that sex could turn into pregnancy... which it will if measures are not taken to prevent that. If she is 22 and has never seen a gynocologist... it is definitely high time. Most gynocologist will ask questions that lead to having pain with sex anyway and all she has to do is answer honestly. Be patient with her and stop initiating sex... let her take the lead and she will feel like she is in charge which always make things more comfortable.

Some great things to try...
1. lubricate jellies... make sure they are for sex or the scents and perfumes could cause irritation.
2. Oral sex!! Don't try to penetrate her at first. Lick her and gently suck it. You might also want to try drinking a really cold drink then licking her with a cold tongue... mmmm.
3. Use a vibrator... but don't penetrate her with it. Use one of the smooth kind. Not the kind that looks like a penis. The ridges in those can be painful and often times they are freakishly huge! Move down as if you were going to perform oral sex so you can watch, and gently kiss her legs and area around her vagina. Watch her facial expressions and focus in on the things that you see creates her more pleasure. During this experience, watch her hands to see if they trail down to where all the action is. If so, pull her hand down. If she pulls her hand away, don't try to recover. Wait for her to come back down with it. If you could eventually get her to take the vibrator, while you are kissing and gently caressing her all around, you could start fingering her and possibly penetrate her at that time.

Make sure your hands are clean and nails are cut short. Check out your cuticles and make sure you don't have snags that could scratch her. While you and her are kissing and enjoying foreplay, you should lie on your back and pull her on top of you. Then, push her up in a sitting position so maybe your penis is touching her and she might want to slide on. This is how my first time happened! I was in complete control.

To me it sounds as if she is "scared" to relax and encounter the experience. I think she probably views sex as a dirty or nasty thing. Try some oral moves with her because the toungue is very soft and creates a sensation that is very powerful. It might also help if you try masterbating for her so she will become more comfortable with the idea of masterbating. Just let her know that having sex is a very natural part of life. If she still lives at home, she may be worried that her parents will find out or that sex could turn into pregnancy... which it will if measures are not taken to prevent that. If she is 22 and has never seen a gynocologist... it is definitely high time. Most gynocologist will ask questions that lead to having pain with sex anyway and all she has to do is answer honestly. Be patient with her and stop initiating sex... let her take the lead and she will feel like she is in charge which always make things more comfortable.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Esus

UPDATE
She was at the gyn, and talked to her about it (she had to go there anyway, and this topic came up automatically when the doc tried to insert something small..), but apparently her doc said it's normal and she'll get used to it. Except everything I know about her doc does not make me want to trust her.
She did have a traumatic (non-sexual) experience during her childhood and her upbringing was *very* conservative concerning sex, partnership etc. , so the psychological factor surely could play a role. If there's one thing I hate, then it's when overly restrictive/conservative social norms f**k with the head of people. And especially my girlfriend ARGH.

But since the doc said it's normal.. this leaves me only to make sure that..
- she's relaxed
- I take my time
- maybe use lube
- what simoneaugie wrote (more posts like this would be helpful now!)

..and hope that she'll enjoy it eventually. Phew, what a task. I'm usually already somebody who tries to take care of the things above to make sure my girl enjoys it, so I hope I can still raise the bar.

Or do I just have to take her virginity first and then hope she'll enjoy it afterwards?



Esus.

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Why don't you take a hint and leave her alone. She's not ready, and for you to continue to press this issue makes you selfish and a predator. If you love her, you will wait for her, when she's ready and not a moment before.

It may be vaginismus,below is a description.

Vaginismus, significant vaginal pain with penetration, can be frustrating for the affected woman, her partner and her doctor. There is no universally effective treatment; trial and error is the norm. An understanding and patient partner is a must. Vaginal dilators -- plastic devices of graduated sizes to insert into the opening -- can be helpful because you are in control and you can "practice" vaginal penetration while more relaxed.

Just because one doctor said all is fine does not mean it is.I would get a second opinion.

If she gets the go ahead on the physical front I would assume that it is psychological ,in which case speaking to a therapist would be helpful,not just doing it and hope all will work out well.That could be even more traumatic.

Hmmmm... just noticed that last line where you put "Or do I just have to take her virginity first and then hope she'll enjoy it afterwards?"

That is rape...

I'd say that extreme amount of pain is not normal. She may just be lying because she's not ready for sex with you... or she may have endometriosis...

If she's not just lying she should definitely go get checked out by a GYN.