Ask Me Help Desk - Need space

New here I am recently separated from my kid's mother, just simply fell in love with another woman.started out great than ex started calling and harassing new woman in my life.saying thing's like we are going to get back together,to stay away from our kid's wich limit's my time with new woman she understand's.But now is not sure about my commitment to her because of comment's from ex. Wich has caused friction between us she's not sure of me and upset because of her doubt.wich I am sure is what ex. Wanted to accomplish.now new woman need's space.after mild argument.I know she still loves me.dont should I keep sending affection or step back and let her decide.

This may not be what you were hoping to hear but it's the truth from a little different perspective. I backed out of range from the guy who did that to me and asked that he only return when he gets his ex better contained -- the relationship was too crowded to work, frankly. I felt like I was unnecessarily exposed to her and he did that, not her. Also she ran right over him to get to me and he let that happen too. There's baggage and then there's the whole train... so I just parked him at the train station to sort it out. I could see he needed time to deal with it, if he was going to deal with it at all. I would be concentrating on solving the problem that drove her off rather than sending any kind of affection at this point, if I were you. Just some thoughts that I hope are helpful.

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Originally Posted by marsvenus413

new here I am recently seperated from my kid's mother, just simply fell in love with another woman.started out great than ex started calling and harrassing new woman in my life.saying thing's like we are going to get back together,to stay away from our kid's wich limit's my time with new woman she understand's.But now is not sure about my commitment to her because of comment's from ex. wich has caused friction between us she's not sure of me and upset because of her doubt.wich i am sure is what ex. wanted to accomplish.now new woman need's space.after mild argument.I know she still loves me.dont should i keep sending affection or step back and let her decide.

Handle your unfinished business with your ex-wife or else you lose any future with you g/f. She wants no part of this and she's right to leave you alone to deal with your past. I suggest you control your ex somehow and isulate her from your future.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

This may not be what you were hoping to hear but its the truth from a little different perspective. I backed out of range from the guy who did that to me and asked that he only return when he gets his ex better contained -- the relationship was too crowded to work, frankly. I felt like I was unneccessarily exposed to her and he did that, not her. Also she ran right over him to get to me and he let that happen too. There's baggage and then there's the whole train..... so I just parked him at the train station to sort it out. I could see he needed time to deal with it, if he was going to deal with it at all. I would be concentrating on solving the problem that drove her off rather than sending any kind of affection at this point, if I were you. Just some thoughts that I hope are helpful.

Thank you for reply,but being able to deal directly with my ex. Is tough because she had an order of protection served.But let me assure you it was unfounded no violence was or ever intended to ex. She is angry and it was her way of revenge and to oust me of the home.so no other interaction but discussion about our kid's are allowed.Now new woman had started pulling back affection a little as harassment got worse,but I continued to try to show my feelings for her with hug's and encouraging word's.but she was not recriprocating the same feelings.But continued to call me and show that she does still want a relationship not in word's but in her willingess to see me every time we can (this is prior to need space.)but the fact that she was not showing me physicall affection.started a riff wich began our last fight.now I know she had two relationship where both men went back to their ex's ironically they happened one right after the other.so I know she has her own baggage.my question is 1:how to deal with ex.2:how to deal with new woman scarce affection if we get back together.3:assure that it won't happen like the other's

Did you fall in love with the new woman while still married to X?

I am VERY relieved to hear there has been no violence, but I do have some questions:

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Originally Posted by marsvenus413

So no other interaction but discussion about our kid's are allowed.

If that is so, then how did your ex find out about the new woman? Personal life stuff should not be discussed either direction. If this is an affair you got caught at (nods to Cassie about her good question) -- then I can only say you need to really re-evaluate what you are doing with all women (and to do that kind of evaluation justice, you need to be totally unattached. Sorry.)

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Originally Posted by marsvenus413

Now new woman had started pulling back affection a little as harrassment got worse, but I continued to try to show my feelings for her with hug's and encouraging word's but she was not reciprocating the same feelings.

How is it you are tolerating being harassed? And how did it manage to slop over the line onto the new woman? And again, I can only tell you that I would be saying to myself, WHOA and would not be receptive too much affection either. I reiterate that unless you deal with some fairly serious boundary issues, I don't see much of anything, let alone affection coming your way regardless of how much you encourage with words or hugs.

If this new woman was posting here about a man she likes a lot and who talks nice and cuddles her but lets his soon-to-be-ex wife harass and threaten, we would be advising her to back up A LOT and reconsider even having a relationship... can you at least see that? I hope so. I hope for your sake there is something of a wake up call in this for you. It could be a great life changing experience for you and those always yield great gifts.

But if you are going from woman to woman (and this works the same way when the ladies go from man to man too okay?) never seeing your part in it, you are destined to get the same results. The world really does work that way, I didn't make the rule so please don't shoot me, okay? Failure is an opportunity, an invitiation to learn something. I see a copperplate engraved one here for you.

I really don't mean to sound harsh, but the dilemma here may be that the kind of woman who would put up with the kind of crap you "somehow, accidentally" come with isn't going to be the woman you want -- because she'll come with an equal proportion of "accidental, not her fault" kind of crap herself, and that is what makes for most of the unhappiness in relationships that aren't working. I truly wish for you success but it may take some work here.

First and foremost I'd confront your ex about harassing your girlfriend and order her to stop. If not then the police are notified and a restraining order is applied for. Also criminal charges are pressed against your ex for any explicit threats she makes to you or your girlfriend (e.g. "I'm going to kill you"), whether you feel such threats are "empty" or not. If she does it over the phone then you throw in harassment by phone as well which is in itself a crime. Your girlfriend is probably concerned that you haven't stood up to your ex and are allowing your ex to treat her that way and personally I don't blame her. Dealing with your ex in a decisive manner will probably do a lot to improve your relationship with your girlfriend.