Ask Me Help Desk - Pulling up the anchor

Sometimes, things just get to a point where it's time to wipe the slate clean and start over.

As this year get started, I feel this may be my year.

andrewc24301 - my post are always head strong, and confident, as though they are written from a man who has a handle on his life.

This is true to an extend. I do have a handle on things, I'm holding on to it, but my fingers are starting to hurt, and sometimes I just want to let this handle go.

I don't have any kids of my own. I have one step daughter. And as every day goes by, I grow more isolated from my family here at home. The mother and daughter are always backing each other up. For years I would argue over this, for the last year or so I have just been letting it go, to tired to argue.

The kid is tremendoulsy overweight. 9 years old and 125 lbs. The doctor says she should loose weight. The mother is trying to loose weight too. But that doesn't stop them from loading up on goodies when the child support payment comes in. When the kid had dinner at 5PM and then had a TV dinner at 6PM, I expressed concern. The mother immediately came to the child's defence. "Well she had a small dinner".

Well, so did I. A few years ago, this would have sparked an argument, in which, I would have ultimatly wound up the a__hole.

You know, the man is never right, the man is the dunce, the man is the moron. Watch any modern day sitcom, and it makes you wonder how "the man" gets his pants on everyday.

Well, I am "a man" and if I can't ever do anything right by my family, then why the hell am I here? If they are so damn good at everything they do, then really... why?

Everything I say is argued. I have gotten to the point where I speak to them very little, I just to feel like fighting.

9PM time for bed. Why not just talk to the wall. She stares right through me. The mother, on her laptop says nothing.

"Mommy said I can stay up until 10"

"well I said 9"

"I did tell her 10" says the mother.

All I do around here is pay the bills. I am the bit_h of this house. The mother doesn't work. Getting her to do anything is a major challenge. Doing a load of laundry takes all day. That's ONE load. Getting a weeks load of laundry done takes a month. Most of the time we pick our clean clothes out of the drier.

Not that I'm trying to be the 1950's man, where he expects the wife to do everything, to the contrary, when I get home from 7PM on to as late as midnight (on some real busy days) if the dishes are piled up, there's no need to fuss, they will just fuss right back. After all, they have had a hard day. They did a load of laundry.

My meager 14 hour day doesn't compare!

So I load the dishwasher, and I even empty it when the dishes dry.

Comparing percentages, I would say I do on average 50-70% of the housework, and 100% of the yard work, on time of my full time job. Leaving mother and daughter to do the remainint 50-30%, with no full time job.

Now I know men aren't good at math, and we are all boneheaded a__holes, sexist pigs and all, but how does this math add up? To me, it almost looks as though I'm getting screwed!

And if I say anything about it, well... let's just say I'd rather march off to war than confront these two on anything.

They do no wrong. The nine year old knows everything. I'm just a dumb_ss bumbling man.

So that's why sometimes I think it's just better if I just stopped coming home. Just find me a little apartment in another town and to hell with them. They can have everything, the house, the stuff in it. In my opinion, it's just stuff, and doesn't compare to my dignity.

I was thinking, I should make enough money to pay her alimony. Which in and of itself irritates the hell out of me. But the fact is I do make $17 per hour and she doesn't work.

It's all about the money you know.

For the life of me, I can't understand why anyone would want to get married.

Nobody invites me to weddings anymore. One time, I said at a wedding that I'd rather be at a funeral, because that's all marriage is, a slow death.

And if I get out of this alive, I will NEVER do this again.

I shouldn't answer any relationship questions today, my answers would be horribly biased as I am very much pissed off at women in general right now.

I'm not seeking an answer, I'm posting a solution...

I'm going to leave.

I made such a decision yesterday... and as you put it, I pulled up the anchor and left... difficult thing to do, but its for the best... for both of us...

After 7 years, and at least two years of thinking about it, it is the best way. No drama, no he said, she said, no blame game.

There is another thread on this board, "to quit or not to quit"

Regarding quitting smoking so that he can marry.

It's this writers opinion that marriage takes more years off a mans life than cigarettes!

I thought about responding that... but nahhh... like I said, I'm not going to ruin someone else's good sincere question with my rants and raves.

Lol... well its your advice and your opinion so you can give it to him if you want... but then again, you must know that not every relationship and marriage is bad...

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackVY

Lol... well its ur advice and ur opinion so u can give it to him if u want... but then again, u must know that not every relationship and marriage is bad...

True, this is why I choose not to weigh in. Everyone's problems are different, and I'm try to be decent enough not to push my issues on others who are seeking advice, possibly leading them down the wrong road.

As for me, I've been at this for almost 6 years, and I've just begun realizing, "how many times do you try to fit a round peg in a square hole before you just realize it ain't going to work".

I'm sure there are good women out there, I'm also pretty sure they are snatched up pretty quick. I was married once before, my first wife just up and "R-U-N-N-O-F-T", I rebounded into this current relationship. She was never married before and wanted to be. I was in no hurry, but when I moved to another town, I took her with me and married her against my better judgement.

Always listen to the little voice of reason in the back of your head.

I was a fool to do this again. I have some issues I need to resolve, before I leave. I must find a way to do this discretly as not to spark a bunch of drama. But the simple fact is, the house is titled to me, all utilities are in my name, and I'm her social security payee. (her checks come to me). So it would be difficult for me to just vanish without tieing up many loose ends.

A lawyer will need to be consulted. I will make an appointment either tomorrow or early next week.

When my first wife left me, I was graced with good luck. I got my house, my car, my freedom, and an uncompromised paycheck. This time around I must accept that I will take some loses. I will undoubtably loose my house, and many of my belongings, and I'm almost certain I will have to pay some kind of spousal support.

Sometimes I despise how this world works, and how our laws are set up. But there is no need in blaming everyone else, this is my own foolishness. My mess. And it will leave a lasting scar on my personality regarding women.

Will I date again? Of course! Will I marry? No. Any girlfriend of mine will just have to accept that. And she ain't moving in with me either.

It sounds sad how you rebounded into your current relationship... seemingly too soon... and got married quickly, which explains your current situation... its hard, and sad... but you could give advice to people in a similar position, where they just got out of a long relationship and are on the rebound, and are thinking of getting serious with the first girl that looks their way... your story may make them think twice or maybe even 3 times...

You know,

Not to be defensive, but I consider myself a pretty decent guy. I don't party all night, don't drink smoke, do dope, close down bars, flirt, etc. I'm actually kind of shy around women. I just don't understand why women seem to want to take advantage of me so often.

I'm not a lazy bum, I work for a living, I know how to was dishes, clean baseboards, and run the clothes washer. I try to keep my house clean, organized, etc. Change the oil in my car every 3,000. I cut my grass frequently, not violent, drive the speed limit, and just generally try to keep a low profile.

But "decent" women want no part of me because they think I'm trouble, or already taken, and all the others just seem like they want to screw me over. My current spouce is a dominating control freak who is impossible to please, loud mouthed, always right, nagging bi_tch, my last wife turned out to be the village whore.

I just don't understand it sometimes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackVY

It sounds sad how you rebounded into your current relationship... seemingly too soon... and got married quickly, which explains your current situation... its hard, and sad... but you could give advice to people in a similar position, where they just got out of a long relationship and are on the rebound, and are thinking of getting serious with the first girl that looks their way... your story may make them think twice or maybe even 3 times...

Maybe after all this has cooled off and I'm thinking clearly. Right now just wouldn't be a good time for me to dispense any kind of advice, as I'm not sure how I'm going to work out of this yet. I'm learning as I go, and I have to know "where this road leads" before I can talk others through it.

That's true... you need to be in a good place yourself before you can give advice and lead people...

Dude... from what you said before, it seems that you are a nice guy, and don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like women walk all over you. They seem to think you are a doormat and I guess because you are shy and stuff, you don't stand up for yourself, you just take it. That could be a reason why you are here now, because you didn't stand up for yourself, or make the right choices, or let the woman know that you are a man. You don't have to let them know your a man by doing bad things, but just by being strong, and not being a push-over. I don't mean any offense but this, but just telling you to be strong and don't take cr@p off anybody...

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackVY

Thats true... you need to be in a good place yourself before you can give advice and lead people...

Dude... from what you said before, it seems that you are a nice guy, and don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like women walk all over you. They seem to think you are a doormat and I guess coz you are shy and stuff, you don't stand up for yourself, you just take it. That could be a reason why you are here now, coz you didn't stand up for yourself, or make the right choices, or let the woman know that you are a man. You don't have to let them know ur a man by doing bad things, but just by being strong, and not being a push-over. I don't mean any offense but this, but just telling you to be strong and don't take cr@p off anybody...

I agree with this comment. And that's why I have come to this conclusion. I won't stay and fight though. I have done that for the last six years and I already know the outcome. One thing she is good at is dragging out an argument. It will get to a point where things start getting broken, the law gets called, and I wind up in jail.

Based on my thought on the situation, my best course of action is just to part ways, and live my life and let her live hers.

You comment will play into many future relationships, whereas any future "girlfriend" will just have to understand the way I roll. I'm 28 years old, already in my second failing marriage, it's obvious, this lifestyle ain't for me.

Well, I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed now, tomorrow is Friday (thank God)
I will be checking this thread tomorrow, and I have enjoyed talking with you. Perhaps we can continue on the flip side.

Aight man.. take care... have a good one.. and hopefully u'll have a goodnite's rest... Good luck in what you decide to do... got to do what's best for you... wish u all the best... peace :)

Just curious, but do you ever go fishing, golfing, bowling, or pursued anything other than work? You sound like a guy in a good rut to me. There is more to life than a clean house, or telling kids what to do, as why bother when you can just put the golf clubs in the trunk, and who cares if they do the dishes? But maybe you care more about that sort of thing than I do.

You sound depressed man! You're in the situation you're in because of yourself. You put YOU there. Handle it like a MAN. Clamming it up and no longer voicing your opinion in your house is not the way a MAN acts, he cracks down on the very nuisance that bothers him.

She is not stupid (your wife) as much as you think so. She knows you make th emoney and will break when pressures applied. Take back your life and take back your wife.

This is all unless you're just depressed? Maybe it's not your wife and step-daughter that is the problem, hell we don't know this. To me it sounds like a mid-life crisis. You woke up one day 45 years old wonderinf what the hell you're doing sleeping next to SHREK! Why do I drive a minivan to work and where the hell is the big screen t.v.

To me you need to step back and re-evaluate the things that surround you. Take a deep thought on what it is you want and if the things around you fulfill that need!

GOOD LUCK

It definitely sounds like you need some YOU time before you make any rash decisions.

Many things happened today.

Thanks for all the replies, and they all make a good deal of sense. It is true that I need to stand up for myself, and most of the time I do, last night it was easier to just rant about it on the internet.

Could be the cold weather, because normally I do go out, biking and walking my dog down to the creek. But since it's been so cold I've been in the house a lot. Cabin fever I suppose.

I wasn't depressed, I was irritated.

This morning, the mother and daughter got into a fight, I heard her tell the daughter that I (Andrew) was right about what I said the night before. On this day, I left work a couple hours early to visit my grandmother who was in a hospital about 3 hours away after having a bad spell.

I kept this chip on my shoulder for the whole day until I left to go to Lynchburg, on the way, a spark plug blew out of the engine. So after that exctiment, getting things all fixed up things kind of got back to normal.

I'm not pisssed anymore, but I know that this will happen again. So perhaps the easiest course of action is just to do what ever the hell I want to do. The way I see it, as long as I'm not breaking any laws, cheating, etc, I don't see the problem. If those in the family have an issue with it, then there's the door.

Thanks for the replies, and answers. It was good to speak about it. Something I haven't done in a while.