Before meeting my boyfriend, I was a 20 year old excited about turning 21 and unsure about my future plans. Getting married and starting a family was probably the last thing on my mind. When I would make comments about never gettting married, people would always say, "You'll change your mind after you meet the right guy." A part of me believed them but I figured it would be years before a relationship that serious would come my way. Well, I met the right guy sooner than I thought I would and it took only 3 months after meeting him to change my mind about everything.
We met in February, starting dating in May, exchanged 'I love you' in June, planned to move in together in July, but in August it was all gone. I know it may be hard to believe that two people could get so serious after this short amount of time. I would think so had it not happened to me.
The whole story of the night my boyfriend was killed is very long so short verson: One night, my boyfriend was pulled over by a local policeman. He was shot with a taser, became unconscious, denied any help for too long of a time, and there was nothing the ambulance crew could do by the time they arrived. Taser use just as an issue alone is very controversial. The fact that my boyfriend was unarmed, not running from the cops, and had his hands above his head while first shot, make this instance even more controversial.
I believe there's many things that are making it harder for me to cope with his death than what may be usual. That night, we had gotten into a stupid argument and things were said by both of us that shouldn't have. I have to live with knowing I could have ended the argument any time and maybe the last thing I could have said is 'I love you' or something not hurtful. It's hard knowing he was killed by the people who are supposed to keep us safe. I have guilt for not being there when it happened. I feel maybe I could have done something to save him. I did eventually get there, and the image of him lying there haunts me every day. Having to replay events of the night to attorneys, investagaters, etc gets harder and harder every time. Even when I'm not directly thinking of things, I start to cry when I see a couples and their baby at the store, knowing we will never get the chance to have that together.
I haven't even thought about my future and the issue of more relationships. The subject has come up with friends though and I know I'm young and have many years yet to meet other people. But I just know that no matter how much time or years goes by, I will always feel it's not right and that I was meant to be with him instead. That will not be fair to another guy.
To be honest, I'm not sure what my question is. I guess I'm just wondering if there's anyone out there that's lost a loved one at a young age, and maybe has advice at how to deal with things easier. I know grief has steps but I feel that the way he died has made by grieving process unique and perhaps someone out there has experienced something similar. Thanks for taking the time to read my story and any feedback will be appreciated.
