I have been dating this guy for about a year and a half. I am trying really hard but I am having a diffucult time understanding why he would raise a child he knows is not his and that makes me feel unsure of the relationship and getting close to his 5 year old.
According to him he was dating a crazy female9 drug problem) for a couple months, she cheats on him, tells him its his kid ( he knows it not because dates don't match up) and stays with her anyway. When the child was born she leaves him and the newborn for another man. She tries to come back months later but he fights custody and wins. He says he knows its not "his child" but loves this child like it was.

Either he grew attached to the child, realized that the child needed a stable parent or the child really is his. I knew of someone in this situation though. One of my friends dated a guy that was taking care of a child that wasn't his. A little different situation though, the child's mother had cancer.

Sounds like this guy has character. He was not willing to wreck the life of an innocent, simply because the mother was a cheater.

Not many guys would do that.

I think he is doing a good thing and agree with zoe marie. As long as the child is in a good home away from the drugs and vioence of his mother than. You should have no problem with it. Also I don't think that he would go back with her if you say she has a drug problem.

Wow that is pretty great of him. You should open your eyes and see what a wonderful human being you are in a relationship with.

I take my hat off to this guy and have respect for him, because he has taken time to fight for custody of a child that was heading for one HELL of a messed up life or being a part of the system passed from home to home via social services.

It would seem if you want to be with this guy then you need to accept that him and the child come as one. If you can not do this then you will have no relationship.

Have you tried to get to know the child and maybe spend some time together getting to know one another ?

Whatever you do don't com between him and this child and don't question his actions. So many guys father kids and don't even do anything to be in their life nor support them but this guy stepped up and is doing something that most men don't and that being a dad. Be glad that you've someone like this in your life and his actions speaks volumes about him.

With this being said, along with everyone else advise, if you think you can't deal with it or accept it then you need to leave him alone. However, if you do your going be walking away from a great guy and you might regret it.

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Pitunia agrees: Yes, very true but its hard. I can't stand sometimes to feel that it would be better if it was just me and him. A 5 year old is a lot of work.

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Yes, a 5 year old is a lot of work, but it is his child. Genetics don't make people parents, the investment of themselves makes them Dad and Mom. This is his child.

If you feel that you would rather have alone time with him and that life would be easier without the child, then he may not be the one for you. Don't look at it as "the non-biological child of my boyfriend," look at it as my boyfriends son/daughter.

Because that is reality.

He sounds like a keeper.

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agrees: Yes, very true but its hard. I can't stand sometimes to feel that it would be better if it was just me and him. A 5 year old is a lot of work.

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If you want to be with this guy then you have got to be willing to put the hard work into the relationship.

Being part of a family is not easy, and if you feel that the commitment is too much for you, then you have no choice but to walk away.

This guy is the child's parent and the only father he has known since birth, you have to deal with that and respect the bond they have. You also have to face facts that if you want to be with this guy, him being a father is never going to go away - he is always going to have the child in his life for life -

Are you willing to allow the child to be a part of your life for life ?

Until the child is grown up many years down the line they are always going to be there, can you yourself deal with that ?

A child is for a lifetime.

I agree with all of the other posts and would like to add that you have a wonderful opportunity to share something beautiful and deeply important with your boyfriend. This is a bond you will always share,regardless of what happens between you and the boyfriend.Once children tug on your heartstrings,it is impossible to let that go.

You have the opportunity to be an important female role model and even a mother to a motherless child.That is a blessing.

Yes a five year old is a lot of work and it does not get easier as every age has its own challenge.But there is no job in the world that is more important or more rewarding.

You have a good man and he must think a lot of you to be willing to share his child with you.

It is scary to become an instant Mom but the rewards will last a lifetime!

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Originally Posted by Pitunia

I have been dating this guy for about a year and a half. I am trying really hard but I am having a diffucult time understanding why he would raise a child he knows is not his and that makes me feel unsure of the relationship and getting close to his 5 year old.

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I think your focusing on the wrong issue. Your focusing on his ex more than his good actions. He did nothing wrong here but the right thing.

I don't understand why his actions are leaving you unsure about your relationship with him. Things like him not treating you good or cheating or abuse would make you rethink your relationship with him not him raising his child. He has custody of this child so regardless of the mother treatment, it's his child.

You have a strong man here that fought for a child that he knew wasn't his and is raising him as his own, that's a beautiful thing and the child is benefiting from having a dad in his life. Btw, was a test ever done to prove the child wasn't his for sure? Regardless if it was or wasn't that wouldn't change a thing and he still stepped up.

Do you even interact with the child?

Yes it is very scary to become an instant mom... But at night when you are watching them sleep. That is the best feeling in the world. I am now going through the process on fighting for my boyfriends little boy. And damn I pray every night we get custody. That would mean the world to me.

Get to know the little one and it will make everything a whole lot better

Just because he wasn't biologically present in the conception does not mean the child is "not his". Just ask any parent ever who as adopted.

Your man has character and you had best stop thinking now that the kid "is not his". Just mentioning that phrase to him might garner a relationship ending reaction.

Let me see, he loves a child he has been and acted as a father to. This is about the best recommendation you could ask for. My question is not him but you being good enough for him who would love a child so much.

Your issue is being a mom all of a sudden, and if you can't accept that role, this relationship is not for you.

Number one there could still be a possibility that this child may be his... and you have to understand he was around this child for 5 years and a person can get attached to a child way before its born... he was with this girl when she was pregnant 9 months is along time to love something he got attached to the child... for a love between a parent and a child it is love at first sight... my best friend went through this the only difference is the mom had a dna done and found out it wasn't his but the child was still his... in his head the baby was his not only because he had been there for her but also because this child NEEDS him

You should be grateful you have a guy that is mature enough and man enough to execept such a responsibility and to take care of a child that isn't his I respect him for it and I would die to have such a guy... I say I would hold onto him and never let go