Ask Me Help Desk - Is this how it's supposed to be?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 1 year. I've never felt this way about anyone before, I knew I wanted to marry him the first week we spent together. What we had at first was SO special, but I don't know what happened. We fight every couple of weeks.. Big fights. I don't yell or lose my temper really, I'm more of the apologizing and crying type. He always calls me stupid and a slut when we are fighting. I'm not the least bit permiscuous, and he knows it hurts me so much when he calls me that. Somehow I always end up feeling like it was all my fault, no matter what caused the fighting. He doesn't like it when I talk to other guys so I've dropped all of my guys friends to avoid fighting. He still has his girl friends and says it's different because they're not trying to sleep with him. I have to hide things in my life that are out of my control out of fear of the name calling. After we fight, we never talk about it. When I try to bring it up later by saying things like, "you didn't mean that, did you?" he screams at me again and says I'm starting fights. He never apologizes for anything and constantly tells me he's going to find someone else so I know how it feels to have to compete with someone, but I've never had anyone else that he had to compete with... I avoid all contact with men and always remind him he's the only one and how much I love him. I'm always on pins and needles, I'm scared he's going to say hurtful things if I say the wrong thing, I don't feel like he loves me anymore. Sometimes when he's really upset he tells me he's never considered me a girlfriend and he doesn't love me, he even told me he cheated on me once (then later said he was lying to upset me). I can't even visit my family (the live 45 minutes away) anymore or he accuses me of going on dates while I'm there. The thing is I love him sooo much and I just want him to act like he used to. I want the guy I fell in love with back. Sometimes he's wonderful, but I never know when he'll get mad again. I don't know what to do. He's my dream man aside from all of the jealousy and cruelty, I'm scared to let this go. Is this normal? He's already 35, is he always going to act like this? Please help, I'm breaking down...

No this is not normal, this behavior is only going to worsen, not get better. You need to get out now while your are still physically able. He is too insecure with himself, which is his problem, not yours. You need to give him a choice, either counseling on this controlling behavior or you need to split with him because it's going to get worse.

Get out now. Go no contact. Kick him out of your life. I understand that you care for him, but why should you care for somebody who doesn't care for you? He doesn't deserve you, and you are definitely way too good for him. Ditch him like a bad habit.

The man you met at the beginning was just him putting his best foot forward in order to capture you. He was on his best behaviour.

Now that he has you he isn't trying to put on a face anymore. He's comfortable with the relationship, which is normal. What isn't normal is how comfortable he is getting at your expense. He's now showing you his true self and how ugly he can be. The things you've described are horrible to say to a woman and will only serve to undermine the future of your relationship. I don't see how you can be happy when someone is constantly calling you stupid, slutty and saying that he doesn't love you and cheated on you amongst who knows what else. He is trying to keep you hostage. Don't let his insecurities become your own. I think you should get away from him.

By the way, how old are you?

Ok. You're still so young. Don't waste your youth by being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Like I said, don't let his insecurities become your own. If he says these things to you over and over again, no matter how untrue they are or how smart you are, you will eventually start to believe them. Don't let him keep you down. No one should say the things he has said to you. Also, no one should put up with it.

First of all, you DO NOT need the emotional and mental abuse that you are taking from him. Second, take a step back and look at why you love him. Do you love him for the person that he is, or are you in love with being in love?

Relationships are a 2 way street and supposed to be fun and exciting , this is definitely not the case here and your BF obviously has some big insecurity issues.

Communication is the key and you need to tell him how you feel and he needs to listen and help to fix himself. I mean your not allowed to see guy friends etc. and your always walking on eggshells , that's not the basis for a good relationship and I'm sure you can't or aren't willing to put up with that for the rest of your life right?

If he's not willing to do this then he obviously doesn't value your relationship enough , unfortunately if that's the case it's time to Dump him and find someone you deserve and can be happy with.

Your other posts are obviously related to this issue. Being in this relationship is tainting your view of the other potential guys out there who would treat you way better.

Your current BF has some serious emotional and confidence issues that need to be solved. If he is verbally and emotionally abusing you like this all the time, why do you put up with it and stay with him? This relationship is not good for you. He keeps breaking you down and you take it.

How much longer are you going to this? He is 35 years old and either doesn't trust you or know how to handle your age difference. This will not change overnight if at all.

Go find someone else who will enrich your spirit and emotions rather than batter them with false impressions and insecurities. Find someone who is closer to your own age and at the same place in life as you are. I think you would be a lot better off.

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The thing is I love him sooo much and I just want him to act like he used to. I want the guy I fell in love with back.

The guy you love has a dark side that abuses you.

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Sometimes he's wonderful, but I never know when he'll get mad again. I don't know what to do. He's my dream man aside from all of the jealousy and cruelty, I'm scared to let this go. Is this normal?

Yes its normal for an abuse victim to be scared to let go. You need to let go and get out.

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He's already 35, is he always going to act like this?

No, he will get much worse, and abuse you more, that's why you need to get away from him.