I am in a seven-year relationship. My boyfriend has a friend who is an excellent guitar player. I find him attractive and can't help looking at him and talking to him. My boyfriend doesn't feel threatened by this person for the reason that this person is not as well-endowed as he is (my boyfriend has a hangup about this and he knows about his equipment because he grew up with the guy). I know this is laughable reasoning on my boyfriend's part, but there is something about his friend that I find appealing apart from the physical. I think it is because I like musicians. I feel that he knows that I am admiring him and I think it makes him uncomfortable so I have been distancing myself. I think I am doing this because my boyfriend has done some pretty bad things to me in the course of our relationship which I have overlooked.

How do I stop myself from having these feelings or are they normal? I don't think this guy thinks of me the same way anyway and that is okay. Let me know what you think.

Amy

Hi Amy, welcome to AMHD. There are several stages to relationships-- the initial fireworks crazy falling in love part, the negotiating how to really be a couple part, the easing into more ordinary but deeper more satisfying love part, etc. You've had seven years so some of this should be familiar to you, I bet. However I want you to stop and think about this. Comparing what you have with what you might have is a very unreasonable thing to do since you are usually comparing two different stages of relationship to each other. You are comparing what you do have (which is likely well past all the fireworks) with what you might have (which can only start with fireworks).

I think you need to concentrate on being honest in the current relationship about the bad things that are clearly NOT staying overlooked. That means you are in the negotiating stage or need to revisit it and that can be hard work. Some relationships don't make it past that point too. But if yours doesn't--- let it be on its own merit to fail and have nothing whatsoever to do with the appealing friend, okay? I know in some of our worst rough spots, I would have loved to just trade my honey in for oooh, say him or oh, maybe that other guy, he looks good! -- its all very tempting to think like that, you know? But you sound very tuned in. Follow your intuiton, and use the attraction you have felt for him as a BIG clue to how much your current relationship is needing your attention now. Either way, I am supporting the you that is honest and caring, and I hope that helps!

Let what comes of that come -- you will be changed by it one way or the other. And if the relationship ends, think about this too. Better to gauge your feelings for the appealing friend once you are well clear of your current relationship. Take some time off, to think and realise that if there is something there, you two have the burden of a mutual friend to overcome, and that isn't easy. Take time off simply because otherwise you'll be signing up for a very possible rebound relationship and those never work out.

This is very wise input. I feel stagnant in not just my relationship but all other areas of my life and any flicker of change just seems so tempting. I hate to be still and I have designed my life to where that is what I have become, essentially painting myself into a corner where I feel trapped. I think the stillness is what gets me and that is why I feel the way I do about everything and everyone. I feel so alive when I am on the edge but when I get there, I pull back back into the safety zone that I have created for myself. I know I can't have it both ways but that is just how I feel.

Amy

You are right about how you can't have the thrill of the new and the safeness of the old, both! Managing change so we can feel alive without resorting to throwing out the baby with the bath water, so to speak, is challenging. But its worth learning since, well, its our life and our happiness!

Start by making a list (LOL sorry, I am a list maker) of what feels stagnant to you -- no more than ten things, okay? Then go do whatever makes you feel clear headed (I like a hot bath!) and return later to look over the list and pick the top three (the others can come later but need to be parked for now). Next to each of those entries write what small step you will try in order to bring some needed fresh air to it. If needed, show the list to a trusted friend and get their input. If you are uncertain what small steps you can take over a certain thing, ask here. At any rate, I think you need to do some talking with your boyfriend too.

Then start taking steps! You can do it!

Feelings are normal for us but actions take thought. You have not worked through the bad things you've been through and need to go back and put those issues to bed once and for all. Communicate with your boyfriend honestly. Anything can look good when your own life looks bad, so go about getting your life and relationship in order.

Amy,
First off I know how you feel. I have been there. Been with someone while wishing I was with another man.:( It's kind of selfish on our parts right... and you might feel "wrong" for your feelings. Well you shouldn't because your feelings are normal; However I honestly don't think you should push your feelings out the door and distant yourself from the situation that you're experiencing. The reason I say this is because everything happens for a reason. So it is something that is causing you to admire someone else. It could be just plain curiousity, boredom, lust, or more deeper. It could actually be your heart. You admire this man because he's a muscian... but maybe there's more? I'm sure it's something else right?

I understand you are in a relationship but you stated that your boyfriend has did some bad things in the past that has infected your relationship. I'm not saying it's your time to get revenge.. I'm just saying that maybe it isn't nothing wrong with looking in another direction. You have been in a 7 year relationship and it seems that you aren't happy right now.:( When you should be. So something is wrong. You need to be happy... so if admiring someone else will inflict that happiness within you again.. then girl I say admire that man! What's wrong with it. Pursue further if possible. You never know maybe there's something special there. You would never know unless you try. Look I wouldn't tell you this if you were happily married... but you aren't married and you aren't happy! So I say Go find your happiness. You don't have to leave your 7 year relationship! I'm just saying become friends with the other guy. Get to know him. Find out if you maybe like other things about him other than his musical talent:D . In doing so... this will reveal his feelings towards you.

Amy just remember this. Something brought you to this Advice website... You came here for a precise reason. Your heart led you here Amy. You seem like a good person so I bet you were led with good intentions. Just follow your heart OK. Do what makes "Amy" Happy! And in the end you'll be fine. I hope this helps Amy:o

Amy although the above advice is right in so many ways I would suggest sorting out your relationship with your current boyfriend before going to far withthis new guy.
It would be extremely selfish and wrong of you in my opinion to explore too deeply withthis other man before sorting out your current relationship.

Should you feel that you aren't happy with your current man then you should be honest with him and end it. Don't lead him on. No matter what he has done in the past it doesn't give you the right to cheat, or get too involved with this other guy whilst still with him. Two wrongs don't make a right.

And then, even upon ending the relationship with your current man I would strongly suggest taking it very slowly in getting to know this new guy. 7 years is a very long time. Very long. I know. My ex just broke up with me after 7 years.
You need time to overcome this.

I guess what I am saying is that yes it is fine and human nature to admire others. We all do that. But I just hope that you wouldn't consider cheating.

YES. You need to be happy. So follow your heart but just be careful not to play and hurt others in the process!

Good luck and please kep us posted.

No, I would never consider cheating. It is so wrong on so many levels and it is actually not going to fix what is wrong. The person you cheat with is never going to love you and never going to respect you anyway, so why do it? I have always loved my boyfriend even though he has done some pretty horrible things to me, and he has his own problems that I overlook on a daily basis. We have children, one together, he has a daughter from a previous and I have a son from a previous marriage. We don't have the healthiest relationship because of his problems, but, I know it's a lame excuse, I go on for my children. I sacrifice for them,fight for them and encourage them to be better people. I would love for my boyfriend to change but that is a hard thing for anybody to do, and I can't change somebody who doesn't want to change. All I can do is make myself happy in other ways; i.e.. A romance novel, playing with my kids or just admiring someone else. It would be foolish on my part to act on any impulse and being 38-years-old, I think I have lived enough life to know that it would be foolish. I appreciate everyone's input on this board because I never could confide in anyone I know. Too many gossips, if you know what I mean.

If anyone is curious as to what the problems are, he does drink, he accuses me of sleeping around when I don't and would never, he has made up lies about me to his family, and personally I think he would love to keep being the party guy until they day he can't. Responsibility is also something that he has an aversion to even though I can say he will work. He just doesn't like to part with his money in a joint effort to pay bills. I work too and if I didn't, it would be harder around our house than it already is.

Early in the relationship, all this used to hurt me deeply and I would cry all the time and believe me guys I have talked all this out with him. He is just too far gone to accept he's wrong. I have just gotten to the point where I am immune to all the crap and take solace in the fact, that I will have my day in the sun one day when my children are grown. My youngest is six but they grow so fast, you know. I know I am tough woman and I just laugh at all his junk now. He just can't hurt me anymore and he knows it. I have even told him to his face that when our son turns 18, I will be going on a vacation by myself to Venice, Italy (it is my dream) and he will just have to do for himself for once. He just laughs and says "yeah right." He just doesn't realize that I actually am going. Just got to save my pennies, girls.

Thanks again for all your caring and advice, it has been helpful and a great pick me up for my heart.

Amy

So, sad. No one should be in a relationship and be unhappy. Normally I would tell you to get away from him and seek a much happier life, but I won't because you know a secret that most of us don't, You don't let the shortcomings of your mate stop you from being happy with yourself. I admire that, and hope its enough to get you through until a better day. I don't condone the abuse at all. You should not put up with it. But I hesitate to to give you advice that's not what you need. You need trusted friends for those hard times and you want to vent. If you don't have any where you live come back here, we will listen.

You know I am there if your guy ever decides to investigate the drinking problem... but that is all only future possibility at best. Isn't it strange how the ones who I feel a kind of extra kinship with often turn out to be people being affected by a drinking problem -- is that just kismet? I don't think so. More so, I am here for you and I really appreciate the levelheadedness and fortitude you demonstrate here -- wow, we don't see that every day here! Knowing you a little better now, I say to you easily-- you're fine to feel ALL the feelings you feel. I am a listenening supporter too, Amy.

You seem so sad Amy.:( I just wonder when you will be happy again. I understand that the reason you are in the relationship is mainly due to the children... but what I don't understand is why? I hear so many people use the children as an excuse. I just don't get it. I'm sorry. I haven't been there. I'm only 23 with no kids . So maybe I don't know what some people are going through but if it was me I would still leave the relationship, even if I had kids because it doesn't really keep the kids happy... they know it's problems... they may even be in the middle of arguments and fights, and that in turn is a bad environement for the kids to be growing up in. Sometimes its best to leave the relationship even if you do have kids. That's just my opinion though.

Amy you should be happy no matter what... and from what you have told us about your boyfriend... well things don't seem like they will get better unless "HE" is willing to change some things about hisself. Is he willing to change? You seem like the one who's trying to keep things together in the relationship. If things are one-sided then nothing will improve. I'm sorry to sound like a pesimistic person but... just judging from things it seems that way to me. If anyone disagrees with me... please let me know. I hope the best for you Amy. Just keep being a good woman.. do what's right and eventually happiness will come to you.