Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. We're both in our mid 20's. He's very affectionate and sweet, but I have a problem with him expressing himself emotionally, he's not very good at communicating and apologises for that, he says he loves me all the time though.
But our sex life is kind of an ongoing problem that gets better and worse, we have sex generally about once every week to 10 days, usually I initiate it. I have a very high sex drive. It gets to the point where I almost feel like I'm forcing him, and that's not nice. We've had this discussion before, and he gets fed up with talking about the same thing all the time and says I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He sometimes gets annoyed and says it seems like all I seem to want to do is have sex and nothing else and that it makes it a chore for him (he later apologised for calling it a chore and said he never meant it like that.)
He insists that he wants me and finds me very attractive and says I'm so silly for ever thinking otherwise, I've actually got pretty upset about it at times because I'm quite insecure and he's been very sweet and tried to show me how much he loves me and wants me.
He does look at porn, maybe once every week or 2? The last few days though I noticed he looked at quite a lot of porn over the last 10 days or so, that kind of worried me.
He says he can only have sex when he feels like it, and sometimes he doesn't feel like it, or feels insecure (why he feels insecure always seems to be a very sensitive issue, but it may be something to do with the fact that he sometimes has an erection problem and sex tends to last about 5 minutes on average.)
It makes it so hard for me though, because he seems to withdraw and get annoyed whenever I get upset about it. I try to explain to him it's not just about "sex" or me being shallow, it's about me wanting to feel intimate and close to my boyfriend. It means SO much more to me. I love him so much. It's so hard talking to him sometimes, I don't know what to do.
Sorry I wrote a novel. :o

I would suggest that you learn to relax and stop being so controlling and needy. Having frequent sex does not mean he loves you more... if you are dissatisfied, you're going to have to get a new boyfriend, not nag your current one. No one likes to be nagged; it is a real sensuality killer and relationship killer.

Best wishes to you in the future, :)

I don't try to nag him, I'm always very kind to him and say nice things all the time. It's actually extremely hard when you're trying to have an honest conversation with someone who has trouble communicating, my problem is that really, he clearly does have a problem but finds it very hard to talk. Have you tried talking to someone who says NOTHING sometimes.
Yes I am insecure, but logically I think anybody would be if they felt like they wouldn't be having sex at all if they didn't initiate it, it can be upsetting, everyone wants to feel wanted.
I may come across as needy, I don't know, maybe it's because I love my boyfriend and wan to work it out.

Are you sure he's not closet Gay? Not being mean or anything. But Choux is right ,don't nag or push, that's the easiest way to push him further from intimacy. It sounds like he dosen't want help and if he won't help himself, then that's his fault and you should move on cause it just isn't going to work

Lol nah he Definitely isn't gay. ;)

Yeh I know what you mean, maybe I have said too much and I know I've made him feel pressured, maybe I am overreacting, but you know when you're feeling something's wrong and you're feeling insecure sometimes you don't react in the calmest and most logical way. It is kind of a little bit of a knock to you ego when your bf's really sweet and affectionate, but then pulls away as soon as you try to be intimate or make out.

It's easy to say, but I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, I'm really hoping it's not that big of a problem for something so drastic, especially when you really love someone.

I don't know what I'm expecting I guess, maybe just a way of getting him to communicate with me better, I think that would help.

Talk to his mom, maybe something happened in the past, bad relationship or something. Just be yourself maybe he'll come around. Good luck !

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Originally Posted by cornerstonehvac

talk to his mom, maybe something happened in the past, bad relationship or something. Just be yourself maybe he'll come around. Good luck !

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I disagree with this advice.

Talking to his mom would be seen (by him) as going behind his back.

Look--he needs to learn to communicate, or your relationship is doomed to failure.

I suggest couples counseling.

My gut feeling here is that this probably will not get better. Counseling may help for a while. Maybe a trip to the doctor for him would be in order. But it seems to me that the bottom line is that he doesn't have your sex drive, finds sex to be a chore of some kind, and doesn't want to talk about why. I think he knows how to communicate; he just doesn't want to, at least not about this.

I know you've been with him for a year and are attached, but look ahead. In a few years, you could be married with kids or just still together. Do you really want to be still feeling like every intimate interaction is extracted from him against his will? If it's like this after a year, it's not going to get better.

Counseling, Yeah I bet he'll do that... NOT if he dosen't want to talk about it , what makes you think he will pay some snotty person who thinks they are better than you to talk about his problems? If he won't talk to her he won't talk to a counseler. If you find that he still won't talk or get intimate then its time to take the last train to Clarksville...

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Originally Posted by cornerstonehvac

Couseling, Yeah I bet he'll do that....NOT if he dosen't want to talk about it , what makes you think he will pay some snotty person who thinks they are better than you to talk about his problems? If he won't talk to her he wont talk to a counseler. If you find that he still wont talk or get intimate then its time to take the last train to Clarksville....

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When the choice is between a counselor and your girlfriend/wife leaving, it's AMAZING how many guys will pony up the time and money for a counselor.

The ones that won't aren't worth waiting around for.

Cloux (the first poster) has a great point which I would like to expand on.

I'm sure you've heard the radio program Dr. Laura. Well time after time when women call and say that their husband isn't interested in sex anymore, or they are looking at porn, or that they are flirting with other women, or even in some cases that they are being unfaithful; Dr. Laura consistently comes back to one point, and that is:

Are you being the best girfriend/wife you can be? Do you make him feel like he's the best thing in your life? Do you dress sexy for him. Do you make him want to come home to you?

Or do you nag, whine, complain and generally make yourself something he wants to avoid?

Rather than trying to change him, try changing yourself into the girlfriend you likely were when you both first started going out. The one he fell in love with. The one he couldn't wait to have sex with.

You remember that girl, be her again; as Dr. Laura would say, do it right now, throw the nagging, ing, whining, insecure girl out the door; and today be the girl he once couldn't wait to come home to.

I don't think your nagging him at all. You have the right to complain if your not satisfied. I don't think this problem has anything to do with you at all.

Your boyfriend has intimacy issues. It may be his size, his performance or lack of performance, something haunting him in his past or a hidden fear.

When this was the issue with my ex boyfriend and I, I tried my hardest to get him motivated to want me but the truth ended up revealing itself at the end. He had deep intimacy issues due to his fear of getting a woman pregnant and having a child with a woman he wasn't married to.

None of my nagging or sexyiness I tried to portray could change the way he felt on the inside. I eventually ended up leaving him because he would not go to counseling or get help.

Couples counseling would be a good idea if you both were having intimacy issues and were married for some years, but its just your boyfriend with the intimacy issues. This is probably something he needs to deal with on his own.

I'm pretty aggressive and open in my relationships. I hate to be secretly unhappy in a relationship so I'd probably end up telling him something like "I'm not satisfied sexually, I need you to work on your intimacy issues or open up to me so I can help you because I dont see this lasting if you refuse to please me..."

A statement somewhat like that should open his eyes to how your feeling because right now it sounds like he's being very selfish. When he made the commitment to be your boyfriend he also accepted the resposibility of loving you ans satisfying you. Don't let him forget that and don't feel bad for reminding him.

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Originally Posted by TexasParent

Cloux (the first poster) has a great point which I would like to expand on.

I'm sure you've heard the radio program Dr. Laura. Well time after time when women call and say that their husband isn't interested in sex anymore, or they are looking at porn, or that they are flirting with other women, or even in some cases that they are being unfaithful; Dr. Laura consistently comes back to one point, and that is:

Are you being the best girfriend/wife you can be? Do you make him feel like he's the best thing in your life? Do you dress sexy for him. Do you make him want to come home to you?

Or do you nag, , whine, complain and generally make yourself something he wants to avoid?

Rather than trying to change him, try changing yourself into the girlfriend you likely were when you both first started going out. The one he fell in love with. The one he couldn't wait to have sex with.

You remember that girl, be her again; as Dr. Laura would say, do it right now, throw the nagging, ing, whining, insecure girl out the door; and today be the girl he once couldn't wait to come home to.

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Lol I'm not an old fat wife yo. Yeh I'm exactly the same person, we've only been together for a year. I EXTRA try and wear nice things and I always tell him nice stuff, as I said, what a lovely boyfriend he is, handsome, sweet, cute, lalala.
I really don't think that's the issue, it's with him and the fact that he's insecure, and me with the fact that I may have taken it too far and can't seem to talk about it or initiate anything without seeming like I'm bullying or pressuring him, which is the last thing I'd want to do.

I think you're right though, I do feel like I have a go at him too much sometimes, but then it's a fine line between having pride in yourself within a relationship and making sure you don't compromise yourself, talking things through etc... and moaning/nagging being too pushy etc... It's dfficult to gage what to do or say for the best sometimes.

But yeah, a lot of you are right, maybe counselling would help, but it's still early days and I hope it hasn't come to that yet. Like Cornerstone said, I think I need to try to get him to communicate with me first, before I resort to that, I'd just like for him to talk to me without thinking I'm attacking him or putting him down, I haven't figured that one out yet. :rolleyes:

I don't think that it is a 'lack' of anything that Nymph is doing, or isn't doing. There is a problem here, and it will take more than her trying harder and some have suggested, or counselling as others have said.

Nymph said this:

it may be something to do with the fact that he sometimes has an erection problem and sex tends to last about 5 minutes on average.

That is a physical problem, and not an uncommon one for men during sometime in their lives. That he is so young and experiences this seems to be the norm rather than the exception, he needs to get to a doctor.

Nympth, your instincts are right on, and you've done everything already to rule out the obvious, and I urge you to try to get him in to see his doctor. It probably isn't a matter of him wanting sex at all, he is probably as concerned as you are that he can't.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I don't think that it is a 'lack' of anything that Nymph is doing, or isn't doing. There is a problem here, and it will take more than her trying harder and some have suggested, or counselling as others have said.

Nymph said this:

it may be something to do with the fact that he sometimes has an erection problem and sex tends to last about 5 minutes on average.

That is a physical problem, and not an uncommon one for men during sometime in their lives. That he is so young and experiences this seems to be the norm rather than the exception, he needs to get to a doctor.

Nympth, your instincts are right on, and you've done everything already to rule out the obvious, and I urge you to try to get him in to see his doctor. It probably isn't a matter of him wanting sex at all, he is probably as concerned as you are that he can't.

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I think you're right. He's aware it's a problem, but he's so gaurded and insecure about it I dread having to suggest going to see a doctor, I know that will hurt him and only make him feel worse. But yeah I guess sometimes honesty is the only way. I think I've said too much recently to address the issue BAM straight away again. When the time is right I'll try and be sensitive and approach with caution. It seems the only way. :S

That's all you can do. I think too Nymph, having been married 33 years myself, there will be periods like this during your relationship, whether caused by a physical problem or not. Sometimes you never have an answer, but the key is not to give up.

When he is ready to talk, no pressure. For men particularly, having a 'problem' is their worst nightmare. It's far better to give him space and when he's ready, you'll know.

I really admire you for caring about him enough to find a solution.

Good luck Nymph.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

That's all you can do. I think too Nymph, having been married 33 years myself, there will be periods like this during your relationship, whether caused by a physical problem or not. Sometimes you never have an answer, but the key is not to give up.

When he is ready to talk, no pressure. For men particulary, having a 'problem' is their worst nightmare. It's far better to give him space and when he's ready, you'll know.

I really admire you for caring about him enough to find a solution.

Good luck Nymph.

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Thanks so much everyone for your advice and encouragement, this is a great board, it really helps to put things in to perspective.

Thanks Jake for your kind words, I think after 33 years of marriage you definitely know what you're talking about, so I really appreciated and valued your opinion on this. I only hope I'm as lucky as you. :)

The conversation got a bit out of hand last weekend, that's why I initially made the post, but as usual, he's being a sweetie so it's all good and hopefully I'll be able to talk with him properly when the time is right. I know he just wants to make me happy, so he deserves my support and patience, he's just finding it very hard to talk about it.

Thanks again everyone. X

If nothing else, try and let things go at his pace for a little while. If he isn't initiating sex, then give him the oppurtunity to, even if that means waiting for a while. After those 7 to 10 days when you usually initiate it he may wonder why you haven't tried to do anything with him. If he doesn't come to you within 2 to 3 weeks then there is definitely a problem and you need to deal with that.

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Originally Posted by Nymph101

Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. We're both in our mid 20's. He's very affectionate and sweet, but I have a problem with him expressing himself emotionally, he's not very good at communicating and apologises for that, he says he loves me all the time though.
But our sex life is kind of an ongoing problem that gets better and worse, we have sex generally about once every week to 10 days, usually I initiate it. I have a very high sex drive. It gets to the point where I almost feel like I'm forcing him, and that's not nice. We've had this discussion before, and he gets fed up with talking about the same thing all the time and says I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He sometimes gets annoyed and says it seems like all I seem to want to do is have sex and nothing else and that it makes it a chore for him (he later apologised for calling it a chore and said he never meant it like that.)
He insists that he wants me and finds me very attractive and says I'm so silly for ever thinking otherwise, I've actually got pretty upset about it at times because I'm quite insecure and he's been very sweet and tried to show me how much he loves me and wants me.
He does look at porn, maybe once every week or 2? The last few days though I noticed he looked at quite a lot of porn over the last 10 days or so, that kind of worried me.
He says he can only have sex when he feels like it, and sometimes he doesn't feel like it, or feels insecure (why he feels insecure always seems to be a very sensitive issue, but it may be something to do with the fact that he sometimes has an erection problem and sex tends to last about 5 minutes on average.)
It makes it so hard for me though, because he seems to withdraw and get annoyed whenever I get upset about it. I try to explain to him it's not just about "sex" or me being shallow, it's about me wanting to feel intimate and close to my boyfriend. It means SO much more to me. I love him so much. It's so hard talking to him sometimes, I don't know what to do.
Sorry I wrote a novel. :o

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Hey I have to ask, what happened? I am in the same situation (it is just brewing) and I was just wondering since this was a few months ago, what is going on now? I feel it is worse because it made me self conscious so I don't even want to initiate anything with him because I don't want to get "shot down" because it happens, and I notice the porn on the computer I never mentioned that.. . lol

My ex and I had the same problem but she was the one who had a very low sex drive... also she wasn't very good in bed, but I still loved her with all my heart, it didn't matter. She did have some insecurity issues that made her feel uncomfortable with her body (though I don't know why.) She was beautiful.