I lied to my friends and its killing me now. Sorry for the long story
Okay, a year ago my two closest friends got boyfriends. (seriouse ones) And I've never really been the one out of my friends to date a lot. An occasional date but no seriouse relationships. But that's all beside the point.
My friends and I were all around the ages of 14/15. I was also very close with my one cousin who was also my age. She had been sexually active for about a year with many different boys but having sex with each of them a lot. My cousin and I had always been very close and among many reasons (not the sexually active part in particular) I looked up to her and I guess in some ways wanted to be like her. Which brought on the lie...
My friends and their boyfriends were beginning to have sex after a few months. And I guess to be honest I was feeling a little out of the loop. Like my friends were moving on and finding new things to talk about and I wasn't really able to relate to their stories. So after a while I told my one friend that I had lost my virginity to a boy I was talking to. ( I really was talking to a boy but just not having sex with him) We had "hooked up" only twice and it never went below the waste. And quite frankly It never did with any boy. So in every sense of the word, I was a virgin. And still am. I also told another boy (who I began talking to a few months after the other boy and I stopped talking) that I was no longer a virgin. I had no intentions of being sexually active with the other boy though. The only person in my school who knows the truth is a boy who I trust very much that I've been friends with since middle school.For a while I was happy with my lie because I got to give sex advice I'd heard before and use sex stories I also heard and exchanged them with my friends. But now I feel utterly embarrassed and wish I could take it back.
That's what brough on this post. None of my friends know I lied but I feel guilty for lying to them and really regret it. I worry that sooner or later I will meet a special guy and he will have heard the story I claimed was true and I will have to explain to him the truth and he will be discusted by my lying and tell my friends which will eventually lead to them not liking me anymore. Or he will be fine with it but I won't be able to share that special story with my best girlfriends. Or the horrifying situation of me getting caught in a lie and in all the different situations getting made fun of, losing close friends, and just being completely mortified by embarrassment.
All of my friends even my newest ones all have boyfriends and they all try setting me up with their boyfriends friends. I'm nervouse I may find one of them interesting and have to deal with another one of the problems above... Itsa huge mess.
I know what I did was stupid and wrong and I shouldn't have to worry about fitting in amongst my friends because if they were my real friends it wouldn't matter either way. But I still feel foolish and am desperate for advice...