I just found out my husband of 30 years, has been cheating on me with an associate he used to work with a few years ago. My cell phone lost power and we wanted to call our grandchildren so he says "Use my Phone," so called but no one available so I try to text. My husband has one of those complicated phones with a gazillion buttons and in trying to figure it out, I stumbled onto a picture of a woman's laced panty covered vagina.
I'm scared, so what do I do but keep looking and find a picture of a woman in nothing but her bra on. At this point I'm beside myself, actually )(#$*&)(#*$ my pants.

Now I know we haven't had the best marriage, but we've continued to stay married and raise four kids. We now how 13 grandchildren and thought everything was the way we wanted it to be.

I must say that we were here before earlier in our marriage. He had an affair, it took many years to get over but we did it and I thought our marriage was stronger after that. Needless to say I'm sick. I know I'm old now, I should be over this kind of thing. I feel so stupid and useless now. My life has passed me by and I have nothing but an unhappy husband to show for it.

Advice Please! I'm losing it!

What a sad story. I hate to hear that. Really there is no right answer to your question. Everyone handles this stuff differently.

All I can offer is just some encourangment. In my opinion, your not old until your dead. So as long as you are alive, you still have a life worth living for.

30 years would be hard to walk away from.

Have you confronted him on it? That would be my first move.

But no matter what the outcome and decision you make regarding this, don't go around beating yourself up. If he was unhappy with you, he should have just come out and told you instead of running around behind your back.

There's no excuse for it. It's not your fault.

But you're not stupid, and your not useless!

I'll wait to hear back before I comment further.

It is pathetic to discover that a man that you've been so devoted and dedicated to for the better part of your years had been cheating! It is absurd! But do we do! Please for the sake of your health and your children try to forgive him to avoid having stroke and ultimately heart attack. It is very hard I know, but please you deserve to enjoy the latter part of your life, do not allow this to cause you eternal pain, get more interested in your grand children, use them to fill up your loneliness and before you know it you will heal.

All I can offer is just some encouragement. In my opinion, your not old until your dead. So as long as you are alive, you still have a life worth living for.

30 years would be hard to walk away from.
I can say only the same thing what andrewc24301 said... keep in your mind you still have him, he is with you. I don't know how's was your sex life but if it wasn't good than think that his body needed something what he could find from others, but his soul needed you because he is with you. Think positively if you don't like to have sex with him or the sex is not good than after all he does a fever to go to other women. If someone would be more important than you he would walk away. Basically he is not using you he using the other women for sex and he gives you the attention and all the things what that other wish to have. He is still disgusting but keep him and try not to do a big thing mans are like kids they like to run.

I am very sorry to hear the place that you are at right now and can only imagine the pain and hurt you must feel.

I do not agree with the posts that have been posted here above because I feel once you step outside of the marriage and cheat you are breaking every single vow that you two ever made.

You are a good person and have tried to work things out in the past and that must have taken a lot, but you also have to remember that you need respect and honor from your partner not for him to be going off and cheating.

It sounds like you have raised a good loving family, and will always have the happy times together, but please do not allow yourself to be placed in second place by a guy that wants to have all the cake and eat it.

Do you really want to stay with a guy sleeping around behind your back ?

Do you want to have the risk of him bringing things to you, such as STI's etc ?

It is hard to do because reading your post you are feeling very weak at present, but you need to be strong and stand up to this and sort it out once and for all.

Not to break up this sad reverie, but what was his reaction when you confronted him with these dirty pictures??

You did confront him immediately didn't you?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Not to break up this sad reverie, but what was his reaction when you confronted him with these dirty pictures????

You did confront him immediately didn't you??

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I too an curious of this...

Maybe I'm wrong I don't know but did you ever think if you live him what kind of life would you have. He cheated you for sure he is a discussing creature, but you don't started your life now if you would live alone would you love it. Maybe I don't know everybody is different, but picture that would you suffer more if you live him and he would have other women in his life and you will be alone knowing that he cheated you or stay with him knowing that he cheated but you still have him if you need somebody you can count on him (can you count on him if is not about cheating? That's an other question) You have to make you own decision. If you would be just married without kids live him if you have kids try to work out for the kids they need family if your kids grow up (as yours) is your own decision would you be more happier without him or just because you feel that I don't let everyone step on me I live him and than when your alone your crying out your eyes... you have to know yourself because from proudness people doo lots of stupid stuff. You have to know how you feel about the situation. If you're the person who's going out with yourself and have fun with your friend and you'll would be happy if he is not in your life then be happy but first know yourself before you make decisions... confusing…

I think this is awful and have to say that if you are old enough to react then there is life in you yet!
Send him a picture of clean underwear ( no body inside of course ) and title it " I believe you owe me an explanation "
This way he knows that you know and you avoid the sickening feeling of picturing these woman in your head while confronting him.
If this is something he needs like the others have mentioned then you need to come to some kind of agreement with your husband. Although I am quite sure that if he knows that you know about them then the excitement of this action won't be so glamorous anymore, it will become dirty and deceitfull.
If he continues with this and you allow this behaviour then he should allow you to take exclusive vacations on your own or with your friends/kids.
I am also in the stage of wondering what I should do with my relationship. It is hearbreaking but helps to communicate with others in similar situations.
I hope you find your solution.

I would confront him and find out more about what has been going on. It will be painful if he has indeed been cheating on you, as you know from the earlier experience. I know how painful it can be when you think things have been made stronger and then you are literally blindsided by it happening again.

Don't take any action just yet in regard to staying or leaving. Give yourself some time to get over the initial shock, discuss the situation with him, give some thought as to what you want for your life from now on and what course of action will best allow you to achieve that... then you will be better able to make a clearer decision as to what would be best for you.

Your kids are grown, so now is the time to focus more on your wellbeing and future. You may want to stay and work on rebuilding the trust, you may decide now is the time to set out on your own and build a new life for yourself. Either decision will have its pros and cons, and both will not be easy transitions. However, staying and rebuilding will require his full input as well... you won't be able to do that on your own.
I wish you much strength, courage, and wisdom.

Should you stay or should you go?

Seventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
It's not a marriage any more!

That is why you feel it's wrong in your heart and soul. Check this link out I found, it gives in detail the easiest commandment to obey. It is lust, it is empty act, thoughtless, no respect to the spouse when committed and it kills trust completely. No matter what people say, no one could ever really get over being cheated on. It shifts you completely, the hurt is too deep. 30 years! I call it experience.

Seventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery - Analysis of the Ten Commandments

People are saying you'll be alone, if you leave! HA! Forget them! My mother left my father and he cheated twice as well! I am so happy that she did take that big step and walked out. I was young, 4 or so. People say children will have a hard time. Not me, I have no contact with my "father, " and don't care to. The last time I talked to him was when I was 24, I'm 29 now. I refused him as my father, WHY? My mother found someone and my step father is more of a MAN and FATHER than my "birth father" could ever be.

Do NOT stay! You will be sad but take some time to grieve then bring your chin up. I will pray for your happiness.

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Originally Posted by Crista

No matter what people say, no one could ever really get over being cheated on. It shifts you completely, the hurt is too deep. 30 years! I call it experience.

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This is true, being cheated on is a deep cut that never seems to completley heal. I speak from expirence.

How do you know he is cheating?? Dirty pictures is not cheating, it may be slap on the face for you, but it is certainly not cheating. I may have missed something, but how do you know that its his associate?
Unless you forgot to give us some nformation, it seems like huge jumps of assumptions.
You need to know the facts before you can act, and seek advice.
Please ask your husband. The longer you leave it the more difficult it will be, and more awkward.

I am sorry you had to see those pictures I feel so unhappy for you, because I am going to the same thing, but I didn't see pictures I heard them on the phone, after he finished talking to me he thought he hanged up the phone. What I didn't know was that they were together in my truck. Doing the nasty... my heart felt down I couldn't breath I could have died. If it wasn't for my grandson on my lap I don't know what I would have done. Yes we hate them yes we want to do away with them but to find an answer in the internet it's none. I tried for days typing asking questions to see if any of this makes any sense. Yes I also forgive him for his other affair. You think I would have learn we can't change them. I see that now we need to change we need to live and show them that we too are alive. I know it's easier said then done. Look am 51 going to be 52 in Aug 19, 2009. I don't know what to tell you I even went to Brooklyn Tabernacle for spiritual help. It helped for a few days because it allowed me to cry and cry. It didn't help me I can't get their voices out of my mind. What I can tell you is that one day I was on the LIRR an a strange man seat next to me and said: look it can be all that bad I looked at him and was ready to give it to him when I saw a man with a look that looked that he understood my pain. We talked and he said to me go home be the woman that kept him there with you. Forget what happen I know it's not easy give it one more chance but on your terms. Be alive go make yourself more beautiful don't ask anyone for advice go and live. Love yourself and he will see what he lost. You won. God bless be happy then he left. I went home and its still hard because it was just this March Friday the 27 at 2:27pm when I heard them. He is so sorry and hurtful that he has cried to my adult children and asked them for their forgiveness, but they told him NO YOU NEED TO MAKE OUR MOTHER HAPPIER THEN EVER BEFORE. Yes it's not easy but am trying I even went on a beauty trip boy did it help. Am alive I think one day at a time. If am wrong then can anyone help us.

maria51... I wish you well. There is no one way to handle such a situation. Anyone who experiences it will have to find what works for them... what allows them to deal with the hurt and anger... determine what they can live with and what they can't. There is no time limit, there is no formula to follow.

I hope you and your husband are able to rebuild the trust and commitment to your marriage.