This is my second post on this website and you can get an idea of my situation by reading my other thread found at: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-295168.html

This post however is intended to understand one of the main reasons my girlfriend and I broke up so I can learn from my mistakes and make my next relationship a more healthy one.

Basically, I didn’t turn my girlfriend on any more. I wasn’t sexually attractive to her and we both don’t know why. I know for 100% certainty that she wasn’t seeing/sleeping with another man so I can rule that out.

Let me start by describing our sex life as it was when we separated, i.e. a few weeks ago.
We had sex maybe once a week (nearly always instigated by me). Pre-intercourse there was foreplay involving caressing and kissing each other all over. However she didn’t seem to respond in a way I would hope for. Instead of getting more turned on she would giggle and act all coy as if she had never had sex before. If I tried to give her oral or use my fingers she would say it tickled and it. She would smell herself before I went down on her. She seemed very insecure about her personal hygiene even though I have never had a problem with it and enjoyed giving her oral sex. Even though we had been doing this for 8 years suddenly she very embarrassed. This in turn made me feel frustrated because I felt like whatever I was doing wasn’t working and I couldn’t satisfy my woman. For the last 15 months of our relationship I failed to make her from either penetration or oral.

I wanted sex more often than she did and this definitely made her feel pressured into satisfying me. Because I only got to have sex with her once a week, when the time came I would only last a few minutes and often I would try to slow it down only for her to tell me to keep going because she wanted me to feel satisfied even at the expense of her own. Once I would finish she would then use her vibrator on herself and I would kiss her mouth and breasts and caress her body (which she did enjoy) until she came. At the end of our relationship she admitted that sex had become more of a chore than an experience she enjoyed.

I think the maximum a session would last would be 20 minutes. It seems obvious to me now that we should have made it a lot longer even if it meant us both reaching climax, resting for 10 minutes and then starting up again. For some reason that didn't happen and more likely the TV would just go on.

As for me, I enjoyed sex when we had it, although I wanted more.

I have always been attracted to my girlfriend because she is a very beautiful girl. I mean VERY beautiful! The sort of girl that turns heads everywhere she goes. She isn’t the sexiest girl I have ever known. I have had partners who were not as beautiful as her but they were sexier. In other words she was visually very attractive but mentally not as much.

I think I was also more adventurous than her. For example I would often suggest sex in a public place but she was always hesitant, although there were a couple of occasions early in our relationship.

One other constant battle I have had over our relationship more so in the last few years is the desire to sleep with another woman even though I love my girlfriend. I see girls out and about and I have very strong urges to pursue them for purely physical reasons. I think this is more to do with my biological make-up and even if I was dating Angelina Jolie I would probably have the same feelings.

Overall I knew there was probably another woman out there who I could have a better/different sex life with but that wasn’t reason enough for me to end our relationship because the rest was so great.


So there we have it. There are probably many reasons our sex life had become the way it was. Neither of us was satisfied for different reasons. I am going to venture my own theories for your comments. Do any of these make sense or am I just speaking crap??


1) I have never been able to make my girlfriend from penetration which I know isn’t unusual but I could make her when giving her oral. Up until 18 months ago we were both sexually satisfied (she confirms this) and our relationship was perfect. Then one day for fun she and her girlfriend bought a vibrator. This was the first one my girlfriend ever owned. We started to incorporate it in our sex life, it was great for both of us because she could every time we had sex, and it meant less pressure on me to satisfy her myself. At the time it SEEMED like a great idea. However this meant less oral from me. I think this meant she didn’t see ME as the one supplying her with sexual satisfaction and therefore I became less sexy to her and it then became a mental thing. Although I often gave her oral (and enjoyed it) I never actually made her , that was the case for the last 12-15 months of our relationship. I have also heard that a vibrator can make the less sensitive which makes sense because she always needed brand new batteries for it to make her .

2) Maybe this happens in a relationship of 8 years. When your dating you only see the best side of your partner because they are making a special effort to impress, but when you live together every day and you see that person when they are not looking their best surely it’s inevitable that you will find them less sexually attractive. I believe very strongly in this theory and think it happens to most couples.

3) We got together too young and therefore didn’t explore our sexuality enough and now we both have a desire to do that at the risk of everything else.

4) I don’t have a high powered job and make a lot of money. In her current job she meets a lot of powerful, successful men. Maybe she sees me as less exciting and therefore sexy.

I think you just outgrew each other because you didn't focus on the work that is in a relationship to keep it new.

You lived together--how often would you go on "dates"? Not just out to do something together, but something anticipated, something you both looked forward to, something you both primped a bit for because you might get lucky later?

How often was the housework split evenly?

I'm betting it's just a matter of becoming too used to each other, and taking each other for granted--which takes all the excitement out of it. At least--taking her for granted, or her taking you for granted, could definitely kill libido.

How often did you surprise each other--whether with doing the other's chores, or making reservations somewhere, or just having flowers or a certificate for a backrub on the kitchen table when the other person woke up/came home/got in their car/whatever?

Relationships are work, and people tend to slack off a bit once they move in together, rather than working harder to keep the other person still interested in you.

Its funny you mention dates but when we talked about the possibility of getting back together further down the line, one thing is for sure we would definitely date because we didn't really have that at the beginning of the relationship. We met on the internet and although we met for a few weeks at a time spread over 2 years we pretty much just moved straight into an apartment together. So that is something we would do IF we decided to get back together.

As for your questions, the housework was split evenly, although we were boith lazy in that regard and it wasn't unusual for two days dishes and 1 weeks clothes to be sitting around.

We didn't go on dates enough, yes we went out to dinner or to the movies but nothing you could call a surprise. That is something we definitely got lazy about. That I 100% agree. Im sure she would also agree.

So, you don't think its anything specific like the reasons I suggested? Just more that lazy?

I don't think one can ever pin the failure of a relationship on ONE thing, or even a couple of things--with the exception of abuse, whether physical abuse or drug/alcohol abuse.

I'm sure it WAS partly the reasons you listed, and party my theory, and probably some other little things that neither of you will realize until you've been OUT of the relationship for a while.

I don't believe sex was the root of the problems here... I think she moved on to a place in her life where you didn't fit in any longer. Maybe she was wanting more than just dating after 8 years.

Let me ask you this simple question... and it's a common mistake some people fall into.

Every time you get together did you have the expectation of having sex as the first priority? Think about that one a bit. I'll bet the answer is yes. She would not be oblivious to seeing that either. She would not necessarily have to say anything to you about it.

@Smoothy. You say maybe she wanted more than dating. Just to clarify we've been living together for the last 8 years.

The next step would be marriage I guess. However she NEVER talked about that and its not something either of us wanted in the NEAR future.

To answer your question. No, absolutely not. We have a lot of things in common and enjoy the same activities. We both enjoy each others company that's why we have got so far in the relationship. Sex was not a priority.

I don't agree or diagree with any of your theories. I have been in a relationship for almost 6 years. My sexual relationship just like everyone else's starts exciting, and that's only because it's new. The reason that we stay with that person is love. In my relationship, we have used various sexual tools, I agree they can desensitize, depending on the person, but I don't think that's your problem necessarily. I actually think it has a lot if not everything to do with her. In females the way they feel about themselves reflect in a lot of different ways, insecurities pop up that were never there before and probably have no reason. I think the biggest part of the problem is her self image. That doesn't mean that you can't do nothing about it, it just means that it's harder. Even though your broke up, let her know how much you care, but don't over do it. Don't call her everyday, don't bug her. That just becomes really annoying. I think if you can pull it off, you should try to have sex "out of the blue". Don't talk about it before hand, don't say you want to have sex, just do it. If she declines and tells you no, I think that it's then a sign that there really isn't much else you can do and move on. If she's willing to possibly work on things you'll have sex, but like I said don't ask for it, it takes the spontaneousness out of it and makes it boring and just another day.

Thanks Sara.

If you read the original thread that talks about our relationship as a whole you'll see that we are now borken up and living apart.
She knows I love her very much so that's not an issue.

I was told in the strictest way to maintain a 'No Contact' phase with her. That was so she could clear her head and decide whether she wants to date other people and I could move on with my life if she does.

I guess the point of this thread is to find out where things went wrong and if we decide to hook up again where we can work on the relationship. At the very least I can learn from the mistakes and make the next relationship I have a better one.

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Originally Posted by Fab1987

@Smoothy. You say maybe she wanted more than dating. Just to clarify we've been living together for the last 8 years.

The next step would be marriage i guess. However she NEVER talked about that and its not something either of us wanted in the NEAR future.

To answer your question. No, absolutely not. We have a lot of things in common and enjoy the same activities. We both enjoy each others company thats why we have got so far in the relationship. Sex was not a priority.

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Even if she didn't mention it to you, maybe its something she was waiting to hear for more than a little while. The Marriage thing. While some women are pretty up front about it, others want the man to take the lead on it... Don't assume she wasn't interested just because she wasn't always talking about it. Some women are that way.

The living together does change the sex every time you meet thing however. I've fallen into that routine and too many other guys I have known as well. This won't apply to those living together.

Sorry Smoothy I understand the marriage point but the sexy point? I don't understand.

You have your hands full and I think that they are fuller than what you could ever expect. I don't know how old either one of you guys are but I'm 25. I have told my boyfriend that twice. Both times was basically bcause I needed a break from him, that's not a lie, no problem with that right. The thing is in my situation I went out, it wasn't really time "to think" it was a break. I wanted to go out and have fun and it wasn't that I couldn't do that with him it just felt as if he were more into watching my actions and what I was doing than actually having fun, which in the end would ruin my fun. So for me, I needed to get away from him for awhie with that explanation so that I didn't hurt his feelings. It sounds dumb and it is not everyone likes doing the same things. My example is this: You like going to the movies, so does she but she also wants to go to the club or a party and maybe that's not something that you enjoy doing, not that you wouldn't it's just not your idea of fun together for whatever reason. I had this situation he doesn't like being around a lot of people because I like to talk to people and he takes it where I ignore him even tough I don't think I am. We actually ended up going to a couples therapist and bringing this up as one of our main issues.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fab1987

Sorry Smoothy i understand the marriage point but the sexy point? I don't understand.

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I f you refer to the last paragraph , I'll explain but it won't apply in your case.

When a lot of young people are dating and they get to see each other for a few hours or so every few days once they have gone to having sex they tend to forgo the other stuff and focus more and more on just sex... usually it's the guy that drives that. Do that long enough and the woman wakes up to the fact that's about all they ever do and starts to feel like a sperm receptacle. Its usually a gradual process that the guy pushes to satisfy his urges at the expense of what got them together in the first place. Have seen this happen all to often. Like I mentioned I myself have fallen into that trap many years ago.

If it was about your initial remarks about how she doesn't find you sexy any longer... keep this important point in mind ALWAYS. What a woman finds sexy is totally different from what a guy finds sexy. Guys are visual beasts... we consider what we can see sexy. Women on the other hand find it to be how she's made to feel. It's a complex thing, treatment, HOW she's spoken to... lot of factors come to play and put her in the proper frame of mind. Usually has NOTHING to do with visual cues on the average for her.

From reading your original thread I do not think either of you did anything specifically bad, just that you reached a point where things have not naturally progressed to the next stage. The next stage would be marriage or kids etc

It is difficult without knowing all of the facts and how old you both are to know exactly what's gone wrong, but certainly you are a sensitive man to even be on here talking about your feelings and thinking about the future. I think you have been trying quite hard to keep this thing together but it has come to an end and you believe that this is your fault. This may not be the case and the problems or issues may lye on her side - or she may have just changed and be wanting something different.

I did a similar thing with my ex and had a no contact stage of a year, are you still not in contact or are you back to speaking terms?

As of the start of this week we are in no contact. She wanted to stay friends and talk but I can't do that if she is dating other people. I have to assume she will never come back and try and move on with my life. But I told her that my door is always open and that if she wants to start things up again then all she has to do is give me a call.

I think you are doing the right thing. Its OK to be friends but you need time to move on first, especially if she decides to date others. It was kind of you to leave the door open, I hope things work themselves out for you. If not, then I hope you move on and find happiness. Kez x

Thank you Kerry. Appreciate it.