Ask Me Help Desk - Just sex or is it something there?

Hello, I'm new to this site so first let me say thanks in advance for any help that you can give me.

My problem is this: There is this guy that I am I guess you can say "good" friends with. I met him my sophomore year in high school, so its been roughly 5 years. I guess you can say we are more like aquainteces. We never really talked outside of our mutual circle of friends. When I first met him, I thought he was the sexiest thing on GOD's green earth. I've always had the biggest crush on him, and I'm not sure if he ever knew. Now, he is/was one of those people who could get anybody he wanted, and even if he couldn't it seemed that way. Me on the other hand was one who lacked confidence, and couldn't just bat my eyes and get the one I wanted. So I never thought I could ever get a chance with him. I mean I was just satisfied being his friend and having him know that I exist, even if it was strictly platonic. Well the summer after my freshmen year in college he approached me. I mean we never discussed what this would be, I mean no questions were asked, it was just sex. I mean maybe that's where we went wrong, not putting a label on what this was. In the beginning, it was cool, I mean I could settle with just sex. Mainly because that's what I assumed it was, I put my feelings aside and just went with the flow. Well, I started getting confused about everything because, one night before we had sex he told me that I was using him for sex. Now this had thrown me off because we never said what this was. Instantly my feelings started kicking in, and I told him that I wasn't using him. I never told him how I really felt, but I tried to make it as clear as possible that he was more than just sex to me. After our semi-argument about me using him for sex, we had sex and it was never mentioned. That summer we had sex a couple of more times, and then we both went back to school. We texted every once in a while to see how the other was doing, but still never discussed the terms of us. Our next time seeing each other was over Thanksgiving break. I was hanging out with my best friend and cousin, my cousin who is the best friend of the guy. We were chilling in the park when my cousin called him. He came to the park and when he got out of the car I noticed a girl in the car. I know the girl in the car was a girl he had a sexual history with, but seeing that we were never together I felt as though I had no right to be upset that he was with her. And I wasn't. But when my cousin told him that I was in the car, he jumped in and hugged me really tight. We had exchanged numbers because we both had new phones, and he said that we needed to get together and that he would hit me up. We didn't end up hooking up again until Christmas break. This is where the story gets confusing again. He texts me about hooking up, and I tell him that I had to take care of my mother so I couldn't that night. He texted me back about how much he really wants me, and how he is feening for me so bad right now. I mean as far as I know and he never told me any different, he had a girl back at school. Truthfully I never asked if he did or didn't have a girl. But if he has a girl and we are just sex then why is he feening so bad for me? Plus why would it matter if I was using him for sex if he had a girl? After I took care of my mother, and got her settled I texted him and told him I could hang with him for a min. He picked me up and we had sex, afterwards we talked about school, and then he dropped me off at home. Now we are friends on one of those sites like bebo,myspace,Facebook... etc. And he has been putting up status' that sounds like he is talking to and about me. Since I felt that he was referring to me in his status' I started writing my status' about him. It seems like we are talking back and forth through our status' about being together, but something in the back of my mind telling me that he is talking to someone other than me. I wrote a note about my feelings about him and tagged him in it. There is NO way he can't know that its about him because he is the only one tagged in it, and the only one who can view it. He never commented on it, but he wrote a status that sounds like a reply to it. I then wrote a message to him asking him what I meant to him. I asked him if there was something between us or if we were just sex. He didn't even reply to the note, he just wrote a status that said that Klark Kent wants you to be his Lois. (He has a thing about Superman) I mean it seems like it could be to me, but like I said he has always had girls and something's telling me he's talking to someone else. I mean my feelings for him has only grown, and I am truly at the point that I really want to be with him, I mean I believe with all my heart and soul that I have fallen in love with him. I've talked to my friends and they all say the same thing, they say I should call him and really talk to him. That is easier said than done, because every time I begin to dial his number, I lose my breath and every word that I planned to say to him. Could I be reading too much into all of this, or could he really be feeling me and too shy to just come out and say so. Could it be that he is really talking to me or does it seem that way because I want him to be talking to me? I mean really we are too old to be playing cat and mouse (he is 22 and I'm 20) but I am just to shy too bring myself to say something, plus he doesn't come off as a person to play around with something he wants. If someone could offer some type of advice, or anything at all I would be so grateful. Thanks for taking the time to read all of this, and to help me with my problem.

I hate to say this but this guy sounds like a player and I have known a few in my lifetime. If he were into you, he would tell you directly, heck you even asked him straight out and he didn't answer. That's your answer right there. I say, hard as it may be, move on, in fact run in the other direction cause this guy is trouble.

This only seems like a sexual relationship and it's obivious that this guy doesn't want anytihing else for you but sex. That whole bit about his telling you that your using him for sex was just game and probably just to see your reaction to pretend that he cares about you.

Why are you putting yourself through this? Leave him alone and stop having sex with him unless you want to continue allowing yourself to be used.

He's a taker and your letting him because of his looks and your feeling for him even from the past. If you think you've low self-confidence than work on it and build yourself up but in the meantime don't settle in the hopes of you changing someone else.

Thank you for helping me. And I see and understand both of you guys points, but how do you just get over someone when they have your heart. I mean even if he is not who Im supposed to be with forever or even for this month, how do I get my heart back?

I wanted to be sick when I heard that he asked YOU if you were using him for sex.. the guy I was hooking up with kept saying that to me and since I had feelings for him I would be like no way.. but in reality when I take a step back and look at it, it's the stupidestt line to turn it around and make them look like they are the ones caring. I'm 20 too and I know where your coming from... About getting your heart back, right now I'm trying to get over that same person as u described and I just try to keep busy. Like right now I have all this free time on my hands and I start thinking too much and get upset.. but during the day when I'm busy I don't think about it as much. I guesss it just takes time =/ screw guys! And ignore him if he tries to talk to you and that will definitely get his attention! Even though he doesn't deserve you!

I think that your heart has had some help from your hormones cherie. When women have sex they produce 10 times the amount of men the hormone that makes us want to bond with our partners. The first time, the only time, or even every time you have sex with someone who is familiar to you-- you will bond with them in some way.

So I can appreciate that you feel that he has your heart, but I think that you might be blowing it out of proportion. You classify him as "an aquaintance" and qualify your relationship as "no questions asked-- just sex". So it seems that you have a handle on exactly what the relationship meant to both of you. It also appears that you might have put him on this pedestal based on his looks. The relationship was just that: sex and nothing else. The two of you didn't even really TALK. Seems like the closest you got to it was arguing.

That being said, I understand and don't mean to poo-poo your feelings for him. I just think that they are mis-placed and confused with your idealized version of him in your mind. Sex muddies the waters and creates feelings. You've always admired him and he preyed upon that from where I sit. Shame on him.

If you really ARE confused ask him directly. However, I don't think you'll get an honest answer from him. He has already accused you of "using him" when it is obvious that you were both using each other. I think his accusation was a little bit of an indicator that he feels guilty for doing exactly the same thing to you. Don't delude yourself into thinking that you are in love and "meant to be" with this guy. It doesn't appear that he has the same sentiments about you.

Spontaneous sex sounds romantic, and hot-- the aftermath and confusion is often not so awesome. If you still think that the two of you are soul-mates I suggest going out to a movie and coffee after. Talk to the boy and see if you have anything in common.

So, you have options. If you think you can have a bootie call with this womanizer and NOT lose yourself to your emotions then go for it. I guaruntee he won't pass on the opportunity because this guy sounds like he's a predator.

If you feel too emotionally wrecked dealing with the intense sensations of this on-off fling of yours then avoid sex with him after this point. It is too much of a hassle. Find someone who admires and idolizes you as much as you do them.

I promise you'll be better off.

Cheers!

I thank everyone for their answers. To Pink: I understand what you are saying, but I want to clarify that he is NOT a bad person. I admit you have a point and what I'm feeling may just be because of the fact that I admired him and we had sex. I mean my best friend has said that also, but I don't want it to seem like the only time we talked we argued. I mean we didn't have heart to hearts, but we had normal conversations. When I said we didn't talk I meant like we didn't call each other up on a regualr and hold conversations. It has been many times where we conversed about things other than sex. But I do appreciate everyone's response and I thank everyone for taking time to help me.

Well first off sweetheart, please don't take this as me trying to be cruel, but as a guy that used to play the same type of game this guy is playing with you, there is nothing there but the sex. One thing about a guy is they'll never say no to sex and if we have to play dumb to get it so be it. I actually played the same game with a sex partner I use to have a while ago, it's called bringing the question or accusing the individual before it's done to me, sort of like the famous quote "beating you to the punch." Meaning sooner or later he knew you would question what you guys have between you two or telling him you feel like he is using you for sex, so the best way to avoid that for a guy is by bringing it up yourself, that's the oldest trick in the book sweetheart. Take it from me there's nothing there but sex. This guy is far from being shy believe me, I played that game too. It's called reassuring your sex buddy that your not a scum, it's that simple. So if he can continue getting the without committing to it, that's what he'll do. I am going to tell you the same thing I tell my sisters, in order for you to gain a guy's respect and eventually his heart, is by making him respect your mind as an Individual, a guy will not see you as wifey material by getting the whenever he pleases. Believe me sweetheart he is not trying to keep in touch with you because of your friendship or because he really wants to be with you, he's making sure he keep his F/B around esp if the nana is that good or he has you doing whatever he pleases in bed. And really sweetheart you can't blame the guy, it's just in our nature Because if he really saw you as his girl or wifey material he would've had you as his girl a long time ago, but just like any ordinary guy why have you as his girl when he is already getting the without any label, shoot now he can have you as an f/b anytime he chooses and still be able to scout around. Once again please don't take this as a bad response, just being honest with you. I am pretty sure you know the truth, but you just hoping or want to believe he really want to be with you knowing that's far fetch from the truth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mergilles04

Well first off sweetheart, please don't take this as me trying to be cruel, but as a guy that used to play the same type of game this guy is playing with you, there is nothing there but the sex. One thing about a guy is they'll never say no to sex and if we have to play dumb to get it so be it. I actually played the exact same game with a sex partner I use to have a while ago, it's called bringing the question or accusing the individual before it's done to me, sort of like the famous quote "beating you to the punch." Meaning sooner or later he knew you would question what you guys have between you two or telling him you feel like he is using you for sex, so the best way to avoid that for a guy is by bringing it up yourself, that's the oldest trick in the book sweetheart. Take it from me there's nothing there but sex. This guy is far from being shy believe me, I played that game too. It's called reassuring your sex buddy that your not a scum, it's that simple. So if he can continue getting the without committing to it, that's what he'll do. I am going to tell you the same thing I tell my sisters, in order for you to gain a guy's respect and eventually his heart, is by making him respect your mind as an Individual, a guy will not see you as wifey material by getting the whenever he pleases. Believe me sweetheart he is not trying to keep in touch with you because of your friendship or because he really wants to be with you, he's making sure he keep his F/B around esp if the nana is that good or he has you doing whatever he pleases in bed. And really sweetheart you can't blame the guy, it's just in our nature Because if he really saw you as his girl or wifey material he would've had you as his girl a long time ago, but just like any ordinary guy why have you as his girl when he is already getting the without any label, shoot now he can have you as an f/b anytime he chooses and still be able to scout around. Once again please don't take this as a bad response, just being honest with you. I am pretty sure you know the truth, but you just hoping or want to believe he really want to be with you knowing that's far fetch from the truth.

But its not like Im doing anything extravagant when we together. He like to do the most. Its like he get pleasure in pleasuring me... he never wants to get pleasure. So that's another thing that's throwing me off... I mean I can see if I was getting all down and dirty with him but Im not. So if he using me, and with all of my replies saying the same thing I'm starting to believe that he is, why not get pleasure for himself?

To answer that question for you sweetheart, he is actually getting pleasure out of it, anytime a guy catch an orgasm that's pleasure enough. With that said you just have to understand the rules behind keeping a woman coming back as a f/b, the rule is make sure she get more out of the sex than us guys in that case which would be him, you got to understand sweetheart, the average guy really don't know how to please a woman, one of the rule is to make sure your doing more than enough to keep her confuse and keep coming back regardless of the situation. I am the type that will go above and beyond to please a woman as long as it don't require me to do anything that's gay like, not that I have anything against gay people, but that's just not me. Believe me, he probably kiss you like no other guy has, take his time with every inch of your body and each time do something differently to you whether it may be a position, a massage as four play anything that'll have you feeling like "damn". It's just part of the game sweetheart. Any guy that knows anything knows, the secret of keeping a f/b is not only to sex them real good, but to do things to that woman's body that she seldom experience, something that will confuse the mind and have the body yearning for more. And the most important thing is to always make sure the sex is all about her, to confuse her to the point where she feel as if she's getting the better end of the deal. Fellas please forgive me, I am not trying to give our secret away, but I have a daughter too, so I had to start looking at things, women in particular as more than just an object. So yes sweetheart it is a challenge most men such as myself love to take, and honestly the most rewarding part is having a woman such as yourself dazed and confuse, because that's just mean, you'll always come back. Regardless of the circumstances. But the real truth is this sweetheart, regardless of what anyone of us in here tell you, the ultimate decision will be left up to you and believe me it'll be a very hard decision to make.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mergilles04

To answer that question for you sweetheart, he is actually getting pleasure out of it, anytime a guy catch an orgasm that's pleasure enough. With that said you just have to understand the rules behind keeping a woman coming back as a f/b, the rule is make sure she get more out of the sex than us guys in that case which would be him, you gotta understand sweetheart, the average guy really don't know how to please a woman, one of the rule is to make sure your doing more than enough to keep her confuse and keep coming back regardless of the situation. I am the type that will go above and beyond to please a woman as long as it don't require me to do anything that's gay like, not that I have anything against gay people, but that's just not me. Believe me, he probably kiss you like no other guy has, take his time with every inch of your body and each time do something differently to you whether it may be a position, a massage as four play anything that'll have you feeling like "damn". It's just part of the game sweetheart. Any guy that knows anything knows, the secret of keeping a f/b is not only to sex them real good, but to do things to that woman's body that she seldom experience, something that will confuse the mind and have the body yearning for more. And the most important thing is to always make sure the sex is all about her, to confuse her to the point where she feel as if she's getting the better end of the deal. Fellas please forgive me, I am not trying to give our secret away, but I have a daughter too, so I had to start looking at things, women in particular as more than just an object. So yes sweetheart it is a challenge most men such as myself love to take, and honestly the most rewarding part is having a woman such as yourself dazed and confuse, because that's just mean, you'll always come back. Regardless of the circumstances. But the real truth is this sweetheart, regardless of what anyone of us in here tell you, the ultimate decision will be left up to you and believe me it'll be a very hard decision to make.

I really appreciate ypu being so honest... You right it is a hard decision to make. But Im one of thoes people who starts paying attention when like seven different people are saying the same thing. I can understand what u mean about dazing us... because if its good enough we can become matized... lol. Im going to try to stay away from him. It will be hard but I can't stay playing fool... thank you for everything

Quote:

Originally Posted by MzRene

I really appreciate ypu being so honest...You right it is a hard decision to make. But Im one of thoes people who starts paying attention when like seven different people are saying the same thing. I can understand what u mean about dazing us...cuz if its good enough we can become matized...lol. Im going to try to stay away from him. It will be hard but I can't stay playin fool...thank you for everything

Your welcome sweetheart, just be a bit more confident, and remember there's someone out there for everyone despite what we may think, you just have to be patient and take that into consideration. And really staying away from him is not the best answer. We as humans tend to runaway from our problems, you just have to face him and realize that he's job is to tell you whatever he thinks that'll keep you coming back.

As hard as it is to hear it... I think that the gentleman above me is giving you advice that should be listened to.

Just to clarify: I don't think that this boy is a bad person. I just think that he knows where the gettin' is good (if you catch my drift).

There is a saying down here in Texas. If there is a fat cat (your boy) getting all the cream for free out in the barn (the bootie call that you are providing X number of times) then why would He ever come to the house to get some cream? (i.e. commit to you in any real fashion)

I know you would like there to be more to this relationship, but in order for any true feelings to blossom you have to do it outside the bedroom.

Good luck to you.

The best players come off as nice... the wannabe playas you can see right through... They're only a playa if what they do works...

PS: it's funny how girls sometimes complain about how they want a guy but he is just using them... it is the girls that sleep with a guy that make him what he is... he must be doing something "right" that attracts them... you can't be a playa without women who want you... There are plenty of guys that would do what you're guy is doing if they had the "skills" to pull it off...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poseidon934

PS: it's funny how girls sometimes complain about how they want a guy but he is just using them...it is the girls that sleep with a guy that make him what he is...he must be doing something "right" that attracts them...you can't be a playa without women who want you...There are plenty of guys that would do what you're guy is doing if they had the "skills" to pull it off...

I never came out and said that he is using me. I said that because of everyone is saying it seems that way. I realized that no one is to blame in this situation. There wasn't anything said as far as what we were to each other. I should have treated it like it was nothing instead of going off the deep end. I still say that he is NOT a bad person. Our wires just got crossed. He is not a dog, or a so called player he is a very sweet person. And a verry good friend/aquaintance.

Hey, I'm not trying to say he is a bad person... not at all...

I don't think taking free sex makes someone bad or good... I'm just saying that obviously your friend is attractive in many ways and what attracts you to him is probably what attracts others and allows situations like this to occur...

What I meant is that players come off as nice, because it is that fact they do have a caring side that may attract so many girls to them... sometimes they just don't know what they want or don't necessariliy know what they want and it is sometimes hard to honestly communicate with someone when you are a nice guy and don't want to hurt someone's feelings...

So I guess just figure out what you want to happen, let him know, and then decide for yourself what is best for you and your well being...

Plain and simple someone can only get away with what you let them get away with... I'm not really sure what part you don't understand...

And sometimes a nice person ends up "playing" someone because you allow them to get away with it. Just stand up for what you want in any relationship.