Hello every body. I am a mum of two lovely daughters ( 7and9years) my problem is that when ever they are near each other they quarrel . They excel in finding a reason to do it. I really tried every thing : talking to them, then threatening then yelling all in vain. These last days I find myself yelling all the time and I rarely smile to them but even that doesn't work . I sometimes get so angry and I can't get it anymore. Is it something normal .will it pass ? What can I do ? Any similar experiences ? Please help me.

Don't force them to be in each other's company- sometimes they may quarrel with each other just so one can show to the other how much better they are. Try not to blame either of them for starting the quarrel or comparing them to each other because that just gives them an excuse to start a new one, other reasons siblings quarrel may be jealousy or not feeling loved enough or they may even be upset over personal problems and just need a way to take out their anger. Try sitting through one of their quarrels and ignore them, you might find the problem from listening- but if things get too out of hand, you should step in and tell them to stop. It could just be a phase <<depending on how long this has been going on for>> but you should let them know that they have to accept each other no matter their personal feelings

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Originally Posted by sakbir2

hello every body. i am a mum of two lovely daughters ( 7and9years) my problem is that when ever they are near each other they quarrel.

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Isn't that what siblings (especially girls who are close in age) do?

Make sure they have outside activities such as piano or dance or playdates or personal time with a parent so they spend time away from each other. Figure out the things they agree on and encourage development of those.

How long has this been going on. Did it start recently?

The reason I ask is, there is usually a reason why children argue to such an extent that it upsets the household. Normal disagreements and fights happen from time to time, but them carrying on like this to a point of worrying you, has me thinking there is something more going on.

I don't think it would be out of the question to expect them to stop quarreling when you tell them to stop. Nor would it be unexpected that you would ask them each to respect the other's chance to explain themselves. At that age they should be disciplined enough to show a little respect for your guidance, and at least listen to you.

They would not get away with that in the classroom, or anywhere else. Why should they at home.

I had a sister who was a year older than me. She would do things purposely to get my goat, and when I reacted, I got in trouble. One example of that was, when my mother wasn't looking, she would blow germs off herself (she would say out of earshot my germs were contaminating her). My mother never addressed any of the issues that my sister always started. She was a very devious child, and an equally devious adult.

Regardless, it will likely pass as someone has said. My advice would be to set some limits and expectations for behaviour when they start to go off again, within earshot. If they are arguing to get you involved, don't get suckered. Tell them to take it outside where you can't hear them.

Thank you for your help. and to reply to Jake2008 , it started only lately - I mean may be a year ago.in fact, the older one has a very strong personality- but nothing cynic or devil- and the younger one is much conciliating but lately she began to refuse the leadership and parenting role her older sister is playing and that's how things started.
Of course I tried to understand the reasons but you really got lost between the tears and the " it's all her fault" matters. And I tried to make as if I don't hear them but it can't work too.

What I got from your replies , however, is that I can make them apart without feeling worried about their future link together, isn't it? I always used to refuse this solution out of my fear of tearing them apart which can harm their relation in the future. They are my only children and like any mother I want them to be united. What do you think?

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Originally Posted by sakbir2

what i got from your replies , however, is that i can make them apart without feeling worried about their future link together, isn't it? i always used to refuse this solution out of my fear of tearing them apart which can harm their relation in the future. They are my only children and like any mother i want them to be united. what do you think?

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Definitely allow them to grow up as individuals who do not have to depend on each other for entertainment. In fact, they may become better friends if you give each of them her own opportunities and her own space apart from the other. My siblings and I have always been much closer emotionally when we don't have to deal with each other oin a regular basis, but can use our time together to share stories about accomplishments and activities. When we are together too much, we tend to argue!

That the behaviour has been fairly recent between the two of them, with the elder one being the leader/nurturer, and the younger being naturally accepting of this, until recently, says to me that the younger one is developing her own independence.

The dynamics of the relationship have changed! It is a healthy sign, albeit a super frustrating one, when they realize and seek their own voice, decisions, opinions, etc.

They will balance this out, and they will find common ground again, I'd bet my left arm on it. Both of them will realize that they are changing and growing up, although at the moment one is struggling to be heard, and the other has lost her role, which she probably did very well. Neither of them is used to, or accepting of this shift in the relationship. They're just kids, after all.

I remember these battles with my own two. All mothers go through this at some point, and it does not indicate in any way, shape, or form, that they will hate each other for life.

I would still set limits, and allow them to be angry, but express the anger appropriately. No raised voices, no screaming. They will still go through this anyway, but they will learn how to temper their own behaviour, and get much better results. Eventually, they will develop better coping skills all the way around on how to vent anger, fear, frustration etc.

Mine are the very best of friends, and they survived these trying years that you face now. It is a nice thing to look forward to down the road sakbir, and realize that everybody will survive intact. :D

Remember how you react is how they learn to react. If you yell and scream at them, then they will yell and scream at each other. Okay, I am a yeller and a screamer and am reminded every time my children (5 and 7) do this. I am so going to be in your shoes in two years.

But even now as it is beginning, I remind the older one she is not the parent. I thank her for her help, and I tell her she is right but that it is not her place to point it out. I hug the younger one and tell him that yeah it blows to be told by everyone what to do. I hate it when he is so sad. And then I try to address the action that he was doing.

Sometimes when I hear it start up, I just ignore it and tell them to work it out. If I need to intefere, they will not like my resolution (I own the toy, they both have a time out, both lose TV, etc). This can be a big motivator for them to work out the minutia and allow you to address the bigger issues when they arise.

I am so with you.