We are hosting a wedding in Philadelphia for our daughter. The groom's family is from Iowa. The week after our Philadelphia wedding August 14, the groom's family is hosting a barbecue style reception for 300 - a down home affair for a few thousand dollars. Our affair is more formal and at their request is in a downtown Philadelphia hotel. They want to experience historic Philadelphia ( we live ine the suburbs and would save a ton of money if we held it near our home). We were planning an affair of 150-180 guests at the most. The reception alone is in the $25000-30000 range. We have limited our list to immediate family and close friends to about 85-90 and we want to split the rest with our daughter, future son-in-law and his family. His mother is insisting that both invitations go in one envelope and that their 300 guests are invited to the Philadelphia wedding. I think that is absolutely ridiculous as we cannot host their 300 people and they are having their own reception a week later. We have no say about their reception. They have not offered to pay for their guests in Philadelphia because they are hosting their own reception in Iowa. What do we do!! HELP!! Barb

Be straight forward about it. You can be firm but polite. Something along the lines of "that sounds like a great idea, but unfortunately hosting that many people is just too much out of our budget and we can't afford it." that's their cue to either shut up about it or start helping with the costs.
And I'm just wondering, why are they trying to make so many decisions? What do the bride and groom want?

You are going to have to be very firm on this, I agree with justcurious 100%

Tell the Groom's family, that they have been invited to the wedding, that you are hosting at an already huge expense, and you are going to have stick to the original limit, for both families. I would ask them to confirm the number of guests within the limit, as soon as possible.

It is not a joint affair. They are two separate events. YOUR event is your call, and not open to discussion.

How these people get the idea that they can piggyback on your dime in the first place is beyond me.

And the reason why a small close family only event is always the best.

Your event, your plan, just tell them what you are doing tell them sorry but this is not a issue for discussion

I actually wanted to bring up a new point of view. Are you following standard wedding ettiquette? If so it is tradition that your side pays for the reception. However I don't see any problem with asking them to limit their side of the guest list to the same number as yours.

Go with that and speak to the bride, your daughter, who should be involved in the guest list.

Have there been any positive changes in this situation thus far?

I think it's wonderful that you're doing so much to support your daughter's wedding. No doubt you love her very much.

I just came across this thread for the first time, but I am wondering if your very involved role in this could come to bite you later on. You definitely don't want to get between a family and his son, even if it's only in their eyes. I think it's fair to have a budget. Few people don't need one. You should be explaining your financial contribution to your daughter. It should be her responsibility to communicate these details to her fiancée. if you and her fiancée are very close, you can have this conversation together.

As I see it, the next step shouldn't be for you or your daughter to take. I think that her fiancée should be the one speaking to his parents. If there are issues, I'll bet there will be much less likelihood for the parents to hold a grudge with him than there would be if you or your daughter said something that made them feel like they were not being considered equally. Sometimes it has more to do with perception than anything else. Do not make them resent you! You should be bonding, not fighting over the details of a party.

Something else comes to mind. I realize that you're paying for the Philadelphia wedding, but I was pretty surprised to read that you and your husband have decided on the first 80-90 guests, leaving what's left for the bride and groom. 80-90 people is like a wedding unto itself. That's a whole lot of people for them not to have chosen independently. I understand the family side, but are the friends your friends or their friends? Unfortunately, few weddings can include everybody that's significant in some way or another. As this is really about the bride and groom, I think that they should be the only ones to decide who should be invited. You can sit down with them to explain why you think so-and-so should be invited as well, but don't "make" them respect your preferences, use intimidation, put them on a guilt trip, or threaten them on the money side because you're the ones ultimately paying for the reception. What you're offering is wonderful, but (at least in my opinion) it should be given as a gift to them, not riddled with red tape or booby traps. Weddings can get that way. This should only be a happy occasion.

Lastly, if the other parents want to experience downtown Philadelphia, perhaps it would have been a better idea to plan a time just for you and them to see the sights and so on. That way you wouldn't have to spend significantly more to take all the guests into the Philly experience.

Having gone through this same thing with my 2 daughters...

I suggest that you very openly share the math, something like this:

You have a limit of 180 people, based on your budget, the size of the venue, etc.

From that you subtract the wedding party, both sets of parents, siblings, and grandparents. That leaves 160 (I'm making these numbers up, but bare with me). Next you allocate a number for the bride and groom's common friends - say 40. That leaves 120. You divide that 120 by two, meaning each side gets 60 invitations which they can use for the rest of their family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) and family friends they weant to invite. That's it. By keeping it open and above board everyone sees that the limits apply to both sides. Be firm - there is a temptation to invite a few more, especially if you "know" that some won't be able to come, but be careful because once invited you can't take it back.