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-   -   Should I stay with him? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=303985)

  • Jan 15, 2009, 12:59 PM
    ohscheerbabi18
    Should I stay with him?
    So I am 17 years old right now and my boyfriend is 20. We have been friends for about 5 years now and we dated previously for about a month. We haven't been in contact for a while and are now recently talking again. He asked me out and I said yes! I mean I love him with all my heart but I don't know if that love is the kind of relationship love or the friendship kind of love. How do I tell? Plus he keeps telling me he wants a "serious relationship" with me and I don't think I am really ready for the commitment. Im still so young and have a lot of my life ahead of me and I don't want to be held down/ settle down with one person right now to spend the rest of my life with. I really feel like me and him would just be better off friends. I don't know how to tell him this because I know I would end up hurting him. I don't want to hurt him again because then I know he would really hate me. I NEED some help please. I want to break up with him but I don't know how to tell him in a way that won't make him hate me. I still want to be friends with him. I tried talking to him about this but we got into a huge fight and he told me how much I hurt him when he thought I would be different and everything. I just don't know what to do...
  • Jan 15, 2009, 01:09 PM
    kctiger

    You have listed several reasons as to why you SHOULD NOT be with him in your own post... if you have to ask this question anyway, then you should know you don't really want to be with him...

    Basically, in a nutshell, you have answered your own question... NO
  • Jan 15, 2009, 01:10 PM
    ZoeMarie

    He's going to be hurt either way it sounds like. It's best to be honest with him. Tell him how you feel. I personally think that if you have to ask if you should be with someone, the answer is probably no. You are young, and I think you have the right idea.
  • Jan 15, 2009, 01:30 PM
    chrissymarie

    Are you two having sex?
  • Jan 15, 2009, 01:34 PM
    Alty
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by chrissymarie View Post
    are you two having sex?
    What does that have to do with staying together?

    OP, you obviously just want to be friends with him, but he wants more. So, do you stay with him to make him happy, or do you do what you're heart says and turn him down?

    I say go with your heart on this one. You aren't doing yourself or him any favors by continuing a relationship you don't want. If he decides that he doesn't want your friendship because of this, then he's not that great a friend any way.

    Good luck.
  • Jan 15, 2009, 01:43 PM
    ohscheerbabi18
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    What does that have to do with staying together?

    OP, you obviously just want to be friends with him, but he wants more. So, do you stay with him to make him happy, or do you do what you're heart says and turn him down?

    I say go with your heart on this one. You aren't doing yourself or him any favors by continuing a relationship you don't want. If he decides that he doesn't want your friendship because of this, then he's not that great a friend any way.

    Good luck.
    And to answer that other question no we aren't having sex. I know my heart is telling me not to stay with him. And thank you for the advice. And I know if I tell him I just want to be friends he probably wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. I know I should break up with him because it's the best for me. I just don't know how to tell him. He told me he thought I wouldn't be the one hurting him because I tried explaining this to him before how I wasn't ready for this because I was so young, he doesn't seem to get it though.
  • Jan 15, 2009, 01:44 PM
    kctiger

    The truth hurts, but this is life. No second chances, if you don't want to do something, then don't do it. He will live...
  • Jan 15, 2009, 01:58 PM
    Alty

    Sounds like he's playing games with you to get you to stay. It's only going to get worse. End it now, he either accepts it or doesn't, but you need to live your life on your terms.
  • Jan 15, 2009, 02:03 PM
    chrissymarie
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ohscheerbabi18 View Post
    and to answer that other question no we arent having sex. i know my heart is telling me not to stay with him. and thank you for the advice. and i know if i tell him i just want to be friends he probably wouldnt want to be my friend anymore. i know i should break up with him because its the best for me. i just dont know how to tell him. he told me he thought i wouldnt be the one hurting him b/c i tried explaining this to him before how i wasnt ready for this because i was so young, he doesnt seem to get it though.
    If someone really cares for you and you tell them your not ready for a serious relationship, they should definitely at least want to be your friend. I ask if you 2 were having sex because most men his age prey on younger girls. Especially high school girls for sex. They use these lame lines and game to make you think they are extremely sweet and so genuine just so they can have sex. They say this like "they want a 'serious' relationship with you. Serious meaning SEXUAL. Older women with more life experiences to do not fall for these men. We call them scum. You may only be 3 years apart which would be nothing if you 2 were 35 and 38 but your not. Your 17 and he's 20. Thats a huge difference only because of the high school to college thing. is he even college? In that 3 year gap he has had so many more life experiences than you.

    Live your life and be cautious of older men during this precious time in your life. they prey on younger women. Dont listen so much to what they say but watch their actions. If their actions match what they say you'll have no doubts and you wont have to ask yourself if that person is right for you.

    If he cares about you he will respect you wanting just friendship right now because you need time to figure out what you really want. If he's been your friend for 5 years already whats killing him so much that he can't just be your friend for a lil while longer? Unless that part about being your friend for 5 years was not true...

    I seriously think he just wants sex because what kinda person tries to punish you for not wanting to get "serious" or "sexual"... whatever you want to call it... by taking away their friendship
  • Jan 15, 2009, 03:36 PM
    ohscheerbabi18

    That all makes a lot of sense. I mean I tried to have a serious talk about how I was feeling and he is just like why are you trying to hurt me.. and all this stuff. He just tries to make me feel so guilty about what I'm feeling about our relationship. I don't know how to end this.. he keeps telling me I'm perfect for him and our relationship is perfect and how he wants a future with me and stuff... when I really don't feel the same. I know that's bad and I'm not trying to lead him on, but he doesn't seem to understand.
  • Jan 15, 2009, 03:49 PM
    chrissymarie
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ohscheerbabi18 View Post
    that all makes a lot of sense. I mean i tried to have a serious talk about how i was feeling and he is just like why are you trying to hurt me..and all this stuff. He just trys to make me feel so guilty about what im feeling about our relationship. i dont kno how to end this.. he keeps telling me im perfect for him and our relationship is perfect and how he wants a future with me and stuff... when i really dont feel the same. i know thats bad and im not trying to lead him on, but he doesnt seem to understand.
    He's not going to understand anything. He's lying to you to get in your pants. The only thing he'll understand is you giving into him. Unitl then he'll continue to be difficult and distant because if your not giving him sex then your nothing to loose to him.
  • Jan 15, 2009, 03:58 PM
    ohscheerbabi18
    My boyfriend does not seem like the type of guy that's only after that. He doesn't even bring it up when we talk
  • Jan 15, 2009, 04:07 PM
    chrissymarie
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ohscheerbabi18 View Post
    my boyfriend does not seem like the type of guy thats only after that. he doesnt even bring it up when we talk
    Then what's the difference between what you to are doing now and you 2 being serious?
  • Jan 15, 2009, 04:10 PM
    ohscheerbabi18

    Nothing.. I just don't want to stay in the relationship for the wrong reason. I don't see us having a future but that's something he seems to see. My heart tells me he is not the one and I need help with a way of trying to break it to him without destroying his heart.
  • Jan 16, 2009, 08:41 AM
    chrissymarie
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ohscheerbabi18 View Post
    nothing.. i just dont want to stay in the relationship for the wrong reason. i dont see us having a future but thats something he seems to see. my heart tells me he is not the one and i need help with a way of trying to break it to him without destroying his heart.
    He's only 20 and your only 17. He'll get over it way faster than you think.
  • Jan 16, 2009, 09:23 AM
    ohscheerbabi18

    OK. Well I understand all that, and thank you all for your advice. I will work something out with this situation.

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