Ask Me Help Desk - 2nd time around, girlfriend wants a break (out of nowhere)

Okay, I guess I should give some background here. I'm 31, my GF is 24. We were together for a year and broke up 2 years ago. I broke it off with her because she got into drugs and didn't want to stop. In the 2 years since we broke up, she met another drug addict and married him. He then got her into harder drugs to the point where she had to be placed into rehab. She almost died, but her family took her away from him so he couldn't hurt her anymore. This brings me into where we reconnected.

She had been sober for about 3 months when I bumped into her at a local bar. We talked all night and had a great time. 2 nights later, she showed up again and we again talked and hung out all night. Much to the shegrin of some of my female friends that were there for my first broken heart at her hands.

Now first let me say that I have learned quite a few lessons from my previous failed relationships on how to treat a lady. I am a very loyal, and romantic guy. I have a good job and I like to take good care of the person I am with. Through the last 7 months that we have been together, I have been very good to her in many ways, and she has acknowledged that to me many times. We were very much in love again, this time on a deeper level. We have some fights, mostly when drinking, but nothing that we haven’t been able to work out. She’s been living at home with her parents, and going to school part time. She doesn’t have a job, so needless to say, I always pay wherever we go. No big deal. For the last couple months, she’s been really down on herself, thinking she’s fat, and upset that she doesn’t have a job, and feeling like she has to depend on me and her parents.

In December, we were really on the up and up. We were getting along great, and we both felt like we were growing as a couple. We had a couple of fights the last week of the year, and now she tells me that she is not happy with herself, and she’s not sure about us. She couldn’t even tell me that she loves me. She said that she needs some space to sort things out. I accepted this and told her that I love her very much and I will give her the space that she wants. I told her that I wouldn’t call her and she could call me when she’s had a chance to think things through. This was Saturday. It is now Thursday and I haven’t heard anything yet. I have mixed emotions about this. Sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I’m angry, but overall, I just feel just plain crappy right now. I’ve been keeping busy working out at the gym and doing other things, but this feeling sucks and I could use some advice.

I'm sorry

It sounds like you 2 broke up.

She's not happy with her life and I think she feels like she hasn't done anything on her own.

If you give her some space she may come back but it sounds like you 2 broke up

You're a great guy and a great catch and I'm sure you'll find someone that appreciates you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starbucks21

I'm sorry

It sounds like you 2 broke up.

She's not happy with her life and I think she feels like she hasn't done anything on her own.

If you give her some space she may come back but it sounds like you 2 broke up

You're a great guy and a great catch and i'm sure you'll find someone that appreciates you.

Sadly, I think that you may be right. But nonetheless, I am giving her the space she wants. I haven't called her, nor will I until I hear from here. It just frustrates me that we were doing really well. We were openly talking about our future together and I was looking at engagement rings no less than 2 weeks ago. She always told me how great of a boyfriend I am and how lucky she was to have me.

If she was a drug addict, it is very hard for her to sort her emotions. She could have used drugs to numb certain emotions, and she might feel that now the relationship with you is a crutch for her. In Alcoholics Anonymous, one of the rules is to not get into relationships when you are going through treatment. She probably feel she needs to be independent and get her life together instead of relying on you for money.

It is nothing that you did wrong, she might need time to revaluate her life and figure out what is her next step

First of all she should not be in bars or drinking.
It does not matter if her drug of choice was alcohol or cocaine.
The bottom line is that sobriety means *sober*.

At this point in time sobriety is all she should be concentrating her efforts on and then when she is whole and is functioning to the best of her ability ,only then is a healthy relationship possible.

She has to be able to be happy and or at least content with herself before she can give to another. Her priority right now should be healing and going to N.A. and staying out of bars refraining from associating with people who are using.

You have given her an out and she has opted to not call.I think her intent here is clear and you need to respect that and try to maintain no contact.

No one is saying it is easy,it isn't, but sometimes the best thing we can do for someone we love is to let them figure things out on their own and back off until they do.

As an aside if drinking is part of your life and you plan to have a relationship in future with this girl you have to support her by refraining from drinking as well.

Best of luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

First of all she should not be in bars or drinking.
It does not matter if her drug of choice was alcohol or cocaine.
The bottom line is that sobriety means *sober*.

At this point in time sobriety is all she should be concentrating her efforts on and then when she is whole and is functioning to the best of her ability ,only then is a healthy relationship possible.

She has to be able to be happy and or at least content with herself before she can give to another. Her priority right now should be healing and going to N.A. and staying out of bars refraining from associating with people who are using.

You have given her an out and she has opted to not call.I think her intent here is clear and you need to respect that and try to maintain no contact.

No one is saying it is easy,it isn't, but sometimes the best thing we can do for someone we love is to let them figure things out on their own and back off until they do.

As an aside if drinking is part of your life and you plan to have a relationship in future with this girl you have to support her by refraining from drinking as well.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the response! Just to clarify: At this point in our relationship, we've been together 7 months. She has been clean (drugs) for 10 months. There have been some tough times, but she has done great. I do think that you are right though. I want her to be happy either way, so not going out drinking with her would be a good thing for me to do. I have the feeling that it is over though, so this may be a moot point.

Weird. I thought I just posted on this thread. Did you post two?