Ask Me Help Desk - Bad Decision Ruins a Friendship

I am friend with a man with whom I work. We spend a lot of time together and recently became intimate. This was against my better judgement as he is married. I feel very guilty about that. The thing is that it stopped abruptly and I felt rejected. Again, any normal person would have thanked god and walked away. But he has started to talk about another female and I can see him treating her like he treated me before our encounter(s). I am feeling jealous. Again, better judgment tells me I have nothing to be jealous of in the first place. So I feel rejected, jealous and am worried that we will never be able to go back to being friends again. Or were we only friends so he could put another notch on his belt? How can I move on and forget this guy? I still want to be friends with him. But cannot find a feasible or rational approach to bridge the gap over what we have done. I also worry that he hates me. Even though he still goes out of his way to do stuff. But only marginally now. I am so confused. Any guidance on how to affirm myself and gain back myself confidence would be very helpful.

Thanks.

You need a heavy dose of NO CONTACT. Not easy with him working with you, but you still need to do it. It may take longer, but leaving him alone or changing jobs are your only options.

Honestly, how can you want to be friends with someone who used you like that, and threw you away??

Maybe a professional can help as your actions and thoughts after the fact are disturbing.

He is MARRIED! You should keep well away from married men! Period, or you WILL get hurt.

Best thing is as Tal says go TOTAL NC. Ignore what he does with other female staff, as he is being extremely unprofessional to his work colleagues, which staff will see and judge him by his actions. God knows what the wife will feel if she ever finds out. Count yourself lucky that he is not paying much attention to you as you can now remove yourself from this disaster that is coming! HE WILL GET CAUGHT ONE DAY- CHEATERS DO!

With respect to work, just put your head down and do the work professionally and then go home. SIMPLE. If your are unhappy with your job, best to work on your job and start focusing on what you can do to deliver to your team in a better and effective way. Take this positive improvement and in time when the time is right, with the right opportunities move on to another job that could be much more rewarding than this one. I would not worry if he likes you or not- what will keep your job , is how well you deliver your work.

Oh yes the friendship thing- I would forget it- start being professional and start treating him as a staff member- ie: no different to any other staff-that will give you respect and dignity for yourself and others in time will appreciate your actions.

The mistake that your making now is worrying about his life. Who cares who he is taking a interested in now? Focus on your life and let him continue doing wrong but take no part in it.

You stated you felt guilty and jealous over this guy but yet you want him. What is there to want? I mean why?

This guy wanted one thing for and got it and than is moving on to the next person. He must be on a mission to do all the females where you work.

With time you would be able to move past him but know he isn't worthy to even be your friend. He doing wrong to his wife and sooner or later it will catch up to him. You need to make sure you don't ever repeat this mistake again and don't put yourself in a situation where you could be weak. Build yourself up and when your at work be confident and stand strong.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybe a professional can help as your actions and thoughts after the fact are disturbing.

Not sure what actions she did that were so disturbing, unless I am missing something. She knows that she has no rhyme or reason to be jealous. She is regretting the physical contact that ruined the friendship. She never said that she wanted a romantic relationship to resume only that she wanted to be friends.

Now I agree that is not a good idea now. Maybe never, as the guy seems to be a player who bounces from one girl to another, but if her experience is anything like mine, the pain of losing a friend is stinging worse than losing a lover; now, and in the long run.

I say give it a year (or two). Friendships can be rekindled rather easily. You may find upon distance and reflection (like I did) that while the ex was fun and exciting, they were never really your friend anyway as they only had their interest in mind and not your own.

Just my two cents.

I have to agree with pretty much everything that was already said. Oh and one more thing, celery does not suck. Put some blue cheese or maybe some peanut butter on that bad-boy and it's down right delicious. :D

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Not sure what actions she did that were so disturbing, unless I am missing something.

Let me be clear, wanting to be friends with someone who uses you, and walks away is an invitation to be used again, and rewards bad behavior. A sign of low self esteem, and thats what abuse victims share.

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She never said that she wanted a romantic relationship to resume only that she wanted to be friends.

He should be avoided like the plaque, as he will use her again, if given the chance.
I advise she not set her self up for more of the same.

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Originally Posted by jckgdig

You may find upon distance and reflection (like I did) that while the ex was fun and exciting, they were never really your friend anyway as they only had their interest in mind and not your own.
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I agree.