Ask Me Help Desk - He doesn't look at me anymore

The one thing that I cannot change myself but I can see hurting our opportunities for intimacy and sex is that he doesn't look at me, notice me anymore. I feel like I am doing everything a woman does naturally to entice a man. I can walk around naked, use sexual inuendo, act provocatively, touch, caress, and flirt and he is absent to all of it. Then when we go to bed after an hour of ignoring every single attempt to be noticed and appreciated as I crave to feel sexy in his eyes, he says, "when are we going to have sex again?"

I am horny, in fact I want him everyday. I quite literally throw myself at him and he doesn't even notice. He treats me like the star wars movies, he watches them thousands of times but he just fast forwards through the boring stuff to watch the action he likes, well he is fast forwarding through me and my sexual needs to get to what he wants.

I want him, I desire and stare at him. I can just look at his hair, mouth, eyes, hands, and body and feel electricity in me. He barely glances at me and wants me to put out and make the first move because I have turned down sex a couple times in the last few years, since our two children (4 and 11 mos), sometimes I just can't force myself to feel sexy when he demands it. Why should I be short changed because I am nothing new to look at or appreciate to him. A woman is a flower to be smelled, touched, admired. I feel like a dead old flower he keeps in a book to perform some ritual with but that is not alive to him, just an ingredient to be used and put back on the shelf.
I am still beautiful, thin, healthy, strong and sexy, I turn myself on, why can't I get him to look at me anymore, make me feel like I am HIS woman.
Its 12 years this November, have I expired, past fresh, old and stale, because if so I will find someone to look at me again. I know I need this, but I only want it from him, for now anyway.

Hi, Tame2772!

The way that you write to express yourself is beautiful! I'm sure that you would make a fine poet and/or songwriter! I really mean that!

You've written quite a bit here about your situation. But, have you just flat out openly discussed your wants and feelings with him? You don't mention that, so I'm wondering...

Thanks!

Any chance you are being too subtle? Its possible that he views your hints as you just trying to feel sexy. Try climbing on top of him and just going for it. :)

Have you thought about the possibility that he does see and understand your attempts at getting him to notice you. I'd say it is as obvious as can possibly be.

Perhaps there is something else going on, that has nothing to do with you, but is affecting his sex drive. Could it be stress from work, debt, pressure to 'perform'?

If he had a healthy sex drive and has suddenly taken a dive in that department, there has to be a reason for it.

Maybe your expectations are something he cannot fulfill due to reasons you are unaware of.

Either way, it would be nice if the two of you could just talk and address the issue, and find common ground in understanding why he refuses sex, and why you feel neglected and hurt.

When is the last time he had a checkup.

Good luck with this frustrating situation, I hope you find answers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Any chance you are being too subtle? Its possible that he views your hints as you just trying to feel sexy. Try climbing on top of him and just going for it. :)

This is a good point.

You walk around wanting to feel sexy, then he says when are we going to have sex.

Which means he wants it, but not when you are trying to be sexy. Is the problem that it has to be at that moment when you are being sexy?

I think there are some other insecurities.

Just jump his bones :)

I wrote last week about how my husband doesn't look at me anymore. I received many answers suggesting I just jump his bones without being noticed or appreciated as a woman. So I did, I will try anything at this point.

When we met we had sex a lot, like many new couples. After a couple years it became less. I noticed a pattern which I have mentioned to him but he takes it as a blame and rejects it outright. After we have sex he rejects me physically. He stops petting, cuddling, caressing heck even touching his foot to my leg in his sleep. It is most noticeable immediately after sex. Sex ends, he cleans up within seconds and is gone either to the TV or some other activity or to sleep.
I feel so empty when I finish sex because I want to stay close and feel the connection and instead I feel alone because I am alone. He moves as far away in bed and sleeps like he is hanging off the side. Over the days he slowly works his way back and by the time a week has gone by he is cuddling me and touching me in his sleep, wanting me and I enjoy those couple of nights and days of closeness before sex happens and then distance replaces the love and the pattern repeats week after week after week for years now, at least 8 years.

He tells me he masturbates everyday because I reject sex everyday and he has to wait until I am desperate for it before sex happens or he will be rejected by me. I never knew until yesterday that he masturbated everyday. I have no way of knowing because he shows no signs of sexual interest for days after we have sex. I find this odd because I find myself most aroused the day after sex and start to flirt and engage him in talking and reminising about our most recent sexual experience, he is distant and uninterested in my sexual memory dialogue which I would like to lead to touching and eventually more sex. He complains but he only wants the sex not the intimacy.

Is it possible he just doesn't love me anymore, but wants to have sex and doesn't want the hassle of separation and dating and finding a regular sex partner when he has trained me to go without the nagging responsibility of intimacy and touching. He believes if we separate I will take all his money, all of which he can shove just about anywhere for all I care. I would take a thoughtful and intimate gift that cost less than $10 over all the general, thoughtless and boring gift cards in the world worth $1000.00s. Should I wake up and face the possibility that he keeps me like pet and nothing more?

It may be that he is just taking you for granted.That does not necessarily mean he does not love you anymore.

Long term relationships are tough.They go through ups and downs.

You need to tell him you feel like a piece of meat.I have been there,having been with my guy for almost 12 yr. and I tell him,you know that slam bam thing isn't working for me.

You should also let him know if he were a little more loving you might be a little more available.

Sex that is suffering in a relationship is often just a symptom of something that is happening on a deeper level.Bad sex is just the expression of that.

You must talk or shout or however you can get his attention to discuss this.Your feelings have validity even if they are not what he is feeling what you are feeling has importance and he needs to respect that.

Talk it out and tell him you don't feel loved ,that should get his attention.Then explain what it is you want so there are no misconceptions.He just might be clueless,many men are so be specific on what you want and need.

I think you and he lost communication long ago,

You need to perhaps get counseling to learn to talk to each other, open and honestly. If he has really been feeling rejected, even if not true, it is to him, this can be a major reason why there is a problem

He could just need a break... after sex us guys are just knocked out , take it as a compliment for your sex... or maybe there just needs to be more input on your end after all we all just lose energy after a while

It seems he has emulated you as an object and nothing more and has done so by his own doings. It is not because of you! His masturbating is desensitizing him to an intimate relationship with you. Masturbating is a lustful, selfish act which only leads to a few boring minutes of climax. If you can get him to stop this activity of his, he will find a closer relationship with you. Any form of selfish sex acts such as that is a huge source of sexual disfunction in many marriages. He is missing out on having a passionate relationship with you which is much better than what he is doing. I would try explaining this to him and if that does not work, ask to seek counseling together with him.
When I met my girlfriend she had a "toy" she named Charlie. She benefitted from this while she was single. Charlie was a bit intimidating, but after the first few times of sex with her, she easily threw Charlie away and never looked back. Our sex life has never been an issue. We are the center of each other's desire. Niether one of us looks to any other possibility and because of this we enjoy our passion whether in the bedroom of not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nike 1

It seems he has emulated you as an object and nothing more and has done so by his own doings. It is not because of you! His masturbating is desensitizing him to an intimate relationship with you. Masturbating is a lustful, selfish act which only leads to a few boring minutes of climax. If you can get him to stop this activity of his, he will find a closer relationship with you. Any form of selfish sex acts such as that is a huge source of sexual disfunction in many marriages. He is missing out on having a passionate relationship with you which is much better than what he is doing. I would try explaining this to him and if that does not work, ask to seek counseling together with him.
When I met my girlfriend she had a "toy" she named Charlie. She benefitted from this while she was single. Charlie was a bit intimidating, but after the first few times of sex with her, she easily threw Charlie away and never looked back. Our sex life has never been an issue. We are the center of each other's desire. Niether one of us looks to any other possibility and because of this we enjoy our passion whether in the bedroom of not.

I don't believe masturbation is such a selfish act. It's a normal part of being a male, and having healthy sexual relationships as well. To deny them doing that seems overly controlling. I would never tell my boyfriend that he had to stop masturbating or that it was selfish of him.

I think the best thing the OP can do is to be open and honest with him and see what is the underlying issue. I highly doubt that it's because he masturbates regularly.

You have been together 12 years, so my question is, are there kids involved, and what life do you have outside the home??