The question that I have is should I leave my husband ? I am 27 years old with 3 children. Me and my husband has been married for almost 10 years but been together a little longer than that. The problem that I am having is that my husband is a good man in a lot of ways, he helps me out with the kids, he cooks and he is a hard working man. We also are in church, which is where we got married at. What he is doing is about every day he comes home and hollars, fusses and cusses at me and the kids. In the past he has hit my son which is now 11 years old once in his mouth where he busted it. We took him to the emergency room right away. I know he done that, but deep down I know he loves us all. That was in the past. But every now and then he pops him in his head and all the time cussing and fussing. These kids love their daddy and when I say I want a divorce they tell me no,but yet I don't want me or them in a relationship where were not happy. I'm trying for us to work things out cause I don't believe in divorcing. What can I do, I have tried and tried talking with my husband about all of this ,us working things out for our kids but nothing seems to change.
Thank you.

If what you are saying is correct, priority is to keep your children safe... they did not ask to be put in this situation. If you feel that the situation is not safe, then you need to remove yourself and the children. Next, have you gone to marriage counsiling?. have you and your husband talked about the possibility of anger management classes? Abuse and violence is unacceptable for children, or you as well... love and a family unit is very important, but when violence enters, you need to re-evaluate the situation and make changes to protect the children and yourself as well. Possibly make a contract with him that you will continue to try to work things out pending that he seeks help for his anger and children are not in ANY danger... I cannot stress that enough... those are just my thoughts... I hope they are of some help to you.

Abuse is intolerable. Insist that he get counseling either from within or outside of the church. It does not matter, he MUST get help. Keep yourself and the children safe from any abuse should be your number one priority.

Let me also add that divorce should not be decided by your children. You should not be discussing this with them at this point.

Children tend to play the blame game when it comes to divorce and ultimately blame themselves. When you discuss this option with them, you are only making it worse for them.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Let me also add that divorce should not be decided by your children. You should not be discussing this with them at this point.

Children tend to play the blame game when it comes to divorce and ultimately blame themselves. When you discuss this option with them, you are only making it worse for them.

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I thank you for your comment but I haven't discussed a divorce with the children, they over heard me and him talking about that through the bedroom door. They came up to me and said that they didn't want to see us get a divorce. So I am still here. My oldest is 11 my middle child is 6, and the youngest is 2.

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Originally Posted by Str8stack71

if what you are saying is correct, priority is to keep your children safe... they did not ask to be put in this situation. if you feel that the situation is not safe, then you need to remove yourself and the children. next, have you gone to marriage counsiling?.. have you and your husband talked about the possibility of anger management classes? abuse and violence is unacceptable for children, or you as well... love and a family unit is very important, but when violence enters, you need to re-evaluate the situation and make changes to protect the children and yourself as well. possibly make a contract with him that you will continue to try to work things out pending that he seeks help for his anger and children are not in ANY danger... i cannot stress that enough... those are just my thoughts... i hope they are of some help to you.

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Hi I 1st want to thank you for your comment on that. I have thought about going to counsiling but we have no time to go,and I'm not sure about the cost to go. We have 3 children and 2 are small which leaves us with no babysitter. My mom lives an hour away from us. If they have it on weekends that would be great. The thing is that I would be willing to go,but I'm not sure about him. Thank you for giving me advice!

This does not sound like something you should toss around and contemplate... this sounds like something that you are going to have to make time for... and make arrangements for your children to get it done... if you don't think he will go, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship with him... it doesn't matter how much he loves you if he is not willing to help himself in this situation. You cannot do it for him. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and seek help. Your only responsibility is to support him if he chooses to seek help, and to make sure that your children are safe even if it means leaving him because he will not get help. Please think wisely and act on what you know you should do. There are so many spouses that stay in situations like this because they don't want to break their family up, they are embarressed of what's going on and don't want anyone else to know about it, or some other reason... don't be a statistic... when you took your son to the emergency room, did you tell them that your husband hit him out of anger or did you lie to cover it up? If you told the hospital that your husband hit your child out of anger, then the hospital has a legal obligation to contact the correct authorities... and file a report.
Does anyone else agree with me on this?. child abuse is not something to play around with... if someone hits a child hard enough out of anger and sends a child to the emergency room... this should send up a red flag to you...

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Originally Posted by Str8stack71

this does not sound like something you should toss around and contemplate... this sounds like something that you are going to have to make time for... and make arrangements for your children to get it done.... if you dont think he will go, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship with him... it doesnt matter how much he loves you if he is not willing to help himself in this situation. you cannot do it for him. he needs to take responsibility for his actions and seek help. your only responsibility is to support him if he chooses to seek help, and to make sure that your children are safe even if it means leaving him because he will not get help. please think wisely and act on what you know you should do. there are soo many spouses that stay in situations like this because they dont want to break their family up, they are embarressed of whats going on and dont want anyone else to know about it, or some other reason... dont be a statistic... when you took your son to the emergency room, did you tell them that your husband hit him out of anger or did you lie to cover it up? if you told the hospital that your husband hit your child out of anger, then the hospital has a legal obligation to contact the correct authorities... and file a report.

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They did ask, but we told them that he was running around the house and fell on the coffee table.our son also said the same thing because there are other situations why. Like # 1 I am not in a position making any income and I have no where to go and I don't want to go to any shelter. Plus this has happened once ,it's not an every day or every 2 months kind of thing being abusive like that. My husband cried for weeks for what he done and he is trying to make it better now but there are still problems in our relationship. We didn't want him losing his job. My husband also told me that he asked god to forgive him for that. He just has to live with knowing that had happened years ago.

If your husband has been haunted by his actions against the son and actually has shown remorse for his actions, I feel that you need to forgive him also.

What was the reason he gives for coming home and yelling and cussing? Is this a job related problem where he is coming home and venting his problems?

If everyone has forgiven dad (especially the son), and he has not done this physical abuse again, I would highly suggest that you pray with him as a couple and reach some sort of forgiveness with him. He needs to hear it from your lips that you forgive him, just don't do it again.

If this man loves you and the kids, goes to church regularly, helps around the house, goes to work and supports his family like a man, I would not leave him just because of one incident.

Trying to live on your own with no job skills and probably no money and staying at a women's shelter with 3 kids would be only for a situation where either you or one of your kids was beaten to a pulp on a regular basis. This does not appear to be your situation, so please do not divorce a good man who did wrong once.

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Originally Posted by bekah2009

they did ask, but we told them that he was running around the house and fell on the coffee table.our son also said the same thing because there are other situations why. like # 1 i am not in a position making any income and i have no where to go and i don't want to go to any shelter. plus this has happened once ,it's not an every day or every 2 months kind of thing being abusive like that. my husband cried for weeks for what he done and he is trying to make it better now but there are still problems in our relationship. we didnt want him loosing his job. my husband also told me that he asked god to forgive him for that. he just has to live with knowing that had happend years ago.

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WOW! You really are in denial aren't you? This sounds like every story that every other battered wife or family tells. It's not his fault. We don't want him to get in trouble, we don't want a divorce' it is my fault for all this.
Honey, it is HIS FAULT! And unless HE gets professional help it will happen again. Have you ever heard of hiring a baby sitter to watch the kids for 2 hours while you attend some counseling sessions? Many churches offer it for free. There are also group sessions for men, women, or couples for anger management. Quit feeling sorry for yourself, and get the professional helpy you are asking for, PLEASE!

I think 450donn has right, you are denial it's happened before and it will happen again. You should be realistic, if is dangerous for the kids go ask help if you feel that your kids are in danger, if is not lots of parent physically punishing they children (I'm against) but you have to know how far he is. If he knows the limit and you can talk to him to calm him down and say that is not the way than try to work it out. He can be stressed, tired and scared after all he is who responsible for all your financial problem. These days are not easy and your kids will bee teenagers soon, more needs, more problem. You should go and find some job they are daycare and subsidy to. Maybe if you take of some of the pressure from his shoulder he will change. And work on your marriage trust me the kids will suffer more when your divorced even if you will have a, god" relationship with your ex. If they teenagers they need the father I know that from first hand. Divide the energy what you put in to get divorce and live separate life with your kids and with this 50% of energy you can save your marriage and the family for your kids. (Off course just if he is all ready not to abusing what you try to hide) Good luck.

It does not sound like the abuse has stopped. He may not be hitting your son physically on a regular basis, but he is, as you said:

"what he is doing is about every day he comes home and hollars, fusses and cusses at me and the kids. In the past he has hit my son which is now 11 years old once in his mouth where he busted it.

In his good moments, he cooks, helps out, and likely everybody can breathe again. In his bad moments, the minute he walks in the door most days, everybody has to likely run for cover, or over compensate for his 'mood'.

I don't think this is new behaviour for him, and no doubt over the years you have been together, the less he is able to control himself. This will happen to abusive partners as the pressure increases, and their ability to cope decreases, because they lack the skills they need to effectively parent, discipline, and control their own anger.

I doubt that he can somehow magically acquire the approprate coping mechanisms in order to stop the behaviour you see now, just because you think that he can, or that he has tried, and you keep hoping he will change.

My opinion is that you may have great expectations for him, but likely your children do not. They are not in a position to judge whether their lives are better off without him, because he is all they know. Think about that.

His behaviour is what your children will emulate as being normal behaviour for a man, a father, and a husband.

Only you can decide what to do. As others have said, counselling, shelters, social assistance, your church etc. can all assist you. Perhaps you can move in with your mother for a while to give yourself some breathing room, and get counselling for yourself.

You have some difficult decisions to make, and I wish you well.