Ask Me Help Desk - Is she cheating?

My girlfriend of 18 months has been acting differently ever since we moved into our new house. I get ss disability and do not work, she works about 10 miles away. We have only one vehicle between us so I am alone at home all day, cooking and cleaning. Anymore she leaves me here alone even after work. Her son lives nearby and her ex husband has recently moved here from about a 1000 miles away, we are in Florida, he moved here from Ohio. Her ex took up residence across the street from her son. She comes home from work and about 3 or 4 times a week has to go to her sons house for one thing or another, usually she is gone at least 2 hours or more, the other day she went there to get a hose nozzle and was gone for 3 hours, this after we both had been there earlier for about an hour. She never offers an explanation.

Tonight, she was to take her son to get party supplies and a few parts we need here for our well, since her pickup is only a two seater, I had to stay at home (again). But! She comes back in a little while with her son and her ex, to confirm what we need for the well. Her son is riding in the back, and her ex is sitting in the truck with her. Her affection level has dropped to about zero since we moved in here, she refers to everything concerning the house as "hers" my this or my that, not ours. The house is in her name, but I was the driving force behind her getting it, it would not have happened without me, I pay the Mortgage and buy the food, she pays the utilities, there is no way she could carry this house without me. Anyway, should I be concerned about her ex? Or am I paranoid?

I would be concerned. Can you drive? Have you talked to her about any of this?

Yes I would be concerned. Ex's need to be X, not someone you are seeing daily.

Talk with her about this.

Ask her point blank.

And since this is your matrimonial home, half of it is yours!

Hi sundance59, listen to everyone here don't get played for one thing I know ex and they don't come back into your life to be your ex, because mine told me he was still in love with me and he wants be to leave my husband to marry him which will never happen. I know if they continue to hang out it's going to be trouble.

Although I can understand her wanting to see her son, I think it is very insensitive for her to be "hanging out" with her Ex so casually, and then coming home to see you with him in tow!

You definitely need to sit down with her and lay out your perspective on her bahviour. Maybe she has simply been unaware of how all these things look when they are added together..

You'll probably have a better idea on what's going on if you calmly and rationally tell her how you see things.

You should definitely speak with her about her behavior. Don't accuse or insinuate anything, just tell her you see a change in her since the move and you'd like to know if there's anything she needs to speak to you about. Is it possible she feels angry that you are not working and home all day while she is out "slaving away"? Not that you don't do anything, but sometimes the working partner may get cross feelings because of it.

A sit down talk is needed Honestly tell her how you feel

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Originally Posted by talaniman

A sit down talk is needed Honestly tell her how you feel

I will, definitely, thanks

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Originally Posted by momincali

You should definitely speak with her about her behavior. Don't accuse or insinuate anything, just tell her you see a change in her since the move and you'd like to know if there's anything she needs to speak to you about. Is it possible she feels angry that you are not working and home all day while she is out "slaving away"? Not that you don't do anything, but sometimes the working partner may get cross feelings because of it.

I will talk with her, not sure how she will take it, but... there was much more I could have said in my post but I didn't want to write a book. As far as my being home, well she knew that going in, I do everything that needs to be done around here. When she comes home, all she has to do is sit and wait for me to serve her dinner. Even with my SS disabilty, I bring in more than she does each month, so it's not a money thing.
I shower her with compliments and affection, but anymore I'm not getting anything back. I wake with her each morning, make her breakfast, prepare her lunch and see her off, make the bed and start about cleaning etc. the house is immaculate when she comes home, I do it all for her, yet it seems to go unoticed or unappreciated. Our sex life is going downhill, I don't sense any enthusiasim or excitement, it's almost like she is just servicing me, something I do not want.

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Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

Although I can understand her wanting to see her son, I think it is very insensitive for her to be "hanging out" with her Ex so casually, and then coming home to see you with him in tow!

You definitely need to sit down with her and lay out your perspective on her bahviour. Maybe she has simply been unaware of how all these things look when they are added together...?

You'll probably have a better idea on what's going on if you calmly and rationally tell her how you see things.

I'll give you an idea how insensitive and uncaring she has been lately, My sister who lived nearby became suddenly ill a couple of weeks ago and passed away quite unexpectedly. When I told her (she never asked how she was) she remarked, "oh no" that was it. Never asked how I was or offered any sympathy or a shoulder to cry on which I needed then, nothing. Then when I said that I would need the truck to go to my brother in laws and see how he was and to help with final arrangements, her concern was that I would not be home in time so she could go the race track to see her son perform in the Demo Derby, I will never forget how she behaved when my sister died. ( Just two weeks ago), never.

I'd be very concerned. Just how much of an 'ex' is he? Are they legally divorced yet? IF so, then I'd insist that he's off limits. He can certainly maintain contact with his son and he can't be denied that but you have every right to be her first and foremost priority and she should avoid even the appearance of impropriety with her ex or anyone else. Confront her about it and observe her reaction. That should give you a big clue as to just how concerned you should be.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

I'd be very concerned. Just how much of an 'ex' is he? Are they legally divorced yet? IF so, then I'd insist that he's off limits. He can certainly maintain contact with his son and he can't be denied that but you have every right to be her first and foremost priority and she should avoid even the appearance of impropriety with her ex or anyone else. Confront her about it and observe her reaction. That should give you a big clue as to just how concerned you should be.

They are divorced, have been for years He disappeared out of her and her children's lives many years ago, then out of no where shows up at her son's house. He never paid any child support. Her son has embraced him and they are seemingly good friends.

That's good they have kindled a relationship but not good for you and your relationship with your G/f. You two need to talk.

I politely disagree with previous posts, as a victim of a serial-cheater wife myself. My answer: Yes, she is. Always trust your instincts, don't second-guess yourself. If she is cheating, she won't give you a straight answer anyway, so I'm not sure why the "honest talk" advice would help. Remember this isn't your failing - it is hers as a person. Protect and value yourself, don't let her harm your self-esteem more than she already has.

When I read over the whole thread, wow, I hate to say it but there isn't much of a relationship there-- it sounds very one-sided. To make it worse, I sense you are being used for the financial support. It's a very sad deal but it happens. Please protect your financial interests if and when this arrangement begins to come apart. I believe what she has shown you in the way of insensitive and inappropriate behavior may well be the tip of the iceberg. I have observed women who do this and they usually cultivate the next "sugar daddy" as the current one comes apart and that may be more of what she is up to than any direct infidelity (although they often use sex as a means to gain the financial support). And the guy being left gets a rude wake up call about who she really is in the end even though he really doesn't want to believe it as he gets taken to the cleaners. If she is like this, it would be in your best interest to help her to create an "exit strategy" since having the means to survive threatened triggers some really intense stuff in breakups. Of course, this is all a guess on my part and I could be wrong, but if I am not--I am so sorry.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

When I read over the whole thread, wow, I hate to say it but there isn't much of a relationship there-- it sounds very one-sided. To make it worse, I sense you are being used for the financial support. It's a very sad deal but it happens. Please protect your financial interests if and when this arrangement begins to come apart. I believe what she has shown you in the way of insensitive and inappropriate behavior may well be the tip of the iceberg. I have observed women who do this and they usually cultivate the next "sugar daddy" as the current one comes apart and that may be more of what she is up to than any direct infidelity (although they often use sex as a means to gain the financial support). And the guy being left gets a rude wake up call about who she really is in the end even though he really doesn't want to believe it as he gets taken to the cleaners. If she is like this, it would be in your best interest to help her to create an "exit strategy" since having the means to survive threatened triggers some really intense stuff in breakups. Of course, this is all a guess on my part and I could be wrong, but if I am not--I am so sorry.

Susan,

Thanks for your insight on this, I have no doubt that she needs me for financial support, I never thought about the notion that she may be cultivating a new "Sugar Daddy" but it makes sense. Actually, I should have never let myself get in this deep, I knew that she had 3 previous marriages and at least 6 or 7 previous live in relationships, she had blamed all the problems on the fact that all of them, with one exception were heavy drinkers and that was why she left all of them. ( I have no real way of knowing who left who). I know that she cheated at least twice, but she told me about only one, I found out about the last time on my own. Since I am about to come into a very substantial amount of money in the next 30 days or so from a class action lawsuit, I would say that my time here is almost at an end. The only thing I am not sure about is how to handle it, should I just leave her a note and not be here when she gets home one day? Or just tell her the night before that I am out of here, I really don't want a scene, I have heart problems and don't need a lot of yelling and screaming and stress, but on the other hand, I don't want it to look like I just packed and ran like a thief in the night.

Yes, I understand, she was probably bad news on some level but too good to be true on another (and you somehow knew all along, I bet -- we always do!) Consider this a good lesson in honoring instincts.

If you really feel you've been had... leave without her awareness (be sure to take what is important to you as you might not get another chance) and leave a note to let her know you'll be happy to meet her at ________(some neutral public place) to talk, if she requires that. You could become at serious risk if you stayed to fight it out. I don't mean to sound paranoid here but she has a son and an ex as resources. I would hope to God you don't end up a story in the newspaper but this is partly how those kinds of things happen, frankly.

How easily can she get out of the house, is it rented, is it sellable? Do you need to give her money to buy some time for her to make preparations? You have some responsibility in having created the house with her and that needs to be addressed somehow, too.

I see you learning the lesson and trying to keep a level head, which is good.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Yes, I understand, she was probably bad news on some level but too good to be true on another (and you somehow knew all along, I bet -- we always do!) Consider this a good lesson in honoring instincts.

If you really feel you've been had.... leave without her awareness (be sure to take what is important to you as you might not get another chance) and leave a note to let her know you'll be happy to meet her at ________(some neutral public place) to talk, if she requires that. You could become at serious risk if you stayed to fight it out. I don't mean to sound paranoid here but she has a son and an ex as resources. I would hope to God you don't end up a story in the newspaper but this is partly how those kinds of things happen, frankly.

How easily can she get out of the house, is it rented, is it sellable? Do you need to give her money to buy some time for her to make preparations? You have some responsibility in having created the house with her and that needs to be addressed somehow, too.

I see you learning the lesson and trying to keep a level head, which is good.

Actually she has two sons, both under the age of 30. As for the house, we saw this house one day in our travels (in better times) it was a HUD foreclosure, she never thought that she could buy it and I convinced her that she could, so I set about helping her buy it, I had it put in her name as I did not want to be incumbered with home ownership in both our names should something go wrong, material things are of no consequence to me. It was a 4 month battle with HUD, at times it looked like it would not happen but I got it done, I know that she would never have got it without me. That's when everything went south, as soon as we moved in here, things changed, no more lovey dovey, no nothing, we don't argue or anything like that because I don't let it get to that point, I don't say anything and let it go when it looks like there may be an argument.

She could not support this house on her own without a 2nd job or someone else moving in, we have been here since May 23rd of this year. I cannot let that fact keep me here, I was married for 39 years to the same gal and stayed in the marriage for the last 20 years of it out of guilt that my EX may not be able to make it on her own as I had been the sole support all of those years, but, she did make it (moved in with our oldest daughter), we are now divorced.

Whether or not she can keep this place will be up to her, she is 52 years old, I am 60, she is in good health and works full time. I hesitate trying to sit her down and tell her that I will leave if things do not change because I feel if she does change, it would not be from her heart, but out of fear or financial need. I don't want a shallow empty relationship built on fear, it just won't work for me, besides, I would always wonder if she is behaving better out of love or not, I could never be sure.

If she comes around, it would have to be on her own, without any prompting from me, I drop suttle hints to see if anything is getting through, but so far nothing.

As for me, I can live on my own, I met her through an internet dating service, it was great in the beginning, but like I said, ever since we moved in here it has gone quickly downhill. We have been together for 18 months, lived together at my place for 5 months before moving in here, in the beginning we both stayed at our own places. Things were great at my place (which I still own), but not here in "her Place". So I think that the note is the way to go, I would leave her a check for one months mortgage payment and after that she will have to figure out what to do, I cannot worry about that. At my age and health conditions, I do not have the time to invest in a bad relationship, if it is not going to get better, than I will get out, hey, if I don't like a movie, I get up and leave, so be it.

Oh I agree that its not good to stay in a relationship that isn't working nor do I advise anything out of guilt whatsoever. I like that you are prepared to move on but would only add this. If you could manage to give her more time than the equivilency of 30 days before her mortgage is in jeopardy, please do so. Even 60 or 90 days, NOT out of a sense of guild but rather a realisation of three important things:

1. She got into that house thinking you would be there to help and to that you have some responsibility-- no matter how she treated you or what hidden agenda took place. You are as much the reason this was rushed into as she is-- please look at that.

2. 30 days is not enough time to either round up a roommate, land a decent second job (especially for someone who is 52) or refinace a house so if you have the financial means 90 is better.

3. The less fuel you give her to be vindictive, the better and so you could chalk the money off as self protection and the price of a good lesson too. How we treat our ex's is important! Be certain this isn't you being vindictive yourself too (which would be very easy to fall into here).

I understand you are hurt but think it through, okay? Thank you for considering my suggestions but less than 90 may be too much like the "thief in the night" you mentioned earlier.