Nothing seems right about this place,
It tends to feel like I have no space.
Broken inside I can not find,
Anyone who is or will be kind.
I try to scream and fight my way out,
But it seems that I will constantly have to live in this doubt.
With the fire burning inside,
I feel like I need to run and hide.
I finally do but I feel so alone,
Knowing that I must stay in hiding until I'm grown.
It was twisted in turned in so many ways,
That I believe what no one says.
Abused, lied to and accused
This was a fight that I really didn't want to lose.
In the end the victory was mine,
Though I still have to hide.



This poem somewhat describes what life is/was like for me. I was sexually abused for almost 11 years and no I must hide because my abuser is still out there and I don't even think they are looking for him. I know where he is at and I told them but they are not doing anything about it. And the I must hide thing is what I must do in order to make sure that he doesn't find me again although he is down in Arizona. I just want to know why I haven't broken down about it yet?:confused:

Because something in you is strong, something inside you is telling you that you are going to make it, that you're worth it, beautiful, and an amazing person.

Because something in you knows that you're going to make it through this and you are going to be a stronger and wiser person from it.

Have you ever talked to a counselor about this? How old are you?

These memories/issues are not going to go away. You need to find someone that can help you through this - someone that will listen and help you make it. I'm going to message a friend of mine on here that has been where you are - she will be able to help you much more than I can.

But I don't know if I can make it out. And if so Then it is subconscious.


I just turned 15. Yes I am seeing a counsler but she's not helping too much. We don't even talk about what happened to me all we talk about is what is going on at home with me now instead of digging deeper into what happened to me and try to find out what I need to do to heal.


I know that they aren't going to go away but I have been having nightmares lately and it is starting to scare me because the nightmare takes place right down the road from me

Its very good that you recognize that its not going away and that it is causing nightmares. That means you aren't trying to explain it away or blame something else. You're confronting this head first and already know that you have a problem.

That's the first step.

Your counselor needs to "go deeper" as you say. Next time you talk to her tell her that. She may be thinking that since you're "young" you aren't able to cope with such deep stuff, but hon, it seems like you're doing OK with the deep stuff.

Have you told her about the abuse? Because, if you have, she is obligated to do something about it - her job is to help you through it. If she isn't talking about what you need to talk about and is choosing to not talk about it even though you have TOLD her that you need to deal with it, that's bad and you need to find a new counselor.

She is being paid to counsel - if she doesn't counsel in a way that is helping you, she's not doing her job. Even if she is the school counselor, that is her job. Talk to her and tell her that you need to talk about this.

Do your parents know about this? Have you shared what happened? They need to know - you need to feel safe at home and if they don't know what has hurt you, they can't make you safe.

Do you have a journal? I'd suggest starting one... writing down the things that you're feeling. Even take pictures of random things and put them in your journal.

Another way that you're going to heal is to start helping others. I've found in my hardest times, when I help others, my own hurt starts to go away. Is there a nursing home near you? Those people sometimes love to be read to. Start looking for ways to help other people.

Yeah I told my mom. My dad is the one who did it to me for ten years. I have talked to my counsler and she said that we will start tlkin more about it here shortly. Yeah I have a journal I have about 4 or 5 of them filled completely.


I just feel really odd about being wit my mom for the very first time in 11 years.


At times I just can't think straight.

I just wish that I could go back in time and redo everything.

I can not sympathize more for you although I will never know exactlly how you feel I know what it feels like to be betrayed by someone you would have never thought could hurt you that badly. I don't know why more isn't being done to make you feel safe but you have a right to feel safe and your father had no right to violate you like that no one does. But obviously you are a very strong person maybe you should think about finding a new counsler because it is obvious that you want to talk about what happened to you and have you gotten the police involved because he deserves to go to jail for what he has done. But you are a strong independent amaizing person that has the potential to be anything in the world and so just remember that no matter what he took away from you, you can still be anything you want to be and you will always be a stronger person than him you have survived you are still going strong and so thatn means he has not won you need to keep fighting and make sure that he can never hurt anyone ever again and so if you make your life all that it can be that will make you the winner

Yes I have contacted the police and they said that he ran and at that moment I knew exactly where he was. Because the day he was supposed to show up for court we were supposed to get on the bus to go back to Arizona and I told the courts and the police I gave them the address of where he would go first but they didn't do anything. So he is still on the streets in Phoenix Arizona. He is suppoesed to do time in louisville Kentucky, indianapolis Indiana, moresville Indiana, greenwood Indiana, and phoenix Arizona. He had us move from place to place to run form my mom just when my mom had found me. Until she decided to look me up on myspace and find me that way.


I have had a very hard life before but now living with my mom is worse.

I have an alcoholic step dad. Two siblings that cry at night and crawl in bed with me because of my mom and step dad fighting. A grandpa that thinks that my mom shouldn't let me around my siblings alone thinking that I will do to them what my dad did to me and what my grandpa did to my mom. I live in a 4 bedroom house with 7 people living in it.

I take on adult resposiblities like make sure that my siblings homework is done and that they are in bed on time while cleaning the house and going to rifle practice and raising money and helping my mom and step dad paying for cigerettes and sometimes rent.


I have to get a job to buy my own cell phone and pay for it but it be under their name so that I can work. I also babysit.

I am constantly keeping myself busy to make my family step up to the plate of being the adult. Being the parent.


But what I don't get is that they say that I need to stay out of my room an dI need to do more around the house.


My mom is talking about cutting off al contact from Arizona because she thinks that it is hurting me more. But the truth of the matter is that it is actually helping me a lot more than she realizes.

I have someone that I had been dating for almost 3 and a half years that she is wanting to take away from me. I alos have a TON of bestfriends.

If the situation has gotten this bad then you need to make someone listen! Go to a guidance counselor or teacher or one of your friends parents and have them get child services involved getting taken from your family will probably be really scary but you will be able to be put somewhere safe I really hope you get the help you need please keep us posted I will try and help you work through this. But it might help to know that someone cares.

Well here is the thing... I promised my little brother and sister that I would stay until I was 18 then I would come back and try to get them into my custody.

If I wanted to I could be back in Arizona with protection that you wouldn't believe. I had the money in hand for it and I had a ride. I also had pre job interviews set up. I had a place to stay.


I promised them though and I will not break that promise. No matter what my mom does to me.

Honestly I won't go to CPS because I will have to possibly change schools and I will not be able to see my family again with out crying my eyes out. There is multiple solutions to my problems I understand that but I won't take the easy way out and let my little brother and sister suffer because of me.


You see if I leave then that will cause my mom to be hurt and upset and fall into depression and if she does that then she will neglect my little brother and sister. I just wouldn't be able to bear it if anything happens to them.

I know that I should really get out of there and I need to. (I also want to) But I won't let myself take the easier way out and allow everyone else to be hurt.

Honey, I too have been there in the past. Now, I am a grandmother and have a great big wonderful family here at AMHD.

First thing you have to do is FORGET trying to be an adult or a parent to your siblings. It is totally your mother's responsibilities. And, no matter what she went through in her youth, she's the one that has to come to terms with it. Why after all this time, did she try and find you? Did she show any interest in you at all while you were growing up and in need of a mother?

You might have very mixed feelings about your father, but he's the only 'parent' you knew and loved, even though he took advantage of you, you probably wish you could forget all this and be with him. Sometimes there are still very strong feeling because you might think he was the only one who ever loved you and that being with him would be better than being with your mom. That says a lot to me. You need to be away from both!

Now, you don't feel loved - either by your mother (who is probably using you as a cheap housekeeper and babysitter) or your step-dad and his family. So, you turned to your siblings and focus on them for some positive emotional comfort. They are way too young and don't know all that is going on, so they also need help... BUT again, this is NOT your responsibility. Let them mess up their own lives if they want, but you get the heck out of there.

I sincerely urge you to seek help and get relocated with another family or home until you are of legal age. You should be enjoying school, not going to work to support a family and you should be able to experience what is left of being a teen. Don't you think you've sacrificed enough?? I certainly do.

Stop making promises to others and start making promises to yourself. Get your life in order, get mentally and physically fit to find your own warmth and happiness in this world - you deserve it and I want you to please start working on getting it.

As you can see, I don't mince words and I do care a lot for young men and women who are used and not given a chance to grow and find happiness in their own lives. And, I do know that if you don't get out of there, things will not get better - not for you, and not for your siblings either. They need help, but from professionals - just as you do.

Now, go see where you can get that support to start a new chapter in your life... and keep us posted. Believe it or not, I just read one of my diaries again, and it made me mad all over again. Read yours, and decide that you want a whole new way of life that will put you in the center. I hope I made sense to you here, it's just that I'm very emotional about things like this and just rattle on.

By the way, poetry is good therapy too - and you're very good at it.

Good luck honey, and let us know what you decide - keeping one main thing in mind... NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, and NEVER WAS!. We are here for you 24/7.


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Wishing I could make all this go away for you, but you have to do it on your own... we are here with you dear.

It's just SO SO hard to leave them.
I am thinking about getting emancipated but I know that I am too young until the age 16.
I already know what I must do to get emancipated.

I also plan that when I am 18 to fight for my little brother and sister.

She tells me that she has been looking for me since my dad took me and we moved with out letting her know. But who knows what is going on in her mind. The one person that has raised me since I was about 3 months old and who was friends with my mom tells me all the time not to believe anything my mom says because she is one of those people who believe what they are telling. (almost like my dad although not a severe) But the thing that gets me the most about my mom that I despise her for is that I have known Cheri since I was 3months old up until I was 9 then I moved to AZ and I have always called her mom. Now I have her back and my mom is telling me that I can't see her everyother weekend like I'd like and I'm not allowed to call her mom. And that is what I am used to because she was always that motherly figure in my life until I moved to AZ. OUt for the 9 months that I've been here I have only seen her about 3 times.

It kills me also that my mom is talking about cutting off all contact form Arizona including my best friend in the entire world because eshe thinks that it is hurting me more. But it's not!


I have not talked to my mom in 11 years haven't heard form her seen her... nothing.
She showed a lot of interest in me when she finally got me but now everythign is completely changing.


I think it is because I finally told my mom that I want to get a job to help around since she isn't working an dnow she has two jobs and is gone TOO much.


I have made a TON of promises to myself about what I am going to do when I reach of age.


I also have been getting a bunch of professional help even though I don't like it.


I write poetry all the time I have about 4 or 5 notebooks of poems. Although I can't let my mom see them.


I have been setting myself up at an early age to get a scholarship for college. I am on the rifle team and I have done what it normally takes 3 years to do. ALthough lately I have been slipping.


I know that it is not my fault and my mom says that it isn't but then she turns around and tells me I can't blame others for rmy actions either. So I tell her I have never balmed anyone for the way I act. I have always taking responsibility for rmy actions or I'd just deny it until I feel the time is right to come out with it. (even though it gets me into more trouble)

My life before was so bad to where I was relying on alcohol to get me going. I was also relying on pot to overcome it all. But when I got here I quit drinking an dsmoking hoping that my life would be better but it wasn't. I now desperatly want to turn back to all of that but I'm not knowing that my future could be thrown away and I really don't want that.



And what you said about how I probably feel is EXACTLY how I feel. And see nobody ever understands me when I try to tell them and you do. I thank all of you VERY VERY much for helping me through all of this.


I am also well aware of that I must do it on my own because I had to give that same advice to someone really close to them about what they should do but how no one can make the journey for them they must do it themselves and how I'm just here to help guide her along the way.

Honey, I just hope you make the right choice for yourself first... then think of others. It is important that you get the harmony you need in your life now and in the future.

Glad we were able to help you a little - that you know you can come to us any time you want and someone will be here. Some of us know exactly what you are going through, and will be here when you need guidance in your steps you are planning.

I don't come on as much as I'd like as my illness gets the better of me a lot lately, but I will stay with you for as long as I can.

Hugs and best wishes for now dear, and keep us posted.

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Well I thank you guys so much for helping me.

I have always felt so alone when it came down to all of this stuff. Now I see that even though I may feel like I am all alone that actually I am not.



That sort of reminds me of something I told a friend once I just never believed my own words I just said it to help me friend because I knew some people who was going through what she was.



I todl her this... it will sound cruel at first but it helped me overcome through what I went through.





"Imagine yourself in a dark room. No windows, no doors, not anything. You arrived by a genie poofing you in there. As you start to feel alone you force yourself to think about how there might be soemone who is going through what you are and that you're not alone. So you stand and one person appears. You don't know who they are but you like the feeling.......more and more people come filling the room. You think that you are going to sufficate with all of these people in the tiny room but you notice that the walls are tearing down and when they crumble into dust you realize that you are all alone again. So just think of it this way. Even though you feel alone just think of all those people who you don't know that will be right there by your side to help tear those walls of horror down. So you are no longer trapped nor are you alone. You have people tearing those walls down everyday and how you can help them if you try to change everything around and say something before it's too late and you're trapped again."



This is what I have gone by during my pain and hurt... it is what I still go by during it now.

Although I never believed it I still went by it. I know it makes no sense as to how I can go by something and not to believe it.

It's because you have strong survival instincts. Otherwise you would not have survived the last few years. Just don't wear yourself out and give yourself a chance to find some inner peace and contentment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE - and can come here to talk to us any time.

Have a peaceful coming weekend.

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Find something you love doing and don't always jump when someone else wants something.

Thank you very much and I will.
I just don't have much to post because it all falls under the same thing.